To Have and To Hold
by MommaKristine
Summary: When Beckett steps away from her desk Castle's curiosity gets the better of him. He never expected to be crushed by what he found in her drawer. Is it too late for them or can he convince her that he's her 'one and done? Rated M, not fluff, angst warning.
1. Chapter 1

Takes place in Season 3. May have minor spoilers or references to any episode so far, but not spoiler heavy.

Disclaimer: I don't own Castle, which is a good, because I would have run out of great ideas a long time ago.

_**To Have and To Hold**_

Chapter One

Castle saw the sudden flash of movement as Beckett noticed him entering the bullpen. She had shoved something into her desk drawer, slamming it with more force than necessary. Kate looked just a little flustered as he approached her. He gave her a quirky smile as he set her coffee and a bear claw on the desk beside a small stack of files.

His raised eyebrow was a silent question, but Beckett pretended not to notice as she flipped through a case file she had printed out. She drew out her signature in all the right places, getting it ready to be filed away. Another case solved, and the rest of the day off rotation to get the paperwork completed.

"Thanks." She mumbled as she took a sip of the coffee before turning back to her file. "It's a paperwork day. I thought you weren't coming in?"

Castle shrugged, "Alexis is at school and my mom has some kind of life coaching session today, so it was either wander the streets of New York aimlessly, or come in here and pester you guys." He gave her a crooked smile. "I think I have an equal chance of ending up in the hospital either way, mugged on the streets or pistol whipped for being a smart ass. I figured at least this way I'm with friends and I'll probably get to keep my wallet."

Beckett rolled her eyes at his over-dramatization, "You could hide out in your room with your laptop and actually get some work down for a change." She suggested, averting her eyes from her paperwork for just a moment to meet his eyes before turning back to the work at hand.

He just shrugged, nonchalance emanating from the gesture, "I'm trying to figure out a piece of evidence and I'm a little stuck on how to incorporate it."

Interest peaked, because he rarely talked about his book in advance, Beckett shifted to sit back in her chair and consider him directly. "Couldn't they just find it at a crime scene, what's the big deal?"

"It's a key piece of evidence that points them right towards a suspect." He sighed, his frustration over such a small detail coming out in the exhale. "This is how they catch the guy, but he lawyers up and they can't get any info out of him. It's pivotal because they're certain they've got the right guy, but turns out he's the red herring. By the time they realize it, they've let their guards down and it's too late."

"So what's the evidence?" she asked, feigning only mild interest, though she was fascinated to see a little bit of the creative process that went into his writing.

Castle just shook his head, "No way. I've said too much already."

"Seriously?" she countered, "It's not like I'm going to go out and post spoilers on your fan site."

Castle's mouth turned up in a grin, "Ooh, Detective Beckett," he teased, "How is it that you know about spoilers on my fan page?"

Beckett shrugged, turning back to her file so he couldn't read the lie on her face, "I assumed your page would be like Patterson's. His fans are always claiming to have new spoilers, but they rarely turn out to be accurate."

"You wound me detective." He responded with mock astonishment, before he smiled as if just getting an idea. "You're busy right now, but I'm being abandoned by the women in my life this evening, so perhaps you could stop by and we could discuss it over dinner?" he suggested, trying to force a light tone in his voice. He didn't want to spend the entire day stuck out of his house and the whole night wandering the large loft alone because both of the women he lived with had plans that involved not coming home until tomorrow.

Her eyes flicked very briefly to the drawer where she had shoved whatever she'd been looking at when he walked in. The movement was so quick that he almost missed it, "I can't tonight."

Something about what she was hiding away was definitely the reason she was turning him down. While before he had been slightly curious, now he burned with the need to know what was in that drawer.

"Lunch?" she suggested, vaguely disturbed that she was disappointed to have to turn down his request for dinner. Spending an evening talking about the next Richard Castle novel before it was even completed was something she would have normally jumped at the chance to do, especially considering how long they had worked together and he'd never asked for her input before.

Castle shrugged, "Sure." He hid his disappointment and curiosity behind humor, "We'll have to talk in code because we might be overheard at a restaurant."

She smiled at him briefly, before ducking back to her report. "I can bring a case file if you think it would help. They know us down at Remy's well enough that none of the regulars will think twice about us talking evidence over lunch."

"Sure." He responded and then pulled out his phone as she went back to her paperwork. He had at least an hour to kill before Beckett would even consider taking lunch, so he retrieved a few documents he had saved and started organizing them on his phone. He'd always been a very solitary writer, not one to look outside for help. Inspiration? Yes. Help? No way.

But he was stuck and she seemed excited at the prospect of him requesting her help. He spent the next hour and a half setting up his documents so that he could easily share them with her, making sure not to give too much away because he knew she like to read his book and wouldn't want the end spoiled.

"I have to go down and grab Lanie's report to stick in here before I call it a closed case." She said as she stood and stretched, oddly exhausted from half a day spent reading and signing forms, typing statements, crossing T's and dotting I's.

"I'm going to finish getting my thoughts together here." He told her, gesturing to his phone. "That way I don't accidentally give away the end while we're going through things."

She smiled down at him, obviously at least a little excited for the sneak peak as she nodded an affirmation and headed to the elevators.

He waited until she was on the lift and the doors closed before quickly moving over to take a seat in her chair. He looked around the bullpen, glad that Ryan and Esposito were still out reaffirming the witness statements for the District Attorney. He was here so often that very few detectives even took notice of him anymore, but Ryan and Esposito would grill him about going through Beckett's desk or at the very least tell her that he had been snooping.

He stilled his hand on the handle of the drawer as he felt a moment of doubt.

She trusted him, he didn't know if he should be invading her personal space like this. It wouldn't be the first time he had gone through her desk, but it had been a long time since he had done it.

They had built a strong and trusting friendship over the past couple of years. A real friendship where they knew they could both rely on each other when times were tough. Granted, their definitions of tough times were vastly different.

His tough times were dealing with his mother or his teenage daughter. Sometimes they were from his worry over Beckett herself or even experiencing some of what she went through every day. To him, though, it was never the same level of personal as it was to her. It's not that he didn't care; he just had a different way of storing the information that allowed him to sink away the stress and strain on his emotions until he could vent them productively on the page.

However, for her a rough day at the office was something else entirely. It was the body of a child, the slaying of a mother or a near death experience that reaffirmed what she had known since she was a teenager. Life is short, sometimes too short.

He could see the same crime scene and he wouldn't feel one tenth of the empathy and passion she had towards the families of the victims. Some days it got to be too much for her and on those days he was there. To his surprise she let him be there, go through it. She had opened herself up to him a lot over the past several months. That level of trust wasn't something he wasn't keen to ruin just because he had a silly little level of curiosity about something or other that she may or may not have been trying to hide from him.

He could just ask her what was in the drawer, or just forget he had seen anything at all. Perhaps she didn't even notice that he had seen her shove it away in the dark recesses of her drawer. Perhaps it was nothing and he was making a big deal out of something as silly as her hiding that she was eating a Snickers bar for breakfast again because she didn't stop to get anything and she had thought he wasn't coming with her bear claw.

That's probably all it was, Castle had convinced himself. Something as simple and silly as that and he decided that wouldn't be an invasion of her privacy. That would be something he could give her a little grief over when she came back up from getting the papers from Lanie and he had it out on the desk for her to see that he knew what she was hiding.

She really did need to take better care of herself. She worked out and physically she was in great shape, but sometimes he worried about the ways she tried to maintain her energy. Sometimes he wondered how she survived as long as she had on Snickers bars and take-out. There was a fine line between driven and obsessive and sometimes she toed the line so hard that she wouldn't even stop to eat anything at all. Sometimes she didn't sleep a wink because she had to know. She had to figure out the answers.

With a little grin at the positive influence he had on her, though a bear claw and a burger at Remy's wasn't much better than a candy bar and nothing at all, they had made progress over their time together.

Deciding that it was definitely a half-eaten candy bar and nothing really important he pulled the drawer open and prepared to set the trap.

What he saw inside sent his heart skittering in his chest. Cautiously he reached out and grabbed the small velvet box. He stared at it for a long moment hoping that he really wasn't seeing what he now held in his hand. He felt each breath he took as if they were burning his lungs and wondered if he might stop breathing all together.

Finally, with slightly shaky finger, he pulled the lid back, hearing the small hinge give a quiet click that sounded like a gunshot, the only sound he heard in the noisy bullpen as his eyes fell on his nightmare in a box.

There, nestled gently in a velvet crease, sparkling at him like the eyes of a demon, was a gorgeous two karat diamond ring. An engagement ring. Kate Beckett's engagement ring.

He couldn't think as blood rushed through his veins, roaring in his ears, his heart thumping so loudly he was worried everyone in the room could hear it. He had to force himself to blink, physically make a conscious effort to do so as his wide eyes started feeling dry from staring at the item in the box. The blinking didn't help as now his eyes felt unnaturally wet. With shaking hands he forced himself to close the lid and put the ring back in the drawer.

He felt his heart breaking as he realized that she must have taken the ring off when she got here and put it away in her desk for safe keeping.

His writer's mind, damn foolish creative side of him, started weaving scenarios on how Josh must have proposed. Each thought was more romantic than the last. Each time he pictured Kate's eyes welling with tears of joy as they had when Ryan had proposed to Jenny. Each time she cried out 'Yes!' and flew into Josh's arms, kissing him passionately. Each time he died just a little more on the inside.

He couldn't stay there anymore. He had to move. He had to get out before he couldn't breathe at all. He had to go before Beckett got back, before the heartbreak he felt manifested into an outward physical reaction that she could see. He felt his eyes burning as his heart thumped painfully as if it were actually going to split his chest wide open. He had been holding out hope that someday she might grow weary of her motorcycle boy and someday she might be willing to give him a chance to prove to her that they were meant to be.

He threw his jacket on quickly and headed blindly towards the elevator. As the door opened he rushed in, bumping shoulders with someone and muttering a cursory apology on instinct as he jabbed the button to go to the main floor.

"Castle?" he heard her surprised voice.

He looked up to see that it had been Beckett he ran into disembarking the elevator a moment before and she was standing just outside the lift with a curious expression on her face. Confusion with a hint of concern written on her features as the doors closed with her still watching him from outside.

Once the doors closed, he let out a ragged breath in the quiet of the elevator. He was glad to have this brief moment alone as he attempted to regain control of the torrent of emotions raging through him.

x.x.x

A/N: This story popped into my head, so I decided to run with it. This is my first fanfic that doesn't have a crime mystery running through it. I don't know how I'll deal with that. There may be a case or cases, but they will be more peripheral and situational than the focus. That's freaking me out a little so let me know if we want to continue this and see how it goes without a case, or if I should get back in the land I'm comfortable in and focus on murder, mystery and intrigue.

Thanks for reading.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

Detective Beckett was distracted as she rode the elevator back up. She had a hard time keeping the grin off her face. She had rushed through her visit with Lanie, earning her a raised eyebrow from the medical examiner who was, fortunately, too busy with a body to pursue a line of questioning that Kate didn't want to get into right now. Not that she ever wanted an interrogation from her friend who was entirely too perceptive sometimes.

She was looking forward to lunch with Castle and getting a more detailed peek inside his head. It was an odd turn of events, since he was usually the one digging around in her brain. It didn't hurt that she was already a huge fan of his work. It didn't hurt that she often wondered about how he wove his stories or how he developed his plots.

She would never admit to him exactly how much she enjoyed reading his books, so that would have made it difficult to broach the subject herself. She was glad, on a day like today had been, that he had provided this distraction for her. She had been hoping that something would distract her from her own thoughts and a mind numbing day of paperwork was not going to do the trick.

Even if only for an hour over lunch, she was looking forward to immersing herself in someone else's life. It was made even more exciting by the fact of whose mind she'd be immersed in. Richard Castle, whose novels she had loved for years. They were friends; she would admit that now, though it had taken a couple of years for her to take him seriously.

Friends or not, he never talked about his work more than surface details and she was intrigued to see the process she had always been curious about but never had the nerve to ask.

She was still lost in thought as the elevator opened and she stepped out, trying to relax her features so she wouldn't give away her excitement when she got back to her desk. She was bumped hard as she stepped off and heard the quiet and insincere apology of the man who had bumped into her.

It took a moment for her to register that the quiet apology was in a very familiar voice. It almost sounded like Castle, but there was something off about his tone. It was strained and tight, off just enough that she was certain it wasn't actually him. When she turned to acknowledge the apology she was shocked to see Castle standing in the elevator, jabbing the button.

"Castle?" she asked in surprise before she truly processed the man in front of her.

His shoulders were slumped, his posture portraying a sort of sadness that at first she thought her initial interpretation had to be wrong. Then her eyes locked with his and she took in his expression. His mouth was a tight line as if he was fighting intense emotion, lips pursed so tightly a muscle in his cheek was twitching softly.

Castle looked pale as if all the blood had left his face. She was about to ask him if he was feeling sick, because he sure looked like he was about to throw up or pass out, but then her eyes locked on his and it was clear this wasn't a physical ailment. The sheen in his eyes, sparkling in the light with unshed tears, made her suddenly aware that the tension in his features was his attempt to fight an emotional turmoil, not a physical illness.

Her heart stuttered at the sudden realization that something was horribly wrong. She wanted to stop him, ask him what the matter was, hop in the elevator and figure out something to say on the way down, but she was shocked in place. She hadn't seen this level of emotional distress on the normally jovial writer more than a few times, each of which was under a highly stressful situation.

The crinkle between his eyebrows, the set of his jaw, glistening eyes, the tense set of his shoulders, her stomach bunched with concern for whatever was going on. He looked completely crushed and her first thought was, 'Oh, God, not Alexis'.

As the doors slid closed, her eyes drifted down and her last sight was of his hands, balled into tight fists that weren't quite able to mask the subtle shaking in them.

Her mind instantly went into detective mode as she pulled out her phone and dialed his number. Something was seriously wrong and he might need her help. If not as a detective, perhaps as his friend.

The line rang five times and went to voicemail.

She instantly hung up and dialed again. Five more rings and no answer. By the time she made a third attempt she was back at her desk, thinking that perhaps the elevator was blocking his signal.

On her third attempt she left him a brief, but insistent, message, "Castle, call me."

As she hung up she thought there was so much more that she could have said, should have said. She should have offered her help or let him know that she would be there for him if he needed her. He had been there through so much for her and the least she could do was be there as he went through whatever the hell was going on.

Completely distracted as she waited for his return call she zoned out on his chair for a moment, letting her mind wander. She wondered if she should call his mom or daughter, but what if it was nothing. What if she was overreacting? Maybe she hadn't seen what she thought she saw. Maybe he was just in a hurry to get home, perhaps inspiration had struck and he had to head off and write immediately.

Even as the thoughts filtered through, she dismissed them. She knew Castle too well for her to have misinterpreted that expression. She wanted to give him a little while to call her back before she started to rile up anyone else.

Pushing aside her paperwork she opened a program on her computer and pulled up the logs on recent calls for emergency personnel. She was still cross referencing fire, paramedic, and police calls when Ryan and Esposito came back. Esposito was teasing Ryan about how many times he called his fiancé between interviews and they stopped beside her desk.

"Yo, Beckett." Esposito greeted her with a crooked grin, "Settle a debate for us, would you?" he asked, but didn't wait for an acknowledgement, "How often is too often to call your significant other while you're supposed to be working?"

"I think Ryan spends less time calling Jenny than you spend texting Lanie, so if one of you has a problem I'd say that it's you." She responded absently, still scouring the files and coming up empty on Castle's home address, Alexis' school, even reports by general description of his mother or daughter.

They were both still standing there, now considering her with odd expressions. She must have let on that something was bothering her. Perhaps he had contacted one of the boys, though that was entirely unlikely.

Turning away from her computer with no new information she regarded them, "Have either of you heard from Castle today?" she asked.

Kate watched the two detectives share a knowing smile, the little smirks just succeeded in pissing her off. Didn't they know this could be serious?

Ryan was the first to speak, a teasing grin on his face, "He's not coming in today." He explained and followed it with a suggestively low toned, "Why?"

Esposito picked up from there, "Missing him already?"

"Guys." She snapped. Her tone indicated that she wasn't in a joking mood and they became completely serious. Both shook their heads to acknowledge that they hadn't heard from the writer. "He was just here, but he left in a hurry, something's wrong and now he's not answering his phone."

Esposito pulled out his cell, hitting the speed dial for Castle and waiting. She watched with anticipation, hoping that perhaps Castle would answer for the other detective. Somewhere in her she knew that she would be more than a little upset if he answered for Esposito and not her.

A moment later when Javier hung up his phone, Ryan already had his out dialing. With the same result they shared a puzzled look.

"He always answers his phone." Ryan said, a hint of confusion in his voice

Esposito turned suddenly concerned eyes on her, "You try." He told her. "He definitely wouldn't ignore your call."

She shook her head, "I already did."

"Again." Ryan encouraged.

With a sigh, she picked her phone up off her desk, hit 'redial' and waited. Each ring brought her pulse up a notch, anxiety and concern building with the tension. His familiar voice mail message played in her ear and she hung up.

The boys got as much from her as they could, though she was hesitant to explain the full extent of his expression. She explained it as agitated and anxious and left out the part about his watery eyes and how he looked like he was fighting just to hold himself together. With the vague thought that she might be overreacting to something, she wasn't about to hand the boys ammo to use against Castle when he strolled in as if nothing had happened later today or tomorrow.

It was another half hour of them unofficially investigating their friend, changing the search criteria to encompass the entire day instead of just the past couple of hours in case Castle hadn't been contacted right away. When they came up empty, Beckett had finally had enough.

Slipping away from her desk she moved to the break room to make a cup of coffee, but her true intent was subconscious. Once she had everything started, she pulled out her phone and scrolled her contact list. Without a single thought about it, she hit call.

It took only one ring for the phone to be answered. "Detective Beckett?"

She felt both relieved and guilty at the sharp note of concern in Alexis Castle's voice. On one hand she was glad that the teenager was alright, but on the other hand she now had the girl worried about her father. "Hi Alexis." She tried to keep her tone casual.

"Is Dad, ok?" she asked, the one question Beckett wasn't sure she could answer just then, especially when presented with a note of anxiety.

"Actually, he just left a little bit ago." She told the teen, not sure if she affected the proper level of calm in her voice.

"Oh." Alexis sounded confused, "Is there something you needed from me?" she asked.

Beckett felt a little silly now for having called the girl. She had just been so concerned that something had happened to her from the way Castle had left. There was no one he cared about more than his daughter and seeing that expression on his face had instantly sent her mind reeling with concern for the teen.

She decided to just give it to her straight; unlike Castle, Alexis was actually very level headed. Beckett explained that her dad had looked upset as he left suddenly, but wasn't answering his phone. "I was just worried that something might have happened to you and I wanted to call and make sure everything was ok." She finished.

Alexis chuckled lightly, "Not that I don't appreciate the concern, but he would have told you if something happened to me. I'm pretty sure of it." She was going to ask a follow up question, but Alexis continued, "I'm sure it's nothing. He probably just had an epiphany or something. Sometimes he gets a very serious look on his face when he's struck with inspiration."

"You're probably right." Beckett responded, not entirely convinced.

"He sent me a text message about twenty minutes ago." Alexis told her.

"That's good. Sorry to have worried you." Beckett responded as she felt a moment of relief at the teen's words. That meant he was in active communication as of very recently. "When you see him later, can you just ask him to call me?" she inquired

"Actually, I'm going with Paige and her family to their winter home. Skiing and hot cocoa until Sunday, but I can give him a call and let him know. If you want."

On one hand, Beckett was a little frustrated that Castle wouldn't answer her calls, but he sent Alexis a text. At the same time, she was his daughter and Beckett was just, well, that was complicated. She knew Castle wouldn't ignore his daughter's calls as he was obviously ignoring theirs and perhaps she could get a sense of relief. As much as she felt odd asking the girl to do it, Beckett agreed that she would appreciate the gesture.

Back at her desk a while later, after finishing her conversation with Alexis, she felt better. She told the boys Castle was in touch with his daughter and everything seemed to be fine. He was probably writing.

With that they all turned back to their paperwork.

It was almost four in the afternoon when a shadow passed over her desk and she looked up, fully expecting to see Castle hovering near his chair. It was Alexis and the young girl's forehead was creased with concern. "He's not answering." She said simply.

"You said he gets held up in his writing and sometimes doesn't hear what's going on around him." She tried to calm the girl with the logic she had used on the detective earlier.

"No, you don't understand." The teen's frustration was palpable. "His phone is off." She said tightly, her tone rising as she spoke, "He _never_ turns off his phone."

It took Beckett a moment to formulate a response to the passion in the teen's voice and the concern written on her face. "Maybe the battery died." She provided as lightly as she could manage, though the extent of Castle's emotional state was still a secret she was keeping to herself.

"He took it off the charger this morning before I left for school. His charge will last four days unless he spends all day playing with his apps, then only one or two, but he couldn't kill his battery this quickly even watching movies."

Beckett sighed and led Alexis into the break room, guiding her to a chair and sitting across the small table from her. "I'm sure he's fine. What did he say in his text message?"

Alexis dug in her pocket and pulled out her phone, scrolling through before sliding it across the table to Beckett.

She felt a moment of numbness as she read the brief message.

"_Have fun skiing. Don't worry about me being stuck in the big Apple. Love you!"_

It shouldn't have meant anything. It sounded perfectly rational and reasonable for a message from a father to a daughter, but something struck her.

As her mind flashed through him explaining his 'safe word' to her so long ago and the dozens of times she had twisted his ear and he'd shouted, "Apples, Apples!"

The phrase 'stuck in the big Apple' sent a chill through her.

Something had happened to him and he was sending them a message. She wondered what he had walked into when he left the precinct and hoped that they would find him before something terrible happened.

She couldn't stop the myriad of visions that plagued her as she forced herself to remain outwardly calm while her internal torment raged with flashes of hundreds of crimes scenes she had been through.

Each one had a disturbing change from her original experience.

Instead of the victim they had found on scene, her mind replaced them with Castle. Frozen in construction scaffolding, hanging upside down from a fire escape, stuffed in a safe, laid out on the floor in a puddle of his own blood, a large crimson stain growing from a wound in his chest and soaking into the carpet.

In each mental image, his body was pale and lifeless, but his eyes held the expression he had the last time she had seen him in the elevator. The hurt and anxiety clearly reflecting in his blue eyes as if begging her to help him.

She felt suddenly breathless from her own imagination and hoped she was completely wrong about this whole situation.

x.x.x

A/N: I'm so very humbled by everyone's response to this so far. I am focusing on my other story, but will try to post on this every 2-3 days, probably alternate POV like I do in most of my stories.

To answer a question, no, this is not based on spoilers for the future. The spoiler warning from the previous chapter is for episodes that have already aired. If you haven't seen them, they may or may not be referenced briefly.

Review that made my day: **pkl**, First to the party just like my last story and so excited you make me smile every time.

Thanks for reading.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

Castle's phone started to ring almost immediately after the elevator closed. Her familiar ringtone covering the quiet whirring of the elevator made him cringe. He wanted to hear her voice, he always wanted to hear it, but she was also the last person he wanted to talk to. He had to get a handle on all of this first, so he hit the ignore button and dropped the phone back in his pocket.

A moment later it was ringing again and he groaned as he hit 'silence call' and stepped out of the elevator. He made his way straight out of the building without acknowledging anyone, hailed a cab and was climbing inside when she called for the third time. She was persistent, he had to give her that, but with a swirl of mixed emotions he hit the silence button again, this time keeping his phone in hand so he could quiet it more quickly. He was tempted to turn it off, but he had Alexis on his mind and she might need him for something or want to talk to him before she headed out for the weekend.

He was just hoping they made it through their drive without a half dozen more calls.

To his relief the voice mail chime sounded indicating she had left him a message, so she probably wouldn't be trying back for a while. He played the message, short and to the point. She sounded annoyed, and he wondered if it was just his imagination or if she actually sounded a little concerned. That was odd, but he was probably just projecting.

The way she said his name was so familiar from all the times she had reprimanded him with it, but the 'call me' almost sounded pleading. He wanted nothing more than to call her back if for no other reason than to make sure she wasn't actually worried. His finger hovered over the button to return the call, but he couldn't bring himself to do it.

Once he spoke to her, he knew he'd crack. He knew, in his current mindset, the first thing he'd do was ask about the ring and he wasn't ready to hear her tell him she was starting forever with someone.

He wasn't ready to hear her gush on the proposal. He wasn't ready to hear the excitement in her voice or to hear her pity for him. He wasn't ready to let her go and he knew that was going to be the last conversation they had before everything changed.

A boyfriend was one thing, it was temporary, it was fleeting. A fiancé was a step off of 'forever' and he knew her. Kate Beckett was dedicated. She was dependable, loyal and trustworthy. He knew if she made a commitment to someone, she would honor that. He also knew that she wouldn't make a commitment of that nature unless she was certain. He was sick with the certainty that she wouldn't even accept the ring unless she was positive, unless it was love. Unless she was completely certain that Josh was her 'one and done' and he knew the decision was already made.

Once the cabbie dropped him near Central Park, he began to wander the area as his thoughts wandered entirely too freely in his mind. He walked aimlessly and wasn't even sure how long he wove through the park and then through the streets of New York. He let his mind play over everything and tried not to turn any of his thoughts away.

He couldn't have stopped the thoughts that swirled in his head, even if he wanted to. He was flooded with memories of her laughing at him over one of his ridiculous CIA conspiracy ideas, building theory over Chinese takeout, sitting together against her desk as they bounced ideas around. Then with vivid detail he recalled the night her apartment exploded right in front of him, close enough that he could feel the heat, and he knew she was dead. Knew he had lost her. Climbed the stairs and broke down her door calling for her, but never expecting she would answer. He relived the joy of hearing her voice acknowledge his cries to her.

After a while, his phone rang again, this time Esposito was calling, but he knew it was just Beckett trying to use the boys to get in touch. He didn't want to talk to Esposito any more than he wanted to talk to Beckett. His head felt a lot clearer than it did when he had first left the precinct, but it still wasn't on completely. He wasn't sure if he could talk to any of them right now.

Sure enough, almost as soon as Esposito hung up, Ryan was calling him. He didn't understand why they couldn't just accept that he didn't want to talk to anybody right now. Sure enough, a minute after Ryan's call wasn't answered, Beckett's ringtone was sounding again. He couldn't take it anymore. He couldn't listen to them calling him while he was trying to think.

As soon as Beckett was finished calling him, he shot a text message off to Alexis. It was just a simple note to tell her to have fun and not worry about him. He got a quick response that had him smiling because he knew she was in school.

"Love you, too. Try to have some fun this weekend, but not too much."

Oh, she had no idea how little fun he was going to have this weekend.

He was currently fluctuating between fond memories and now expired visions of a future with Kate Beckett. The second was the worst. Over the course of his time working side by side with Beckett, there were a lot of little fantasies. Any time he flashed on a memory of a dream or a fantasy or even that rare thought he'd had occasionally when he got caught in her eyes and wondered what she would do if he just kissed her, he'd feel a hitch in his breath.

His level of anger with himself for playing it safe and never taking a chance with her was building to a subtly burning fury. The anger and desire to stop hearing her ringtone playing on his phone drove him to do something he never did, especially when he wasn't with his daughter.

Castle turned off his phone.

He felt ridiculous. He shouldn't be upset over something as seemingly insignificant as another person finding happiness. Especially when he knew that the person in question deserved to be happy more than anyone else in the world.

Beckett, of all people, had earned the right to be happy after so much hurt and heart ache in her life. He knew that, and somewhere inside as his stomach knotted, he knew that he wouldn't be the one bringing it to her. Once again, he would have to step aside, because it was the right thing to do. If it meant that she would be happy he would do whatever it took. Just not today, not right now. He couldn't handle it right now, couldn't even think about it without wondering if his heart was going to literally crumble in his chest.

Today he'd take the time to mourn the loss of the last vestiges hope for something more than what they had always been. However, first thing tomorrow, he'd force himself right back into the mold he had made for himself. Friend. Partner. He'd smile and say congratulations and really mean it, at least try to mean it, or say it enough times until the words didn't make him want to throw up.

Despite his completely screwed up and unvoiced feelings toward the detective who inspired him, not just in literature, but in life, he would smile. He'd congratulate her and congratulate Josh, that lucky bastard. He'd go to the wedding and bring a nice gift that she would tell him was too much and he would make a joke. He'd wish her happiness always, and despite the fact that today a piece of him died, he'd be happy on that day. He'd be happy that she had found joy in a world that for her was all too often bleak.

Not because he'd be over her. He couldn't see that ever being the case. Katherine Beckett was not the type of woman you could lose and it wouldn't haunt you for the rest of your life. No he wouldn't be over her, even though he'd never actually had her in the truest sense of the word. He wouldn't get over the fact that she had permeated so much of his life. When they were just friends with no hope for anything else, he knew he would miss her smile, her frown, the little crinkle between her eyebrows when she was stumped on a case.

No, he'd probably never recover from letting her slip away, but he'd be happy. He'd be happy because she was happy and to him, that had come to have a great deal of importance. Some days, seeing her smile was the reason he didn't mind getting dragged out of bed at three in the morning to go stand over a body. Some days, making her smile was his only goal and when he succeeded it was like a junkie's rush, he wanted to do it again.

When things got hard, she stood strong, she rarely cried. She didn't break because of her nearly unshakable strength, but sometimes he could see it. Sometimes he noticed the glisten in her eyes that was a fissure, just a crack in the foundation that foretold of the collapse that was coming. One look and he knew she was about to crumble in on herself and his mind went to work a mile a minute, trying to find something, anything, that would patch the hole until she could get home.

He knew she'd break once she walked in the doors of her apartment, out of the prying eyes of all those who looked up to her, but he needed to hold her together until she could make it there, so he would try to make her smile. He knew that the last thing she would ever want is to feel like anyone viewed her as weak.

How that word could ever apply to her, even in her own mind, was ludicrous. She was the strongest person he'd ever met. Her strength was both his favorite and least favorite character trait that she possessed. The thought felt weird in his head, but he put it in context with what he had been mentally rambling around and he felt the first flicker of positive thought since he opened that drawer.

If she found someone she could be vulnerable with, someone she could let in those walls she built up so damn high, then he could easily be happy, not for himself, but for her. She deserved it. She deserved to be happy and she deserved him to be happy for her, not mope around or make all the snide comments that started running through his head since the moment he stepped out of the precinct.

She was his friend, his good friend, possibly the best he'd had since the day his books took off and people started seeing him as something he wasn't. When people stopped seeing Rick Castle the man and started seeing Richard Castle with dollar signs.

She saw him for who he really was, even if sometimes she gave him grief about the fake him that showed up on page six. She treated him like one of the guys and he'd never had that, not even growing up.

Traveling with a single mom and practically living in a theater hadn't been conducive to his development of real strong male influences. He knew, to this day, he wasn't a particularly manly guy. He wasn't rough around the edges, couldn't throw a ball to save his life, he didn't have a single story outside of the bedroom to define his masculinity. Not until she walked into his life. It was an odd thought that a woman helped him become a man, but it was true.

Beckett and the boys at the precinct, along with at least half the force now that he'd been around so long, just saw him as a regular guy. After so long of people looking for what they could get from him it was nice to be surrounded by people who didn't look to him for anything more than they would look to the next guy for.

Humor, theories, coffee. These were the things she got from him, she expected no more, in fact she expected nothing. He'd like to give her more. He'd give her the world if he could, if she'd let him, but that was just another dream to tuck away deep in his heart only to take out on rainy days when he'd curl up in the couch with a bottle of scotch, because the world wasn't his to give her. Her new world would be built around a certain handsome surgeon.

The thought of Josh and scotch so close together had him grateful for the yellowed and discolored sign he saw two and a half blocks ahead of him. The tattered sign had him assessing his surroundings for the first time in a while and he realized he had walked himself straight into a rather seedy part of the city.

The streets were lined with rundown apartments, little shops, a strip club on the corner and a dive of a motel with a sign indicating that they had beds by the hour was situated kitty corner from the liquor store. Without another thought he made a tentative plan and his pace picked up for the last two blocks before he headed into the store.

He found what he was looking for quickly and stepped over to the checkout line, surprised by the lack of traffic in the store for a Friday afternoon. There was no idle chit-chat as if the older man behind the counter could see he wasn't in the mood to talk. Castle suspected his unwillingness for meaningless conversation was probably written clearly on his face.

The worn features of the man cashing him out seemed to project that he understood, even if he wasn't saying anything. After passing the clerk some cash, he was handed his purchase in a paper bag. With the bottle of booze in his hand he headed for the door, but stopped as he pushed it open. Castle turned to get one more glance at the man with sad eyes. He hoped he wouldn't turn into that man, but he saw himself in a future as bleak as the eyes that watched him leave the liquor store.

x.x.x

A/N: Sorry for the delay in posting since last chapter. As I told you, this is currently a side project and I'm so close to the finish line on my main focus story right now that I can taste the sweet, sweet victory calling my name. As a result I'm writing like crazy on it, five chapters a week, and I find myself breaking my 'no writing on Tuesday and Thursday' rule just so I don't lose momentum on that one while I work on this one, too. If I keep this pace I'll be done with Retaliation in a week or so and fully focused on this story. Until then, you'll get updates on this one as often as I can find the time and energy.

Review that made my day: **Divamercury**, who gave me a phrase that has been spinning in my head for two days now. I have a fan of my work. It is work, but its fun and I didn't even think about the fact that I might have fans out there. That's really quite amazing to me.

Thanks for reading.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

Beckett was proud of her poker face as she set a cup of tea in front of Alexis and sat down across the table from her again. The last thing she needed was a teenager freaking out when she was having enough trouble trying to think straight. "If there was something wrong he wouldn't have told you not to worry, right?"

Alexis looked at her as if she wasn't quite buying the story before giving a dramatic sigh that would make her grandmother proud, "I guess it's not the first time he didn't realize his phone was off or maybe he turned it off on purpose. He does that sometimes if someone is calling and he doesn't want to talk to them."

Beckett was glad to see the girl was intensely focused on the brown liquid in her cup and not looking directly at Kate. It took Beckett a second to stamp down the little bit of hurt that probably crossed her face as Alexis made the simple statement of fact concerning her father's tendencies.

"There was this one time," Alexis looked back at her with a fond smile on her face, "He didn't have his phone on for almost three days when he was trying to avoid Gina because he was behind on Storm Fall." Alexis laughed at the memory. "He bounced a ball off the wall for three days before inspiration hit and he barely came out of his office for two days as he finished it."

Kate couldn't help smiling at the girl's fondness for her father, and hearing how difficult it must have been for Castle to make the decision of killing off the lead character in his series of novels. "That must have driven you crazy." She remarked.

Alexis shrugged, "Better him bouncing a ball than playing air guitar with the stereo cranked up until all hours of the night."

Kate nodded, "Yeah, that would get old."

"It's different now." Alexis commented, her brow wrinkling slightly. "Dad's different now."

"Are you sure it's not you that changed? A lot has happened in your life since your dad finished that book." Kate was genuinely curious. It was interesting to get a peek into Castle's life that he wasn't crafting himself.

"Oh, yeah, I've changed a lot, too." The teen agreed quickly, "But not as much as Dad. It's weird, because I've always felt so responsible and taken so much on myself that I didn't really realize how much he looks out for me. I never really thought about all the things he taught me, and he's spent a lot less time running around the world on book tours. He doesn't go out to parties and he's even eating healthier, except when he's here of course and he eats like a cop."

"He's probably cherishing his last few years with you before you're all grown up, and taking care of himself more because he's getting too old for late nights." Beckett supplied.

Alexis just rolled her eyes at that, "Right." She said sarcastically. "That's got very little to do with it." Alexis gave her a pointed look, "You know it wasn't me. You're a detective, there's no way you missed all the signs."

Kate stared at her a moment in stunned silence. She couldn't believe how horribly skewed a teenager's view on life could be. "You're not actually trying to imply that I had something to do with any changes in your father?" Beckett asked incredulously.

"I didn't think it was implied, I was pretty much just saying that exactly."

Beckett couldn't think of a response to that and let silence envelope them as they enjoyed their hot beverages for a minute in comfortable silence.

Alexis gave her an indulgent smile as she stood and carried her cup to the sink. She dumped the rest of her drink down the drain and rinsed it out before turning back to Beckett. "Look, I'm sure right now you think I'm just some dumb kid, but I don't mind. The fact that you can't see all the ways he's a better man because of you means you're either stupid or there's something else going on in your head." Alexis gave her a sarcastic smile as if saying they both knew Kate wasn't stupid, followed it up with a little wave and headed out of the break room.

Kate didn't want to be left alone to ponder her thoughts, not when they had been so thoroughly whipped into a frenzy by a few words from the girl who was walking away. "Alexis?" Kate called after her, unable to shake her earlier statement. "So you're saying he turned his phone off because he doesn't want to talk to me?" She finally asked, unable to stop herself.

Alexis looked at her with surprise in her eyes, "What? No. No way." she spoke with confidence, as if that were the most ridiculous statement in the world, shaking her head.

"I'm the one that was calling and he let it go to voice mail multiple times before he turned it off." Kate looked down at her glass avoiding the teen's questioning expression. "Sounds like I'm the one he's avoiding."

After a long silence, Kate looked up to see Alexis considering her carefully, "Did you guys have a fight or something?"

"Nothing like that." Kate shook her head. For a moment she wondered if she should really be having this conversation with the man's daughter of all people, but then she brushed it off. Alexis was easy to talk to and she was a hell of a lot more insightful than her teenage years should account for. "He asked for my help with his book. He said he was stuck and we decided to go to lunch and see if we could work through the problem."

"Hmm." Alexis seemed to consider that a moment. "He wouldn't walk out if you had lunch plans; that doesn't make any sense."

Kate shrugged, "Yeah, well, that could be said about a lot of things he does, so I guess we just wait it out." She tried to smile and alleviate any worry the teen was experiencing. "He'll throw a ball at the wall for three days and be back in here giving us all grief in no time."

Alexis nodded, accepting that version of the facts. "You'll call if you hear from him, right?"

"Of course," she responded. "I'll call _when_ I hear from him." She made sure to remedy the teen's word choice. "Now, go have fun, but be careful up on the mountain. I don't want to have to talk your dad down from worrying about you. You know, he's not nearly as sensible as you are."

Alexis gave her a cheeky grin, her dimple making an appearance for the first time since she arrived. "I'll call when I hear from him, too." She told Kate before she turned and walked away, her step lighter than it had been when she arrived. Beckett hoped that she hadn't given the girl false hope just to crush it later.

She waited a full minute to make sure Alexis was officially gone before she made her way back out to the bullpen. Ryan and Esposito approached as she sat heavily in her chair.

Ryan glanced at Esposito as if unsure and after receiving a nod from both him and Beckett he glanced at his notes and started, "He was picked up in a cab just outside the precinct. The cabbie dropped him on 110th and Cathedral Parkway a little after one thirty."

"Anything in that area that stands out?" she asked, already fairly certain there weren't, but knowing the boys had checked into it.

Esposito shook his head, "There's a couple organic stores, farmers market and the park." He shrugged, "There's also a metro stop there, but nothing that screams Castle."

"So no toy stores or novelty shops?" she tried to lighten the mood, but just earned matching eyebrow lifts from the guys. "Ok, well, according to Alexis, he's been known to turn his phone off sometimes if he's expecting a call he doesn't want to take. So just get back to your paperwork. He'll turn up."

She watched them reluctantly go back to their own desks and didn't miss Ryan trying to whisper as they left, "That doesn't make sense, dude. If Castle didn't want to talk to us we'd at least know what we did."

"I don't think it's us he's avoiding." Esposito remarked, whipping out his phone and shooting off a quick text message. To Lanie, no doubt, the one person she didn't need trying to psychoanalyze what was going on.

Looking at the clock a while later, Kate realized it was almost six and wondered where the time had gone. She was just turning to tell Ryan and Esposito to call it a night when she saw they were already putting their jackets on. As she thought about it, this was the first Friday night in months where they had already wrapped up the case and wouldn't be working through the weekend. They weren't on call and Kate felt a sudden sense of loneliness as she waved a farewell.

"We're heading to the Old Haunt." Esposito chimed in, "Lanie's going to meet us there after she finishes her body. You game?"

Kate shook her head, "I don't think so, not tonight."

"Come on, Beckett." Ryan chimed in, though his pace towards the exit barely slowed, "Live a little."

"You guys have fun." She replied absently, trying for a casual brush off. She didn't like to think about how that sounded like something Castle would ask her to do. 'Live a little.' Sometimes she wished she wasn't a detective, because even with the reassurance of Alexis and her detectives, she still felt like there had to be something wrong.

Kate scolded herself for being ridiculous. He didn't have to answer her calls. He didn't answer to her. She wasn't his boss, he just followed her around. He brings coffee and cracks jokes. That's it. So why was she so worried about him not answering. He always answered his phone when she called or at least he called right back if he missed it.

She was about to walk out when she thought better of it and turned back to her computer. There had to be something there, something the made where he had been dropped off make sense. She couldn't figure it out though and the longer she stared at the screen the harder it was to make sense of anything.

Richard Castle was an enigma. He could have been researching a scene for his book, meeting an old friend, he could have been buying organic fruit for Alexis or that corner just happened to be the location of his favorite taco truck. With a groan she pushed herself away from her desk and headed in to grab another coffee.

As she made her way through the bullpen she noticed how quiet it had gotten in there. It took her a moment to realize that was the lull in a Friday night, almost everybody gone and the few people on duty out in the field.

Beckett had just gotten back to her desk when her cell started to ring. She pulled the phone out of her pocket, hoping to see Castle had finally come to his senses, but disappointed when it was Josh's number on the screen.

Kate shot a look at the clock, seven thirty; Josh was at her house to pick her up. Crap.

"Beckett," she answered, perhaps he would get that she was still working if she started in professional mode.

"Are you still at the precinct?" Josh asked and she could hear the hint of frustration in his voice. She had already told him there would be no case today and he'd been glad their schedules finally freed up enough to give them time together.

"Sorry, yes I got hung up here." She swallowed and wondered exactly how much to tell him. She finally decided that the truth was probably best, because it would explain why she hadn't even bothered to call him. "Castle went missing today and we aren't sure if he's been taken or if getting lost was his idea."

Josh's reaction was surprising as he laughed through the phone. "How long have you been looking for him?" he finally asked.

Kate stuffed down the feeling that told her she should defend the fact that this was serious and this was her partner. Josh shouldn't be laughing about it. Instead she just said, "About seven hours." Her tone was clipped and to the point, not giving away the frustration warring through her.

"Yeah, well," there was that tone again, the cocky one where she just knew he was smiling. Something about this was funny to him and she was about to tell him that if he wanted to joke about something that could be serious than she didn't need to talk to him right now. She was busy after all. The thoughts never made it out of her mouth as Josh continued, "From the ruffled suit jacket and wrinkled pants, I'd say he was sitting outside your door for at least a couple of those hours."

"What?" she was both stunned and surprised. If she had just remembered that she had a date with Josh she would have been home over an hour ago and wouldn't have spent the last sixty minutes beating her head against a wall trying to figure out the bazaar motivation behind Richard Castle. "Is he still there?" she finally asked.

"He left when I got here." Josh's tone was more serious now, "Is there something you need to tell me?" he finally asked.

"There's nothing to tell." Kate sighed, "I'll call and let the guys know that he's been spotted and wasn't carried away by rabid fans or psychopaths this time."

Josh chuckled as if she were telling a joke that he didn't get but could appreciate the humor in, "One of these days, Kate, you're going to tell me some of these stories."

With a sound of half-hearted agreement for 'someday', Kate finished the call by letting him know that the search for the resident writer had set her back a little in her paperwork and she wasn't sure when she'd be able to make it home. Once she had extricated herself from the conversation with an agreement to meet for Saturday brunch as long as he wasn't called in for surgery, Beckett hung up and immediately called Castle's number again.

When she heard his voice mail message she hung up, snapping the top of her phone down over the keypad in frustration and then opening it again as she dialed Ryan.

The sound of music in the background of the call let her know that they had already arrived at the bar. "Change your mind on drinks?" he asked in place of saying hello.

"Hardly." Beckett replied. "Castle's been spotted. He's still out of communication, but at least we know he wasn't abducted by the CIA."

"Or aliens." Ryan chimed in.

Once she had gotten away from that call, glad to have avoided Lanie, Kate sat in her chair and stared at the blank murder board. In her mind she was labeling the board with her evidence and nothing about today seemed to stack up to explain why Castle had left in such a hurry looking entirely stricken, disappeared for hours, and then showed up obviously looking rumpled at her apartment.

Mock whiteboard firmly committed to memory, Kate finally sighed and resigned herself to finding out the good old fashion way with hard work and god detective instincts. Something in her told her that he wouldn't go to his loft. He had already made the comment about not liking to be left alone in his house.

As Kate packed up her things and noted that it was nearing nine at night, she realized that was the exact opposite of what she wanted. She was glad to be going back to her empty apartment where the noise would all just melt away. Where she could poor a bath, grab a bottle of wine and unwind. Today had been stressful to say the least and knowing that they were heading into a full weekend off work with no excuse to call him, Kate felt a clench in her stomach.

It spoke of things that were wrong in the universe and that tingly sensation was usually her first sign of trouble. She didn't like it one bit, but knowing that he was not dead in a ditch somewhere was enough of a relief to have her heading for home. On the lonely trip down the elevator, Kate typed out a quick text message. By the time she got to her car she had talked herself out of, back into and then back out of sending it.

With one last thought of all the times he had been there for her, she sighed and hit send.

"_Don't know what's up with you today, but call if you need to talk."_

x.x.x

A/N: Sorry for the delay again. As I told you, I'm in the end stages of my other story and sucked into its vortex. If you're reading Retaliation, you know why I spent the last week writing like a maniac, because everything I seemed to write ended up stopping with a huge cliffhanger. If you're not reading Retaliation, well then, once you get to the end you'll understand why you wouldn't have appreciated me leaving you perched on those cliffs for very long.

Alas, after the new Episode I don't think Castle would believe Kate accepting a ring from Josh, but since this was started prior to Setup/Countdown, I'm going to keep rolling with it.

Review that made my day: **Dee Hensley**, because you're so used to me throwing in scary twists you're expecting one around every corner. It made me laugh and feel a little bit of evil pride at the same time.

Thanks to everyone for reading.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

Castle had slipped into a cab with his purchase and waited patiently for it to deliver him. Having a plan was better than wandering aimlessly and as much as it would have been easier to just call her and do this over the phone, some sick part of him had to see her while she broke him.

He arrived at her place, but knew she wasn't home yet even before he knocked. Leaning against the wall had been fine for a time, but the looping negative thoughts had driven him down the wall when the weight of holding himself up became too much to handle. He was sitting there, contemplating how much he could use a very tall glass of scotch on the rocks or, hell, he'd be happy to drink straight out of the bottle right then.

Of Course, now that he was far from the liquor store he thought about the liquid courage he might need to face her for what could potentially be the last time. He could partake in what was in the bag, but that had been purchased with an alternate purpose in mind.

He heard the elevator open and he fought the urge to feel nervous energy as he glanced over, hoping to see her disembark. He was more than a little crushed to see the current object of his disdain step off carrying a bouquet of roses. It was all brought back to him, the fact that she declined his dinner invite, the fact that she had already made plans, and here were her plans, walking straight towards him.

It was far too late to bolt, or look like he had been doing anything but moping in front of her apartment. He probably gave off a distinctive stalker vibe right about then, he could tell by the puzzled expression on Josh's face as he got to his feet.

"She's not home yet." He told the approaching man.

That didn't stop his approach and once Josh was standing next to Castle, he couldn't help but notice that the man wasn't nearly as ruggedly handsome as he was. There was something about long hair that made him think of a greasy Seattle grunge rocker, despite the nice suit the man was wearing. Just looking at the other man's hair made him want to take a shower and schedule a visit with his barber. He managed to stop the laugh as the thought that perhaps that was something Kate liked about the biker.

Perhaps she liked her guys with long hair, but he rethought that quickly. Demming had been clean cut, as had Sorenson and the more he thought about it, Josh's hair was cut pretty close to the head the first time he had come into the precinct. No, this was a recent development.

Before his mind wandered away from the current situation onto thoughts of whether Kate liked the change in Josh, he plastered what he thought would pass as convincing for a smile and raised his eyes to meat Josh's.

"She still at the precinct?" he sounded genuinely confused, and finding Castle in her hallway was probably the driving force behind that confusion. Rick knew if he were in Josh's shoes he'd be a lot more than confused by a guy sitting around outside his girlfriend's apartment.

Castle just shrugged, trying to sound casual. "Don't know, haven't been back in a while. I just felt like hiding out, you know?" He tried for a sheepish grin and the lie made that one easier to pass off than the fake friendly he had on a moment before, "No one is going to look for me here."

Josh nodded, but his curious expression didn't ease with Castle's humor.

Figuring it was probably for the best if he got out of there before things got even more awkward or Beckett showed up, Castle switched his grin up again, hoping he came of as happy, happy for the other man despite his knowledge that if he killed him and hid the body really well, it probably wouldn't be found for fifty years or more. That kind of thinking was both destructive and distasteful. With that in mind, Castle held out the bottle in the paper sack he had been carting since the liquor store. "Congratulations." He said, hoping his tone came off with an appropriate level of sincerity.

Josh reached in the bag and pulled the bottle slightly out to examine the label before tucking it back in the bag with a whistle, "Nice." He remarked, appreciatively, almost on autopilot before something seemed to register in him and his eyes shot up to meet Castle's as if searching for some kind of answers there. "Thanks." Josh finally responded, his smile growing wider as a twinkle appeared to light his eyes.

Castle nodded to the other man in response and then headed towards the elevator and away from her apartment, away from her man, and away from the life they would be building together. Perhaps he really should have just answered the phone when she called. He felt like the lowest form of a coward as he slinked away when he should be fighting for what he wanted.

Once he reached the elevator he hit the button and then turned back as he waited for it to reach Kate's floor to pick him up. Josh had his phone in his hand, staring at it as if he expected it to ring any second.

"Josh," he finally called down the hall, garnering the other man's full, annoyingly happy, attention and Castle couldn't help himself. "You hurt her and they'll never find your body." He told the other man as he stepped into the lift. He watched Josh's face as the doors closed and he registered to shit between shock and disbelief, though the confusion was finally gone. Josh was, certainly, no longer confused about Castle's feelings for Kate, too bad he was the only one who wasn't. The elevator opened on the main floor and he was out the door as quickly as he could go in search of some open space to let his wandering feet carry him aimlessly again.

Once out on the sidewalk, breathing the fresh air, he remembered how good a tall glass of alcohol sounded and flagged down a cab. He knew it was probably not the most productive idea he'd ever had. He knew it was probably not the healthiest reaction. He didn't care. Running into Josh had been the worst possible end to his stupid plan of talking to Beckett.

Telling him congratulations when all he wanted to say was 'back off' made bile rise in the back of his throat. The fact that he managed a smile at all was astounding; the fact that Josh obviously believed that or his words was mystifying. He left Beckett's apartment feeling both sick and confused.

As his cab pulled away from the curb he caught sight of Josh walking out of Beckett's building. He was talking on the phone and smiling. The bottle of wine was tucked under his arm and he used the hand with the flowers in it to hail a cab. Castle guessed he didn't ride his motorcycle when he was all dressed up in a suit. With a sudden annoying thought that he was headed out to pick up Beckett for a romantic evening, Castle felt that clench in his stomach that made him feel like he was going to throw up again.

Yeah, he needed a drink, or maybe four.

The quiet of a cab without a radio with only the sounds of the tires on the road and an errant honk here or there was not conducive to distraction. He needed to find something to focus on that would get his mind off her for a minute. He wanted to stop imagining what it would look like when Josh picked her up. The ring sparkling on her hand as he presented the roses and the wine.

They'd share a kiss as she passed him to climb into the cab while he held the door. She'd ride in the middle so their bodies were in full contact while the cab whisked them to their destination. Perhaps her hand would find a spot on Josh's thigh to rub absently as they shared stories of their day apart. As the city crawled by and they made their way through the dense traffic, her hand would slide just a little higher on his thigh, rubbing small circles until it was nestled high on the inside of his thigh.

She would look up at Josh with that cute fake innocent expression she got sometimes and slowly trail her fingers over him, finding he was already hardening from her attentions. She would leisurely let her fingers dance along his length as it hardened further and he bit back a groan while she her fingers made their way back down.

Josh's eyes would drift closed when she finally let her hand grasp him through his pants in a single firm stroke before she went back to teasing him. Castle could almost hear Kate chuckle, lower and more throaty than the ones that she shared with him, as Josh leaned down to press a passionate kiss to her lips. The motorcycle doctor would trail hot kisses down her cheek, along her jaw, and then come to rest nuzzling her neck. He would whisper in her ear that they should skip dinner and head home for dessert.

Kate would moan from Josh's ministration on her neck and agree that he had a fine point, she didn't want food, but she was hungry for him.

Castle groaned as the driver finally pulled up in front of The Old Haunt.

Sometimes he really hated being a writer. Vivid detail playing out in his mind and sent him scurrying out of the cab without paying attention to the fact that he had probably well over tipped the driver if that huge grin on his face was anything to go by. He needed a drink; he needed several to even begin to stop his brain from assaulting him. He wasn't sure how many it would take before the mental image he had just conjured finally washed itself out of his brain in a liquid haze.

Castle barely made it through the door before he spotted Esposito turning away from the bar with two bottles of beer in each hand. Without thinking about it, Castle instantly stepped back out of the bar. The cold night air licked at his face as he felt a sudden loneliness set in. His mom was out partying, his daughter was off with her friends, Beckett was probably in the middle of some kind of amazing sexual experience with the man she was going to marry and his two closest friends were in his bar having drinks with their ladies. He couldn't take seeing them right now. He didn't want to be around anything that reminded him of her, and he certainly didn't have the heart to be a fifth wheel and stand around with two happy couples.

He was on a mission to get so blind drunk that he couldn't think straight and the last thing he needed was for his tongue to start wagging in front of the two detectives, or Lanie for that matter. With a frustrated sigh he started walking. He finally spotted a vacant cab a couple of blocks latter and flagged it down.

Giving the cabbie his address, he had plenty of booze at home, Castle finally reached in his pocket and took out his phone. He flipped it on and waited a moment for it to register that he had a couple of texts from Alexis. He sent her a message that he had been working and turned off his phone. He apologized because she seemed worried. And reminded her that he wanted her to have fun.

As he sent the message to his daughter, his phone beeped at him. He had a new message. It was from Beckett.

Castle debated whether or not he should open it, but he knew it was a futile debate so with a sigh he opened the message.

"_Don't know what's up with you today, but call if you need to talk."_

He suspected that if she sent that, she probably wasn't wrapped around her bad boy doctor boyfriend. She didn't seem the type to tap out a text message while she was trailing kisses across another man's chest, making her way down where she gently rubbed her cheek against the man's straining erection before looking up teasingly and finally putting her phone down to reach up to his belt. She would be biting her lip as she focused and began to slowly pull the belt free from each loop.

Castle bit back his holler of frustration and managed only to release a low line of cursing. Ignoring his new mental picture he quickly responded to her text message before he could change his mind. _"You're busy with Josh, we'll talk another time."_

The response came so quickly he wasn't even able to form another disturbing image of her and Josh together. _"No Josh, just take out and an old movie. I had to work late."_

Castle told the cabbie he changed his mind and they turned at the next street to start back tracking the way they had come from toward their new destination.

After a couple of minutes driving, his phone alerted him to a new message. It was Beckett again. He hadn't responded to her message so was surprised by the alert that it was her texting him again. _"Please call me."_

It was the closest to begging as Beckett would probably ever get, but he didn't respond to the message as he paid the cab driver and stepped out, heading for the elevator. The knowledge that she was alone for the night didn't alleviate his growing sense of loss, but it did relieve the mental images that had been assaulting him.

Before he knew it he was standing outside her door. Finally working up the courage, Castle raised a hand and knocked on the door before he could change his mind.

x.x.x

A/N: Chapter 4 got half as many reviews as any of the previous chapters, so either that one just wasn't as good or I lost some of you with my extended absence. I hope you all find your way back; it's more fun for me when you're there to enjoy it with me. We won't have a week between updates again and should see 3-5 each week.

Review that made my day: **carolina17**, I loved this, because it started with some yelling which, surprisingly, I find motivating, after which there was the delightful PS to temper it. The contrast made me laugh.

Thanks to everyone for reading.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six

Beckett was just walking into the lobby of her apartment building when her phone alerted her to a text message. She didn't expect when she pulled the phone out of her pocket that it would be Castle, but there it was. Reading his message she wondered what Josh had told him to have Castle thinking she was with her boyfriend tonight.

Of course, she had told Castle she had plans, how was he supposed to know that she had been trying to find him and make sure he was alright, so she had completely forgotten about her date and ended up rescheduling with her boyfriend.

She didn't want to put this off any longer and she knew he wouldn't call if he thought she was with Josh, so she quickly typed out a response as she rode the elevator up. _"No Josh, just take out and an old movie. I had to work late"_

Kate kept her phone close as she started to go through the process of decompressing from her day. Despite the fact that her phone would have sounded if she received a response from him, she couldn't stop herself from glancing at it repeatedly as she set her take out on the counter.

Kate decided she wasn't feeling hungry as she waited anxiously to see if Castle had turned his phone off or if he would respond again. Slipping the take out containers into the fridge she grabbed her phone off the counter and walked into her bedroom. Setting the phone on top of her dresser, Kate put away her gun. She gently removed her father's watch and the necklace with her mom's ring and softly placed them in her jewelry box.

Kate took a moment to look down at the picture of her parents in the top of the box. They were so happy together; the perfect example of marital bliss, her guide in life that instated her firm belief that real love was until death. One man and one woman who faced down all the challenges that life brought them and those things made them stronger together instead of pitting them against each other.

She let her finger slowly trace the outline of her mom's face. She had spent a lot of time thinking about her mom or her dad in the past 12 years, but as she considered it, she really hadn't thought about them together very often. She thought about the things they had done as a family or all the times she had spent doing girl's day things with her mom, but as her fingers toyed with the velvet box in her jacket pocket she found herself thinking about what she had seen in their relationship.

The way they looked at each other and anyone could see that when their eyes met, in those brief moments, it was like there was no one else in the world. The shared smiles and silent moments between the two were as poignant and telling as the affectionate way her father always found a way to touch his wife, subtle but unmistakably both possessive and proud. Alone they were amazing people, but together they were like magic.

The more she thought about it, the more Kate wondered how much of her interpretation of her parents had been skewed by her youth and the fact that she looked up to them so much. She shook off the thought quickly as she remembered the one time she had heard her parents have an argument. They bickered all the time, but it was a light hearted banter that was never mean or spiteful. It was playful and actually reminded her a little of Castle and his family.

She glanced at the phone, still nothing, and then shook the thought off as she looked back at the photo of her parents. She didn't know what had started that argument between them; she had been about eight years old and sleeping in the backseat of the car during a long road trip. They had been on their way home from some distant relative's wedding in Charleston, South Carolina. She remembered waking up to her father sleeping in the passenger seat and her mom crying quietly as she drove.

It was an odd experience because her mom wasn't one to cry. She was so strong. It had shocked young Kate so much that she stayed still in the backseat and simply observed them. It didn't take her long to realize that her father wasn't actually sleeping, but stewing silently in the passenger seat with his eyes closed. A sort of escape from whatever had happened.

She had never seen her parents like that and it scared her as the miles ticked by out the window. It was dark, so she had nothing to distract her from the adults in front of her. She wasn't sure how long they drove through the dark before she finally spotted a sign for a rest stop and asked to go to the bathroom.

By the time she came out of the restroom, he parents were hugging beside their family car. When they got back in it was like an entirely different road trip. From what she could gather after that, her parents had some kind of misunderstanding. Her father had said something that her mom misunderstood and her response had been taken the wrong way because it was in reference to whatever he had said.

Three things happened after the argument: Her parents laughed together about the fact that they were both really awful listeners, they pulled off in the next town and found a little bed and breakfast to stay at for the night so they could finish the drive with fresh minds in the morning, and their family never went on a road trip that didn't have frequent stops for rest and relaxation along the way. Apparently, spending fourteen hours driving was not conducive to logical thinking or maintaining level nerves.

That was a lesson that Kate abided by even to this day. Not that she ever went anywhere, but when she did, it was always planned out following the 'Beckett Family Squabble Prevention Act' that they had jokingly instituted after that summer. They had sat together as a family, written out all the provisions and signed it. That paper was still tucked in a photo album somewhere at her Dad's house, but the swirling letters of her mom's elegant handwriting was burned into her mind from reading it together every year before they set out on their family vacation.

She never saw her parents argue about anything after that. They didn't fight about money or argue about the household chores. They didn't complain about one or the other having more responsibility. They never talked about how impossible it was to spend time together when her mom had so much responsibility in her job and took on side projects. Theirs was a loving and supportive relationship and the more Kate experienced her own relationships, the more she wondered if she had seen the two of them through rose colored glasses.

It didn't seem logically that they would have nothing more than tiny disagreements throughout their entire marriage and Kate couldn't go three months in a relationship without some kind of argument blowing up. There was always really great make-up sex afterwards, but that didn't seem to ease the feelings that built in her from those moments of anger where both sides said things they later told the other they hadn't meant, but she knew that an argument was the way most people vented whatever had been bothering them.

She had been thinking her job was to blame for a lot of the problems in her relationships so far in her life. Having such a time-consuming profession, one that she buried herself in sometimes to the point of obsession, had ruined nearly every relationship she had ever been in.

Things were different with Josh. He had a job that was equally as demanding as her own that he pursued in a similar obsessive manner. It didn't stop him from being frustrated when she was called out in the middle of the night. It had taken them nearly six months before they had their first fight. She had been rather impressed with that fact, seeing as it was the longest she had been in a relationship without having her boyfriend grumble about her obsessive work schedule.

Of course, as she thought about it, they really hadn't spent all that much time together because of their similarly demanding work schedules.

Kate pulled the box she had been running her finger across out of her pocket and set it on the dresser, not opening it. She knew what was inside and at the moment she didn't want to see it again. Not while she was so damn confused. The more she thought about that ring the more it bothered her. How he could think they were ready for this step when they barely had any time to themselves.

She felt an annoying sense of anger with him for jumping the gun, but she knew that had a little to do with how much she had been holding back in their relationship to this point. He had officially become her longest adult relationship last month, but that didn't mean that she was ready to call it forever. She didn't believe in divorce, or at least she didn't want to be someone who ended up divorced. This was a major decision in her life and the fact that he seemed to be jumping the gun made her stomach knot.

She tried to convince herself that his attempt at moving their relationship forward only bothered her because he would spend at least three months of every year in some third world country. Tried to convince herself that his lack of interest in children because 'there were enough kids in the world' made sense and didn't bother her at all. Tried to dismiss the fact that of the six arguments they had since their relationship started, four of them had been about her partner.

Tried and failed.

Today had been a rollercoaster of realizations. She left Josh's house that morning and he met her at the door, passing the box to her on her way out. He had asked her to hang onto the ring while she considered it. He gave her one of those smiles that she normally found so endearing, but that morning it hadn't made her feel anything but annoyed. She smiled back and took the box, the feel of the velvet on fingers as she slipped it in her pocket sent a chill through her. She was not ready for any of this.

The early morning hours, before Castle made it to the precinct, were spent thinking about what forever with Josh would be like. A serious relationship, that didn't have that sense of humor that her parents had shared. A quiet home they rarely spent time at together aside from sleeping. An empty house without the one or two kids she thought she would probably have some day. Three to six months every year with a husband out of the country.

She was looking at the ring sadly, considering the months she had wasted in a relationship that was exactly the opposite of what she really wanted in her life when Castle walked in and she shoved it away, slamming it in her drawer and forgetting about it until Josh called her later.

It hadn't helped that she spent the day worried about Castle. That man had gotten under her skin and she was more than a little suspicious that there was some truth to Josh's concerns about him and their partnership. She didn't want to follow that train of thought, so she started to strip her clothes off in preparation for her bath.

Once free of the garments, Beckett slipped into her silky robe before heading into the bathroom to start the bath. She got the water to the correct temperature and then moved back into her bedroom to grab her phone.

As confused as she was about all of the day's events, she was worried that she still hadn't received a response from Castle. She knew she was an idiot for caring about whatever he had run off for earlier, but she couldn't stop seeing that defeated look on his face. She was curious, and she knew she couldn't blame all of it on the fact that she was a detective who liked to have answers.

Kate waited as the tub filled with warm water and the scent of her bath oil filled the bathroom as steam rose from the water. Ignoring her instincts against following up again despite his ignoring her, Beckett typed out a quick message to Castle, _"Please call me."_

She felt a little ridiculous as she looked at the words, but the sight of him in the elevator popped back into her head and she hit send before she could talk herself out of it.

She stared at her phone for a moment as the bath filled and then laid it near the tub so she could answer it if he did indeed call her.

With an exhausted and annoyed sigh, Beckett decided against lighting the candles. She untied her robe and was just pulling it off when she heard the knock at the door.

She pulled her robe around herself and tied it back in place. It was probably Josh looking for an answer instead of just waiting until they met the following day for brunch. She was too tired to deal with telling him all the things she had come to realize, but she couldn't leave him standing out there.

Walking out to the living room and looking through the peephole she was surprised and relieved to see who was standing on the other side of the door.

She pulled it open, "Castle?" she said with a little more surprise than she had intended.

x.x.x

A/N: Holy Crap! I guess I didn't lose you guys with the long delay. I feel really bad when I leave you all hanging that long and it was reassuring to see that you were still along with me even though I wandered off for over a week. That won't happen again, I'll update every 2 days at least. Thanks

Review that made my day: **SunshinyKate**, Because I love hearing interpretations, especially when it confirms that a scene played out how I had intended it while writing. Thanks.

Thanks to everyone for reading.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter Seven

When the door opened everything Castle had been planning to say to her flew out of his head in an instant. Kate Beckett stood in front of him in a pale blue robe that shimmered slightly in the light and made his fingers itch to reach out and touch it just to see if it was as smooth as it looked. He couldn't hear whatever she was saying to him, so he assumed it was an invite to enter and walked past her into the living room, despite his desire to walk right into her.

He was pacing in front of her couch, wishing he couldn't see so much of her legs. That damn robe only went to the middle of her thighs and he had a hell of a time tearing his eyes away from the skin. He vaguely noticed her shutting and locking the door before she turned to face him with her hands on her hips. The tight line of her mouth projected her frustration and he felt a sickening drop in his stomach. He wondered for a moment if Josh was the reason for her state of undress.

Perhaps he was in the bedroom waiting for her to return, but she would just tell him to leave instead of locking the door as if she expected him to be here for long enough that safety would be an issue. Maybe Josh was on his way over, but that didn't make sense either, for the same reason. She definitely wouldn't want doctor motorcycle boy to find her practically naked with another man in her apartment.

The thought of her practically naked had him wondering if she was wearing anything under that robe. Suddenly, his fingers were itching to touch something he was sure was equally as smooth, but entirely more enticing than her robe. The column of her neck flowing down to the deep V of her robe and intimate knowledge of how easy it would be to push either side of that V away, or both sides, suddenly had blood flowing places it shouldn't be going when he needed every bit in his brain to keep track of his thoughts.

Somewhere in the back of his mind he registered the sound of water running and it finally clicked that she had been about to take a bath.

"Sorry." He finally spoke, "I didn't mean to interrupt your bath."

He watched as she seemed to realize that she had left the water on and excused herself. For reasons other than his normal self-preservation instincts, moments after she disappeared down the hall, he followed. He knew it was probably not in the best interest of his safety, but he propped himself against the door frame and watched as she leaned over the tub, turning the faucet to stop the flow of water.

The subtle scent he normally caught from close proximity to her, had filled the bathroom in nearly intoxicating strength. He had a virtually overwhelming desire to wrap himself around her and sink them both into that bath she was about to waste. He had to shake the thought off; the last thing he needed right now was for her to be pissed off. He wanted to have what could be his last memory with her be more civil than him having his arm broken or getting himself shot.

He was still admiring the view when she stood up straight again and turned. He watched her jerk slightly as she caught sight of him in the doorway. He had startled her, something so unexpected that it made him smirk and become instantly intrigued.

"What the hell, Castle?"

Her irritation snapped him out of his fantasy. "So, how's it going?" he asked casually, attempting to give her the opportunity to just tell him so he didn't have to be the one that brought it up.

"Great." Her sarcasm was clear, "What have you been up to all day?" Beckett crossed her arms and glared at him, but didn't make a move to step away from the tub or perhaps it was that she didn't want to get any closer to him.

"Oh, you know," he started, finally falling comfortably into the casual tone he had tried for earlier, "Just hanging out."

"Where?" she asked simply.

"Here and there." He gave her a half grin and shrugged off the question. "What happened to your plans tonight?"

He watched a hint of anger flash through her eyes as she took a single step towards him. "I don't know, Castle, perhaps it had something to do with the fact that _my partner_" she said with emphasis to portray the importance of those two words stuck together, "ran off without a word, looking like someone had died."

"You're exaggerating."

Beckett scoffed. "That's more your thing than mine."

He shrugged, "I just needed to go for a walk." He wasn't sure why it sounded like such a ridiculous excuse after the fact. He hadn't really thought that she would worry about him, but that light of concern still clear in her eyes said that she had been.

"A seven hour walk, with your phone off?" she asked. Her tone was quiet, but he could hear the hint of frustration, a shadow of what must have been there earlier.

"Sorry." He finally said. "I didn't think you'd care."

That had been the wrong thing to say as a sudden glint of anger flashed across her face, "You got the first part right. The part where you didn't think."

He felt the grin and the teasing words bubbling out of him, even though he knew it was the worst possible time for it, "Why, detective, did you miss me?"

Kate's jaw ticked as she clenched her teeth. "Get out, Castle."

He shook his head, the teasing grin growing wider as he took a step into the bathroom. "What are you going to do, shoot me? I doubt there's anywhere in that scrap of fabric you're wearing to hide your gun."

Kate raised her eyebrows, but he noticed the very faint hint of pink that brushed across her cheek as if she just realized she was standing there in so little, "You really think I need a gun, Castle? After the day I've had, I wouldn't push it."

"Did you catch a body?" he asked, "I thought we were off rotation."

Kate shook her head at him, "I think we're about thirty seconds away from having a body if you don't get out."

"I kind of like the view." He replied with a shrug, letting his eyes rake down her body and back up slowly.

Kate's glare intensified, "Are we really going to have this conversation in my bathroom?"

"We can move to the bedroom if you prefer." He suggested.

Kate let out a frustrated sound that was very much like a growl. "Dammit, Castle. Would you just be serious for two freaking seconds?"

He shrugged, "I'm always serious about taking you to the bedroom, but was there something else you wanted to talk about?"

He watched her bite back a retort for the first part before she addressed the second, "What happened to you today?"

"Nothing happened; I figured you'd be relieved to have me out of your hair for an afternoon."

"Relieved? How long have you known me?" To his surprise she gave him a soft smile, but then a frown took over as silence weighed for entirely too long. "If there's something going on with you that you don't trust me with, that's fine, but at least tell me that much." Her tone had become earnest and her eyes clearly displayed a sense of betrayal that he hadn't been expecting. "Don't keep me in the dark."

He felt his teasing grin fall away in light of her seriousness, "I trust you." He responded in disbelief. "Or course I trust you. I just couldn't talk about it."

She shook her head, "Something obviously happened that had you running out of the precinct looking the way you did." Her voice dropped as she finished, "You scared the hell out of me thinking that something was wrong with Alexis or Martha."

He was shocked. He hadn't even considered that. He had been so stuck in his own downward spiral that he didn't think about what anyone else was thinking. "I didn't mean to freak you out. I just needed a little time to deal with this, alone."

Kate laughed, but it was humorless, "Yeah, that was obvious when you decided to ignore my calls."

The look in her eyes made him wince slightly; he had no intention of hurting her. He hadn't even considered that she would care where he ran off to. "I just didn't think it mattered." He took another step toward her out of habit, because that look in her eyes didn't go away and he wanted to do something, anything, to comfort her.

"If I ran off without saying anything to you, would you worry?" she asked, her posture relaxing slightly as if she was starting to believe he hadn't been maliciously ignoring her.

"That's different." He responded and she raised an eyebrow at him to silently ask for clarification. "It just is, ok?"

"No. You're not going to put me through this crap today and then just stand there like it was nothing." He heard the anger leaching into her voice. "You can't tell me that if the tables were turned you'd have a right to be pissed off, but I can't be." She responded and he noticed the interrogation voice. She wasn't going to let him get away without saying it, no matter how much he hated the idea of putting his thoughts in words.

"You deserve to be happy, Kate." He said, his tone quiet as he told her what he knew to be true, "And I know you probably think I'm arrogant for just assuming that one day I'd be the guy that made you feel that way."

"What the hell are you talking about?" her anger clearly not fully dissipated from a moment before as he watched her scramble to figure out what was going through his mind.

"Look," he started again, his eyes finally lifting to meet hers as his determination came back as strong and steady as his heartbeat. "You probably don't want to hear this right now and, hell, I probably should have said it months ago, but. . ."

She cut him off curtly, "No."

"You don't even know what I was going to say." He responded with another step forward, though he was certain the detective could easily have deduced the direction he was trying to go by his statements.

"I don't know what's gotten into you today, but I think you should go home." Her tone had calmed, but the still waters of her anger ran under the surface.

"Just hear me out, and then I'll leave. I promise." He swallowed hard around his next words, because they could be a game changer. "Whatever you say, I'll do it. If you want me to come back tomorrow like today never happened, it's done. If you want me to pay penance for being a jerk today, whatever that penance is, you've got it. If you just want me to go away and leave you alone for the rest of what I hope is a very long and happy life, then I'll do it."

"What I want is for you to think before you do something stupid." She responded.

Castle shook his head, "I've already done something stupid. As much as I understand how many mistakes I've made, how big of a disaster I've turned all this into, I can't compound it. Not now. Not for another minute." He took another step towards her, standing close enough now that he could reach out and touch her, but restraining himself. He saw her eyes widen and then determination swept her features as she obviously fought the urge to step away.

"You still haven't told me what the hell happened with you today." She finally spoke and he noticed the slight tremor in her speech as she looked up at him. Her eyes confirmed that she felt uncomfortable with him this close while she was wearing so little, but damn if he knew why she was uncomfortable and what that meant for his chances of surviving this conversation.

"I'm not the only one keeping secrets." He said quietly, dropping his eyes from hers because he couldn't look at her when she finally understood and voiced what had yet to be spoken.

Her tone fell to match his, hushed and no longer echoing slightly in the small tiled room. "Who's keeping secrets, Castle?"

His eyes snapped to hers. He didn't understand how she could have no clue what he was talking about. "You are."

She opened her mouth to respond, but closed it as she looked at him with confusion. He saw the moment that realization hit her. "You went through my desk?" the anger was back and this time she was the one stepping into his space.

Even without the heels and standing several inches shorter than him, he felt intimidated by her expression. He forced himself to stand his ground and not step back. In response to her question he shrugged, "Why wouldn't you tell me you two were that serious?"

Kate poked a finger into his chest, "It's none of your business."

Castle couldn't help but laugh at that and the sound made her eyes burn even hotter with her fury. "The hell it isn't." he challenged.

"It isn't." she responded hotly, poking her finger into his chest again, with enough force to have him wincing and taking a step backwards. She followed his retreat. "It's my life, Castle. It has nothing to do with you."

The anger seemed to transfer from her through that finger into his chest where it constricted and then burned right through his veins. "Bullshit." He responded, surprised by the venom in his tone.

He pushed her hand away from him forcefully and followed her as she took a careful step back from him. Their eyes were locked, the anger and frustration boiling out of both of them in that gaze.

"Castle," she started in that tone he recognized so well as leading into a serious reprimand. When she opened her mouth to finish whatever thought she had, he couldn't stop himself from shutting her up. He didn't want to hear her tell him to back off again, at least not without building one more memory of her.

Ignoring the last bit of logic remaining in his brain, he closed the distance between them. Everything happened so quickly that he knew it would take several minutes for his mind to catch up with his actions. One hand buried itself in her hair and held her in place while his other landed on her hip. A moment before his lips met hers he registered the surprise in her eyes.

That look was the reason he expected to find himself curled on the floor a moment later, after having her knee shoved forcefully into the most sensitive spot it could reach. That look was the reason that he was surprised when she met the near violent actions of his lips on hers with her own pressure as she slipped her tongue out to tease its way into his mouth.

His reaction to her response was instant and fierce. The robe under his fingers was as smooth as he had imagined and his fingers clasped her hip tightly when she moaned, leaning into him. Her body was firm but soft against his and he found himself instantly hard from the pressure of her against him and the passion she returned against his mouth.

Her fingers wound into his hair and gripped a solid handful, nearly painful in her tight grasp. Castle's grip on her hip finally loosened as her other hand grabbed a fistful of his shirt. The gentle caress of his hand over the swell of her hip was in direct contrast to the fierce energy of their kiss. His fingers slid low against the fabric until he hit bare skin and then began their trip back up, bringing the smooth material with them.

His palm flat against her skin he continued a trail up her flesh until he reached the delicate swell of her ass and his grip tightened slightly. Castle pulled her body completely flush to his own, groaning into her mouth at the intensity of sensation coursing through him.

A moment later, she yanked the hair in her grasp, her other hand no longer pulling, but pushing. Their contact severed. In that moment of shock, Kate swept past him and out of the bathroom.

He stood in stunned silence as he heard her move away from him before she slammed a door, probably closing herself in her bedroom. Castle cursed into the silence of the bathroom as his breathing continued to come in erratic gasps and he tried to figure out what the hell had just happened.

x.x.x

A/N: Ok, seriously, I kind of hate this chapter, it would not cooperate. I really need to spend some time with my other fic, so a day or two and you'll see me again here. Sorry about the cliffy, but this was getting long and Kate's brain was calling me.

Review that made my day: **carolina17**, because it's nice to know that I'm not the only one who gets distracted with fanfic in the middle of the night when I'm headed to get a drink of water and should be going back to sleep.

Thanks to everyone for reading.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter Eight

Kate Beckett's heart was racing as she leaned against the door inside her bedroom. She could still feel the heat of that kiss and the tingle along her skin where he had touched her. On sluggish legs she moved to her dresser, feeling the desperate need to be wearing more clothing.

She blindly pulled out a set of pajama pants out and slipped them on. She pulled off the robe as she grabbed an oversized t-shirt. Feeling only slightly irrational she slipped on a bra and tank top before pulling the nightshirt into place. Not bothering to brush her hair she tied it into a loose pony tail and steeled herself for whatever would greet her when she opened the door.

Kate reached the threshold and placed her hand on the knob, but couldn't find the energy to turn it; instead she leaned forward and rested her forehead against the cool wood of her door. Her breathing had settled and so had her racing heart, but her head was still going a mile a minute as she tried to figure out what had just happened.

She didn't have any idea how everything had spiraled so far out of control.

One minute he was looking more than a little lost through her peep hole. The next he was leaning against the doorframe in her bathroom effectively halting her escape. He tried to avoid her questions. She knew his deflections, the sexual innuendoes and the false casual tone, neither of which ever reached his eyes which just regarded her with sadness despite the couple of times he had smiled while they talked.

She had heard the hollow sound of him thinking she really wouldn't care what was going on with him, as if everything he was going through, fighting against, had been one sided. She knew exactly what he was saying when he tried to tell her something about the mistakes he had made. She just didn't know if she could take that on the heels of an already trying day.

She knew all that, but couldn't understand the trigger, the catalyst that drove him to this sudden need to hide out all day and then show up here, angry with himself and talking about things that he really shouldn't be trying to bring up.

That sad look in his eyes didn't make sense to her. His actions today leading to what had become an uncomfortable conversation didn't make sense. It wasn't until she realized he had seen the ring, that damn ring that was nothing but trouble from the moment Josh popped the lid on the box, when everything fell into place.

Once realization of what had made him take off today had finally registered in her mind, everything became so clear. However, her frustration with him did not dissipated, in fact the knowledge of what had caused this day's events just seemed to piss her off more, but she didn't feel the need to dwell on that too closely.

She had said the first thing in her mind, masking her anger with him for running off like a dog with his tail between his legs by portraying an anger with her privacy being violated. She knew he snooped, that had never been a secret. If she were smart she wouldn't have left it there for him to see, wouldn't have ever taken it out of her pocket to begin with. She wasn't angry about him going through her desk. She was angry that he would just jump and run without talking to her first.

The fact that he would give up so easily and not fight made her suddenly furious.

If he even cared at all, he wouldn't turn tail and run at the first sign of trouble. It was the Hamptons all over again and it made her want to lash out, but her anger was as much directed at herself as him, because where the hell had the thought that he should fight instead of flee come from. Where had it become something she had been waiting for and what the hell did that mean about her relationship with Josh? She didn't want to think about how decidedly twisted that thought was.

He hadn't given her the opportunity to get further than a few mild barbs about how her life had nothing to do with him before everything screeched to a halt with that kiss.

Her mind snapped back to the present as she heard the quiet shuffling of feet coming in her direction. She had a moment to wonder if he'd be opening the door when the sound stopped directly on the other side and she waited for the handle to turn under her hand. She felt a dull thud from the other side of the door, not a knock, but perhaps him letting his head fall forward to rest against the door much the way she was doing.

Kate heard his sigh, heavy even through the closed door, and then silenced blanketed them again.

"I'm sorry, Kate." He finally said and she heard the sincerity in his quiet tone. "I never intended to start any trouble coming here tonight."

She didn't know what to say to that. So she stayed silent, mind playing over the feel of his confident touch against her skin as she was certain that was the 'trouble' he was referring to.

"You're right, ok?" He sighed again, "It's your life and it's none of my business. I know that, it's just so hard, Kate." his hushed tone was fervent now, a passion and sadness she hadn't heard from him before that had her stomach knotting in sympathetic pain. "You have no idea how much I wish your life was my business and I let my selfish thoughts dictate my actions because even though I've never had you it felt like I lost you today."

She wanted nothing more than to relieve that pained sound from his voice, thought that perhaps she should tell him that she hadn't accepted the ring, had no intentions of accepting it, but her heart was in her throat as his quiet confession spilled through her door. She couldn't believe that he was standing there pouring out his heart to her. It felt surreal and inspired a level of emotion in her she wasn't interested in exploring too closely.

She wasn't able to form words, so instead she took a long shaky breath and continued to listen as the silence dragged on.

"God, I hate this so much." Castle finally continued, his frustration clear. "I feel like a jackass standing outside your door dumping all my garbage on you like this. I can't even say it like you've led me on, because you've always been very clear about us." He paused a moment, cleared his throat as if he was having difficulty continuing.

Her desire to speak hit her again, as she listened to him explain that he really thought his feelings were one sided. Had she been as vague with her thoughts as his words suggested? Yes, she routinely told him he was annoying, or he got on her nerves, but it was lighthearted, never vindictive or mean spirited. .

He didn't seem to have the slightest idea how incredibly difficult that summer without him had been, but she couldn't breathe through the enormity of what he was laying on her, much less form a coherent response as she processed all that had transpired in such a short time.

Beckett was glad for the solid wood door that held her up at the same time it afforded the space they both needed to get through whatever this was.

"I just hope that you'll forgive me for tonight, because as ridiculous as it probably sounds to you, Kate, you're my friend, probably the best one I have. I know I'm a jerk and sometimes I can be irritating, but you don't judge me. You don't treat me any differently than you treat other people just because I'm a bestselling novelist or because I'm rich. I haven't had a real friend in so long and I don't want to lose it just because I let my emotions run away with me."

He fell silent again as if waiting for her response. Again, she didn't have one.

"Please, Kate."

She heard the pleading note in his voice, but she couldn't respond. Her fear of moving forward stopped her in her tracks. Those ever present fears of being hurt, and knowing that he had the capacity to cause a huge rift in her when things went south.

"I know that I was stupid for thinking someday I might prove myself worthy to you, that we'd have a chance. It was a fantasy. I know that. I know you're already with someone, and even though I'll admit that thinking about you with him makes me a little sick, I want to believe that you're happy." His tone became more focused, stronger with conviction and a hint of relief as if finally saying all of that had freed him from a terrible weight he had been carrying. "I'm sorry, Kate." Then another long silence flowed between them. "Please say something."

She couldn't take that pleading tone, but she couldn't bring herself to face him either.

"I'll take that as a get lost." His words were said so quickly she almost didn't understand. "I'll lock the knob on my way out, but you might want to come out and throw on the dead bolts before you go to bed."

"Wait." She finally spoke, surprised with herself for not just letting him leave and trying to work this out somewhere safer, like in public or over the phone. She let her hand turn on the handle as she pulled the door open to see him retreating from her again, walking away. It was a familiar sight and it hurt just as much this time as it had before.

The sight of his slumped shoulders and the sad, but hopeful look over his shoulder had her drawing a full breath to calm herself before she spoke again. "Can we go with option one?"

He turned back towards her and quirked his eyebrow in confusion.

"The one where we forget that today ever happened?" she asked.

Something that looked vaguely like regret swept him, but was gone in an instant, so quickly replaced with a smile that she wasn't sure she had actually seen it. "Really?"

Beckett nodded at his question and watched him breathe a long sigh of relief.

She passed where he was standing and headed towards her kitchen, he was following a little more carefully than normal.

"I don't know about you, Castle, but the day that shall not be named has been a veritable rollercoaster ride." She reached in the cupboard and pulled out two glasses. "I need a drink, you want one?"

His grin widened slightly as relief washed away and that light finally returned to his eyes, more muted than normal, but it was such a relief to see that she returned the smile.

"You have no idea." He responded gratefully.

And just like that she felt things slipping back into place. Perhaps not exactly where they had been before, but a close semblance that she could comfortably live with while she took some time to figure things out for herself.

x.x.x

A/N: Another chapter that wouldn't cooperate, but I blame Countdown for distracting me, because it was very good, if you ask me. One step forward, two steps back.

I really need to work on Retaliation, but I was in an angst kind of mood today and I couldn't bring myself to work on the bit of fluff that's coming on that one, so here's another chapter of this instead.

Review that made my day: **Beetlebug**, you made me smile with the image of you trying to dry your hair while reading. I'm guilty of multi-task fic reading myself and it's nice to know we all share a common bond. Though we may all need to seek out a fanfiction anonymous group as **Bella Paige** suggested if it gets much worse.

Thanks to everyone for reading.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter Nine

Castle looked into the amber liquid nestled in the ice cubes at the bottom of his glass. There was still a drink in there, maybe two. He knew he should have turned down that refill, but he had just started to feel a pleasant warmth when she tipped the bottle towards him in a silent offer for another. The tumbler was well over a double shot, even with the ice and the alcohol burned deliciously all the way down.

It was the bottle he had given her a few months ago for Christmas, a 1973 Auchentoshan that he got after noticing her fondness for scotch when they had all christened his bar. It was nowhere near the quality that bottle had been, but also nowhere near the price.

He was surprised to see her pull it out of the cupboard unopened. He figured she and Josh would have cracked into it after all this time. Thoughts of Josh had him kicking himself again as he sipped through the ice. He couldn't believe that he had stood outside her bedroom door and word-vomited all over her. This was beyond disgraceful. The fact that she was even still talking to him was a relief, but then he almost laughed.

Once they reached the kitchen, they had taken up opposite sides of her counter as if she were the bartender and he was a patron in her establishment. The only words that had been spoken were her explaining he should call his daughter and his subsequent phone call reassuring the teen that everything was fine.

Since he had gotten off the phone with Alexis they had been in a sort of silence that would probably be construed as awkward but he knew they were both puzzling through something. It was like the times they had sat at the precinct staring at the murder board, silence hanging over them, but never really repressive. Except here and now, each had their gaze was focused on the liquid reaching the bottom of their glasses again.

Castle knew this was it; he had to decline if she offered again, because he had done enough stupid things for one night. Leaving her while he was only feeling that pleasant warmth without screwing things up any further. The thought of walking out had him glancing across the edge of his glass as he finished the last sip.

His eyes fell on the clock over her shoulder. It was after eleven, but he probably wouldn't be sleeping tonight. The thing that struck him suddenly was that it wasn't that late.

Castle shifted his gaze to watch her face as she reached to the bottle again and went to tip some more in his glass. His hand covered hers on the bottle and the contact brought her questioning gaze up to meet his. He guided her to set the bottle back down and then released her hand, feeling the ghost of her skin against his.

Slowly, not sure who he was more worried about scaring off, Castle rounded the small counter and approached her. "Kate, look at the time." He suggested casually. He knew she would probably assume he was making idle chat, suggesting that he should be going, which he knew that he should because how much torture could a guy be asked to live through.

"It's late." She interpreted and he bit back a grin at the predictability of her response.

Castle took another cautious step towards her, "It's not too late." He responded, watching her eyes widen slightly at the implication before he continued, "Still almost an hour until midnight."

He watched her plant her feet, confidence that didn't reflect in her eyes playing out through her body language as she physically stood her ground, "Do you have a point to all this, Castle or are you just making an observation."

"Yes." He responded and watched her eyebrow and lip both quirk up as if they were connected. A questioning eyebrow, a hint of humor, and tied together so nicely, he wondered if he had ever seen that expression before.

The eyebrow relaxed and the quirk of a smile turned more full as if she had finally realized he meant yes to both and she leaned seemingly casually back against the counter as she waited. He was certain she wasn't drunk, she had less than he did and he was barely feeling a buzz that he wasn't entirely sure was from the alcohol.

"Were you going to get to your point or just stand there thinking about it?" she inquired the humor of his extended silence clear in her eyes if not in the actual tone of her words.

"Today will be over in less than an hour." He started, hoping she would take the hint, but feeling the need to explain anyway to make sure. He was sick and tired of half statements and misunderstandings. With another small step he closed off her exit on three sides between the wall the counter and himself. She could still step around him on his right side. "I was just thinking that if we're going to forget that today ever happened. . ." he let the statement trail off and realized the moment she understood his train of thought.

"I don't think that's a very smart decision on your part, Castle." She warned, but her tone was softened by a subtle breathiness.

"Do you want to know what will help me forget?" He asked, carefully reaching a hand up to brush his fingers across her cheek. He watched her flinch at the contact but she didn't pull away and her expression stayed curiously blank. "I need to hear you say it."

Her eyes shot from gazing somewhere over his shoulder to meet his eyes, "Say what?" that breathlessness hadn't left, but it was hinted with uncertainty and he could tell from the way she shifted slightly away from him that she was getting very uncomfortable with his proximity.

He knew it was time to back away, he shouldn't push her, but he was running out of time and perhaps under the cloak of never speaking of something again he had found the courage to ask the questions.

Instead of stepping back he shifted his fingers further until they were carefully brushing the soft edge of her hair as his palm tenderly cupped her cheek, keeping her face from turning away and her eyes locked with his. "Tell me that you don't feel anything for me. Tell me that I'm just your friend and everything I thought about us really is just a fantasy." He heard the quiet desperation in his own voice. As much as he didn't want her to say any of those things, he found himself continuing. "Tell me I'm crazy, there's nothing here, there's no us and there never will be. Please, Kate." He pleaded, "Tell me this energy, this heat, is all in my head, that it's a product of my overactive imagination."

She was regarding him with a slightly softened expression, but her eyes averted from his as her mouth opened and then closed again as if the words she wanted to say weren't available.

He watched her draw her lip between her teeth, biting gently and he wondered if she had the slightest idea what that did to him, how much he wanted to lean in and let his tongue caress the abused lip, sooth it. Her silence was too much so he leaned just a little close, "Remember, option one. Tomorrow we're forgetting this day ever happened. Whatever you say, I won't push, I won't mope I won't ever mention it again. It won't become a joke or even something I tease you about. I just need to hear you say it."

Her mouth opened again, releasing that lip and he wanted to move forward, sooth it with his tongue, but he fought the urge. "I don't." she finally said, almost a whisper.

He felt his breath hitch in his throat, as his thumb traced slowly back and forth across her cheek, waiting, but she never finished the thought. "You don't, what?"

Kate shook her head slightly, a loose lock of her hair that had escaped the ponytail brushed against the back of his hand. "You're not going to stop coming into work if I say it?" she finally managed and he heard the subtle pleading in her voice.

Castle didn't like the sound of this, but he knew he needed to hear it. He knew it would hurt, but something in him made him push forward for the sake of one day possibly being able to move on. "I'll be there Monday morning with a coffee and this will be a figment of both our imaginations." He didn't move away as she took a long breath. They had somehow gotten so close that he was surprised they weren't already touching, but that intake of breath had caused cool air from around them to pass over his lips and her exhale was warm against them.

"I don't feel it." She finally said. He was shocked for just a moment as he took in her expression, but it wasn't the words, it was the look in her eyes. She had that same look when she was teasing him with half-truths and he wondered if she was lying.

"Really?" he asked, but his tone was quiet and his resolve firmly in place. He leaned just that little further and let his lips gently brush across hers, the briefest of touches. So softly he wasn't sure if they had actually touched. "You didn't feel that?"

"Castle," his name whispered from her lips as their breath mingled and his body hummed, "We're supposed to be forgetting this, not making it worse."

"Tomorrow we forget." He reminded her, letting his lips brush across hers again, a little more pressure this time and then he pulled back just enough to look into her eyes. "Today you're supposed to be telling me you don't feel this." Her lids were half closed and her breathing had changed. He knew she wasn't going to say it again, but he didn't expect that she would relax against him. "Tonight you have to tell me to stop." He finally whispered and then closed the space again to press another gentle kiss to her lips.

He wasn't going to push this time, but he was interested to see how far she would let him take this, how far the promise of no consequences and never mentioning tonight would allow them to go, knowing that the further that line was pushed the harder it was going to be for him to honor that promise. He didn't pull away, but he kept the pressure on her, breathing through his nose as he waited for her to push him away.

He was surprised when she tipped her head slightly and gave him greater access, thrilled when he let his tongue snake out to sooth her lower lip as he had wanted to earlier and hers met his tentatively before she pulled it back from the contact.

Kate's lips parted on a sigh and carefully he moved into her mouth, just a simple brush of his tongue against hers and that humming in his body became a physical noise for just a moment. He realized it had been a sound from the back of her throat and he suddenly found that he wanted to hear it again.

He felt the tentative touch of her fingers against his arms and he held back, not wanting a repeat of what had happened in the bathroom. He was willing to let her lead and follow wherever she went so that he didn't scare her away again. Her hands slowly trailed a pattern up to his shoulders, one stopped there while the other continued to his neck, where it brushed through the hair at the base of his skull before settling there to hold him in place as she returned the subtle exploration he had just completed of her mouth.

The hand that he hadn't been resting against her cheek, he let trail behind her head as he gently pulled the band from her hair, allowing her tresses to cascade free around her face. He buried his fingers in the soft locks of hair as he finally pulled back slowly to breathe as he cradled her face tenderly between both of his palms. When she finally opened her eyes, they met his and a wave of intense emotion swept him.

They stayed there, locked in that single moment, eyes held and spoke emotions neither was capable of putting into words. Breaths mingled from close proximity. Fingers brushed gently through hair, across sensitive skin.

"Tell me to go." He finally whispered. It wasn't what he wanted to hear from her, but he couldn't take being in this moment any more. Not when he would have to ignore all that it meant to him when the sun rose on tomorrow.

Kate looked up into his eyes and the hint of a smile pulled her lips up, "No." she responded simply as she pulled him back to her.

As much as it was going to kill him to walk away, he was certain that having her with him, even for this single moment, was worth all the pain that might follow. Castle forced himself to stop thinking about tomorrow and lost himself in the feeling of her mouth on his.

x.x.x

A/N: I'm sick, lame lame lame. Brain fuzzy… Nothing makes sense, can't leave the house because I'm worried I'll crash if I drive. Didn't go to work, but wasn't able to be as productive writing as I thought I might be with a 'free' day off. I'll know when I'm better if I even liked this chapter.

Review that made my day: **daphnebeauty**, Dancing in your underwear. You seriously cracked me up with your roommate who is a "trooper" and your creepy neighbor. Thanks for the giggles when I'm feeling blue, except that they led to a brutal coughing fit, but how could you have known that.

Thanks to everyone for reading.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter Ten

"I don't feel it." She knew it was a lie even as she said it. She didn't sound very convincing in her own head and as she watched Castle's eyes widen, then almost instantly squint slightly as a tiny smile played at the edge of his lips, she was certain that he knew she was lying.

Before tonight she might not have been so easy to read, but hearing him spell out in no uncertain terms that what she had been ignoring for so long was in his head in his heart as well, had broken her defenses. She couldn't stop the knee jerk reaction to deny it, but the gentle kiss that followed threatened to swipe it all away.

Finally gaining control of her senses she spoke again, "Castle, we're supposed to be forgetting this, not making it worse."

"Tomorrow we forget." He said as he leaned back to look into her eyes. "Today you're supposed to be telling me you don't feel this." She couldn't speak, didn't want to lie to him anymore, lie to herself. "Tonight you have to tell me to stop." He whispered as he leaned towards her again and she couldn't speak if she wanted to as his soft lips touched hers.

He was driving her crazy with this tenderness. She would rather have that explosive passion they shared in the bathroom, something that would jolt her to perception and she wouldn't be lulled into this false sense of security. His calm sweetness was breaking down every negative conception she had of him as his words from earlier played through her head.

When their tongues met it was tentative and caused the fluttering in her stomach to increase and she felt the need to touch him. Somehow she ended up with a hand in his hair, holding him against her as she followed the retreat of his tongue from her mouth into his.

When he pulled her hair tie and a finally moved away from the kiss it took her a moment to open her eyes. The way he cradled her face between his hands and the look in his eyes that conveyed everything he'd said earlier and more was enough to make her weak in the knees. She wouldn't have actually thought it possible to feel so much from such little contact if she weren't standing there experiencing it for herself. All the holding back, all the denial, every missed moment had brought them here and it was overwhelming.

She couldn't speak as he looked at her like that and when he spoke she almost didn't hear his whispered statement, "Tell me to go." She saw the nervousness in him, the trepidation.

He didn't want to leave any more than she was willing to let him go after finally getting him here and the thought of it made her smile just a bit, "No." she told him as her fingers caressed his neck and gently guided him back to her.

He was holding back. She could feel it in the tension of the muscles in his neck. She had noticed the way his gaze intensified when she captured her lip between her teeth and thought perhaps that was a good push to get him to stop holding back. They had both held back so long that she couldn't take it anymore.

This moment could mark the first day of the rest of their lives if they stopped running scared. While she knew they were both very good at pulling away from each other, she didn't want to any more. She wanted to tell him all her thoughts and feelings the way he had earlier, but she couldn't find the words. Instead, she tried to show him, she worked to push him over the edge, steal the control he was obviously holding so tenuously.

With that thought in mind, she opened her mouth to gently suck his lower lip into her mouth and carefully compressed her teeth around the soft flesh. His groan at the gesture was dark and primal and she knew as his hand dropped to her lower back to hold her against him that she had succeeded in snapping the reins on his control. She smiled as she licked across his lip, still trapped between her teeth before releasing it and opening her mouth to the insistent prodding of his tongue.

A moment later his mouth was blazing a trail of desperate heat down her neck and all she could do was hold on to him so she didn't sink to the floor as her knees trembled and a moan escaped her lips. She had been playing with fire trying to get him to stop holding back, but despite her tendency to pull away from acting on instinct, tonight she was ready to feel those flames. She wanted to burn with him raging, fierce and hot, like a chemical fire or softly like the last embers glowing in a fireplace.

She wanted to show him everything she felt, everything she had bottled up and kept to herself for so long. She had a momentary flash where she thought this was wrong, she was still with Josh. In her heart she knew that relationship had been over long ago and his proposal had only solidified that thought in her mind. Whether she had told him yet or not, their relationship ended the moment he opened that ring box and everything became as clear as the diamond sparkling up at her.

She almost laughed about how, even now, being with Castle how they had both obviously wanted for too long, they had such horrible timing. Her desire to laugh was quickly replaced with just desire as his teeth grazed the skin on her neck. She let out a startled, "Oh." and felt him grin against her skin before he repeated the motion again, this time much slower and definitely more deliberate, following over that spot a moment later with his talented lips and tongue.

The sudden shiver that raced through had her head swimming as she rocked her body against his slightly, instinct driving her reaction more than conscious thought. She briefly wondered if she should take it out of auto-pilot and start trying to get back in the captains seat, but she suddenly found herself pinned firmly against the kitchen counter, his body boring heavily into hers. Castle stilled completely against her, his breathing ragged in the new found quiet as he rested his head against her shoulder.

Warm breath caressed the skin of her neck as she felt him pulling his control back in. "Castle," she gasped and wondered when she had gotten that husky note in her voice, but she couldn't find the will to care if he thought she sounded like some strumpet, "Don't stop." She whispered harshly in his ear before tracing the rim of his ear with the tip of her tongue.

She felt the tightening of his fingers on her hip as a low growl escaped his lips. The burning passion she was worried would consume her earlier, she embraced now as his mouth crushed against hers. He leaned more heavily against her and somehow it wasn't close enough.

She moaned as he seemed to read her mind and slid a hand to her thigh, guiding it up towards his hip so he could settle more firmly against her. At the contact she gasped as he groaned and it broke their kiss. She was more than a little shocked by her own reaction and as she gazed into his eyes she could see that she wasn't alone. The moment of pause lasted only the span of three breaths before she boosted herself onto the counter and pulled him more firmly against her, squeezing her thighs against his waist as she felt the hard length of him press insistently against her.

She wasn't sure if she should be concerned about how out of control everything spun from there. Her fingers couldn't seem to touch enough of him; his shirt was thrown somewhere before she fully registered that her fingers were working the buttons. Before she could explore the exposed skin he pulled away, and lifted her t-shirt over her head.

She heard him chuckle as he found another layer beneath the first. She rolled eyes at him, but the gesture died mid-roll as he whipped that shirt over her head as well. She found herself leaning back, braced with her hands on the counter and her back arched as his mouth trailed down her neck and he worked his way across the tops of her breasts, licking, kissing, caressing. She was lost to his touch.

Everything became sound, sight and sensation. Breath became sparse as his mouth fell on the peak of a nipple and he sucked gently through the thin lacey fabric of her bra. Need and desire, touch and taste, everything spun around her and she found herself both completely focused and unable to focus.

His hands moved from caressing her sides to rest at her hips a moment before slowly sliding around to cup her ass and pull her tightly against him. She found herself no longer sitting, but supported by her legs around his hips, her arms around his neck and his strong capable hands holding her to him firmly.

Somehow, that kiss and their skin in contact was all she felt until he was shifting and she was lying back against the cushions on her couch. She had a moment to wonder how they had gotten there before he settled over her. He broke from their kiss and his teeth grazed across her neck again, making her forget that she had been thinking about anything. His mouth went to work in earnest on her flushed chest, kissing over her heart and reaching behind her arched back to unclasp her bra.

He didn't move the fabric and she found herself frustrated as he continued to lavish her with kisses everywhere but where she wanted him. He was murmuring to her as he moved across her skin. She didn't catch much of the muffled words against her heated flesh through the beating of her own heart, but she caught the tone. His words were full of unmistakable passion and unmasked affection as he lavished attention on her body.

He slowly made his way up to her mouth again, but hovered over her lips, breathing a moment as he looked at her with an expression she'd never seen. It was somewhere between pleasure and pain, but when he smile that devious grin, she only had a moment's notice before his fingers were dancing along her sides. The giggle burst from her as she wriggled trying to get away from his assault.

They had gone from heated kisses and caresses that made her want to get him closer to being tickled and trying to get him away from her to preserve her heart rate. She succeeded in rolling them off the couch and heard the thud as Castle's breath gushed out of him when they landed with her sprawled over his chest.

"What the hell, Castle?" she asked, chuckling, not sure if she should be angry or just confused as he smiled up at her and she returned the gesture.

He shrugged and grinned at her, "You were being too serious, really started to freak me out a little."

"Are you kidding me?" she laughed.

He smiled up at her, his hands moving in a soft pattern against her skin, one that elicited a shiver instead of a laugh and he gazed up at her, "Maybe I just wanted to see you smile."

She didn't have a response to that, so she sat up, straddling his hips and rocking gently against him. "There are other ways to make me smile." She teased as his eyes slid closed and he groaned. She used his momentary distraction to get her feet under herself as she shrugged out of the bra, tossing it at him as she stood up.

His eyes snapped open in surprise as he was struck across the cheek with the strap of lacy fabric. The surprise faded to an endearing slack-jawed expression as he spotted her and it seemed to take him a moment to register that her hand was outstretched to him.

Once she helped him off the floor, they stood there a moment and she was surprised by how oddly intimate it felt. It wasn't the fact that they were standing topless in the middle of her living room, but the way he had locked eyes with her as he carefully twined his fingers with hers, his eyes full of warmth and wonder.

She watched him swallow heavily and offer a soft smile, "Are you sure about this?" he asked, sounding slightly apprehensive. He didn't take his eyes off hers as he waited for a response.

She couldn't help but smile back at him and give his hand a gentle squeeze before leading him to walk with her as she responded, "There have been a lot of things between us that I'm not entirely sure about, like why you feel the need to sit in my chair," she smiled, lightening the mood he was projecting and watching him visibly relax, "but not this. Today Castle, tonight, I'm sure of." She glanced over her shoulder to give him a smile and could have sworn she saw an inexplicably sad expression pass over his features.

As they crossed into her room and better lighting she was certain it had been a figment of her imagination, because once she turned to face him he had a smile on that dazzled her and the kiss he leveled on her sent her mind spinning.

x.x.x

A/N: So, it's 4am and I have been up since 6 yesterday morning, disclaimer for this author's note, I'm tired.

Since I fully intend on exploring the rest of this scene in the next chapter I thought I'd share a random male anatomy venture into my brain: I really love the word cock, is that odd? Penis has always sounded like a word for guys with pocket protectors. Member makes me think of a club, AA, or the school board. I like the hard K sound inherent in cock, perhaps that's because cock should be hard, but I've never delved into it grammatically or psychologically. The only viable alternative for me personally is shaft, but it's not nearly as. . . um. . . satisfying a word. As a result you will never find a penis or a member in my stories. I don't find many female acquaintances that agree with me on word preference in that resort, but I think they are repressed. If you're offended by cock, I'm sorry, but I like it, so get used to it or skip the next chapter. ;)

Review that made my day: **ajksmusic**, I'm blushing here. That was, wow. It's crazy to hear that people are chatting about my little story. Carolina17 talked me into revisiting my twitter account for more than just vicariously stalking the daily adventures of others. You guys can find a link in my profile page, I'd love some people to talk season 3 with since everyone around me is crazy and waiting for DVD before they watch and it's KILLING me not being able to gush about what a great season we're having.

Thanks to everyone for reading.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter Eleven

Having felt her skin under his hands and his fingers, rising over her on the couch he had momentarily paused to take in her expression. She was slightly flushed, her face relaxed as he had never seen it, mouth slightly parted eyes barely open as she gazed up at him. In that moment, he knew this had to stop.

He had to do something to break the moment and get some distance. The line had already been pushed far enough that he wouldn't be able to go back, wouldn't be able to honor his promise of everything going back to normal if this went one kiss or caress further. With that thought he hatched a plan and grinned at her before he tickled her ribs, pleasantly surprised to find that the hardnosed detective was in fact ticklish.

The sound of her laughter, however, was almost as personally assaulting as the moaning she had done while he lavished kisses across her skin. It was a kind of music that could easily become his favorite song.

It didn't last long, he knew she was strong and shouldn't have been surprised to find himself suddenly lying on her hardwood floor with the wind knocked out of him.

"What the hell, Castle?" she asked, but it was with a lighthearted chuckle that sent his heart reeling with something more than passion. It was his new favorite song, after all.

He didn't have his full attention on their conversation, but realized that something he said a moment later impacted her as her eyes softened. Her smile rose more sincerely than the light humor of a moment before. When she rocked her hips against him with a sultry grin and said, "There are other ways to make me smile." he groaned.

His eyes seemed to close without his knowledge or consent and though he felt her shift against him he didn't pull them open until he felt fabric land across his face and her weight lifting off of him.

He opened his eyes to see her standing above him, completely bared from the waist up and he was slightly awestruck by the sight. After a moment he noticed her hand and accepted it to stand beside her. Once he had regained his footing, he found himself drawn to her eyes, he could get lost just looking at her and without thinking about it he turned his hand to lace his fingers with hers. It was a long moment before he fully registered the tender expression on her delicate features and he knew he had lost the battle.

Whatever this woman wanted from him, he would give her. He could deny her nothing, despite the way it could impact him later. The thought that perhaps this really was the start of something for them, not just an errant thought or irrational plan to have a 'free pass' from everything for tonight, flitted through and he became suddenly hopeful. That look on her face washed away the last trapping of his worry as he asked her if she was sure.

She led him towards her room by their joined hands as she answered his question, but hearing her finish the statement with words like "today" and "tonight" has sunk his hope and hardened his resolve to end this here and now. It wasn't until she glanced over her shoulder to smile at him that a new thought struck him.

By the time they were standing beside her bed her was grinning with new found purpose. If they were only to have one night, he was going to make sure that it was a night that she wouldn't' be able to forget. He was going to do everything in his power to mark her with vivid mental and emotional visions so that any time after when those parts of her body he had labeled as his were touched, she would not be able to think of anyone but him.

He wasn't as arrogant a man as Beckett teased him of being, but this he was sure of. With plan in mind, he put everything he had into kissing her until she was panting and breathless as he lowered her to the bed.

His hands and lips went to work learning every inch of her exposed skin while he catalogued every sound and movement she made to guide his return path. After working his way down and teasing his mouth along the top of her pajama pants, he started to slowly make his way back up her body. He was proud to have her squirming against him, anxious for more and growing increasingly impatient if her vocalization was anything to go by.

He was grinning against her skin, which broke the soft suction he had been applying where he had stopped at a nipple, but it allowed him a moment to graze the rigid flesh with the edges of his teeth. The motion provoked a tug on his hair where she had fisted her hand and a sound that seemed to be as much a moan of pleasure as growl of impatience.

He released her from his mouth and continued his exploration up, feeling triumphant in the success of his plan to swipe all thoughts of anyone else from her mind. It was with this new mindset that he found himself completely thrown off his game when his lips reached her shoulder. Her thighs clenched against his hips and she rocked against him, taking him by surprise and he suddenly found himself pinned beneath a beautifully flushed Beckett.

All thoughts of driving her to distraction escaped when she leaned in and released all the passion of that moment as she kissed him, pressing down into his body and setting a fire wherever her skin touched his. She hovered over him enough that he could feel the teased peaks of her breasts brush against his chest, sending thoughts racing from his head and causing his hands to reach out again.

He missed the contact of his hands on her hips, her sides, her back, when she pulled away from the kiss and started to tease him as he had done to her. For everything he had done intentionally to mark her, he knew he was marked by the movement and now she was killing him slowly with gentle kisses and caresses across his chest down to his stomach.

When she reached his pants, she repeated his motion along the last of his exposed skin above the hem. Her tongue flicked against his lower abdomen and she nuzzled against the little line of hair that extended from his navel to disappear into the fabric. She shifted again and he watched as she looked up at him. Their eyes met and she gave him a little smirk as her teeth grasped the fabric. Without taking her eyes off his, she tugged gently on the fabric, pulling the hook and eye fastener open.

His breath caught at the naked pleasure shining from her eyes at being able to do that without using her hands. Using her teeth and tongue she pulled one side over so she could reached the zipper with her tongue and flick it up to grasp it between her teeth as she grinned around the small piece of metal.

Her teeth on his zipper pulling down so slowly he could feel the release of each and every tooth of the zipper opening, shook him of his momentary enthrallment. While he was more than happy to have a little pressure relieved from the pants that he had never thought were particularly snug until tonight, he could see this quickly slipping out of control as her warm breath permeated his silk boxers. The heat of her so close, breath washing over him, eyes locked with his own seemed to sear him to the bone as it set him in motion.

Sitting up, he buried his hand in her hair as he guided her mouth away from dangerous territory and up to meet his for a hungry kiss. The action didn't seem to solve the problem as his control slipped further when she rose up and then straddle his hip, settling into his lap and winding her arms around him to pull them closer together.

"What's wrong, Rick?" she teased. "You don't want me to touch you?"

That classic teasing voice tinted with breathiness and a husky note was more than he could take and he knew he needed to try and turn the tables, throw her off her game or he'd be the only one significantly marked by this when she reduced him to a puddle in short order. "You _are_ touching me." He pointed out, trying for casual and almost making it there.

"Not what I meant and you know it." She said against his cheek as she lavished hot open mouthed kisses across the slight stubble of his jaw.

"Perhaps you should be more specific with your questions, Detective." He teased in response, gliding a hand down her back, finally coming to rest against one of her hips.

Her mouth made it to his ear where she gently took the lobe between her teeth, teasing it a moment with her tongue before she whispered, "You just want to hear me talk dirty."

Castle groaned, he was losing this round as well, "Tell me what you think I don't want you to touch."

Beckett chuckled slightly, releasing his ear and kissing just below it on his neck, "You don't want me," she broke off to lay a soft kiss against the underside of his jaw, "to touch your" Her next kiss was firm against his slightly parted lips, but she pulled away before he could respond. The glint in her eyes told him before she opened her mouth that she was messing with him, "penis." She said, obviously fighting a smile.

Despite his knowledge that she was messing with him, Castle couldn't stop a small cringe at the word. When Beckett let out a hearty laugh at his reaction, it confirmed his suspicion that she had in fact been playing him, "Is that the best you can do?" he challenged, laughing with her and wondering how he could find the sound of her laughing as soul scarring as the moans he had pulled from her moments before.

"Did I offend your sensitive writer sensibilities with poor word choice there, Castle?" she asked, mock innocence displayed in the slight pout of her lips and the doe-eyed look.

"I'm not offended, Kate." He tried to inflect his words with a more serious note, "I'm disappointed."

She laughed again and shoved playfully at his chest, but he simply rocked back and then forward into contact with her body again. "Let me guess." Beckett said, looking at him as if she were studying him like a suspect, "You prefer more flowery prose, something like 'rigid member'?" she asked, and her eyes danced with glee as he groaned again. "I know," she said, eyes twinkling, "You fancy it as your 'throbbing manhood'." She smirked when he rolled his eyes at her, but suddenly pulled back with a very serious look on her face, "I certainly hope your word of choice isn't dick, because that's my tax guy's name and it would just be awkward."

He laughed with her this time. He loved seeing this side of her, relaxed and joking. It didn't hurt that she was plastered against his chest half naked. He was enjoying her delve into the deviant world of deciding what to call that part of him.

"I got it." She responded after a long pause. The innocent smile was replaced with a slightly devilish one. The light of humor in her eyes became slightly smoky as she locked eyes with him again. "You don't want me to touch your," she paused, letting his mind wander until he felt hot breath against his ear again, followed quickly by her tongue sweeping the shell of the flesh there before she pulled back again to look him in the eyes, "Johnson."

He shivered, grabbing her shoulders and moving her back to look into her eyes again, "You knew that was going to get a picture of Officer Johnson from records in my head, didn't you?" The grin she gave him was sparkling with light humor and a mischievous glint. "No more." He said with a chuckle, as he leaned in to kiss the column of her neck, speaking between kisses and caresses, "I'm a little worried you'll break out with something that will completely kill the mood."

"What? Like pocket rocket?"

Her fingers where running through his hair as he moved along her collar bone and despite the lightness of the conversation, her breathing had increased. She rotated her hips against him slightly. Castle bit back a groan and resisted the urge to pull against her hips or rock with her.

Suddenly, she shifted her weight and leveraged him until he fell back against the bed with her over him, smiling. She continued to list slang terms as she helped him rid himself of his pants. He was so caught up in their laughing and teasing, he hardly noticed they had divested each other of the last scraps of clothing until he felt her slide up next to him, propped on an elbow with one of her legs over his and registered the skin contact. Her fingers had been touching him as they talked. His breath caught on a soft gasp as she reached that trail of soft hair his pants had prevented her from following earlier.

He was enthralled with her expression as he ran a hand along her back and she watched her fingers dance along his skin. She was touching him everywhere except what she was still teasingly trying to name.

"I think I've got it this time." She told him teasingly as she let a finger gently graze along the just the tip before continuing to run her fingers up and away.

He groaned, still watching her face, "I swear, if you say 'member' I'm going to scream."

"Not exactly how I planned to have you screaming tonight." With that she shifted and gave one firm stroke along the length of him before she pulled away again.

"I knew it." He said as her eyes rose to meet his, "I knew you'd be a tease."

They shared a smile, "You just have to tell me what you want me to do." She winked and he about lost his tightly held control, but managed to drag himself back, trying to enjoy this lighter side of her as long as possible. Without a response from him she shrugged, "I could guess." She mused, "You want me to touch you."

"You _are_ touching me." He reminded her again.

"Here." She said, both of their eyes dropping to watch her fingers lightly flitting along the length of him. "You want me" he was drawn to her again and their eyes met as she wrapped her fingers around him gently, "to touch your cock."

He watched the satisfied expression on her face as he felt the topic of conversation pulse against her grasp at the sound of such a wicked word rolling hotly off her lips. He could imagine that he wasn't hiding the effect of that word on him very well, so decided to go on the offensive. He grabbed her wrist, pulling her hand away from him and flipped them to pin her to the bed with the weight of his body.

She laughed at his sudden move and he leaned in to capture her mouth in a heated kiss before she could vocalize the taunt he saw forming on her lips. As her tongue crept out to meet his, the humor of a moment before was cleared away. Together, they got swept up in taste and touch, sight and sensation. Passion trumped humor and he wouldn't have been able to find words even if his mouth hadn't been otherwise engaged.

x.x.x

A/N: I was humored to read so many views on the word choice issue discussed in my previous author's note. You inspired their conversation for this chapter, including GhostWriterLost who supplied the gem 'throbbing manhood' which I had forgotten, but the phrasing always makes me laugh, so I had to throw it in here. Don't get me wrong, while I am a fan of the word cock, I'm not inclined to write these scenes in the same harsh tone as the word itself. I find writing this incredibly difficult. Not only is it hard to get the emotions and feelings in place for this particular situation, but trying to stay tasteful and not be too vulgar is a concern of mine. Hopefully I deviated enough into the other elements to keep this from reading like a letter to penthouse.

Still sick, some kind of respiratory issue that has me coughing so much I can't sleep. Lack of sleep is to blame for whatever the heck happened in this chapter. Production on this took about 4 ½ times longer than normal and I'm starting to get fed up with 'sick brain' hopefully it will be gone soon and we can get back to more frequent and coherent updates.

Review that made my day: **GhostWriterLost**, because you know these characters so well and I can always trust you to keep me in line or pick up on all the subtleties.

Thanks to everyone for reading.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter Twelve

Kate felt like they were both suffering from some kind of rapid onset disorder, like they were suddenly bipolar or had multiple personalities. One minute they were laughing and teasing each other, the next moment things got completely serious. Before they could venture to somewhere too serious, though, one of them would tease or tickle and they were back to just having fun again.

It was odd while also feeling completely right. Some actions or reactions could only be countered with dark smoky eyes and a sound she had yet to find a word for that rumbled darkly in Castle's chest. Other things called for light teasing and she found herself entirely comfortable with someone for the first time that she could remember. There was nothing about her that she would have tried to hide and nothing she wanted to keep from him.

A lot of that, she was certain, had to do with exactly how much fun she was having with him. She should have expected as much, from her experiences with him. A man who could make solving murders fun, had to be able to find the lighter side of any aspect in life. Still, it surprised her. Sure, sex was fun when it was done right, but this was more than that. This was a level of enjoyment of the moment that she didn't know how to quantify.

She was relishing teasing him and they were both enjoying themselves. It took that single expression of blind desire in his eyes right after her last 'guess' at his choice of term, to flip that switch onto full bore serious. She found herself pinned beneath him and for the first time since this all began, the chuckle she released sounded a little nervous as it rang through her head.

She had the sudden desire to run, just bolt and not look back. She knew it was ridiculous and not just because this was her apartment. She didn't know where it came from, but it was there as he settled against her and the teasing stopped. She opened her mouth to speak, but his lips against hers stopped the action. The contact was gentle, so tender it seemed he was using it to communicate everything to her, and she felt her doubts melting away again. Later she might wonder what exactly her problem was, but just then, all that existed was his body and hers, his fingers on her skin, their breaths filling the silence.

She relaxed, shifting her hips to get more comfortable beneath him and suddenly he pulled away from their kiss to look down at her. Something akin to surprise darkened his face in a way entirely different than the desire that had been there a moment before. Looking into his eyes, she couldn't help but note the tension in his features.

She knew from his expression he was probably having a similar debate to the one she had a moment before. He was thinking about running, too. Sometimes, she wondered, exactly how guarded they each needed to be. She was tired of it herself, and she could imagine he was getting pretty fed up, too. Her laughter this time, had nothing to do with nerves, as she realized that she would have been fine with this stopping if she were the one running scared. However, Castle giving her that look made her want to pull him back to the moment.

He looked at her with a small smile taking over his expression and an eyebrow cocked. She knew he was asking what she found funny, and that was something else she had always appreciated about them, the fact that they could communicate so much without saying anything at all.

"Rick." She intentionally used his first name in what she hoped was a low sexy voice. As she felt him tense slightly against her, she was certain that had been the right tone. With a caress up his arm and across his shoulder, she found the back of his head and pulled him back to her physically, hoping the mind would follow.

Slow, sensual kisses grew to a fever pitch before they finally broke away and she realized they had been rocking slowly against each other in a parody of what they both wanted to be doing. "Wait." He said against her lips a moment later as he pulled away from her lips, "Kate, do you have, uh, anything?"

She almost laughed at him again, but managed to keep a straight face. The man who writes steamy sex scenes and had just gotten excessively hard off her saying a single word, had trouble saying condom. Something about his expression kept her from laughing, though, and she cast her eyes towards the nightstand in silent answer to the question.

As her eyes focused on him again, she saw the tiny tick in his jaw that signaled he wasn't having a very pleasant thought. It took her only a moment to realize he must have been thinking about Josh and the likely reason she had need to keep them there in the first place. "That's surprising, Castle." She tried to distract him from the negative thoughts with a light tone and watched his face relax slightly. It was rewarding, even if it only relaxed into a questioning expression, "I figured you for the type to always be prepared." She teased.

Castle's eyes dropped away from hers, almost like he was ashamed and she wondered if this was really the appropriate time to tease him about his numerous sexual liaisons. She didn't even really want to think about them, so having brought it up, she was instantly regretful. As she got lost in the instinct of flight again, she felt herself pulled back by his lips on her neck and his softly spoken words as he worked his way over her body with his hands and moist kisses.

"I know you think I'm _that_ guy, Kate, but if you really thought about it you'd realize how wrong you are." He had kissed his way down to her chest and his head lifted so his eyes could meet with hers, "I haven't since Gina." He bowed his head and brought his lips back to her again. "I don't find much appealing about meaninglessness anymore."

She felt her heart beating heavily in her chest as her breathing increased slightly, but she was certain it was more from what he implied in his words than the actions of his mouth on her skin. "What's changed?" she could have kicked herself for the kneejerk question, but damned if she didn't want to know so bad that she ached to hear him say it.

She felt her nipple contract more tightly as he sighed, his warm breath actually cold against the moist flesh he had just started to lavish his attention on. "Everything." He finally responded after a long pause. It seemed that would be his last word on the subject as the hand he had been using to caress her body finally settled, applying a steady pressure, but not seeking or exploring and she rocked her hips for more contact.

"Why?" she finally managed and while she was nearly completely distracted by his touch, she somehow found that part of her brain that didn't want to let this go.

She heard the long exhale of breath as he seemed to steady himself before he moved back up to lay next to her. He didn't move that hand, however and as he looked into her eyes he continued to torture her with a single talented finger moving in small circles so lightly it was impossible on some passes to know if she had actually imagined his touch.

"I think I used to be a completely different person." He swallowed and she was surprised by his somewhat casual tone as he looked at her with some kind of inner turmoil while his finger caressed her so purposely. It was a strange contradiction that had her completely off guard. "Sometimes, I look back and wonder who that arrogant ass was that thought he was invincible and nothing would ever touch him."

"You're still arrogant." She pointed out teasingly. His response to her comment was to increase the pressure enough to silence her on a breathy, "Oh."

"These past few years with you, I've seen so much, done so much and felt more than I thought possible." His pace picked up slightly as he brought his other hand up to gently trail his fingers across her cheek. One hand moved tenderly, casually caressing her cheek and the other circled steadily and with purpose. She had the sudden thought that he must be good at patting his head while he rubbed his belly. This would have made her laugh, but she was occupied with other sounds at that moment.

"I don't know when it happened, but somewhere along the lines I decided I wanted to be a better person." He smiled at her wryly, "It's not a thought that was new to me, I've felt like I wanted to be a better person before, but nothing came of it but just 'wanting' it." She wished he would stop talking, because she was having a hard time paying attention to his words while he was driving her mad and she was certain they were important. "Being a part of something bigger than myself, finally made it all click. Having you count on me in situations where you should have a real trained partner, being accepted on my own merit and not because of fame and fortune. It all made me realize that I wanted to be someone that can be counted on, someone that deserved your respect."

His eyes hadn't escaped hers for longer than the space of a blink as he spoke and she fought to stay in control, hear him out. He simply smiled at her, not cocky, not arrogant, just sweet and that sparkle had swept the seriousness from his eyes as he spoke softly, "Let go."

She couldn't break eye contact as she tensed a moment before sound washed away, and her focus narrowed. Sensation at the forefront as pleasure rippled through her, vision narrowed to his eyes gazing at her and that smile that wasn't as smugly satisfied as she assumed it would be in this moment with him.

It took her a moment to regain her senses as warmth settled on her and her breathing caught in the surprise of him being able to just swipe all the control away with two simple words.

"God, you're beautiful." He said, suddenly reverent as he leaned down and kissed her. It was long and slow giving her plenty of time to regain her senses and for her heart and breathing to settle from the roaring they had been doing together. He pulled away from the kiss with a low moan as she reached out to trace his length tentatively. "About that question earlier?" he asked with a slightly nervous chuckle.

"Drawer." She said with a gesture towards that end table. "But I'm on the"

He cut her off with his mouth on hers, rolling over her and slipping his tongue in to tease hers for a moment before he pulled away to smile down at her. "Pill or no, I don't go without. You know there's more than babies to worry about, Detective."

She laughed lightly at the thought of getting a sex education lesson from Castle, and she gave him a playful jab in the ribs, "From the guy who married his first wife because he got her pregnant."

"Hey," he responded with mock indignation, "I'll have you know we took precautions, they aren't foolproof."

Kate ran her hands along his back as she lifted to meet him for a brief kiss. "That's why the pill and condoms." She pointed out as she lay back. "One's to prevent turning into you, the other is because I don't trust anybody, ever."

He was looking down at her with an oddly puzzled expression for a moment, a small crinkle appearing between his eyes and she wanted to reach up and soothed it away. She smiled as she realized that she could do that now and moved a hand to his face. As she soothed the line away realization seemed to dawn, "But you said," he stopped as if thinking about something that was startling and not really believing what conclusions his mind was drawing. "You trust me." He finally said.

It was a statement, but it was said with such wonder that she had to respond if for no other reason than to reassure him, "Always."

That single word seemed to release whatever he had been holding back as he kissed her with that passion she hadn't felt from his kiss since the last one they shared before he laid her across her bed what seemed a million years ago. As much as she could lose herself in kissing him, Castle was starting to frustrate her with his lack of action. She brought her leg up until it rested firmly against his hip as she planted her hands firmly and she had them flipped so she straddled him with very little effort.

The surprise only lasted a moment before his hands were on her hips as she sat up to rock against him, feeling him fully against her. He actually whimpered at the motion and she had to rock her hips again just to be sure that was what he heard from him. Sure enough, there was that whimper again, but it turned into a quiet gasp as she leaned back over him, her mouth so close he only had to tilt his chin up to meet her.

She brought her hands to her hips, lightly grasping his wrists to pull his hands away from her body. She twined her fingers with the digits on each of his hands as she relished the feeling of being so close with him. Hovering over him, she felt the position of their bodies and rocked her hips just slightly, using the angle and friction to position him. Their eyes locked and he felt his hands gently squeeze hers, a motion she took as encouragement.

As she shifted back and felt him slide into her, sinking fully onto him in one long slow stroke, her breath caught on a sudden realization. They had finally made it to the place she had been unwilling to acknowledge they were headed all along.

Neither of them moved for a long moment, as if both were in a state of shock, eyes locked and speaking a million thoughts without saying a word. She leaned into him and caught his lips again, but when she pulled back, he followed her until he was sitting up with her wrapped around him. The feel of his chest against hers and the steady rocking he initiated would have been soothing if it weren't for the fact that there was a fire burning in his eyes that contradicted their gentle movements.

She suddenly found herself being lowered backwards as he followed her down and continued his assault on her senses, hips moving in a careful rhythm as he shifted to rain kisses on her neck and shoulders. Kate flipped them before they could get too carried away as she felt her throat burning, a sure sign she was going to do something ridiculous like start crying in the middle of having sex.

But that was the problem she was having. This wasn't having sex. She'd done that enough to know exactly how that went. This was something entirely more frightening than just having sex. This was making love and she couldn't remember a time when she had ever felt so cherished or had someone look at her the way Castle did in that moment. His gaze held reverence, awe and something deeper that he still seemed to be fighting to hide.

Despite the fact that the shift in position had been her attempt to distance herself from the emotions of the moment, she couldn't think her way out of the motion and her hips rocked in the same gentle rhythm he had started. Her back arched as an invitation and his hands moved to caress her body over him.

She wasn't normally one for slow and easy. She was more for fast and dirty, but something about that look in his eyes kept that side of her at bay, the side that looked to sex as a release and an escape. She wasn't trying to escape anything in this moment, but instead trying to catalogue every kiss and caress, the way he breathed, the sound, the endearments, his hands on her hips and the way he told her she was beautiful.

Her orgasm surprised her. Not that she hadn't been expecting it, perhaps not so soon at this pace, but more the intensity of it that shook her. She gasped out his name, not even sure if it was his first or last, but the look in his eyes told her that he liked the sound. It was the last thing she saw as she threw her head back and let herself go to the sensations pulsing through her body.

She didn't know which way was up and which was down and at one point she thought the world had actually turned on its side. As she called out his name and he groaned from the increased pressure, but fought to keep his control.

She was starting to hate that damn control he had in this moment. The man could control himself enough not to grab and touch evidence, but here, with her, this seemed to be exactly what he was saving all that control for.

As she let out a long sigh she felt his hands on her hips, tilting them back slightly as he rocked up to meet her. A moment later she was sprawled on her back, not entirely sure how she had gotten there, but she ran her leg up his until it rested against his hip where his hand came around to steady it in place. The friction so soon after peaking caused her to let out a breathy moan, but he swallowed it as he stilled to kiss her.

The new angle, the kiss, and her moan seemed to combine as if they were the signal gun to release them from their achingly slow pace. She wasn't able to focus on any one thing as his pace quickened and he seemed to set about single-mindedly on a mission to destroy every coherent thought in her head.

The covers ended up on the floor, pillows pushed off soon after as they playfully fought for the dominant position. Skin slick with perspiration, they moved seamlessly together. Somehow, she realized, they had found themselves near the foot of the bed. She felt his rhythm hitch slightly and she knew he was close, but he still had his hands tightly on the reins of his control and he was fighting it.

She pulled his mouth back to hers, both too breathless for much of a kiss at that point he was soon pulling back to look down at her, his rhythm faltering just a bit more. At least that was her thought before she registered that as he gazed into her eyes he had almost instantly taken up their initial slow pace. After nearly pulling the walls down around them, this slow steady motion where she could feel every inch of him, was an entirely new level of pleasure. She noted the tightness around his eyes and the slight tick in his jaw that told her clearly he was thinking too hard and he needed to just feel.

"Let go." She whispered, parroting his words from earlier.

She watched a moment of surprise pass over and sweep away the look of concentration, but it was gone in an instant. The wicked grin that took its place should have been distressing, but as he shifted up to have space to reach between them, she couldn't find a worry in the world. "You first." He told her.

Always the gentleman, he waited for her. She had just felt the first waves of release hit and she found him buried in her and still as he claimed her mouth in a heated kiss before pulling away to look into her eyes as he said her name. He didn't yell it through the room, it was whispered from so near and yet she had to strain to hear it that first time. The expression on his face and the way he said, "Kate." Possessive, passionate, affectionate and tender as his body finally still caused that tightness to pull back into her throat.

Fortunately, he buried his face in her shoulder a moment later to gather his breath as she felt the tears well in her eyes and worked hard to fight them. It had never been like that before. She had never felt so much from any intimate moment with a man and she had to admit, she probably wasted a lot of time not acting on her feelings long before now.

The mood was killed quickly when Castle finally shifted to smile down at her and the smile instantly fell off his face. "Kate?" he asked tentatively, "Did I?"

She shook her head, unwilling to let him take the blame for her overworked emotions. "No, it's not you."

He shifted away to lie beside her, but it was as if he wasn't sure what to do with himself. She could feel him looking at her, but she couldn't turn her head, because it was a desperate balancing act to keep those tears from falling. She finally gave up and rolled into his side, head against his chest as she settled against him. One of the tears managed to sneak out and landed against his skin, but she didn't reach to brush it away.

She didn't know what to say, didn't know how to tell him all that was going through her mind and everything that she wanted to say, so was grateful when he wrapped his arms around her and just held her, murmuring quietly to her as if soothing a small child. She smiled into his chest as her eyes closed to the sound of his heart beating under her ear.

x.x.x

A/N: Sorry this is late, but it got really long last night and I had to go to bed at 12:30am so I could get up at 6:30am and it wasn't done. At least it's a long chapter as a bonus for being late.

Folks hanging with me on Twitter had a heads up yesterday that this was delayed. Check out the link on my profile if you want notice when I'm going to miss a deadline (self-imposed and flexible as they are).

Sorry, got so caught up in posting this I forgot to put this in- Review that made my day: **daphnebeauty,** for agreeing with Castle's plan to 'sex the heel out of her'. I liked your word choice there.

To **GhostWriterLost,** on your observation, I actually looked at the word 'hard' in the author's note for a long time, looked at it hard and thought, I should change that to difficult, but then just said "Nah."

Thanks to everyone for reading.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter Thirteen

As he lay with Kate curled around him, Castle couldn't help but wonder if she could possibly go back to anyone else after what they had just shared. Even thinking about it, as her breathing evened out, he was speechless with wonder.

There were a couple of points where he lost himself completely in the moment. He was more than a little concerned that those pieces of himself he had lost to her tonight he'd never get back again. As he ran a soothing hand across her back, he felt her relax into his side and knew she had fallen asleep, but it was the last thing he thought he'd be able to do just then.

Not only had she stolen his heart long ago, she had just wiped the slate completely clear of anyone that came before her or was likely to come after. He knew that without her in his life he would probably die a lonely old man for want of another who could bring out what they had just shared. It had been full of that positive humor that drove their partnership, the passion that pulled them so strongly towards the things they put their minds to, and a certain tenderness he hadn't thought either would be capable of in this situation.

He'd had a lot of fantasies about what their first time together might entail. As a writer, he was pretty good at working the story in his head and sometimes while he lay in bed, rode to a crime scene or watched her do paperwork he'd flesh out a new idea.

In his mind, he'd had her in so many ways, so many places.

On her desk, late at night, quick and mostly clothed with a thrill of the potential to get caught. In the locker room, panting and breathless they would claim an empty shower and use the water to cover their sounds, suppressing their moans and cries against each other's skin out of necessity due to their location. In the back of the van during a stake out, pushing the keyboard aside to prop her against the tabletop and neither considering exactly how their actions might look from outside as the van rocked with them. A dozen or more places in her apartment and his. Every fantasy was rich with sensual imagery, various positions as space allowed, and a frenzied pace like they were both frantic to finally reach the finish line after waiting so long to start the race.

Nothing he imagined had prepared him for reality.

In his fantasies she was wild and uninhibited, demanding and forceful. While in reality she had been all those things in some small measure, they were peripheral to something more than he could ever have imagined. She was soft and sweet, funny, silly and a couple of times she turned eyes on him with the faintest hint of shyness that his heart melted. She was everything he had imagined she would be and so much more.

Knowing exactly what they could be to each other was like a double-edged knife in his heart. On one hand, this intimate knowledge of her was the most amazing glimpse into another person that he had ever been privileged to witness. On the other hand, lying here with her afterwards, having witnessed her quiet tears of shame at what they had done was crushing. Not just for his heart that had been trampled enough in the past day, but also for his hopes that were spurred to full bloom through their movements, the sounds she made, the way she looked at him.

He could have sworn he saw genuine affection in her eyes throughout the night, but now he just felt cold, wounded and confused.

Castle's chest felt constricted as he realized that despite the fact that she was cuddling against him and allowing him to comfort her, she was thinking of someone else as she did it. She was probably worried she had ruined her relationship with Josh with impulsive actions tonight and seeing tears in her eyes confirmed that while she would always have his heart, hers was already taken.

Pain was not usually a feeling he experienced after sex. He realized that was the problem as he lay there with her sleeping against him. They hadn't been having sex. He was almost certain he could have handled that. Not this. Not the way they had made love like they were the only two people in the universe, like there was no tomorrow, and perhaps that's what had made it so amazing.

Perhaps that was what had made her so easygoing and carefree. The knowledge that this was a onetime thing and there really was no tomorrow. It was a single moment of emotional expression and he should have felt blessed to experience that moment with her. Instead he just felt deflated.

She had burned him with her touch as much as the look in her eyes as they moved together. Despite his best efforts to be the one imprinting himself on her, as much as he hoped that this would convince her that they belonged together, her tears had made him bury all those hopes back where he had pulled them from and for the second time that day he found himself feeling completely lost and utterly alone, despite the fact that he was lying with her cuddled against his side.

He thought perhaps he should wake her, tell her how he felt, ask her to give them a chance, beg her to consider what tonight could mean for the both of them, but his throat felt tight and his breathing too labored to warrant speech. He couldn't take it if he had to see her tearful eyes looking into his again. It made his stomach tight with knots to see that kind of emotional vulnerability in her and the knowledge that he was the one responsible for it made him feel a little sick.

Kissing her had been impulsive and selfish. Touching her had been a mistake. All of it had led them somewhere they probably never should have gone because now all he could think about was how much he never wanted to stop touching her, holding her. How he'd like to wake up every morning with her curled around him like she was in this moment.

So, selfishly, or perhaps nobly, depending on how he looked at it, he kept his mouth shut and simply enjoyed her company as she slept. He couldn't handle having any kind of fight with her just then. He was worried he'd stop breathing if she needed a break from him and asked him not to shadow her because he was clingy or because she trusted him to honor his word and he was reneging. At the same time, he wondered if he'd be able to breathe around her after this. How he was supposed to control himself when the urge to reach out and touch her hand or her face hit him as they often did. Knowing what she felt like would make all of the more difficult to resist.

Thinking about touching her brought back a sudden memory of her skin under his hands as she rocked with him. He knew he was a scarred man as the thought alone hurt, but he couldn't stop the moment from playing out in his head as he relived the feeling of her wrapped around him, hands caressing his skin as she sheathed him in a moist heat. He thought about how in that moment with her it hadn't been about how she made him feel. It hadn't been about how hot she was, how wet and tight and the way she moved her hips in a slight circle that had driven him crazy. No, in that moment he hadn't been able to savor all the things that threatened his control, because it had all been about her.

He had wanted her for so long and he almost wished that he had taken her the way he had always imagined instead of with the single-minded focus on her. His attention to detail was going to be the death of him. Even just minutes after they settled and she fell asleep, the events were playing again in his head like tiny mocking snapshots of a life he would love to have with her and never would.

The images of their time together should have been blurred by frantic activity, but instead their slow careful act of making love had allowed every minute to burn into him and through him. Gentle kisses and caresses, slow building heat and hearing his name echo in his ears. The mewling sound she made as he felt her stomach muscles tighten against his own a moment before she gasped, "Castle." in quiet surprise as her body convulsed in pleasure and clamped down on him begging for him to follow. That first time he felt her lose herself in her pleasure around him, her body pulsing in a delicious rhythm around his cock, he should have been focused on the feel of being buried in her while she clamped down on him in the throes of passion. Instead, he couldn't tear his eyes away from her face as she flushed and moaned out his name again.

There was something about the way she said his name that almost sent him over with her. He found it odd to consider now that it wasn't the physical pleasure of her contracting around him, but her voice calling him "Castle." in a tone that he would never get out of his head, that had almost pulled the tether on his control. Somehow he had managed to hang onto it, though.

His tired mind let that memory play out, but as it continued, somehow the memory shifted into one of his fantasies and suddenly he realized just how screwed up he really was from all of this. In place of the heat and passion of his normal fantasies, was the look in her eyes, the sound of her voice, the flush of her skin, and the slow gentle sway of her hips. In place of fantasy images of her body hot against his and frantic, almost frenzied, were memories of her body as he sat with her wrapped around him, swaying slowly together.

He hoped he would get the old fantasies back soon, because he preferred the impersonal nature of those to the jarring heartache of reliving the way she looked into his eyes the first time she let go under his fingers. It was thinking about that moment that brought everything full circle.

He had spilled his heart out to her, not once but twice in the last couple of hours and she hadn't said a single word in response. His throat felt suddenly tight, his mouth dry, his heart pulsed and his eyes began to burn so he squeezed them shut. Realization hit.

There had been something in her expression that he hadn't seen before, something that he wasn't able to pinpoint lurking behind the general feelings in that moment. With a suddenly sick feeling he finally thought he understood. It had to have been pity she was hiding from him in that moment.

He felt like an idiot. He had made love to her and she had let him out of pity. Perhaps she thought she was being a good friend letting him 'get it out of his system' or something, but he just felt angry and more than a little betrayed.

It was a while of beating himself up and reliving the night with his newfound mindset that Castle finally carefully extricated himself from Kate's bed. He grabbed the comforter they had kicked to the floor and shook it gently before draping it over her. She cuddled into the blanket, as he gently stroked her cheek. Her eyes didn't open as she nuzzled against the hand on her skin and mumbled.

He didn't think he could be any more heart broken than he had been a moment ago, but her sleepy voice, quiet as it was, echoed through the room and his empty broken heart. "I love you."

She hadn't opened her eyes, probably still in a sleep state and he knew in that moment that the words weren't meant for him, in her semi-consciousness she probably thought his hand was Josh's as she spoke. He didn't move as she burrowed a little further into the pillow he had placed under her head when he had disentangled himself from her.

He couldn't stop his eyes from trying to soak her in, knowing he wouldn't see this side of her again, but soon he couldn't see her anyway. She had relaxed back into sleep a moment before, but he couldn't watch her sleep through the moisture blurring his vision. With a heavy heart he leaned over and gently pressed his lips to her temple.

"I love you, too." He whispered against her skin before he forced himself to stand and turn away from her. He managed to keep the tears at bay until he somehow made it home to his bed that seemed to mock him with its similarities to his heart.

It, too, was cold and empty.

x.x.x

A/N: I know you're all going to hate me for this, and I am already braced for it. I would say I'm sorry, but this is where we've been heading all along. As much as you're probably upset with me about it, I'm glad to have finally gotten here and looking forward to where we're headed from this point, not just because it's going to be nice to finally be out of the bedroom.

Also, some of you are concerned about Josh, and yeah, even I think it would be weird for Beckett to go there with Castle while still with Josh. However, in the interest of my plot we'll just have to work together to remember that she knew it was over and despite the fact that she hadn't told him yet, it was a certainty to her, so what's a day more or less.

Sorry I missed my normal Friday update. My sis and I finally finished Season two and it was almost 11 at night when she made me scour the internet to find Season 3 episode 1 streaming. The stream was not the best quality, so if anyone has a better suggestion for streaming season 3, so she doesn't have to wait until I buy the DVDs in the fall, I would appreciate the info.

Review that made my day: **SkySmoke**, Your words were very encouraging. As the writer I can look at the page after I've finished and think, "Wow, what a load of crap." Then I post it to find that you and everyone else seem to miss all the little things that bothered me about it and find parts to love. It gives me a great sense of accomplishment.

Thanks to everyone for reading.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter Fourteen

When Beckett woke, she didn't open her eyes at first. She lay in the darkness of her eyelids for a long moment as she tried to replay and remember the previous night with some kind of rational distance. As she recalled the complete emotional abandon, she couldn't help but push away the side of her that was asking her to look at this with a clear head in the light of day.

She experienced a moment of quiet contentment and felt a sense of right and peace that the little voice in her head seemed to be trying to pull her out of. She ignored the inner voice, pushed it away as she slipped her tongue out to trace her lips. Kate could have sworn she could still taste him on her. The thought brought a silly little smile to her face as she realized that she was actually able to taste him first hand, instead of the ghost of him on her lips.

She cracked her eyes open against the morning sun she knew would be streaming through her bedroom curtains that hadn't been closed the previous night. Her eyes immediately landed on the clock beside her bed as she registered that despite their late night, she was still up only a little after seven.

She found it odd to wake up without him wrapped around her. As touchy feely as he tended to be, she was certain he would be inclined to cuddle, even in his sleep. Perhaps he was more of a solitary sleeper or liked to have his own space, or maybe he had just rolled away, the man couldn't stand still, perhaps that problem followed him into sleep as well.

She wanted to turn into his warmth, the comfort of his arms and decided to seek him out, not only for the contact. She so rarely had an opportunity to observe him unguarded and being able to turn the tables a little and just take in his expression as he slept was appealing to her. Careful, so as not to wake him, she rolled over to face him and found the other side of the bed empty.

Momentarily confused, her eyes fell on the expanse of bed beside her and the carefully arranged pillow. Beckett reached out a hand as if not completely trusting her eyes and felt only cool sheets. If he had been there beside her, he hadn't been there in a while.

She couldn't figure it out. She had fallen asleep in his arms; she vaguely remembered the way he so carefully moved her to lie against her pillow and the warmth that enveloped her a moment later. She had reveled in the feeling of his fingers tracing her skin.

The confusion didn't last long before she was smiling again as she remembered another night from a time so different, when he had risen surprisingly early and she came out to find him in her kitchen. He had been standing over her stove looking adorably rumpled with a seriously appealing case of bed head making pancakes, coffee already ready to go. Perhaps, she could finally tell him how he had looked.

She wondered if she knew then what she knows now about how things could be between her and Castle, if she would have been able to keep from demanding he join her in her room instead of threatening him if he came anywhere near it. The thought brought back delicious imagery from the night before and she couldn't seem to quell the urge to smile.

Beckett stretched, feeling the muscles in her body stretching and releasing the tension that had formed from the prior night's activities. Her muscles weren't sore, but they had a sort of heavy feeling to them that was another reminder of all that had transpired the night before. As she relaxed back into the bed she felt a sense of calm that she hadn't experienced in so long. Despite the state of comfort she was in, lying in the warmth of her bed with pleasant thoughts running through her head, she got up.

The thoughts in her head were memories, but outside her door was the real thing and she wanted to explore their new freedom by seeking him out. This time she wouldn't be hesitant about slipping into the kitchen with him, maybe wrapping her arms around him from behind as he finished breakfast, or interrupting the process entirely to drag him back in here for round two.

She threw on a pair of underwear and a long shirt, not concerned about him seeing her legs or any other part of her. After the night they had, she was fairly certain he would be seeing a lot more of her and modesty was not something she was particularly inclined to as she went in search of him.

Kate was puzzled when she made a quick sweep of her apartment and found it empty. She let her eyes fall over every tabletop and counter, looking for a note, something to explain why he had disappeared. Thinking about the state of her refrigerator, Kate was convinced that he must have gone out to grab something. Not a patient person, she moved to the kitchen and started the coffee pot.

It was after eight in the morning before she actually let herself believe that he hadn't just stepped out for breakfast. It was almost nine when she convinced herself that he had left with no intention of spending the morning with her, snuck out in the night. By nine thirty she was out of the state of shock and hurt and fully immersed in her anger.

She wasn't just angry with him for leaving, she couldn't be. She had known all along. That voice in her head that she shushed the night before and this morning, the one that had warned her he wasn't looking for anything more than to add her to the long list of women he had taken to bed, mocked her.

Kate found herself curled back up in her bed, blankets wrapped around her but not warming her, with the faint hint of his scent on the sheets mocking her. She was pissed when the first tear fell from her eyes, because she shouldn't be crying over him.

She shouldn't have let him affect her the way he had. She shouldn't have let him get close enough to hurt her. She shouldn't have blindly accepted that the way she felt was reflected. She shouldn't have accepted his words at face value. A man who made things up for a living could spin a fine tale and his words from the night before rang in her head.

He hadn't wanted forever with her. He had been clear that he wanted one night that they could both forget. He had repeated it more than once and still she foolishly let herself believe that there was something else there. That there was more to it than one night, something they could build on going forward. She hated herself for getting so caught up in the moment that she forgot that he was a rich and successful playboy and what was she? Who was she to think that she even stood a chance of being anything more to him than a friend and partner? Well, she was now. She could add successful conquest to the definition of their relationship.

She wanted to hate him, but she just hated herself. She couldn't entirely fault him for seeing an opportunity slipping away and taking advantage of it. She had offered. She had been the forceful one, the instigator, and he had gone along willingly. What had she expected him to do when she so blatantly threw herself at him? She knew he wasn't the type to turn down something he wanted; she knew the opposite was true.

Giving him the chance to take her to bed after having denied him so often was like waving bacon in front of a starving person. Hell, yes, they are going to take it, but that didn't mean that it's all they would want to have for the rest of their lives. They would still have a cheeseburger or waffles or deep fried Twinkies.

She wanted to hate him, though. She wanted to pin it all on him because he was the one who was single, he was the one who had pushed, he was the one who had crawled under her skin and inserted himself so deeply into her mind and heart that she couldn't walk away. He could, though. She tried to hold onto that thought. The thought of him walking away from her. It allowed her to finally shift the focus of her anger outwards and she felt slightly more relieved in that knowledge.

She might have been the one who fell for him, knowing he was unattainable, but he was the one who walked away. They could have been so good together, they had been so good together, and he walked away from it like every other relationship in his life. He couldn't make it work with her for longer than a few hours before the need to flee grabbed him up and dragged him out.

She knew he wasn't the type to settle down, not again. She had heard him make jokes for as long as she knew him about the special kind of hell that settling down and being married was. She had known his taste in women didn't include those who were particularly bright and leaned more towards someone who would faun all over him instead of hold their own in any situation. She had known for a long time she wasn't his type and seen all the signs that pointed towards the likelihood of waking along after a night with him.

She had never expected that she would fall into that trap, snared fully and that his leaving would cut her so deeply, would solidify every thought she had about not being good enough for him. Kate Beckett was not a fan of one night stands. She didn't give her body to just anybody, the right to share that with her had to be earned and she was suddenly pissed that she had fallen victim to kind words and sad eyes.

Castle had given her those puppy dog eyes a million times before and she didn't cave, but suddenly as her life was being thrown into turmoil with her boyfriend and his charm finally worked on her. She couldn't deny that she had a special place in her heart for the man; he had been more to her than anyone before. He had been her partner and friend long after the point when most people would have quit. Not only that, he had helped to shape her through the last couple of years, helped to make her more than what she had been before, helped her see more good in life instead of just the greys and shadows she had wandered through before him.

She had let herself get caught up in the nostalgia of that impact and she must have imprinted romantic feelings where they shouldn't have been. He was a great partner, a wonderful friend. She could go to him with anything, but she wondered how that would change now. She actually wished she could call him to help her puzzle out this new dilemma in her life and then she almost laughed.

To hell with that. She was an amazing person and if he wanted to piss that away on juvenile flights of fancy, to Hell with him, too.

Just because he was more interested in gallivanting around town with bimbettes half his age and a quarter of her IQ, didn't mean that there was anything wrong with her. She was lovable. She was smart, funny and attractive, something that most guys appreciated about her. She was worth risking everything with and she deserved more than to be some roll in the hay to anyone.

Her eyes fell on something across the room and she peeled back the covers to get out and go fetch it. With shaking hands she returned to the bed and for the first time since the night she had been given it, she found herself opening the little jewelry box and looking at the ring nestled inside.

Where before the ring had inspired so many negative thoughts and feelings, looking at it now, feeling the velvet of the box against her fingers, she was comforted.

x.x.x

A/N: I got my first death threat, so I must be in the big time now. Don't worry, it was lighthearted and joking so you don't have to worry about her actually offing me before I can finish this story.

Review that made my day: Everyone who recognized the characters from our favorite show in the actions and reactions last chapter. You guys are amazing. Not only do you understand, but you're intuitive and observant.

Thanks to everyone for reading.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter Fifteen

Castle had arrived home a little after three in the morning and climbed into bed, but wasn't surprised when he hadn't been able to sleep. Throwing the covers off, dejectedly, he padded out to the living room and stared out the window for a long time. He allowed his mind to wander as his unseeing gaze moved over the New York skyline, twinkling in the night. He felt his palms itching the more he thought about his night with her and moved away from the window.

He'd spent the rest of the early morning hours in his study writing things that would never end up in a book and thinking over the situation from every angle he could manage, trying to figure out how badly he had screwed everything up. No matter how he looked at the situation, no matter what positive thoughts swirled in his head, his mind always came back to the sight of tears in her eyes. He'd never seen her look so small and vulnerable as she had in that moment. Regret, shame, maybe even guilt burning him with those tears and he felt the weight of it bearing down on him for his hand in causing her that pain.

Looking at the clock on his laptop and noting that it was after eight, he wondered if she was still sleeping or if she was awake. He wondered what she was thinking as she woke, wondered if she would be angry with him for last night, or just blame herself for betraying the man in her life. A small selfish part of him hoped she was so upset over the entire thing that she told Josh and that ended things before they could move forward.

Consciously he wanted to slap himself for the thought, because he didn't want her to think of their time as a burden. He knew that she did, but that didn't stop him from hoping she'd be able to look at some part of it positively, perhaps in time. He didn't want to think of her distraught or upset with herself, he'd almost rather she was pissed off at him than have her tuck in on herself. After all, he was the one who had pushed her. He was the one who couldn't accept things the way they were. He was the selfish one.

By midmorning, he was confused, exhausted and more than a little damaged.

Staring at the blinking cursor on his computer, he fell asleep against his desk. Castle woke a couple hours later from a vivid dream, painfully hard with her name on his lips. With a groan he headed for a cold shower, wondering exactly how much money he was bound to save on hot water while he worked through the night they had shared.

He forced himself from the shower to bed, but it was a long time before he finally fell asleep. His dreams were torture and before he'd gotten more than two hours, he was up again looking for something, anything, that he could do to distract himself. He couldn't write, that would all too easily invoke things he didn't want to think about right now. He couldn't watch a movie, because he knew he lacked the attention span for even a slapstick comedy.

He casually wandered into his study and found his trusty friend in an old leather-bound collection of short stories by Edgar Allan Poe. Nothing snared his focus as well as the lyrical prose of an insightful or macabre tale told by a master. Twenty minutes later he was slamming the book closed with a disgruntled sigh.

Castle had been less than thrilled as he tried to read through the works of Poe and continued to be distracted by thoughts of her. Thoughts of the past, thoughts of the night before, how they'd first met, what she was doing just then. At one point he even found himself wondering if she was thinking about him at all and then laughing it off as ridiculous.

By late afternoon he'd decided that he had enough of moping around the house trying to figure out another person, especially one as complicated and guarded as Kate Beckett. He'd had enough stress and strain and angst for a lifetime and it had been less than a day.

He decided that instead of worrying about what was going to happen when he walked into the precinct on Monday, he was going to do something. It was time to stop focusing on last night and start putting this day behind him. With the only reliable distraction he has ever known in his life fresh in his mind, he made a single phone call.

Castle was awash in negative thoughts still, ones that twisted his gut and made him feel just a bit nauseous, but he was feeling better than he had in the last day and a half. His feet were moving before he had even gotten off the phone as he headed to his room to pack a bag.

Twenty minutes later he was on the road and for the first time since Kate fell asleep against him with tears in her eyes, he felt himself smiling. It wasn't the most dazzling smile, he wasn't over her, he probably never would be, but destination set in the GPS and he was already feeling a little of the weight rising off his shoulders. Sometimes, there was nothing like getting out of the city.

Mind full of anticipation, feeling the unrestricted freedom of hitting the open road and allowing his subconscious to puzzle things out as he drove, gave his conscious mind time to enjoy the music playing through the car speakers. He was glad for the it as he sang along softly and allowed his focus to finally shift to something other than overanalyzing and agonizing about what Monday might bring.

Unlike the previous night when he acted without a plan on the whims of a single thought of living in the moment, this time, he was determined to make living in the moment a wholly positive memory by doing something that wouldn't haunt him later.

x.x.x

As Kate curled up in her bed that night, she found her mind drawn back to their time together. Not for the first time, she cursed her experiences as a detective that had honed her attention to detail and ability to mentally catalogue. She had been tormented nearly all day and for the life of her, she couldn't stop wondering if there was something really there.

She cursed her naivety every time that thought popped into her head. If Castle had meant any of the words he'd said then he wouldn't have run scared because of what she said. If he had meant those things he would have embraced it.

She knew she wasn't blameless. She knew there was something going on beneath the surface that she couldn't puzzle out, but above all, she knew that she had scared him off. She felt like a fool as the realization had hit her around ten that morning. The reason she had been so pissed at him and so easily jumped to the conclusion that he hadn't wanted more with her. He probably thought that he did, probably thought that there was something else there and damn, the chemistry they had almost burned the building down. But in the cold cruel light of revelations, he had balked.

The way he spoke she had felt confident laying herself out there with him, of course it had taken their time together and a nearly catatonic partial sleep state to induce it, but she had a very clear recollection of waking up. She didn't open her eyes, worried what she might find if she did, but she knew he was there, from the subtle sounds of him breathing, the brush of gentle fingers across the skin of her cheek.

She had followed him into the rabbit hole and it ended like a bad episode of Bugs Bunny. Following a rabbit into a hole was a sure sign that something was about to blow up in her face, but she had ignored the voice in her head and allowed her heart to take the wheel. She had told him how she felt, used those three words she hadn't even said to Josh who was freaking asking her to marry him. She had said it and it was finally out there. She remembered feeling suddenly at peace with the knowledge being vocalized and the feeling of his fingers against her cheek had lulled her back to sleep.

He hadn't reciprocated, but from the way he talked earlier in the night, she had a pretty good idea that they were on the same page. That was until she woke up to find herself alone, woke up to find that despite his words and her own, he had fled in the night like a bandit. It was as if her vocalizing it had made things real and he suddenly realized that he doesn't do real. He does fake. Fake smile, fake words, fake boobs on his next conquest.

She almost screamed as she realized what had happened. He was like a damn child. He was so enamored with the idea of her she was like a new bike. He had to have the new bike, the exact one that he wanted even though it was another kid's bike. Probably because it was another kid's bike. Some kind of natural male competitive spirit, but that wasn't enough. Because just like a child, once he got the other kid's toy or treat or bike or whatever the hell her analogy was, he didn't want it anymore. The reality set in. Things looked different on the other side. She was different on the other side.

Where before he had probably seen her through rose colored glass, suddenly she was human, probably less than, she was 'his' he'd had her and that was it. Once the novelty had worn off she was discarded like that bike in the back of the house getting rained on until the chain rusted and the seat tore from the changes in temperature and humidity. She was surprised how quickly the novelty that was her had worn away, but perhaps it was all the time they had spent together.

She had finally found logic in what had seemed so illogical this morning. She was still upset, still certain that it had been a mistake, but finally able to look at it as one night that showed her how things could be, how they were supposed to be. With new perspective the ring box went back onto the dresser and she stared at the picture of her parents atop her jewelry box.

By midmorning she had calmed considerably, but the occasional flash of memory from the previous night had her flushing with desire all over again and then hating the effect even thoughts of him had on her. She was pulled from a particularly vivid recollection of how he had felt against her as his hand rubbed her in a way that had sent tingles through her body from her toes to her scalp, by a call from Josh. He had been calling to remind her that they had plans for brunch, but she pushed it back to lunch claiming she wasn't feeling well and spent the rest of the morning trying to make sure she didn't look like she had been so thoroughly screwed and screwed over the previous night and this morning.

She was tempted to bring the ring, but fought the urge to act impulsively on her emotions, because acting on impulse is what had gotten her so riled up and confused in the first place. She had a long couple of hours to really think things through and while she was still conflicted, she hadn't let herself forget the way Josh's proposal had initially made her feel, though she was examining that perspective as well. That examination needed to stay in the privacy of her thoughts until she was able to get a little more unbiased perspective.

She headed out of her apartment, glad to be meeting him at a diner down the road a ways. She had cleaned up and changed the sheets, but she still felt Castle's presence in her apartment and didn't want or need Josh in that space at the moment. She also didn't think she could handle being in his apartment at the moment and what he might expect of her that she wasn't willing to give while she felt so emotionally raw.

He was already at a table when she arrived and he rose to meet her. She turned her head at the last second and his greeting kiss landed on her cheek instead. She wasn't sure why she had done it, but grabbed hold of her earlier excuse, "Sorry, don't want to get you sick."

He smiled at her, "Yeah, probably be pretty awful to show up there to help heal the sick only to infect them."

Kate nodded, actually glad to hear that his proposal hadn't changed his plans for the weeks to come. She felt selfish for being glad that he was leaving, but she didn't think she'd be able to deal with having him around until she could get her thoughts straightened out.

The waiter arrived and took their drink orders, leaving them to decide on lunch as he retrieved their beverages.

She watched Josh's eyes fall to her left hand and then meet hers again. She knew before he spoke what he was going to say and fought to keep a pleasant expression on her face.

"Haven't decided to wear the ring yet?" he asked, sounding casual, but she knew him too well to buy the tone.

"About that," she started, a small reassuring smile on her face as she fought to formulate all her thoughts into a single coherent statement.

Before she could say anything, he was cutting right through her with that charming smile of his, "Don't worry about it, Kate." That damn smile was the first thing she had noticed about him and it really was breathtaking, but she found herself thinking of another man's smile, one that was more full of mischief and accompanied by a teasing glint in the eyes, "We can talk about all of this when I get back."

Suddenly, she felt the weight of everything that had gone so terribly wrong over the last day, the way everything had been derailed and the feelings of loss and regret swarmed to new heights. "No," she said finally, "We can talk about it now."

She shook off her thoughts about her lunch with Josh as Castle floated through her mind again and she gave up on sleeping in her own bed. She grabbed her comforter and pillow and headed out to the living room where, eventually, the nothing that was on TV lulled her to sleep.

x.x.x

A/N: Sorry, for the super long delay and the Very Long author's note, feel free to skip it at any point. Wow, there were a lot of negative reviews for last chapter. That being said, I don't mind negative reviews as long as they are story based, have some kind of constructive criticism, or make me laugh. Geez, you'd think I killed one of them off or put Kate on a plane with Josh to Vegas. Some of my favorite reviews since I started posting here have not been positive reviews, because I can grow from them, but something that's just mean is not helping me grow as an author and just shakes my faith in writing the next chapter.

I found it difficult to stay motivated, which is new for me. My husband convinced me that I shouldn't quit and post a final chapter of: "A jet suddenly flew over the city, dropping a hydrogen bomb and obliterating them all into radioactive dust. The End."

You can also thank the messages and reviews I got that told me not to let the negativity get to me, because without them I probably would have. Thank you; you know who you all are. I'm not going to apologize for the last two chapters or anything in this one or even what's coming down the road, and I'm going to keep trying to get the plot out of my head and on the paper, even if I'm a little more gun shy about it now.

There are always options for readers if this is upsetting them:

1) Stop reading, either entirely or until it's finished so you can skip ahead to the parts you want to read.

2) Consider chapter 12 the end and forget about reading the rest.

3) Write your own ending starting from whatever chapter you think I screwed this story over in.

4) Sit back and enjoy the ride because I'm not crazy or cruel and we'll get there.

I hope everyone goes with option 4, but I'll leave it up to each of you. This is posted under Angst, not rainbows and butterflies in case anyone was confused. It is going exactly how I thought it would. It's actually going better, because I had very little faith in my ability to write a story without a villain and a crime and this chap puts me over 40,000 words, so not bad.

The main point that bothered me was the repeated references to either of the last two chapters being out of character, so to that point I say "Are we watching the same show?" If anyone needs a detailed breakdown on the inner workings of their psyches in this particular situation, or doesn't understand what each of them is thinking, feel free to message me and I'd be happy to discuss it with you in more detail.

Spoiler for those who are so freaked out you can't just wait a little while (don't read if you don't want to be spoiled on my story, though anyone who has read my stories knows where I stand on Castle and Beckett): Kate's not going to marry Josh. Oh, who is shocked by that? Raise your hands. Anybody?

Sorry to have rambled like crazy, I'm not being bitchy, but I'm just so frustrated to have seen my creative energy completely squelched. It was a shock, let me tell you, I haven't sat down to write and not produced a chapter since I started in September unless I was sick. Future nastiness will be ignored and we'll not have this talk again, because it's a waste of all of our time. I won't even delete the anonymous ones, that's how little time I'll be putting into caring about negativity that's not constructive.

Review that made my day: **daphnebeauty**, who did it the right way and cursed me with an eternity of Justin Beiber's Baby Baby Baby stuck in my head. It took me two days of listening to my favorite songs from 10 years ago to flush that 'gem' out of there, but I laughed like crazy reading your review.

Thanks to everyone for reading.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter Sixteen

Castle felt the heat wafting out of the house as the door opened and he was gestured into the vacation home by the woman who had answered. "Hi Monica, sorry to intrude on your weekend." He said, feeling a little ridiculous now that he was standing in the woman's home.

He was greeted with a warm smile, "Don't be ridiculous, Rick, we're happy to have you. Alexis said you were working this weekend and couldn't make it."

Castle returned the smile, actually feeling it more than faking it at the woman's kind greeting and subtle reminder that he had been invited. She must have noticed the sheepishness in him. "I decided there were more important things in life than sitting at my laptop and staring at the screen, but not actually writing anything."

She smiled at his joke, "Not that we're glad you couldn't write, but it's good to have you. Alexis and Paige are in the kitchen making Cocoa." She gestured towards one side of the long entryway, "Can I take your jacket?"

When he walked into the kitchen, he was surprised to find himself swept up in a fierce hug from his daughter, "I'm glad you came, Dad."

"Whoa, what's this all about?" he was curious at the intensity of her affectionate display.

Alexis pulled back to give him a scolding look, "Nothing." She responded and turned back to the kitchen counter. "Want some cocoa?"

He grinned, loving this feeling of being in the presence of his daughter that always seemed to have a calming effect on him, "You know it." He responded taking up a spot beside her to throw some marshmallows into the cup she scooted his way.

Paige leaned forward to peak around Alexis, "Hey, Mr. Castle."

"Hi, Paige." He responded, bringing his cup to his lips and sipping before he realized exactly how hot the drink was. He recovered from the sting by slowly pulling cool air in his mouth and over his tongue, "You two having a good time?"

Both girls started talking, finishing each other's sentences as they filled him in on all he missed in the last day. It was nice to enjoy time with such infectious good moods and soon they were settling in the living room with Paige's parents.

"We were going to nerd out on some Lord of the Rings." Alexis explained as they settled onto the couch. Paige's parents were already comfortable on the love seat and Castle took the corner of the couch so Alexis could sit next to her friend.

"Sounds perfect." He responded, taking a careful sip of his cocoa and settling more comfortably into the couch. After the obligatory small talk, Paige finally started the movie.

It was a comforting relief. Something he hadn't been expecting, so much as hoping for. The mere proximity of his daughter was comforting. The cocoa was delicious; the movie was effectively distracting with the side commentary of everyone watching. He felt himself relaxing and his focus was almost entirely on this room, this experience, these people, though having Paige's parents cuddling casually in his peripheral vision occasionally had him aching for that same kind of simple intimacy. Occasionally had him losing his focus and drifting off to thoughts that shouldn't be in his head.

Sure, he was smart enough to realize that he wanted that, the connection, the simplicity, the proximity and intimacy. He wanted that with Kate, but he hadn't let his mind trap him into actually fantasizing about it until this moment. Until now he had been careful to thwart such romantic visions and focus on the visceral, the passionate, the act of making her his. Until he heard those words out of her mouth, he had been able to sway that errant part of his brain, but not anymore. Having heard 'I love you', even knowing it was for someone else, opened the floodgate and he couldn't force it closed. He couldn't tear his mind away from the thoughts as the images formed in his brain. He couldn't sweep away domestic visions with sexual ones, not after those words burned through him.

He was surprised to wake up sometime later, his neck stiff as he lifted his head off the back of the couch. The TV was muted on the movie menu with music filling the room. The loveseat was empty, Alexis and Paige were no longer sitting beside him, but a glance to his right found them across from each other at the dining table through a large archway. They were playing cards and laughing, but obviously keeping their voices low, probably in deference to him sleeping.

He sat there for a long moment, simply observing them as the haunting lyrics of the slow ballad played through speakers in the other room. Each word seemed to lash out and strike at his tightly reined control and cut deep into the parts of him that he was working so hard to keep at bay. He tried to focus on the joy he saw in his daughter's face as she swiped a small pile of M&Ms from the middle of the table. She had obviously won the hand.

But that damn song. It was playing through and the chorus returned, dragging him back out of his focus again and shifting him back to thoughts of Kate instead, thoughts he'd rather have slept through.

Alexis turned then and caught his eyes, making him immediately try his best to mask the thoughts and forcing himself into a smile as he faked a stretch. He saw she wasn't buying his shift in expression, but she turned back to the game as if allowing him time to pull himself together. He knew her and he knew he was in for a thorough interrogation, but not in front of her friend. She was tenacious and veracious and a number of other 'acious' adjectives, but she was also understanding and considerate. Wise beyond her years, she would let him have his time and privacy while she waited for the right time.

Feeling a more genuine smile as he thought about how amazing his girl was, he finally made an effort to walk over to them. Pulling out a chair, Castle grabbed the bag of M&Ms next to Alexis and poured some in front of him. The girls just smiled and Paige instantly dealt him into the next hand.

"Ladies," he began and he could see Alexis preparing to roll her eyes if he gave them a lecture on gambling or chocolate or how late it was, "Think we could switch to something a little less country chick and a little more suitable for your newest player?"

He saw the flash in Alexis as if she was stowing away some bit of information for that interrogation he was likely to face, but he didn't care, because she immediately reached for her iPod. As soon as it was off the dock, the ballad stopped and it only took her a moment to sift through to another folder of music. "Better?" she asked as she re-docked the player and rock music filtered into the room.

It was still at a low volume, but the guitars and thrumming bass line were comforting after the haunting acoustic guitar melody and eerily apt lyrics that had assaulted his consciousness on waking.

The night continued with light conversation and plenty of giggling from the two girls. At one point the trash talking had reached epic proportions and Alexis gave him a smug smile, "Yeah, you think you're hot stuff here, but I bet I'll stomp you on the slopes tomorrow."

"Oh, little girl, you don't know who you're messing with." He retorted automatically, lobbing an M&M at her that she barely had to move in order to catch in her mouth.

"I think you're a little cocky for a man your age." She told him with a smug smile and he couldn't do anything but grin right back at her. He wasn't actually sure he could beat her anymore.

"I think you're in over your head this time, Mr. Castle." Paige chimed in. He wasn't surprised that she would back her friend, but sent her a mock disapproving glare.

He and Alexis had always been competitive. From the moment she was old enough to compete, around age five, she wouldn't let him get away with letting her win. She had demanded that he put in his full effort and called him on it if he didn't. He was older, but most of what they did together had been as new to him as to her, ice skating, skiing, fencing, tennis, and so many other things.

She had started legitimately beating him in their endeavors a couple years ago, well when she was eight on the ice skating, but everything else had taken her a lot longer to master. She had yet to beat him in skiing, but he hadn't been to the mountain once that season so she had a couple of months on his rusty old skills. Even without that advantage, he had barely been able to win the previous year, so he was fairly certain she would finally best him at the last thing on their list.

Perhaps they would be able to start a new list, maybe it wasn't too late to take up other activities. Even the thought, however, brought into focus that she would be graduating before he knew it and off to college and to live her life. He wasn't looking forward to the day when he wouldn't get to come home and find her there, wouldn't be the ear she turned to when she needed a listener or the person she came to for advice.

He shook off the negative thoughts and focused on his daughter again, unwilling to let this one drop. "You're on."

There was a flurry of activity as they continued to trash talk while they cleaned up the mess of their poker game, none too surprised to see they didn't need to 'clean up' any of the chocolates because they had been finished off as everything was returned to its rightful place.

"I took your stuff into the guest room while you were sleeping." Alexis informed him, gesturing in the general direction of the room he had stayed in last time they had all taken a trip up here. "Should have everything you need in there."

Another tight hug that he felt filling his heart with what had been swiped out of it this weekend, and Alexis trailed after her friend to the other side of the house with a parting wave.

The night passed as the previous had. Difficulty falling asleep had him up for several hours after he lay down. He finally drifted off, but would have given anything to wake up after his dream started.

Unlike the night before where visions of Kate assaulted him with carnal intensity, these dreams had him quaking awake at a little after eight in the morning. Visions of her stayed fresh in his mind and he had his phone in hand, ready to hit send on her speed dial number before he even realized what he was doing.

He had a need to hear her voice that tore through him, but he cleared the entry and stared at the screen of his phone for a long moment. His mind revisited the images from his dream and he would have traded this heightened sense of fear and loss for the raging hardness that had greeted him the previous day. Dreams of her touching, caressing, tasting and teasing him were far less impactful than watching her die in front of him when there was nothing he could do about it.

The haunting vision of her pale and still, blood pooling from her chest as she fought to take a final breath gave him a nearly overwhelming desire to hear her voice and confirm she was indeed ok. But he talked himself down, knowing on a Sunday morning she was likely to be with her boyfriend and that would be awkward. Damn, he almost didn't care about awkward as he stared at the phone and the sound of blood gurgling in her throat as she tried to speak filtered through his mind.

Before he could talk himself back into calling her, there was a knock at the door and Alexis let him know breakfast was ready whenever he wanted to get out of bed.

Rumpled pajamas and messy hair, he headed out to join the others where he took some heat from Alexis who was already dressed and ready to go.

"Is this you conceding to my challenge, Dad, because it kind of looks like you're going to try and pull some excuse as to why you're not fit for a race today." The twinkle in her eye that usually portrayed her good humor was not there and he realized he was obviously giving off some kind of negative vibes, because she was faking it for him.

With a smile he thanked Monica for the waffles and winked at Alexis, "You just want me to forfeit because you're scared."

Castle was glad for light conversation and the simple joys in life as they finished breakfast. The only time he was alone with his thoughts was while he dressed and he went through the effort quickly before he could get bogged back down. He wanted nothing more than to get back to the healing powers of his daughter's presence, even though he knew he'd faced heavy gloating from the teen as soon as they hit the slopes and she wiped the floor with him.

He was surprised how few people were out skiing considering the weather and fresh snow, but he wasn't going to complain. That meant fewer witnesses to him getting stomped by his teenage daughter.

After a practice run on his borrowed skis, Alexis looped her arm through his and they rode the lift back to the top. This was her chance and she pounced on it as soon as they started up the slope, "What's going on with you, Dad?"

He wanted to tell her nothing, don't worry, it's no big deal, but he didn't lie to his daughter. He also didn't want to tell her the truth, because she was his daughter and there were just things that one didn't discuss with their own children. He decided, after a long silence where her curious look turned into a serious stare, that the truth, but only a part of it, would be the best course of action.

"Josh proposed." He heard Alexis gasp softly next to him.

"When?" she asked and then waved her hand as if telling him to disregard the question. "Is that why you disappeared yesterday?"

Castle couldn't do anything but nod as he tore his gaze away from her to take in the scenic view of the mountains as the lift continued to move them along higher.

"She didn't say yes." Alexis said and he thought it was a question, but she didn't say it as if she were asking a question, merely making an observation.

Castle shrugged, "She took the ring, doesn't that mean something?"

It was Alexis' turn to shrug and avoid his gaze as she thought up some explanation. Suddenly, her eyes were back on him, taking in his expression as if looking straight through him, "You slept with her." She finally said. He knew she was fishing, but he must have given something away because she punched him in the arm. "You slept with her and then came here? What are you doing here instead of in New York with her?"

Castle swallowed around the lump in his throat, "She didn't want me to stay. She wanted one night that we would forget about after it was over so she could go back to Josh."

Alexis was giving him a confused look that suddenly turned stone anger and pierced him, "Whose words were those? Who wanted to forget this?"

"She did. Her words." He said as he thought about her finally coming out of her bedroom, her comments in the living room later, a small part of his brain latched onto the point that he had actually been the first to suggest it, but it was off hand, not serious.

Alexis was shaking her head, "I don't believe it." She finally said, as she tugged on his arm and he realized they were almost to the top. "She wouldn't, she couldn't," his daughter seemed lost for words as they disembarked and stood on their skis at the top, looking down the two trails, but not moving to start their little race.

"She did." Castle responded and gestured for them to pick between the beginner and intermediate courses in front of them.

Alexis pointed to the intermediate course, but didn't move to begin, "Then she didn't take the ring. Detective Beckett wouldn't do something like that. She wouldn't dishonor a commitment like that. She wouldn't and you know it."

"I saw the ring, Alexis." He was getting frustrated now, because he didn't want to think about this anymore.

"Where?" she asked, but he just raised an eyebrow, because he didn't understand the question. "Where was the ring? Was it on her hand?"

Castle shook his head, "No."

Alexis smiled at him, "Then she didn't accept it."

Castle frowned at her, wanting to believe her so badly, "She doesn't really wear flashy jewelry, especially not to work."

Alexis was frowning again with her hands on her hips, "So it was on the necklace with her Mom's ring?" she asked finally, but Castle had enough of this line of questioning.

He didn't want to think about the damn ring, he wanted to graciously lose to his daughter in a race down the mountain, feel the cold wind bite at his face and later warm up around a fire with some more hot cocoa. "Ready? Set."

He waited, and it took longer than normal for her to glare at him for changing the subject before she finally said, "Go." and they began down the hill.

To his surprise, and possibly entirely to do with his larger body mass, an advantage he could easily lose to her skills, he pulled out ahead of her quickly. The winding of the intermediate trail provided her the opportunity to almost catch him, but then it turned into another straightaway and he pulled a little further ahead.

Not surprisingly, his daughter's words came back to him and the sudden realization of what it meant. Alexis was right. If she had accepted the ring, it would have been on her finger or on her necklace, not shoved in her drawer to be forgotten or ignored. .

The cold wind whipped his face as he continued down the mountain with her hot on his trail. He suddenly wondered if he had royally screwed the pooch with his abrupt departure after she fell asleep. Had she actually wanted him there? Had he actually read her eyes correctly as she rocked with him and she wanted him as much as he wanted her?

He almost stood out of his crouch as a sudden thought struck him. Had she actually meant those words for him? The shock of that thought jolted him and he felt himself twitch as if slapped hard across the face. The movement was tiny, but from his nearly upright position, it set off a chain reaction that had him fighting to keep control of himself.

He wobbled precariously as he watched a turn in the trail approaching fast. With a quick move he crouched back into position and leaned into the turn, realizing at the last second that he wasn't going to make it and trying to position his skis for a stop.

The sudden move slowed him, but he watched in horror as he hit a little bunny hill along the edge of the trail that separated the clearing from a patch of trees.

He felt himself start to tumble and dropped his poles to cover his head a moment before he felt the impact of his body against the snow and then something far more solid than the white powder and he knew he hadn't been able to avoid the trees.

He couldn't even tell what hurt from the shock racing through him everything felt numb and on fire at the same time. He heard Alexis' voice panicked as she called his name. Then another sound permeated the fog in his head and he was jarred to realize it was laughter.

He wondered who was so inconsiderate that they would think it funny to watch someone plow through the snow into a tree. It took him a moment to realize the laughter was his own, though he still wondered what could possibly be funny.

x.x.x

A/N: Wow, that chapter got long and some things happened that even I didn't see coming. Weird, but I'll roll with it because that's what I do. It's 2am and I have to get up for work in 4 hours. Whoops, stupid never ending chapter.

So, you guys don't all have to be nice to me because I got bitchy last chapter, I still want to know if you honestly have issue with something or are frustrated or upset. Though, I'm really not complaining about your insightful and amazing words.

Some of you were worried about your Ch. 14 review and I can say you weren't the problem. I don't know how many people got to the anonymous venom before I deleted it, but basically I was just trying to avoid personal attacks like being called a crazy, heartless, stupid bitch who wouldn't know Kate's personality if it bit me in the ass. I'm crazy, but only for my husband. My alcoholic Ex is the only one who actually believes I'm heartless. I'm no Brennan, but I'm definitely not stupid. The bitch part I embrace, it's a badge of honor in my family. So, long rambling author's note short, don't judge me, judge the work or just keep it to yourself.

Don't worry, the death threats were in good humor from my official Twitter stalker and I know she's just being silly. If I didn't message you to ask if there was anything constructive you wanted to add or you didn't say the above in an anonymous review, then don't change your personality because I was not talking about you in the last author's note. I said before, well thought out reviews, good or bad can be better than just a general 'Good Job', because they help make future chapters better.

Reviews that made my day: **Anonymous Sue**, who gave me a great idea for an upcoming chapter in a couple of weeks. **BeautyOfTheDarkKLM **and **SkySmoke**, for childhood references that took me back, Mojo Jojo and Alexander and the Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day (respectively). **BellaPaige**, for the NCIS reference, I have wanted to Gibbs slap both of them several times throughout the years. **DeBo81**, who, in a roundabout way, said my relationship with my husband is unrealistic because we never fight and everything is always great, made me smile. **whimorawhy**, thanks for the cookie, chocolate chip is my favorite. **daphnebeauty**, you are hilarious. I loved the top ten, cracked me up and made me want some bacon. **Scully223**, because it's nice to find others who loved Countdown. It's about the journey.

Thanks to everyone for reading.


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter Sixteen

The rest of her weekend passed in a blur of trying to stay active and avoiding any kind of conversation with Lanie who would make her dredge up all the things she was effectively burying. Kate woke on Sunday feeling almost in control of her thoughts. If someone had told her a few days ago that Castle would have permeated her mind to the point of being perpetually distracting, she would have told that person they were a lunatic. But she had spent the rest of Saturday unable to do anything to stop herself from thinking about him.

Waking up on Sunday, she was glad to not have any expectations of finding him in her house, though her diminished expectations were still a form of thinking about him and she had to squash that. It was easily swept away as she went about getting ready to start her day. Throwing on her running clothes, she headed out of her apartment.

The chill air felt good against her face as she did a couple of quick stretches before setting a steady pace. She heard the sound of her feet on the sidewalk blend with the ever-present traffic noise of the city and together with the steady motion it washed the thoughts straight out of her head. Steady breathing, heart beating, feet moving, these were the things that made up her morning jog and she enjoyed the ability to clear away all her thoughts in a simple activity.

Her run had almost doubled of its own accord as she found herself unable to stop once she made the loop around her neighborhood. She let her anxious feet continue to drive her down another path, the one she took when she had less time in the morning. The second loop was shorter and by the time she got back to her apartment she felt thoroughly exhausted, but still restless.

She stripped and slipped into the shower, pulling the curtain around and feeling her legs wobble slightly from the exertion. She probably should have taken a bath, but the last thing she wanted was to sit still for too long.

Before she knew it, the afternoon had arrived and she was walking out of her apartment on her way to pick up Josh.

She didn't know how she felt about much of anything this weekend, surprised to have had everything turned so thoroughly on its head. Shocked at how quickly everything made sense and, at the same time, nothing did. She did know that she was an honorable person, Friday's actions excluded, and she would honor her commitment to Josh regardless of the situation or what had happened between them the day before at lunch.

When she got to Josh's apartment building, he was already waiting outside and gestured for her to pop the locks before tossing his bag in the back seat and sliding into the passenger side. "Thanks again, Kate."

She reached over and took his hand in hers, giving it a quick squeeze, "It's not a problem. You know that." She responded.

His fingers tightened around hers slightly for a brief moment before he released her and she was back to driving with both hands on the wheel. "What happened to your hands?" she asked, having noticed the slight swelling and redness around his knuckles.

Josh chuckled, but it sounded hallow and she knew before he spoke that he was going to say something either only half true or an all-out lie. "Packing mishap." He responded, but turned his gaze out the window on his side as he folded his hands together in his lap.

She was fairly certain that if she were to go into his apartment she'd find some evidence of the damage his fists did to whatever wall he had punched. It was a stupid and juvenile expression of anger and frustration, doubly so because of how valuable his hands were as tools of his trade, but she couldn't say that she blamed him for the reaction.

The rest of the trip was made in near silence, neither seemed willing to talk, but it wasn't gloomy and for that she was grateful. She didn't think she could take it if they started talking about certain things and was glad for the peace that sharing the car with the soft music the only sound aside from traffic and the blare of car horns.

The drive was over too quickly and not quickly enough as Kate found a parking spot and headed inside with him. Josh's bag was slung over his shoulder, seemingly casually, but she could feel the tension radiating off of him despite his calm exterior. She pulled him into a hug and as he tentatively returned the gesture she felt the tension ease in him just slightly.

"Be careful." She whispered before releasing him and taking a step back.

Josh's smile was mixed with excitement and apprehension, "I always am." He responded as he dug in the side pocket off his bag and pulled out his ticket. "I'm not sure how long I'll be gone."

Kate gave him a curious look, before she nodded in confirmation that she understood. He had been certain it would be less than three weeks, just long enough to help set up a surgical team, and now it was open ended. Her heart ached a little at the thought. "I'm serious." She finally told him, reaching for his hand again, "Be careful over there, it's not like other places."

Josh gave her a kind, if slightly condescending, smile, "I've been half a dozen times in the past several years, I'll be fine." He waved with the hand holding his boarding pass and before she could say anything else he had turned away and started through the throngs of people gathered for departure or arrival. She watched until his tall figure disappeared from view and then turned with a sigh and headed back towards her car. She felt a Remy's cheeseburger calling her and almost smiled at the ridiculousness of going there on her day off when she already ate there entirely too often thanks to working so close.

She ate alone at the counter and went home to her empty apartment that still felt like it held the ghost of someone else. Haunting memories she had almost successfully ignored all day. With a groan of annoyance and frustration, she put on a movie and curled into the couch determined to waste away the rest of her day in mindless distraction.

It was past dinner time when the movie got over, but she was still full from her late lunch and feeling more than a little run down from fighting her own thoughts all day. Trying to keep her mind from filling with thoughts or worries, she turned everything off and straightened up her living room. Almost on auto-pilot she grabbed a book and scooped up her pillow and blanket that were still on the couch as she headed in to bed.

It was still early for bed, but not too early and she knew she could easily spend a couple of hours reading before sleep finally took her. She got ready for bed on auto-pilot and was settled under the covers, leaned against her pillows when she grabbed her book. Suddenly, hiding from the thoughts that had been trying to plague her all day wasn't possible any more.

She growled in frustration as she tossed the book on her nightstand and lay back in the bed staring at the ceiling. She shouldn't have turned herself on auto pilot, because if she were thinking at all she would have grabbed any other writer's book or no book at all. Because now she felt her eyes drifting to the night stand and her fingers itching to flip the book over and look at his picture on the jacket.

Forcing her gaze past the book she watched the clock change over. It wasn't even nine and she wondered, not for the first time, if she should just call him. Just so that the first time they spoke after whatever Friday was to each of them wasn't in the middle of the bullpen with a dozen witnesses.

His name in large letters along the spine of the book drew her eyes and that familiar worry that had been with her all weekend crept back into her mind. How bad had she screwed up letting things get so far out of hand on Friday? She wondered if things would ever be like they had been before, whether they could still work together without something getting in the way. She couldn't even look at his name on the cover of his book without feeling a slight flush of desire and a memory of their night together followed by a momentary flash of anger at his immediate dismissal. She was worried about how she'd do face to face.

Beckett couldn't help but wonder if her control would suffer when she found herself in close proximity to him again. Castle could be grating and irritating on a normal day, but would it get to her more while she was already harboring some issues of frustration and disappointment towards him? She knew herself well enough to know that even under the most dire of circumstances, she almost never failed in her ability to lock it down, stomp it away, and not let it impact her job. She didn't know how successful that method would be considering the personality type she was going to be dealing with.

On a good day the man could get under her skin and drive her bonkers. Somewhere in the back of her mind she reminded herself that on a bad day he was always there, willing and ready to do whatever she needed him to do. "Including nothing, if that's what you need." Memory of the sincerity in his voice in that moment came over her like a wave of realization and she wondered if she had been looking at this whole thing wrong.

She shook her head to clear the thoughts, because he hadn't been that person this weekend. He hadn't been her partner or friend or someone she could rely on. He had been a man, one that took what he wanted and left without a word.

She never would have expected that from him, not from the man who had been her partner, her shoulder at time, surprisingly her rock more often than she cared to admit. But she couldn't shake the thoughts. The detective in her couldn't stop trying to puzzle this one out, because whether she wanted to admit it or not, the motive behind his leaving was a mystery to her. The motive of any action was always instrumental in determining why a decision was made and despite how she spun it, nothing made sense.

She allowed herself to reflect on that and for the first time since waking on Saturday morning she let herself really think through what happened instead of pushing the thoughts away. It didn't seem to help, because she always ended in the same place. She told him how she felt and he ran. Would he always run? Some traitorous part of her brain spoke up and she couldn't help but mull that over a moment before pushing the thought away.

It was a fantasy, all of it. They were two different worlds and it was miracle enough that they could work together without killing each other, anything more would be tempting fate. The sooner she got that clear in her head the better off she'd be. Still she was bothered by the question, one simple question. She had almost called him a dozen or more times in the past two days just to ask him that one question, but something in her stopped her every time. She knew that if she didn't just get it over with, they would probably be in the middle of the squad room or at some crime scene and she wouldn't be able to stop herself from blurting it out. One word that could undo both of them in the middle of a scene, "Why?"

Finally having talked herself into doing something she had been trying to talk herself out of for two days, Kate noted that it was still before nine and not too late to call. She was barely nervous this time as she dialed and she considered the new evidence that discussing things tonight would let them clear the air so that tomorrow wouldn't be awkward.

Once the call connected and began to ring, she almost hung up and then felt a flush of heat to her face. She wasn't some love struck kid, she was a grown woman and she didn't need to be so worked up over having a conversation with a man she had been talking to almost every day for years.

When his phone was answered, however, she was momentarily taken aback. "Oh, hey, Alexis. Did you have a good trip?"

"It was alright, I suppose. Dad came up yesterday and we're staying over again tonight. Probably won't get back to the city until late tomorrow at the earliest."

Beckett was confused, both by the girl's words and by the tone she was using. It sounded strained or troubled, but she could have sworn there was a layer of anger or frustration in there. She shook off the thought; she had made enough assumptions in the past couple of days and didn't need to be jumping to any more conclusions, at least until she had answers on the issues she was already dealing with. "Don't you have school tomorrow?" she finally asked, feeling that was the easiest way to get at the issue because Alexis didn't miss class for anything frivolous.

There was a short pause and Kate wondered if she was even going to answer, "I think it's alright to miss a day when Dad wants to spend time with me."

"Is he around?" Kate asked, wondering why she even bothered he obviously wasn't or Alexis wouldn't be answering his phone.

"Sort of." Alexis hedged, "but he can't talk right now. Is it important? I can take a message or have him call you tomorrow when he's up?" she asked.

"Sure, yeah, that would be fine." Kate replied, "Thanks." She added before they exchanged what felt like forced pleasantries.

They were just saying good night when she heard Castle in the background, "Alexis, what's taking you so long? It's your turn?"

"Night." Alexis responded to her and then there was silence.

The call had left her bewildered and annoyed. Castle had sounded happy in the back ground, upbeat, possibly intoxicated, but definitely capable of taking a phone call. She had to wonder if he was using Alexis to avoid her. It didn't seem like something he would do, but it also didn't seem to be that much of a stretch to assume that's why the teen was irritated as they spoke on the phone. Alexis was being forced into being the go between for her and Castle and she wasn't happy about it.

As annoyed as Beckett was with him avoiding her phone call, the information that he wasn't going to be into the precinct tomorrow seemed to piss her off even more. While it should have been a relief, instead it worried her. She had spent the weekend unsure of what to say or ask or even do with herself when she saw him again on Monday, but the sudden thought that she might not see him again at all had replaced the projections of what might happen the following day.

x.x.x

A/N: So, reading through last chapter the next day I was wondering if I actually slept while I was typing that one… hmm. Dug myself into a hole I wasn't expecting to have to dig out of, but on a brighter note I dislike this one just as much as the last so at least I'm consistent.

Review that made my day: You're all awesome, but SkySmoke, had me laughing so hard I cried. Missed the word 'hill' while reading last chapter and suddenly Castle skied over a little bunny. "OMG don't kill the bunny!" Apparently this was common and at least two others read it this way as well. I shouldn't use the word little in front of Bunny when I'm denying you all fluff with this story, because all you see is the little bunny, miss the hill and then apparently think I murdered a cute furry creature on top of everything else I'm putting you through. Too freaking funny.

**ArafelSedai**, Hello my long lost relative ;)

I can't find the review now, but someone asked about the country song referenced in the last chapter. Take your pick of 'whiny chick songs' as my husband would call them, but I had the chorus from _Lady Antebellum's_ "All We'd Ever Need" in my head as I wrote that.

Thanks to everyone for reading.


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter Eighteen

Castle was feeling better physically, but his mind was still a mess. Alexis had accused him of regressing to a toddler since he had been injected with the pain killer at the hospital. As a result of his less than mature behavior, he had tried to avoid taking the prescription he was given to relieve any undue stress on his daughter. That hadn't gone over any better with Alexis than him being medicated. So, he had spent a good portion of the day doped up on Hydrocodone staring at the wall and wondering if his brain was ever going to be his again.

It was amazing what a day under the influence of medication and mostly lazing around could do. By Monday evening he was feeling more like himself, but perhaps that had more to do with being in his own house instead of up on the mountains. He was still on pain management to deal with the throbbing in his head and bruised ribs, but he was spending more time between doses, despite Alexis' insistence that he whined too much if he didn't keep to the dosing schedule.

"As needed." He had pointed out to her, waving the pill bottle in her face, perhaps a little too closely if her startled step backwards was anything to go by. It left him wondering when he had lost depth perception.

He was greeted with an eye roll that made him think about Beckett again, not that he had really stopped. "Seriously?" his daughter had asked with sarcasm laced words, "I think holding your head on the verge of tears and avoiding all sources of light and sound still qualifies as 'needed'."

She had held her glare on him until he relented and swallowed the offered medication, then she spun on her heel and headed back out of the living room, probably in search of his mother to talk some sense into him or perhaps take a shift as his babysitter.

He could see the affect his medicated state was having on Alexis. She was exasperated with him. She hadn't let him take any important calls, including talking to Beckett the night before, but he couldn't help the part of him that was insistent on ignoring her advice as he snatched his phone off the counter and hit the speed dial. The phone rang three times and he briefly wondered if he was interrupting something since it didn't usually take her that long to answer her phone.

"Beckett." She had greeted and just hearing the familiarity of the greeting brought a smile to his face.

"Hey, Beckett." He returned lightly, "Just got home, thought I'd let you know I survived a two hour drive with Alexis at the wheel."

He heard what sounded like a car door closing and knew she had closed herself into her car from the way the sound of traffic instantly diminished. He was left wondering whether she was off to check on a new lead. The thought of her running down leads and suspects alone made him slightly nervous and he couldn't wait for Alexis to head back to school tomorrow so he could see if he'd make it a full day without medication, perhaps he could be back at work on Wednesday. He almost laughed at how quickly Alexis would kill him if she could read his mind.

The thought of laughter left his head when he heard the dull tone as she spoke, "That's seriously how you're going to start this conversation?" he heard her let out a breath that rushed over the mouthpiece of her phone and sounded loud to his ears, "Are you drunk?"

"What?" her question was surprising. The doctor had advised against drinking while on this medication and he definitely didn't need to be more of a pain to his family, "No, not drunk. What are you doing?"

With a sigh he heard that she was relenting to this conversation and he was glad, because even talking about mundane subjects was better than not talking to her at all, "It's after seven, I'm going home." Apparently, she wasn't relenting as much as he thought, because her tone was clipped.

"Alone?" he asked, not sure why he was even bothering with the self-flagellation.

He could practically see her roll her eyes, "Does it matter?" he couldn't tell with his unfocused brain, but that might have been a hopeful question or just a stock one and he suddenly wondered if he had underestimated his daughter's forethought, again. Perhaps she had been right about keeping him off the phone while he was filling so far off the mark.

Still, the only thing running through his mind was the seemingly hidden offer in her words. "Not tonight." He had responded as if she were actually offering.

"What's that supposed to mean?" and there was a new edge to her voice, not angry, but perhaps wary, or maybe it was anger, or just exhaustion. Suddenly he couldn't understand her fully and he wondered how to most easily get off the phone without being rude, as he realized that if he spent any more time talking to her he was going to further make an ass of himself.

Despite that knowledge, he opened his mouth, "It's been a rough weekend, I'm not sure I'm up for a rematch. That's all."

"It wasn't an invitation."

Castle shrugged before he realized she couldn't see him, "Sounded like it might have been." He said off handedly as he suddenly became fascinated with the buttons on his shirt. They were smooth and shiny with a little ridge around the edge. The pad of his forefinger fit perfectly into the slight indentation of the button and he realized after a moment of fiddling with the button that she had been talking to him.

"I'm hanging up now, Castle."

"Wait." He was relieved when the ambient noise continued through earpiece indicating that she hadn't hung up, but then he kicked himself because he had actually been trying to get off the phone. "I'm not going to be in for a couple days."

"Listen," her tone had softened slightly, or perhaps that was his perception as he had moved on from the button to the smooth material of the shirt. Everything seemed to soften around him, but he was hoping he didn't misinterpret the shift in her as his mind skewed towards smooth and soft. "I know we said we weren't going to talk about it," she continued.

Castle couldn't help wondering where the conversation had gone while he was lost in thoughts about shirts and buttons, "Talk about what?"

Her sound of exasperation further solidified the thought that he needed to get off the phone. "Can you be serious, Castle?"

"Probably not." He answered truthfully. The effect of his prescription making him feel like he wouldn't ever be able to focus or be serious again and it caused a childish giggle to erupt from him.

"You know what?" she asked, and despite his desire to respond 'No, what?' she was talking again so quickly he didn't have an opportunity to. "This is exactly why Friday night was a mistake."

"That's one mistake I'd like to repeat." He responded absently as he heard the sound of footsteps on the stairs and he already knew he was in for a lecture when Alexis found him on the phone, so he stood and made his way into his office, closing the door behind him.

"I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you." She sounded pissed off now and he was getting dizzy, so he dropped heavily into the first chair he came to.

"What's your problem?" he finally asked when he registered that she hadn't said anything for several seconds.

He heard the sharp inhale that signified she'd be letting him have it and he winced in preparation even as he tried to figure out what he had done to piss her off. "What's _my_ problem? What's _your_ problem, Castle?" It was a question, but instead of waiting for his response she answered it herself, "You come into my house and say all sorts of things you have no right saying to me and then you walked out, but you want to know the worst part? You promised, you promised me this wouldn't ruin us. Yet, here you are, first chance you get calling to tell me it'll be a few days and then the days will turn into weeks and weeks to month, but you'll probably spend that entire time too chicken shit to just come right out and tell me that you're done working together."

He couldn't follow the rant. It didn't make sense. He just needed a couple of days to recover, it shouldn't take him weeks and the rest of it was too complicated to focus on, "You know what you're problem is, Beckett?" he asked, surprised by his calm voice.

Before he could continue she barreled forward, "My problem was thinking you were a man of your word."

"Hey, that's not even fair. I can't come in for a few days and you're talking like it's a personal attack." He responded

"Can't or won't?" she asked simply.

"I can't right now. If I meant 'won't' I would've said that." He responded, not entirely sure why he was being so snippy with her except that she should understand that he would be there if he didn't have this raging headache. There was nothing he could do about it.

"How about I just make this easier for you?" she asked and he definitely didn't like her tone, "Don't even bother with your excuses and dragging this out. I can take a hint, Castle."

"What are you talking about?" generally confused, at least that's one emotion he actually managed to genuinely intend his tone to express.

"Let's just make this easier and I'll give you a pass to go back on your word. Don't worry about coming back."

"Kate, seriously?"

"We don't need you."

The words struck him and he felt the last of his control slip away, "What the hell is wrong with you?" he snapped. "You're kicking me out? I didn't even do anything."

"You don't want to be here. I'm just making it easier for you."

"I didn't say I didn't want to be there. I do." He responded as passionately as he could while he was feeling slightly breathless.

"If you wanted to be here you would have showed up today." She responded, "You wouldn't be telling me you need a few more days."

"I'm hurting, Kate." He explained wondering why she didn't understand.

"Get over it, Castle." Her tone was soft and if he weren't so off his game he might have been able to tell if that catch in her voice was a reaction to the words or the cold air as he heard the sound of traffic heavy again as if she had opened her car door.

"You know what I think?" he asked and it was his turn to barrel over her, or at least he took the opportunity to do it while she was quiet. "I think you're being ridiculous because you're ashamed of what you did. Probably more ashamed that you _liked it_, and you were so damn sure that you wouldn't." He heard her trying to stop him, but he kept talking over the sound of her saying his name in an increasingly insistent tone. "Having me there would be a reminder, maybe a temptation, and while I'm all for a round two, you're going to slip back into that shell and hide from real heat and real passion."

"Castle." This time her warning was clear and it almost derailed his thought process.

Then thinking about how it almost derailed his thought process actually had him losing track of what he was saying. He picked up the train of thought towards the end. "No, if it was as hot as that with your little doctor, you wouldn't have let me get past that first kiss before you kicked my ass, so don't even try to deny it."

"Oh God, the size of your ego is astounding."

"It's not the size of my ego that impressed you." He retorted. "But I understand. You don't need me, don't want me around, it's fine. You're stronger than this though. You shouldn't hide behind your fake civility and pretend like you're doing this for me. How about I make it easier for you instead?" Her silence seemed to goad him on, "Don't worry about me coming back. I won't bother you anymore. Have a nice life with your doctor and your marriage and your two point five kids in the suburbs with a dog and a cat. We're done." He hung up without waiting to hear her tell him that she would and she'd be sure and be happy while she did it.

Castle stared at the phone in his hand, wondering exactly what just happened and how instead of having a conversation with Beckett that went more along the lines of, 'Want to have dinner and discuss a few things?' he ended up sitting in his office arguing with her. He couldn't even figure out how that conversation had spiraled so far out of control. Hell, he couldn't figure out what they were even arguing about, but he was mad at her for being so callous about his situation.

As much as he knew it would have been torture to sit with her knowing he couldn't touch her or mention their night together, he would have still preferred that to almost anything else, and now it seemed that was a thought for the past. It was destined to be just a memory and he wasn't sure how much he'd fully grasp that until he got the damn medicine out of his system.

Alexis chose that moment to walk into his office. He watched her gaze fall on the object in his hand and her eyes hardened. "Dad." Her reprimanding tone really was getting very good, he thought he should probably tell her she had about nailed it, "Who did you call?" she snatched the phone out of his limp grasp and he didn't feel the need to answer since she was obviously going through his call log. "Oh, please tell me it was a friendly conversation."

He shook his head to tell her no and saw her eyes flash with something that looked like regret or possibly irritation. He really needed to get some sleep and get off these pills, because he couldn't think clearly on them. Nothing made sense and he couldn't even read his own daughter when her face was being completely expressive.

"I'm going to lie down." He rose onto unsteady feet and swept past her, his eyes and mind already on the couch as soon as he hit the doorway.

x.x.x

A/N: Sorry for the delay. I find writing dialogue on the phone without facial expressions and the ability to describe looks difficult enough without making Castle all hopped up on drugs. Doubly troubling. Anyway, hope it comes across alright because I've been tweaking it for two days and I've lost perspective. I'm sure you'll all keep me in line, if you ever get your notifications with fanfiction being all wonky lately.

Review that made my day: **sarahlovesa**, I do not envy you taking 49 14 year olds anywhere. I hope this update reaches you in Paris and allows you a moment to relax from what I'm sure is a stressful trip. On the novel front, not for a while I'm sure. I'd have to stop writing fanfic to finish my book and I'm in the middle of a few things here and having way too much fun to give it up right now. Perhaps, someday.

Thanks to everyone for reading.


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter Nineteen

She didn't even make it into her apartment as the line clicked off she played his words again in her head.

He denied being drunk, but he sounded like he was well over three sheets to the wind. He made statements about wanting to be with her again, but she couldn't tell if it was just a fling or something else he wanted. Then everything had gone to hell as he hid behind what he couldn't do, how he couldn't make bring himself to face her.

She didn't know what he'd meant when he said can't. She had some idea, because she was worried that she couldn't go back to how things were, but she didn't know if he literally meant he couldn't or that it would be hard.

It was a kneejerk reaction to tell him off. She knew as soon as the words were out of her mouth that telling him they didn't need him was a mistake. She didn't need to drag him down with her and she definitely didn't need to lash out and be a bitch just because she was hurting.

However, no matter the logic in that, it seemed she automatically flipped a switch and suddenly she was trying to make him feel the same hurt. As soon as the words were out of her mouth, she regretted telling him they didn't need him. She could hear the hurt in his voice and the sincerity as he continued speaking despite his obvious reluctance and frustration.

Then there was the pleading in his voice as he said, "I'm hurting, Kate." As if he was begging for her to understand and confused that she couldn't.

He had sounded sincere as he tried to explain that he did want to be there today. Thinking about her day spent deflecting questions from Esposito and Ryan about his absence, not having him to bounce ideas off of, being cornered by Lanie, she couldn't help the fresh slew of anger.

After all that, as she was finally heading home, she got his call and everything spiraled out of control until he was telling her in a bitter vehement tone that she should have a nice life with Josh. He hadn't meant a word of it. She knew that, could tell from the way he said it, but it still hurt to hear him say, "We're done."

Those words had her turning back around before she hit her elevator. She was in her car and driving before she even gave it a second thought. Adrenaline joined the fury in her veins. If he thought he was going to just pin this mess on her and walk away, then he was in for one shocking smack back into reality.

Her hands trembled slightly with the rush of anger in her veins, but she didn't notice until she balled her hand into a tight fist and banged soundly on his door. Three loud raps and then she waited none too patiently for the door to be answered.

She was prepared to push past him and lay into him as soon as the door cracked open, but the flash of red hair and a sheepish expression stopped her in her tracks. In an odd twist on what normally greeted her on knocking at this particular door, it didn't open for her entry; instead Alexis stepped out into the hall.

"It's not a good time." The teen told her, closing the door behind her and leaning against it. "Can you come back tomorrow or in a couple days?"

Beckett gave her a serious once over. Alexis looked tired, perhaps a little frustrated, and Kate found herself wondering if Castle had actually told the girl what happened. "I just need to talk to him, it's a private matter."

The look Alexis leveled on her in that moment gave Kate all the answer she needed. The girl knew exactly what happened between her and Castle and the thought of it made her feel a little heat in her cheeks. It wasn't embarrassment; it was a fresh wave of anger.

"Look, Detective Beckett," Alexis started and Kate hated that tone in the girl's voice, outrage she could handle, even disgust or standard teenage repulsion at the thought of her father having sex, but it was sympathetic and so was her tone. "I know you probably have some things to discuss," the girls eyes widened just slightly as she elaborated, "And I want nothing to do with those things, but I'm serious when I tell you that now is not the best time."

Just as Kate was going to argue that it was a fine time, the door opened and Castle peeked his head through the crack. She was almost angry at herself for the sudden wave of relief that washed over her as she spotted the grin on his face and heard his lighthearted greeting, "Hey, Beckett."

She only noticed his smile in her peripheral vision, because just like always her eyes were immediately drawn to his as if they held the answers to all her questions. Tonight the normally clear blue of his eyes was obscured by abnormally large pupils and a glassiness that had her instantly confused, "Are you on drugs?"

Alexis had already turned to shoo her dad inside when the door was pulled open a little further, clearing the shadows around his face. She spotted the bruising immediately, from his temple down the side of his cheek, barely reaching his jawline and disappearing into his hair. It looked as if he had been struck across the side of his head with a baseball bat.

She didn't even think about it, but pushed past him and Alexis into their loft, stopping the argument they were obviously having, even though neither was speaking. She saw Martha making her way over to them all from the kitchen, but she turned and trained her eyes back on Castle again. He had obviously finished the silent conversation with Alexis and had trained his glassy eyes and a silly smile on her instead.

"What the hell happened to you?" she asked, not sure why the sharp tone except that her anger wasn't dissipating. Being kept in the dark seemed to have riled her up even further.

She watched as Castle's head whipped around to Alexis as he said, "You didn't tell her?" at the same time his mother asked Castle the same question.

Kate watched as the normally confident teen seemed to shrink back a little as if uncomfortable or uncertain. It was an odd moment to witness, knowing the girl was normally so self-assured.

Castle was the one to respond, however, turning his eyes back towards her, "Skis and trees." He said and followed it with a single sharp bark of laughter that had her instantly convinced as to why Alexis was telling her it wasn't a good time. "That rhymed.

Alexis looked sheepish, and sounded meek as she apologized to her dad, "If I told her she'd have showed up and you would have been a jerk or said something stupid and then I would have felt responsible."

"Good plan, but I still made an ass of myself." He told his daughter with a glance in Beckett's direction.

Kate was certain the words were a form of apology, but before she could respond, Martha was sweeping between her and Castle. She hadn't noticed that the woman grabbed a couple of jackets and before she knew what was happening Martha had linked her arm with Alexis', "We were just on our way out to catch a movie." She said lightly, but Kate detected the lie in her voice.

Alexis was glaring at the older woman, "No, Grams, we weren't." she said stubbornly and her intention of protecting her father from himself was clear.

"It's alright." Beckett heard herself saying before she realized. The anger was slightly abated and replaced with a newfound understanding for what Castle had meant when he told her 'I can't' and the understanding that he didn't have any idea she had been kept in the dark. "I'll come back another time, or Castle and I can talk when he gets back to work."

Martha gave her a kind smile as she lead Alexis through the door, "No worries, dear, we're glad to have a break from him. He's been a handful." Just before she closed the door soundly behind her and a clearly frustrated Alexis, she said, "We're going to get some dinner when we're done, so don't wait up for us Richard." Then she turned her eyes back to Kate, "Thanks for looking after him."

She knew the implications of those words as the door closed soundly behind the two women leaving her alone with Castle. Now, not only was she alone with the man she had been so angry with over the weekend, she was expected to look after him. Probably to make sure he didn't stick a fork in the outlets or jump out the window thinking he could fly.

She finally dragged her eyes off the closed door and met his. Her gaze instantly took in the bruising and the way his arm was bent; hand over his ribs as if protecting them. Her mind suddenly went to the previous afternoon and driving Josh to the airport. She thought about his lie concerning the raw and swollen knuckles and suddenly wondered if it wasn't a wall after all. She thought Castle might be covering for the doctor out of some misguided nobility.

She didn't know why, but she had the sudden desire to price a ticket to the other side of the world. She hadn't told Josh about Castle or what happened this weekend, but he wasn't an idiot. However, if he had assumed and done this to the man then she didn't even know if almost four thousand miles was enough distance to put between himself and her. She tried to stamp down the thought. She had just been pissed at Castle five minutes ago and now her fury was directed at someone that might have hurt him. It was ridiculous.

"Tell me the truth, Castle." She finally said, noting his confusion. "What happened to you? Did someone do this?"

Castle continued to give her a perplexed expression as he made his way past her, looking unsteady as he sat at a stool in the kitchen. "What? No." his laugh was obviously more from embarrassment than humor, "Just me and my penchant for getting distracted at the wrong moment."

"I'm not joking around here, Castle." She could tell by the small frown that passed over his face that he understood the edge to her tone.

He smiled up at her wryly, "I actually kind of wish someone had done this, because fists are softer than trees and at least I would have been able to get a couple swings in before they took me out."

She felt her eyes narrow on him, taking in his expression and determining if he was being truthful. He seemed to be telling the truth, but she wasn't familiar with his rapidly changing mood, or the way he was so easily distracted. He suddenly found a line of grout in the countertop unusually interesting. She watched him stare at his finger as it traced the line between the granite and the sink; he suddenly looked up at her. "This is the problem, isn't it?" he asked.

It was her turn to be confused, but she was going to go with him because he was either on the verge of a breakthrough or a breakdown and she didn't know if she could stop either.

"We're the counter and the sink." He said after a long pause, and then looked up at her as if she should follow his train of thought. Castle gave a heavy sigh, clearly frustrated that she didn't understand, frustrated that his addled mind had to function enough to explain his thought process.

She watched him Climb back to his feet and turn his back to the counter, leaning against the edge as he brought his eyes to hers. Having already seen the effect of his medication, she was still surprised to see the unusually dark eyes from the large pupils. His eyes were black with only a small ring of blue. The glazed look was even more troubling. It made her stomach tighten slightly at the implications of him being medicated; Implications that went further than the knowledge that he had been in danger, or the understanding that he wouldn't be making much sense as long as he was on his pills.

She pushed the thoughts away as his focus seemed to shift off her to the bank of windows.

"See," he started, and for the first time since she arrived he didn't have the upbeat lilt in his voice, "They work together really well." He looked back to her as he explained, "The sink and counter." He elaborated as if making sure that she was following him. He turned back to the counter and moved his finger over to trace the edge where the sink was sealed in place.

"They work well together, even though they are so different. It's because there's a line." He explained as his finger slowly trailed along the grouting. "That's the problem we have to face, now, because we crossed it and I don't know if we can go back."

She was far from interested in having a sideways conversation with him about this in the abstract while he was too doped up to probably even remember having a conversation with her tomorrow. She tried to distract him, "Which one am I?"

"Counter." He responded immediately without thought.

She couldn't help but smile at the earnest word and the way he looked over his shoulder at her with an expression that clearly communicated he thought it absurd that she wouldn't know that already. "Why?"

When he turned back to look at her fully she gave herself a little pat on the back, successful in her endeavor to distract him.

With a sigh, as if he were exasperated having to explain something that he saw as common knowledge, he slapped his hand soundly against the marble. "Solid, strong, sturdy and resilient, but also beautiful, practical and efficient."

"I'm almost worried you'll break out with Katy Perry's Hot and Cold if I ask about why you're a sink." She smirked, trying not to be impacted by the sincerity of his words and take this whole adventure as just another day where he would lead them into half a dozen asinine conversations, just like this one.

The drugs didn't seem to inhibit his eyes from twinkling for a moment as he smirked at her. "I know that you don't know that song from playing Just Dance on the Wii, because you turn me down every time I invite you over. So, Detective, where have you been hiding your penchant for pop music?"

Kate knew she should try to change the subject or even call Alexis and try to escape, but she was almost relieved to have things feel so normal and light that she played along, "I wouldn't call one CD my having a proclivity for any particular type of music. I'm a fan of most genres, haven't we had this conversation?"

"We definitely haven't had this conversation." He responded absently before his forehead wrinkled with confusion, "What were we talking about?"

Kate laughed, it felt good even if she didn't know what any of it meant, it was nice to take a break from reality with him, "We were talking about dinner."

He nodded a little too excitedly if his wince was anything to go by, "Oh yeah." He said, controlling his movements, but the excitement in his voice was childlike, "Let's order something greasy and/or fattening, Alexis has been feeding me her organic rabbit food all day long and I could really go for something that isn't a vegetable."

"Pizza?" she asked, knowing before she said it that it would earn a smile from him.

Beckett wandered over to the large bank of windows as she made the call, not trusting Castle to communicate effectively. She didn't even mind being kept on hold for so long as she enjoyed the view. She hung up and started to turn, calling out towards the kitchen where she had left him, "They said forty-five minutes to an hour."

She was stopped from turning by his hands on her shoulders. A bit of panic filled her in that moment as she replayed the events of the weekend. His thumbs were gently working the muscles in her shoulders and she didn't know why she was letting herself enjoy something she knew would be fleeting and cause more pain when it was gone again.

His tone was calm and he sounded surprisingly lucid as he asked, "What are you doing here?"

She shrugged slightly, the movement enough to have him adjusting his right hand, shifting it to run casually against the side of her neck. "I thought you were quitting. I figured you couldn't hang up if I was standing here."

"You should know by now you can't get rid of me that easily."

She wanted to ask him what that meant, what any of this meant, but something kept her silent. The thought that she didn't want to know the answer, that hearing him say it was great, but it was just sex was something she didn't think she could take. Instead, she could stay in the dark, pretend that it meant something, as long as neither of them asked the hard questions.

"Where's Josh?" he asked, she heard the apprehension in his voice as his fingers stilled against her shoulders.

"Pakistan." She responded simply, surprised by his sharp inhalation.

He shifted to rest his chin against a shoulder as his hand trailed slowly down her arm. His sigh was long and heavy; his breath warmed the skin on her neck even as she felt goose bumps break out across her body. "I'm so sorry."

The sincerity in his voice started the unraveling of her tightly held control. "It's not your fault." She explained, "Nothing you need to be sorry about."

His chin lifted and she was actually concerned he might pull away, but instead she felt him shaking his head. "It's a damn war zone, Kate. He shouldn't have gone."

His anger surprised her. "It's his job."

"That's crap and you know it." He cut her off, his hands tightening on her shoulders, "How long is he going to run off saving the world? He says he wants to make a life with you, but instead he flies off to a warzone to get himself killed."

"It doesn't matter." She hears the words slip out of her mouth and realizes that it's probably well past time to come clean with him about Josh, about the ring.

"Don't feed me that crap." He surprised her with the tightness in his voice as if he were fighting anger. "Doesn't he know what it would do to you if he didn't come home? Doesn't he know that with everything you've seen you are probably playing out scenarios on everything that could go wrong every night he isn't with you?"

She wondered if Castle realized that was how she had felt when he disappeared the other day. She stomped the thought down, trying to remind herself that she was mad at him, but a traitorous thought crossed her mind and her lips before she could rein it in. Perhaps it was the view or the feel of his fingers so firm yet gentle, or the way his breath skittered across her cheek, but something had her inhibitions flying right back out the window. "Help me forget." She whispered.

He spun her around and she was pinned between his warm body and the cool glass with his lips on hers before she even fully realized what she had said.

x.x.x

A/N: Sorry for the delay, instead of writing I spent almost the entire weekend in bed and not doing anything fun… At least it's a longer chapter, even if it is a product of my own drug addled mind. Something happened with a sink and Katy Perry and a window pane; I will blame all that on the cough syrup, because something else was supposed to happen here that will have to wait for a chapter or two.

Review that made my day: **Beetlebug**, so very cool to be compared to Marlowe. It means that I'm at least a little on the right track, though I think I'll get them straightened out before he does.

**GhostWriterLost**, I know you're worrying about double rainbows right now, but trust me and don't.

Thanks to everyone for reading.


	20. Chapter 20

Warning: The following doesn't fit with my normal views on tasteful and subtle because I felt the moment called for something else. If you're underage, you shouldn't be reading this anyway.

Chapter Twenty

Castle's brain was spinning with more than his pain pills as her words hit him square in the chest, knocking the breath out of him and sending his heart thudding wildly. She was asking him for a moment, another moment. She wasn't asking for him or asking to be with him, she wanted a distraction. Even drugged, it only took him a split second to decide. Even so, as he spun her and pushed her against the window, he couldn't fully vanquish his frustration.

When she moaned into his mouth as he slipped his tongue through her lips, he felt his anger ratchet up a notch even as his cock hardened to a nearly unbearable degree. He couldn't understand how she could feel this with him, experience passion that burned him to his soul, scorched him like nothing had before, and just walk away. Go back to _him_ when it was over.

The idea that she would cheat on Josh was nagging at him, too, but not enough to keep his hands from sliding under her shirt. If she wasn't getting what she needed from the inconsiderate ass of a man, if he was just going to leave her, than she had every right to take her frustrations out whatever means necessary. Even as the thought flashed through his mind, he hated himself for having it.

With a sudden blinding clarity he realized that he was the other man. Even though Kate wasn't married, if he was Josh, and lucky enough to have her, he would lose it to find out she was doing this with someone else. He tried to rationalize that he'd never leave her the way Josh had, but the anger boiled through him swamping rational thought and replacing it with a primal need. It manifested in his teeth nipping her lip with more force than necessary before he slid his tongue past the abused flesh and into her mouth, enough force behind the motion to feel her teeth pressing hard against his own lips.

A sound rumbled in her throat at the action, a sort of growl that seemed to signify her acceptance of the rough treatment. With her head pushed back against the glass, she had to turn away to break the kiss and he was tempted to reach up and move her back to him or follow until he registered that she was tugging his shirt up.

Once the garment was discarded, she was pulling him back in. He felt the insistence in this kiss, the push back at him as her arms wrapped around and her nails bit into the flesh on his back holding him against her.

He shifted, hips still tightly pressed to hers, but hunching his shoulders enough to keep his lips on hers while making room for his hands between them. His fingers worked to release the buttons on her blouse, pulling one completely off her shirt in the process, the soft sound of it hitting the floor completely blocked out by heavy breathing and harsh throaty noises. He was glad as the fabric of her shirt parted, that she had been wearing something with buttons, because he couldn't get enough of the almost feral kiss they were engaged in.

He pulled her against him with a firm hand beneath her shirt against the bare skin on her back, separating her from the window long enough to slip the blouse off her shoulders. It barely had time to fall from her arms before he flicked the clasp on her bra loose and pressed her back up against the glass as he yanked the garment off and dropped it at their feet.

He was momentarily distracted as his hands roamed the newly bared flesh and he felt her tear her mouth away from his. He had a fleeting thought that she was pulling away, until her lips landed against his neck. Kate kissed and bit her way down to his shoulder before sucking at his flesh, sending him to a confused place where he wasn't sure if he was experiencing pleasure or pain, but it only made him groan as he felt his cock twitch at the sensation.

His hands reached for the clasp on her pants the same moment she went for the drawstring on his pajama bottoms. As the last of their clothes fell to pool at their feet, he buried his hand firmly in her hair, pulling her lips from his skin and tilting her head to have greater access as he found the spot that had made her moan a few nights before. This time he let his teeth pull against her flesh with more force before he settled in that spot where he neck met her shoulders and drew the flesh there into his mouth.

He was marking her. He knew she'd be pissed later, but couldn't find the will to care at the moment. She might not be his, but tonight she was and he was going to brand her, leave her with something that made her have to face this moment with him in the harsh light of day.

Her moan as he pressed against her, flesh on flesh, broke his hold on her neck as he was drawn back to her lips, wanting to feel her sounds against his mouth, take them into him. He was the one to break away, however, as he couldn't stop his strangled gasp as his hand found a way between them to touch her. "Oh, God, you're so fucking wet." He rasped out as he sank two fingers into her heat without resistence.

"You talk too much." She responded through gusting breaths as she yanked his hair to pull his lips back to hers. He withdrew the digits from her body, hearing as well as feeling the whimper of protest against his tongue.

One hand under her thigh and the other cupping her ass firmly, he parted her legs as he lifted her against him. The discarded pants were still around both her feet, trapping them together so she couldn't wrap her legs around him. It forced her to bend her knees and grip against his hips with just that part of her as one of her feet fought wildly to free itself.

He braced her between him and the window as he angled her hips until he felt the slick slide of her moist flesh against the tip of him. He surged into her, momentarily concerned for the strength of his window as he buried himself in one sure stroke that had her gasping into his mouth. He couldn't stop the hoarse growl that rumbled from him as he reveled in the feeling of her for a moment.

The experience of being in her, joined by hot flesh, hard and soft meeting and becoming one, was just as devastating as he had remembered from their first night together. It was a different kind of consuming than that night, a more intense almost primitive kind that left his head spinning, all the same.

He broke from the kiss again to bury his face in the crook of her neck, tongue caressing the spot he had marked moments before as he rested his head against the cool glass in an effort to compose himself so things weren't finished before they started. One of his hands found its way down to help her push the fabric off one of her feet as she finally kicked it loose from the other.

When she wrapped her legs around him, he finally sank fully into her and stilled for a moment feeling his chest start to burn from the exertion. He brought his face back up level to hers and thought about suggesting they move things to another location, but when she leaned in and her teeth closed over his lower lip, his hips started to move as if out of his control.

The suddenly agonizingly slow pace sent his mind spinning back to Friday and the way she had come undone in his arms. That brought him just enough out of the moment to remember how pissed he was with her inability to see what was right there in front of her, remember that she was using him. He was her fuck toy and he felt his hip pick up speed as he gave her what she asked for. This wasn't about love and caring or gentle sweet embraces, this was about fucking and forgetting. He had been a fool to think otherwise even for a moment.

Her gasping moans against his mouth, as he plunged into her with strong steady strokes, confirmed that she wanted this to be fast and dirty. His pace stayed steady, but he put more weight behind his thrusts and she tilted her hips to meet him, using the window behind her as leverage to push her hips into his.

Her nails dug painfully into his shoulders as if she were afraid he might drop her and her pants became louder sounds of pleasure, moans and gasps filled the air. The sound of their bodies moving together was drowned out by the blood rushing through his body and her cries as he pushed her towards her peak.

He felt her hips falter and tore his mouth from hers to watch as she crested. Her eyes were squeezed shut as if she were blocking him out. The thought that she was imagining herself with someone else struck him and he growled menacingly, "Open your eyes."

Surprised eyes met his fierce demand for them to open. He heard his name in that sexy pleading tone as he worked into her and then watched as her eyes widened slightly before they dipped to almost close. She appeared to fight to keep eye contacts when her body tensed and began to tremble against him. Hot pulses against his cock sent him over the edge with her and he buried himself savagely with a low howl and ground against her as intense pleasure coursed through his body.

He had the vague thought that he was going to turn himself inside out from the force of his release into her yielding flesh before the waves finally subsided enough for coherent thought to return. Carefully he withdrew from her and stooped a bit to help her slide her feet to the ground.

The small act of bending reminded him that sex against his window was a bad idea as he gasped at the new level of pain shooting through his chest.

Beckett's heavily lidded eyes took in his expression and he watched a flash of concern cross her face as her gaze swept his body. He knew the bruising along his ribs wasn't pretty and the pain he was experiencing was just another reminder of how incredibly wrong this all was. She hadn't even noticed or remembered that he was injured. Her selfish act of taking was so unlike her that he wondered how screwed up she really was by everything with Josh that she would go against her sense of decency and strong moral compass just to lash out in anger for the man who was supposed to be there for her.

Thoughts of the other man had him taking a small step back as they both continued to draw long, unsteady breaths. Kicking himself before he even opened his mouth, but knowing he couldn't stop himself, Castle finally broke the silence, "How long is he in Pakistan?"

"Supposed to be three weeks." She responded after a long tense silence. She was avoiding his eyes as if her shame was rearing its ugly head again.

Not wanting to witness another Beckett Breakdown as realization hit, he latched onto the preferable option of her being pissed off, "Well, I'm free whenever you need a good time to help you forget about all that."

He watched her eyes narrow into a glare. "You're in no condition for that."

Castle shrugged and was annoyed by the stab of pain that movement caused. "You didn't seem to mind my 'condition' a minute ago." He smirked.

He watched her bend, grab the pants and boxers that were still pooled at his feet and pull them up, securing the pants with a simple knot in the drawstring before she finally looked back into his eyes for a brief moment with a glare and something softer in her expression. "I forgot, but I'm not the one about to fall down from it."

"That's what you wanted isn't it?" he asked rhetorically, "To forget?" With a smirk he continued, "If your wails were anything to go by, I successfully met your request for distraction." He said, trying for an offhand tone.

"You should have reminded me you're hurt." She responded as she began to gather and don the items of clothing that were scattering the floor where they had been dropped.

Castle shrugged, though he felt like screaming in frustration that the pain in his heart was worse than anything physical. He ignored the pain of his movement this time as he planted his feet and faced her with an obstinate grin, "Like I could deny a beautiful woman standing here looking downright fuck-able. Hell, you practically begged me to take you right here and I complied. It was good for a minute, now you're back to being cold and distant. Good ol' Beckett." He snapped sarcastically, not sure where that had come from considering she was the most generous and caring person he knew besides his daughter.

To his horror and delight, his distraction technique worked to keep her from spiraling down into tears as he watched anger sweep her entire body. Kate's face turn slightly pink from something more than embarrassment and he only had a moment to appreciate his amazing talents of distraction before he felt the slap that was so cliché he almost laughed, except that Beckett wasn't any other women, she put her own Beckett flare and strength behind the impact before she scooped up her shoes and headed for the door.

He wanted to call out to her, to stop her, but the ringing in his ears and the suddenly weightless feeling, stopped him from being capable of speech as he swayed on unsteady feet and his headache returned with a vengeance.

x.x.x

A/N: The site has been seriously slacking in sending out alerts. If you happen across this and didn't get your alert, you can find a link to my Twitter on my profile page. I always tweet when I get a new chapter out there.

I know this isn't where a lot of people wanted to see us go, but I write what my brain tells me and I refuse to force it to do something just because it's where I think the story should go. It will get mad and retaliate by giving me nothing, some kind of stubborn 'you think you can do it alone' taunting.

Who wants to hoot and hooray with me for a minute? I just broke 400,000 words. When I started writing in September of last year I thought those NaNoWriMo people were crazy to think they could write 50,000 words in a month, but I did it plus some six months in a row. I'm shocked and more than a little proud.

Review that made my day: Not a review really, but **carolina17** and **Beetlebug** for keeping me distracted with light conversation on Twitter while I typed this. It made getting through all the things I have a hard time writing just a little easier and kept me grinning despite the grey storm cloud feeling this whole chapter gave me.

Thanks to everyone for reading.


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter Twenty-One

Kate ignored the stinging in her palm as she fought against her urge to turn back to him, make sure he was alright. With a confident set in her shoulders that she didn't feel, she ignored the thought and let her anger win, driving her forward and away from him. Her legs felt unsteady and she was barefoot as she slammed his door behind her. Once out in the hall, she leaned against the wall a moment to slip on her heels as she took a steadying breath.

Running a hand through her hair she began to wonder what she was thinking. The truth that smacked her across the face, much as she had just done to Castle, was that she hadn't been thinking in days. She wasn't able to form logical and coherent thoughts once his lips hit hers. Then from there everything happened so quickly that it was over before common sense was able to seep into her mind.

It had been as passionate as it was intense and left her legs shaking and heart racing. She had a moment earlier, while he was calling her a marble slab, which from anyone else would have sounded odd, but from him it was a compliment that made her stomach flutter. During that moment she thought about his injuries and how he followed her around crime scenes and had risked his life in all manner of situations, but she had almost lost him sliding down a hill on skis.

The thoughts of his mortality were still nagging when he came to her at the window as she looked over the city from his loft. When he kissed her, she couldn't hold back the wave of passion that mingled with her darker thoughts and the relief she didn't understand because she hadn't seen or heard about his injuries until she could see that he was alright.

She was rendered speechless by the way they came together, so different than the first time, but so good with the added bonus of leaving her too stunned and sated to even think about crying as she had that first time. Instead it was an affirmation of life and the desperate pace seemed to echo her equally turbulent thoughts. Still a mess; she was struck angry and speechless by his question about Josh.

She hadn't told him the truth, but she didn't lie either. Josh was gone, she didn't know how long he'd stay in Pakistan or if he'd take another posting when that one was up, but she did know it was supposed to be three weeks, when he had originally scheduled the trip.

She knew she was using Josh as an excuse to keep Castle close. It was odd, but he seemed willing to give her what she was missing from her relationship, which made her want to keep the information about transitions with Josh to herself. She didn't know if he'd still want her if he could actually have her, as he had proven the after their first night together.

She had confessed her feelings and he had practically run screaming from the room. She had asked him to distract her and he was willing. It was a mess of a situation. Wanting someone so bad and knowing she couldn't have him, she was ridiculously willing to take what little of him she could have. For now, it was worth the tradeoff. Being able to pretend that he was hers for that short time was worth the heartache when he inevitably left or pushed her away.

Then the words out of his mouth confirmed her thoughts on the subject. The wave of fury hit her like a physical blow and she felt her fist ball up at her sides. She didn't realize she had moved that clenched hand until she was already swinging. At the last moment she tried to pull the punch and opened her fist landing her open hand across his face loud enough for a resounding crack to radiate through the room and cause a sharp sting to the flesh of her palm.

Tired of thinking about their time together and anxious to head off for a distraction, she pushed herself away from the wall, tugging to button her jacket around the shirt that no longer closed fully. Just as she stepped away from his apartment, she heard a loud crash and something shatter inside. The anger, resentment and bitterness fled, replaced only with fear and guilt as she rushed back inside, glad that she hadn't had the presence of mind to lock the door when she stormed out.

The initial quick sweep of her eyes revealed nothing, but as she moved through the loft she found him near a toppled table in the living room. There was a lamp shattered across the hardwood floor near where he knelt with his head in his hands rocking subtly forward and back.

With a conflicted set of feelings for the situation she found herself in, knowing it was as much her fault as his, if not more, she moved to him. She wasn't inclined to speak, but asked where is pills were.

"Kitchen." He responded with a harsh raspy voice that didn't even sound like him.

"I'll be right back." She tried to reassure him as she left him where he was and went in search of his pills.

Beckett made quick work of grabbing him a bottle of water and his prescription from the counter. As she made her way back to him she spotted his shirt and stooped to grab it from the floor where it had been thrown. Laying out what she had gathered, she helped him sit up straight and slipped his shirt on, surprised by how docile he was in this state.

He kept his face turned away from her as she pulled the shirt over his head and helped guide his arms into the sleeves. It wasn't until she shifted around to help him to his feet that she noticed the tracks down his face from his silent tears. The guilt of her contribution to his pain, both from the escapades against his window and the hard slap to the face, made her stomach clench and her breath catch.

She couldn't find words as she helped him stand. Part of her wanted to reassure him, comfort him, but another part of her was almost glad to see that his pain mirrored her own. Granted his was a physical pain that would quickly fade and hers was a pain that threatened to be consuming for the foreseeable future, but non-the-less, it was nice not to be the only one hurting.

His weight was heavy against her as they made their way to the couch. She led him the long way so he wouldn't have to walk through the broken glass across the floor. Once she had him seated on the couch she administered his medication and then helped him lay down. He pulled her to him and for a moment she wanted to curl against him on the couch and enjoy the feeling of his arms wrapped around her, but she knew it would be fleeting, it was just his attempt to seek comfort through his pain and it would leave her feeling even more hallow. Every time she experienced another side to their non-relationship that could be, she found herself sucked in further to the delusion that it meant something. She was tired, she was sick and tired. She couldn't take anymore delusions or illusions or half-truths and so she pulled away when all she wanted was to sink into him.

She watched him grimace as she moved away, tears no longer falling, but still brimming in his eyes as he looked at her briefly before breaking her gaze and turning towards the back of the couch.

She had started to move away, intent on straightening up around the loft before Alexis and Martha came home, when he spoke. His voice was so low that she almost didn't hear him, "It hurts so much, Kate."

The way he said her name made the statement seem more personal than it was. There was something about her first name out of his mouth in such a serious tone that threatened to sweep it all away and disturb the resolve she had been trying to build back up. With a conscious effort to remember the cold way he had spoken to her earlier, she dismissed the way he said her name and focused on the rest of his statement. "The pills should start kicking in soon." It was a struggle, but somehow she managed to keep her voice level and emotionless, "You should get some sleep."

With that she started to pick up the largest pieces of the shattered lamp. She heard him mumble something into the back of the couch, but couldn't make it out. She figured it was some other drug induced silliness and she couldn't take another random jaunt into talking around the issues, so she didn't ask him to repeat himself.

By the time she had straightened up and gotten the glass all swept away, Castle was sleeping soundly on the couch. She called Martha, because while Alexis meant well, it was not a conversation to be had with a child. She suggested they come home as soon as possible because she had work to do tomorrow and would need to head home soon.

Twenty minutes later she was glad to see them walking through the door. She didn't need any more time sitting silently in Castle's living room watching him sleep. As creepy as she would have thought Castle watching her sleep would be, watching him had been both relaxing and frustrating. He was so calm in sleep. In the light of day he was so active and talkative, but in sleep he looked peaceful and almost innocent. Those thought could prove her undoing, so with her coat and purse in hand she bid them a quick farewell and was out the door almost before Martha could thank her for looking after her son.

Beckett didn't miss the questioning look from both women, but chose to ignore it along with her urge to turn and get a last longing look at Castle peacefully asleep on the couch as she fled the apartment. She felt like a coward for leaving things the way she had, but if he wanted to be a part of her life in any capacity he needed to make that decision when he was of a sound mind. They didn't need a drug hazed confession or conversation hanging over their friendship or partnership or whatever else kind of 'ship they had formed.

Just before the door to his loft opened for Martha and Alexis had been the last time she saw or heard from him in three days. Three days where she was admittedly miserable to be around.

Lanie was on her case trying to hound the reason for her sour mood out of her. Ryan and Esposito were walking on eggshells because she had snapped at them more often than was necessary, but no matter the context she always put her frustration down to this case they were working on.

Normally, that would make sense and be enough of a reason for her to be on edge, but without Castle as the go between for them, their working relationship was strained by the negative. She had to admit some of her frustration over those three days was because of the case.

It was a mess, right from the beginning. None of the evidence made sense. The killer obviously wore gloves and was meticulous about not leaving a blood trail exiting the thoroughly drenched crime scene. The man had been murdered with a chainsaw for crying out loud, it's not the type of death that usually lacks in blood evidence. It was as if the killer was wearing gumboots and a raincoat that they took off as soon as they were finished cutting off the man's head. The only thing they had left behind was a chainsaw, but that had turned out to be the victim's, so it was not likely the killer would take it anyway.

On top of the frustration with evidence at the scene, everyone who turned up with a possible motive for the murder seemed to have solid alibis. The ex-girlfriend, who claimed the breakup had been her idea, was on a business trip in the south of France. The brother who was the named beneficiary of the man's retirement plan and life insurance policy, totaling more than a quarter of a million dollars was heavily in debt, but he was on a three day camping trip with his son's cub scout troop. The business partner, the cousin, the employee that thought he was underpaid. They had widened the pool of suspects to a nearly ridiculous extent to encompass long past grievances and done everything in their poser to crack the alibis of those with the strongest motive.

Needless to say, she had entirely too much time staring at the murder board with little to no thoughts on the actual case to keep her focused. It had been a long and tiring three days of introspection and self-examination. She was proud of the progress she had made in letting go of all the things she had been so foolish to let herself be snared by. It was long nights and early mornings all week, something she was grateful for because it meant she was too exhausted to think by the time she made it home to her bed, her bed that no longer smelled of him and, thanks to her exhaustion, she was finally able to get a full night of sleep in without waking to dreams of him there with her.

On Friday, she could have strangled the writer, when he walked into the precinct as if nothing had changed. She was still covering the mark on her neck with make-up and strategically selected outfits. The same make-up that masked his mark on her, masked the dark circles under her eyes that she knew was another mark of his on her. She was grateful for the three years she spent working days and investigating her mother's murder at night, because those years had taught her how to hide her lack of sleep behind coffee, make-up, and the avoidance of prolonged eye contact. Then he just walks in like it's any other day and he looks rested, relaxed and so damn happy that she wants to slap him all over again. She justifies the feeling by reminding herself that if he's well enough to work he's well enough for her to give him the type of slug his insinuations had required a few days before. She banished the thought before it could blossom to reality, though it would have been satisfying to wipe the smirk off his face.

What bothered her most about the breezy way he blew into the bullpen wasn't that he had brought her coffee as if it were any other day. It wasn't that he smiled at her just a little wider than normal, but still kept that professional distance. It wasn't his way of glancing at her briefly and simply asking, "Not sleeping well, Detective?" as if all the work she did to hide that fact were wasted on him. It wasn't even the way that he had brushed off Ryan and Esposito's concerns or made up a story about going up against three huge bikers in a bar brawl before finally coming clean that it had been a tree. It was none of those things.

It was when, after reading the case file, hearing a briefing and looking at the murder board for all of ten minutes, he turned to her and in a voice loud enough to carry so it included Ryan and Esposito he asked, "So, why are you guys investigating a suicide?"

There were three sets of voices telling him he was crazy and three equally idiotic feeling detectives when he was done explaining how exactly the man could have killed himself with the chainsaw.

The more she looked at the evidence, the more that theory made sense. The more she thought about him being right, the angrier she got about her wasted time, her team's wasted time. Once Lanie got and signed off on the information, they could call another case 'closed', though it didn't feel like an accomplishment. She was annoyed with the fact that she needed him. She needed the wacky theories and silly side bars and jokes. It made her feel a little on edge thinking what she would do if she had actually come to depend on him as her partner and their slips on the sexual side of their relationship pushed him away.

The paperwork completed, she excused herself a little earlier than normal, leaving Castle with the boys. As she made her way away from her desk, she heard Ryan whisper, none-to-subtly to Castle, "What did you do to put her in such a bad mood this week?"

"Me?" he had responded with such an innocent tone that she would have probably bought it from the man, "That's pretty cold considering I wasn't even here."

Beckett had to commend him for the ability to resist those two. By the time she heard Castle turn the tables on them, "You're the ones who have been here all week, what did you two do to piss her off?" she was too far away to hear either detective's answer to that question, though she was certain it probably started with some kind of stuttered exclamation of innocence.

She felt the comfort of routine and normalcy and she had the sudden freeing feeling that they really could do this, still be partners even if their friendship was suffering at the moment.

x.x.x

A/N: So… had to jump the timeline a little, because I had no interest in following whiny drugged Castle for three days. I hope it still flowed alright for everyone and before you ask, yes, that was a really suicide method, I just wanted to borrow it. And no, I didn't proof this as well as I should have, because it's time for bed. If it's awful, send me the typos, etc and I'll update them and repost the chapter.

Meanwhile, you guys are making me nervous now. I have 400 people waiting to get an alert for the next chapters of this story and I feel like I should be writing more than every other day because it's so inspiring.

Review that made my day: **fmd-jade**, who hoorayed with me for the accomplishment of 400,000 words (though I'm already looking forward to hitting half a million) and gave me a great quote from Beatrix Potter that makes me feel a little less like a crazy person.

Thanks to everyone for reading.


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter Twenty-Two

Life at the precinct that particular day hadn't been fast paced or adventurous, but it had taken everything Castle had to give and then some just to get this far through the day.

It had taken all of his resolve to have lighthearted conversation with the guys. It had taken all of his strength to hold the smile on his face for what felt like an eternity, all of his willpower to keep from reaching out to her. It took all of his well-practiced charm and more than a little of his remaining luck not to get busted in the few moments he had let himself slip. Mostly, it had taken every bit of his patience to keep himself from cracking completely. If they were going to do this her way, he was going to show her that he could still be counted on for whatever he had to contribute, and perhaps with a little time they could get back to where they were, or better, start off on a new path together.

When he had asked about their investigation of what had to be the craziest suicide he had ever seen, the look in her eyes was fierce. For a quick second he lost the grin as he wondered if she might actually strangle him. It wasn't until he blinked that he realized she was not directing that anger at him, in the end that made the day drag and feel even longer than it had actually been.

Beckett blaming herself or thinking she screwed up was a rare occurrence. It wasn't surprising, since she didn't screw up nearly as often as he did so she wasn't used to it. Castle couldn't help but think if they hadn't crossed that line he might know the right thing to say. Instead, his tongue felt swollen in his mouth and everything he thought to say seemed to reverberate in his own mind, echoing repeatedly until it sounded all wrong.

She had excused herself to go discuss the case with Lanie, clearly implying that she didn't want any company. He had been left to his own thoughts and soon found himself immersed in memories of the conversation he'd had with his mom the night he had been an ass to Beckett.

Martha Rogers, never one to pass up an opportunity to imbibe her life lessons on others, had seen right through the entire situation, much to his dismay. He had stirred awake long enough to hug Alexis and tell her 'Good night.' Once his daughter had disappeared upstairs, he felt his feet being shifted before his mother was sitting in the corner of the couch with his feet resting in her lap.

He had just started to drift back to sleep when he felt a pinch to the sensitive skin on the inside of his ankle. He started abruptly and tried to fix a glare on the older woman. She had been giving him a look that stopped his glare in its tracks. He had done a lot of things in his life that a mother could be disappointed in, but he hadn't seen that particular expression from his mom since he was a bored twelve year old boy.

That instance had involved acting out a scene from Star Wars that resulted in the accidental destruction of several key set pieces for the play his mom had been starring in, including a domino effect of the scene boards collapsing against each other and snapping the two-by-fours that had been supporting each piece. That instance had been the single defining moment that relegated him to permanent status in the auditorium and banishment from unsupervised access backstage.

Since then, there had been a lot of other looks, but never this blatant disappointment. "What are you doing, Richard?"

He didn't want to deal with this while his mind was still spinning with his anger that washed away into sorrow and Kate was there to witness both of those forms of breaking down. "I was trying to sleep off this headache." He replied, hoping she'd get the hint, but knowing better anyway.

"She deserves more respect than that." His mom said and he wondered if Alexis had possibly filled her in on the developments between him and Beckett. She'd be glad to know that it wouldn't be an issue again, and that he was likely to not be putting himself in harm's way anymore. After what he'd said to her, he was certain Beckett wouldn't want to talk to him again, much less work with him, and he couldn't blame her.

"You're not saying anything I don't already know." He'd responded and felt the need to add, "I do respect her."

Martha's laugh was, so obviously, fake that he noted the sarcasm before she said anything, "Right. Just like you respect her relationship with her _boyfriend_." The way she enunciated the last word was as if she were explaining something to a small child.

"Fiancé." He responded, hating the sound of the word off his tongue as it was used to describe something that was so wrong. He didn't conceal his bitter annoyance with the situation and expressed very clearly his thoughts on the subject with the utterance of the single word.

He watched her eyes soften and her expression finally shift away from the disappointment she had been leveling at him, "She told you she accepted?"

Castle looked at her quizzically for a moment. "Not exactly."

His mom graced him with an indulgent smile that was barely more than a tightening of her lips, "Richard, I love you, but sometimes I wonder what's going on in that head of yours." She shook her head at him but he could see the compassion in her features that made her final statement that much harder to hear. "You're a fool."

It was all she said, and yet somehow it was enough as they lapsed into a long silence. It was as if she were giving him time to replay all the ways in which he had been exactly that. He didn't even like to think about the man he had made himself become because of his pursuit of her, the ache she inspired in him and the blind panic combined with the intensity of his emotions surrounding her relationship with a guy that was so wrong for her.

The more he thought about it, the more he realized that he had been just as distant as Josh was, but he didn't have to leave the country for that distance. He was there for her so often, but sometimes, when she really needed him, he wasn't there. He may have been there physically, but emotionally he was as closed off as she was.

He felt a small smile tugging his lips as he realized that he had a three week reprieve from Josh's poor timing. A reprieve from having to share time with her. A reprieve from having to imagine her with Josh whenever he woke up or went to bed alone.

With that small smile growing just a little, he had hatched his devious plan to put himself in the background and do what he should have been from the beginning, just being there however she needed. That meant he had to walk back into work with confidence and pretend for now that nothing had changed even if he felt that everything was different. It was what she needed from him right now. The rest he would play by ear.

He was literally snapped from his reverie by Esposito snapping his fingers right in front of Castle's eyes. "Hey, bro, you get a concussion or something? We've been talking to you."

Castle noted that he and Ryan had stood and Ryan was headed towards the break room. He laughed, "Actually, yeah I do have a concussion, but I think taking naps for the last several days has made me a little tired and cranky around this time."

"That explains it, then." Ryan called, not slowing his pace as Esposito and Castle followed a short distance behind him.

When they entered the break room, Ryan was already preparing the cups and stating the coffee. He watched as suddenly three officers quickly left the room. He found it odd until he heard the door close and turned to see Esposito regarding him with a look that Castle had only seen the man pull out in the interrogation room.

He felt a trickle of sweat build up behind his ear as Ryan turned away from the espresso machine and joined Esposito as they slowly stalked towards him. The look in their eyes let him know clearly that he was the prey and they were on a hunt. He knew them too well to be the one to start spouting explanations. In all likelihood they were fishing and waiting for him to give up something that they though he knew and they were only pretending to already know.

"Explain." Esposito said simply, enunciating the word with enough force to let Castle know that he wasn't in the mood for games.

He almost caved, but held strong. He knew Kate wouldn't have told them. She might have said something to Lanie, but even that was high on the improbable scale. "Explain, what?" he asked, wondering when his voice began to waver oh so slightly. When his back hit the wall beside a bank of windows, Castle realized he had been slowly backing away as the two detectives continued their steady pace towards him.

Ryan took over in an ominous tone that Castle had never heard from him, "We want to know what you did to Beckett."

He felt the heat in his ears, knew that he was on the edge of giving everything away as the blush threatened to sweep his features. The sudden thought that Beckett scared him far more then these two had him shooting them a curious look, "What's wrong with Kate?"

"Oh, it's 'Kate' now?" Ryan teased in a slightly lighter pitch, though still digging for information.

He had just shown Castle all their cards and he didn't even know it. Castle knew exactly how to flip the focus, "Cut the crap, Ryan." he said, inflecting a bit of anger into his voice. He took a step towards the two of them and watched with satisfaction as Ryan, at least, took a small step back before apparently realizing what he'd done and standing tall again. "What's going on with Beckett? Is something wrong?" Castle continued, trying for concern, and if the two detectives' wide eyes were anything to go by, he had succeeded.

"Whoa." Esposito replied, holding up a hand, "Just chill. We were hoping you'd be able to tell us."

He was proud to watch the disappointment in their features as he tried to give them a confused look. Apparently, he was testing any potentially inherited acting genes today and was doing better than he would have expected. "You guys have been here." He watched as they started to step away as if they were putting an end to the conversation, because he didn't have the information they needed. He wasn't convinced that they believed he actually didn't have a hand in what was going on with their boss. He followed them as Ryan went back to making coffee and Esposito started talking to him about his Madden Super Bowl victory the night before.

"This conversation isn't over." Castle told them, greeted with twin expressions and surprised eyebrow lifts. "No way," Castle continued, "You started this; now, you're going to tell me."

"Look, bro, it's probably nothing." Esposito remarked, but stopped himself before he took a sip of the coffee Ryan had handed him. "She's just been a little off, you know, kind of snappy and distracted all week."

"All week?" Castle asked, not sure if that would have been his fault and, if it were, he was concerned about whether that was a positive sign or another black mark against him.

Ryan nodded, "Yeah, at first we thought it was something to do with your disappearing act last week."

Castle laughed that off, patting himself on the back again for his ability to inflect casualness into his demeanor when all he was really feeling was a deep ache in his gut. Hoping to change the subject he stepped up to the coffee machine Ryan had just moved away from and said casually, "It's probably because Josh ran off to Pakistan."

There was a wet sputtering sound behind him and he turned to see Ryan coughing as he got a couple of firm whacks on the back from Esposito, "Breathe, Bro."

After a moment, Ryan cleared his throat, "Wait, back up. Pakistan?"

Castle was surprised to watch Ryan almost choke himself to death on coffee, but the look in Esposito's eyes was shocking. "Yeah, another Doctors Without Borders thing, I guess. He left on Sunday." As he replied, Castle watched the subtle burn in the Hispanic detective's expression.

Interpreting the anger under the detective's surface still hadn't prepared him for the man's outburst, "That selfish son of a bitch." He seethed as his thumping on Ryan's back increased until the other detective had to step away with a grimace.

Castle couldn't help the humorless chuckle that escaped his mouth. At least he wasn't the only one who had been pissed about the doctor's actions. Watching those angry brown eyes turn to him, Castle realized he was being misinterpreted, "Sorry, just thought you might put your hand all the way through Ryan's back there for a second." He joked lamely, though what he wanted most was to commiserate with a like-minded individual on how inconsiderate the doctor in question was. Fighting the urge he continued. "Beckett's a big girl, Esposito; she can take care of herself."

The apology for laughing had seemed to calm the other man, but then he had to open his mouth again and suddenly Esposito was looking at him like he had two heads, "You don't get it, do you?" he didn't wait for a response before asking another question, "Have you ever been in a war zone, Castle?"

Castle could only shake his head as Esposito continued, "You ever have to decide in a split second which people in a crowd were the enemy and which were just in the wrong place at the wrong time? You ever have to watch a women blow herself and her children up in the middle of a grocery store or hold your buddy's guts in his body because a freaking ten year old kid walked up to you while you were eating lunch and pulled the pin on a grenade?" Esposito was shaking slightly as he towered over Castle and it seemed the only thing keeping him from physically striking out was Ryan's hand on his shoulder. "You don't understand the kind of choice he made in going over there."

"I do." Castle finally managed to get a word in edgewise, and the quiet statement had Esposito stopping to glare at him in disbelief as if he had some nerve thinking he understood. Castle swallowed around a sudden lump in his throat, "If he gets himself killed and breaks her heart, Hell won't be far enough away to keep him from the vengeance I would bring down on him."

Silence blanketed them in the wake of his statement and after a long moment, Esposito clapped him on the shoulder in camaraderie and possibly an apology for snapping at him, but Castle wasn't about to ask which. "What about when he comes home healthy and in one piece?" the detective finally broke through the quiet.

Castle shrugged, "What am I supposed to do about it?"

With a roll of his eyes that would make Beckett proud, Esposito regarded Castle with disbelief, "You're supposed to fight for what's yours, you idiot."

Castle scoffed, "She's not mine."

Ryan and Esposito shared a knowing smile before turning away from him. "They're a pair, alright." Ryan said sarcastically.

"Perceptive to nearly superhuman levels in matters of murder, but give them a matter of the heart and they can't see what's right there." Esposito responded.

Castle wasn't sure if he even wanted to follow them, considering he didn't seem included in their conversation anymore as Ryan laughed and replied, "Is this one of those 'love is blind' things?"

"Maybe if you tack on 'and incredibly stupid' to the end of that." Esposito's voice dripped ridicule and was more than a little mocking.

He couldn't hear Ryan's response as they exited the break room and continued back to their desks, but something about the way they had both looked at him before they left made him feel like he might have a couple of allies in this. Though, if they knew what had actually happened in his loft the other night, he would probably need more than a few body guards to keep him above ground.

x.x.x

A/N: I could apologize for the delay and tell you all about my daughter being out on spring break and my husband being sick as a dog, replacing my broke down car and old worn out stove, but instead I'll just say I'm glad to see you all back here for this chapter and I'll try not to have so much time between this and the next one.

Review that made my day: **daphnebeauty**, who took the time (I'm guessing on a Swype text entry system since mine sometimes gives me 'age' instead of 'she') on a tiny keyboard to type out some lovely observations, vent frustrations, and provide encouragements. You never have to wonder if I appreciate your reviews. I appreciate every one of the reviews that come in because they let me know if I'm getting my point across.

Thanks to everyone for reading.


	23. Chapter 23

Chapter Twenty-Three

Walking into the morgue was a calculated risk and Kate knew it. On one hand, she was hopeful that she'd be able to find some distance between herself and Castle. She was also hopeful that the new insight on the case would be just enough to distract her friend for the time it took for Kate to regain her bearings and feel up to facing the writer again.

As she discussed Castle's insight on the case and Lanie checked through the reports and pulled the drawer out to recheck a couple of things on the body. While the medical examiner did that, Kate flipped through the case file she had brought down, noting that the chainsaw had run out of fuel, looking at the way it had fallen to the ground near the body, noting the lack of spatter. It all added up.

She continued to flip through the file, half listening as Lanie made her own observations concerning the body. There were no wounds to the man's hands or arms that suggested he had tried to defend himself. That was one of the things that had concerned them with what was so obviously a frontal assault.

As she buried her head in the file, nodding in acknowledgement to Lanie's comments, her mind was actually on dealing with a certain writer. She hadn't missed the way he sat a little too straight in his chair or how his eyes were either avoiding her completely or focused on her with a sort of reverence. She wondered what he was thinking in those moments she spotted his expression in her peripheral vision. She wondered if they were the same thoughts that had left her breathless as she woke from a particularly vivid dream just that morning.

She felt the telltale blush threatening to overtake her and stamped down the images and memories. She surreptitiously glanced up at Lanie and noticed she was being watched, which just made her blush threaten to overtake her completely. "I hate that we wasted so much time on this." She grumbled a little too loudly, hoping that Lanie might take the heat in her face, that was certainly manifesting as a pink tinge, as embarrassment for missing what was now obvious.

"Don't be so hard on yourself, we all missed it." Lanie responded easily, turning back to shut the man's body back into his designated cooler. "Though," her friend started again as she turned back to Kate and pulled the gloves off her hands, her tone making Beckett just a little nervous for what was coming. "You weren't just hard on yourself this week."

Kate sighed; she could handle an inquiry into her mood, something she could put off on the perfect timing of Josh leaving again. She didn't really want to pull that out unless she had to, because she already felt like she'd used Josh enough already. "I'll take the guys out for drinks or something to apologize."

Lanie raised an eyebrow at her, "You planning to include Castle with 'the guys' in that statement?" The twinkle in her friend's eyes told Kate exactly what she was thinking about the detective and the writer having drinks together.

Kate let out a disgruntled sound as she closed the file folder and glared at Lanie. She wasn't ready to talk about any of it; it was all too raw and still felt so close to the surface. All she wanted to do was lock it away until she could look at it with less emotional upheaval. "If he wants to come, too, who cares?" she knew her tone was threatening to break into the defensive and in an unconscious attempt to hold to that she was surprised when she added, "Lanie, you really have to let this go. It's getting old."

Lanie just shook her head as she leaned against an autopsy table across from where Kate was standing, "Girl, you know there's something there." Her friend demanded, and Kate's stomach dropped. She had known it was coming, but was hoping for a vague reference or a joke. To have her stand there and speak so seriously was making her wish she had stayed in the bullpen with Castle. It was safer.

Lanie didn't seem to notice her discomfort and continued to rant as if she had been holding it in, "I'm damn tired of hearing all these amazing things he does for you. Then I have to hear 'he's just like that' or, I swear, someone is going to end up more than smacked if I hear the word 'friends' one more time."

"You know that's all there is. What's up with you?" Kate asked in an attempt to deflect.

Lanie's laugh didn't have much in the way of humor, "Girl, you looking for trouble or something?" she asked, but barreled on without a response from Kate, "You asking me what's up with me is really funny after the week of walking around on eggshells that Ryan and Javi had to do because you were so bent out of shape about Castle not being here."

Kate felt herself recoiling from the conversation. With a scoff, she interrupted the tornado of a woman who was actually hitting things pretty squarely on the head, "This week had nothing to do with Castle."

"Bull." Lanie said, "You might have come down here a little flustered today, but you're not as uptight as you've been all week."

"Uptight? Wow, Lanie, why don't you tell me how you really feel?" Kate replied sarcastically.

"Kate, you know I love you, girl, but you've been wound tighter than a flea's rectum."

She couldn't help herself as she laughed. This was the reason she had always been able to talk to Lanie. She hated that she couldn't right now, but the woman didn't pull any punches and Kate knew when the time came she'd listen. She'd hear Kate out, then voice her opinion on the subject with the perfect mix of sincerity and humor that always seemed to make her feel better.

Lanie glared at her, but Kate could see the miniscule tilt of her friend's lips. "So, that's it?" Lanie asked, "Castle's back and you're going to start having a sense of humor again?"

Beckett rolled her eyes, "Why does everything have to tie back to Castle in your brain?"

"I don't know," the medical examiner replied sarcastically, "Perhaps because the timing is suspicious. Castle drops off the face of the earth and you turn into a raging psycho."

Kate rolled her eyes, "It wasn't that bad, you're being a little over the top there."

"Whatever you say." She replied with a knowing smile.

As much as she hated dragging him through the mud, Kate said, "What if it was Josh? Did you even think about the guy that's actually been in my life?"

Lanie shrugged, "Not really." She said easily, "Whenever it's Josh you can't wait to vent with me. Then we get together, have too many drinks, eat pizza at two in the morning and wake up feeling like crap." She pinned Kate down with a powerful glare, "I don't remember waking up with you on my couch and a raging headache in the past week."

Kate didn't have any response to that. The more she thought about it, Lanie was right; there was an established pattern that involved her friend commiserating with her. More than once in the past six months she was certain she interrupted her friend's plans, but Lanie had dropped everything to be there for her. "I have to get back upstairs." She responded instead, attempting for a quick and painless exit.

"Do whatever you have to do, but we're going to have this conversation eventually."

Kate felt a wave of relief as her friend relented. She was almost to the door when she heard Lanie's phone chime. Just as she felt the freedom of that unique combination of the cool metal door pushed from her palm and the warmer air in the hallway outside the morgue, she felt a shiver run down her spine.

"Katherine Beckett!" Lanie called out, stopping her in her tracks. She was afraid to turn around, but stopped her forward momentum. "Girl, if you walk out that door I'll follow you upstairs to smack you and we'll have this conversation in the middle of the bullpen." Kate didn't respond as she waited for whatever it was that Lanie had apparently received. "Josh is in Pakistan?"

Feeling a wave of relief, because that played just fine into her distraction technique from earlier she let the door close and turned back to her friend. "Yeah, you know Josh. Always saving the world."

Lanie clicked her tongue disapprovingly and Kate wasn't a fan of the expression on her friend's face. It was the subtle hint of excitement that made Beckett's stomach drop as if the information or confirmation was enough to inspire some devious thought or another. "Nuh uh." Her friend replied shaking her head and piercing Kate with her gaze. "He left on Sunday?"

Kate could only nod numbly as she tried to figure out where Lanie was coming from here. As soon as she confirmed it, though, she realized there was some mistake in her answer as Lanie's grin grew wider and she moved closer to Kate. 

"So," Lanie drew out the word as if Kate needed more suspense in the situation, "If Josh left on Sunday, who left this," she flicked a finger in the collar of Kate's shirt just above where Castle as left his mark on her, "on your skin Monday night?"

She felt the heat in her face almost immediately, but when she opened her mouth nothing came out. She could lie, she could mention an ex, a new guy, say Lanie was mistaken and it was there on Monday from Josh on Sunday, but some part of her was loath to deny who had marked her skin as much as she had been marked where it wasn't visible. She was tired, though. Tired from lack of sleep, tired from overthinking everything, tired of holding everything inside, she sighed.

She didn't exactly answer the question as she replied, "Oh, shut up, Lanie." It wasn't a denial of what the medical examiner was thinking, so without actually coming right out and saying the other woman was right, she had still confirmed it.

With her friend's mouth hanging wide open, Kate took the opportunity to sweep out of the room and head back upstairs hoping that hadn't been just another mistake to add to the list of them that was piling up against her this week.

x.x.x

A/N: Well, that was harder than I thought it would be, and that's saying a lot considering I thought it would be difficult. Still not happy with Lanie's voice here, but I'm not going to spend another whole day tweaking it, so we're moving forward now. I got hit hard on Friday with whatever Chris was sick with a few days ago and have been feeling awful, my daughter is now down sick too, so it may be a few days before anything else is up.

Review that made my day: **lisahoo1**, because it really is true that TV and fanfic are so much more fun than real life problems.

Thanks to everyone for reading.


	24. Chapter 24

It seems in all the confusion with FF being down that some of you may have missed the last update (Kate and Lanie in the morgue, to refresh the memory for those that aren't sure, but did read it). Either I lost half of the readers on this story in one chapter (which I'm thinking doesn't seem likely) or you just missed last chapter with all the trouble on the site. If you're not sure, check it out so you're not confused.

Chapter Twenty-Four

Having watched Kate sweep into the bullpen, a slight pink tinge to her features, left Castle wondering if she had been discussing the week's events with Lanie. Something about the way she avoided his gaze confirmed it and he knew soon enough Esposito would also know and that was going to be the end of him.

Figuring he had nothing to lose, he waited until everyone was getting ready to leave for the day before he extended an invitation for Beckett to join him at Remy's for dinner.

"I don't think that's a good idea." She replied, shrugging into her coat.

Castle tried for his best attempt at a comforting smile, "I just want to get back to where we were, Kate. I don't want to lose the friendship we built."

Kate nodded, her understanding and obvious agreement clear in her features, but a sad smile pulling at the edges of her mouth, "Just give me some time."

He resigned to her point and went home alone to her "Night, Castle" and for the first time in several days hope rose in him as he replied "Until tomorrow, Detective."

He could have sworn he saw her smile at those words as she turned to leave, but from his angle he couldn't be certain. On some level, he was alright with that form of uncertainty.

It was with a growing sense of trepidation that he approached their working relationship. He knew he was interested in something more and some part of him was finally willing to believe she might be as well, at least on some level. Still, he was experiencing an odd amount of uncertainty.

Somehow, he found the energy every day to roll out of bed, the strength to smile and go through the motions as he waited for a moment that felt right. Every night he thought back on the half dozen moments he had to tell her what everything had meant to him and sleep alluded him all too often as he talked himself up to not letting them pass the next day.

Every day he waited for the other shoe to drop. He waited for Beckett to cave first or just kick him out; he could admit to himself that one of those options sounded distinctly better than the other. He waited for Lanie to say something, but she just gave them knowing looks whenever they entered or left her domain or talked with her at a crime scene. He waited for Esposito to corner him again, this time with threats of bodily harm, but the way the other man acted it was as if Kate had pulled the 'friend card' and Lanie was keeping whatever the detective had shared with her to herself.

It took three more nights before she finally relented and ended the evening with him at Remy's. It felt familiar, relaxed but intimate at the same time.

They were careful in the conversation topic and tried to keep everything related to work or a third party. He knew she felt the weight of the elephant in the room just as much as he did, but together they did what they seemed to do best aside from catching killers and avoided pushing.

A few nights later he and the boys talked her into celebratory drinks at The Old Haunt after solving their latest case. They encouraged her with the fact that it was Friday and what could be their last one without work the next day for at least three weeks of being on call over the weekend. A couple of drinks in, Castle stopped caring about the suspicious looks he and Kate were getting from Lanie and dragged the detective from the booth with a challenge to stomp her in a game of pool.

Kate reluctantly agreed, but the way she took her shots, leaning over the table, was just distracting enough to throw him off his game. He'd never had so much fun getting his butt kicked. It felt like it had before everything had gotten complicated. Light teasing, some bickering and a little trash talking sprinkled with the occasional eye roll. On the other hand, he thought he noted a slight shift in their proximity and boundaries over how the night might have played out a few weeks earlier.

Where she would have stepped back as he moved between her and the table to take up position, now she stood her ground. As he thought about it, a casual brush past each other was, at this late stage of the game, nothing. It was something so minuscule in comparison to the parts of each other they had touched and tasted, the parts they had shared, that he figured the simple act of stepping away was no longer even on the radar for avoidance of danger. He wasn't complaining.

She laughed and the sound was like music to his ears. It wasn't the strained or shadowed laughter she had over the past week. There was a lightness to it that he hadn't heard in a while. "I don't understand how you could spend your young adult life in a bar and still be this bad at pool."

He just gave her a shrug, not willing to admit that his head wasn't in the game. "I didn't think I was doing that badly."

With a subtle shake of her head, "You're not bad, really." She replied. "You're," she trailed off as if pondering the right word. "Simple."

He gave a heavy sigh as he took up position, "Just because I don't do crazy trick shots, does not make me 'simple'." He said the word as if it left a bitter taste in his mouth, but he was sure to look up from his aim for a moment to give her a small smile so she wouldn't misinterpret the tone. "It just makes more sense to be direct." He turned his gaze back to line up the shot, briefly wondering if he should apply that philosophy to more than just pool. "You're bouncing all around the table and I can just do this." He tapped the cue ball and watched it gently approach the three, destined to kiss the edge and knock the red orb sideways into the corner pocket. The only problem with that was watching as the cue ball missed entirely.

He noticed the mischievous delight shining in Beckett's eyes and prepared himself for the taunting that was certainly headed his way. Instead of a taunt, she declared she was "hitting the rewind button." as she grabbed the ball off the table and placed it back where it had been before his attempt. "What the heck was that?" she asked with a laugh at his expense.

"I was trying to just catch the edge, send it to the corner pocket." He tried to explain, but watching her amused smirk told him he was doing a poor job of it.

Kate pointed to the side of the table, "Go over there." She was standing beside him a moment later, bent down braced against the table with her hands and her eyes were nearly level with the felt surface. After a moment he realized she probably wanted him to look where she was looking as opposed to at her posterior and he took up a similar posture. "You have to bank it over there and then here, it's too close to the bumper and you don't have the skill for what you're trying to pull off."

"Oh, that's a low blow." Castle felt the rest of his comment forming and tramped it down. Now was not a time to reference her experience with his 'skills' so instead he gave a humorous scoff, "So, your answer to my inability to make a hard shot is to give me a harder one?" 

Kate stood up and used her cue stick to gesture along the table as she explained. "This way it's simple math as opposed to dumb luck." She concluded after describing to him where to aim in order to bank the shot off two sides and hit his target at the correct angle.

Castle grinned, "But that's the kind of luck I'm good at."

Her only reaction to his comment was a small smile before she was suddenly all business. Kate gestured to the table, pointing one more time at the spot on the felt covered edge that he was supposed to be aiming at. Almost as soon as he connected with the cue ball, Beckett's stick was flat against the table stopping the ball before it could crash into her striped ones.

With a sigh that was more humored than actually put-upon, she moved it back to the same spot again before turning an amused smile his direction. "Seriously, Castle, it's not rocket science." She gestured for him to go again, but as he lined up, she braced a hand on the table and moved her head close to his so they were both looking down his cue stick. With her free hand she adjusted the angle just slightly, "See that?"

He nodded, not sure if he could talk, much less take a shot as he felt the warmth of her from so close and his mind was instantly plagued with memories of exactly how much heat she generated. She pulled back and then a gentle touch against his elbow had him lowering it just slightly until his cue stick was lined up dead center on the white ball. In his peripheral vision he saw her take a step back to watch.

"Now give it a good hard stroke," he wondered if she had any idea what she was doing to him. "Don't go crazy." She amended quickly and he thought for a moment he might be, because from his peripheral vision she seemed to have flustered herself with the statement. "You don't want the cue ball to follow your three into the pocket."

He tried not to adjust himself from how she'd positioned him. He wasn't a bad pool player, but bringing in more than a couple of angles, taking the ball across two sides and getting the right speed on it was not something he was confident in while he warred with his mind to stop picturing Beckett spread across the table as divested her of her clothing and kissed a heated trail across her.

Some part of him was excited for the challenge, even as he fought the imaged fantasy. The fantasies had only become more vivid since he now knew exactly how she tasted, exactly how she moved, and how to make her moan long and low in her throat. Castle pulled back and then brought his stick forward with a _whack_. He stood up immediately as he watched the ball hit the exact spot she had pointed out on the table and bounce back across.

He shifted the cue stick to his left hand as they watched the ball ricochet off the table near them and start directly towards the one he had been aiming at earlier. Castle pointed a finger at the ball rolling across the table, as if his intense focus could encourage it to move as intended. The impact with the three ball was a quiet click and he watched the cue ball stop in its track as the red three began to slowly roll towards the hole.

He felt Beckett, close beside him, as he watched the ball roll. He was practically humming with anticipation as the red sphere slowly approached the corner pocket. The last few inches were excruciating as the ball rolled so slowly that he was certain every second it would stop moving all together.

It seemed as if they were both on edge while the ball moved, almost in slow motion. It reached the edge of the pocket and stopped. He was about to let out a frustrated sound when it teetered briefly and then fell in. He let out a 'whoop' and pumped his fist in the air. "How freaking cool was that?" he asked excitedly as his arm somehow found its way around Kate's waist, pulling her tight against his side.

He felt her tense immediately and dropped his hand, stepping away and holding the hand out with its palm towards her as if to ward off an attack, though physical or verbal he wasn't sure. "Sorry." He said quickly, not meeting her eyes, because he was sure she'd be able to tell that he wasn't sorry for the gesture. However, having so easily disrupted the casual and comfortable mood they had been sharing was something he regretted. He hated that it was that easy to throw them back into awkwardness.

Frustrated, he missed the next shot and Kate finished off her last two balls quickly, sank the 8 ball and it was game over. They had finished in silence, and she seemed to keep the table between them whenever possible.

Without a word she returned her pool cue to the rack and slid into the booth beside Lanie. He continued to clear the table and gathered himself, preparing to paste on a smile he didn't feel or just excuse himself to go home and tuck in Alexis. Instead, he watched as Beckett gestured to Lanie and they both got up and moved to the bar. A moment later, Lanie was back to give Esposito a kiss as she waved to all of them and grabbed not only her own coat, but Kate's as well.

They were out the door before Castle even had a chance to process that Kate was running again. He hated that she was so frustrating. It was nothing, or it shouldn't have been, anyway. It should have gotten his ear twisted or his nose pinched, but somehow instead it twisted in his chest with a pain that wouldn't be relieved with a simple release of her grip.

All the groundwork seemed to have been wiped away with the single impulsive action and he felt like he was starting from square one. It was confirmed with the way they avoided conversation the following day and into the next.

It was three hours into what he was calling "Reconstruction, day two, take two" before she said a single word to him or even acknowledged his presence. It was the familiar "You coming, Castle?" as she headed out to run down leads, that put a smile on his face as he grabbed his coat and followed her.

There was something in her eyes as the elevator doors closed them in, something in the way the side of her mouth turned up just slightly, that gave him that hope back. Then the teasing about how quiet he had been started and he felt like he could breathe again.

She gave him a sly grin as the elevator car descended, and launched into a lightly teasing, but amusing theory that the new quiet Castle was a pod person.

In keeping with her theory that he was being eerily quiet, and also not wanting to spoil the moment with innuendo, he bit his tongue to keep from remarking on how much he had rubbed off on her. Instead he opted for a safer direction as he moaned in frustration and replied, "Pod people? How boring." As she rolled her eyes he continued, "If you're going to plot the ridiculous, you could at least do something cool."

He thought for a moment as the doors opened and they made their way out to her car, "Like, the quiet me is actually the product of a covert CIA program for cloning influential members of society. See, they would have a whole underground farm of these movers and shakers, lying in wait for some certainly nefarious plot. However, being essentially me, my clone would get bored holed up underground with a bunch of stuffy people. So, one day he hatches a plan and suddenly, the real Rick Castle is down in a basement with a bunch of clones and Clone Rick is walking the Earth with none-the-wiser. Except, there's one thing he didn't count on for his master plan," he let the end dangle between them for a moment, expecting her to ask what, but when he looked across the top of the car her expression told him she knew what he was about to say, "The one and only Detective Kate Beckett."

"There's a major flaw in your theory there, Castle." She told him as they climbed in her car and got situated. When he cocked an eyebrow at her, he could see the humor threatening to lift her lips in a smile, but it never took hold as she waited for him to respond.

"What? That the real Rick Castle couldn't be dragged away from his life, even by what is likely a genetically altered super version of himself?" He smiled across the car at her and waited.

Kate shook her head and the smile finally moved across her lips. "For this theory to be plausible, first you'd have to be an 'influential member of society'."

He was momentarily sidetracked with completely inappropriate thoughts of that particular smile coupled with a twinkle in her eyes and the ways he now knew that little smile looked on her slightly parted lips while she fought to regain her breath with the flush of passion still heavy on her cheeks. He almost missed her answer, but regained himself in time to react with the appropriate level of mock disbelief.

From there, everything seemed to feel easy again, of course perhaps it was just the fact that they were constantly on the move after leaving the precinct and neither had a chance to think too much about their issues as they caught a break and hauled a suspect in. At the end of the day, confession in hand, and paperwork tucked away, he was surprised when a loud rumble interrupted the silence that they had been comfortably sharing since Ryan and Esposito had called it a night a while ago.

Looking at his watch, he wasn't surprised at the obnoxious sound his stomach had made when he realized it was after eight. He was surprised, however, by the soft chuckle that Kate had in reaction to his stomach's protest at being left empty.

He was about to remark on her lack of compassion for his predicament when she stood and grabbed her coat, "Remy's?" she asked.

He was slightly stunned by the offer, but not enough that he didn't try to push his luck a little, "Too greasy." He responded with a mild grimace, "Italian?"

She surprised him again by shrugging and casually agreeing to his change of venue.

It wasn't until they were settled across from each other at an actual table with linens and cloth napkins that he caught a momentary uncertainty cross her features. It felt entirely too intimate. It felt more like a date than a couple of co-workers grabbing a bite to eat after a long day. He knew this type of outing was pushing the bounds they had been trying to put back into place, but in that moment the only thing he cared about was trying to get her not to ditch him in the middle of the restaurant when she fled.

He racked his brain quickly and then said the first thing he could think of that didn't have anything to do with either of them, "Alexis is leaving for England next weekend."

He felt a moment of pride in himself as he watched Beckett's discomfort dissipate. The relief was short live as his stomach clenched from the look of genuine curiosity and if he wasn't mistaken, compassion, in her features as she read his discomfort and asked, "What's in England?"

He had wanted to talk about this with someone who didn't shush him as overbearing and overprotective the way his mom had done or roll their eyes as Alexis did. It seemed the two women in his life didn't think he was being reasonable with the comments he had been making over the past week, "Oxford." He replied, the frustration clear in the single word. "She's checking out the campus with some girls from school."

He hadn't expected the contact, and almost pulled away when her hand covered his on the table. "What does that mean in the Castle Universe?"

He scoffed at that, but of course, how could she know what was going on when they hadn't been talking much over the past couple of weeks. "She was accepted to start there in the fall."

Now the compassion and that little smile he knew was on her face just to comfort him was overwhelming. He pulled his hand out from under hers and tried for casual as he lifted his water glass to have a sip of it. The act itself was unnecessary for hydration, but it gave him a minute to gather his thoughts and the perfect excuse to break eye contact with Kate. He was having a hard time with the line blurring when she looked at him like that.

"Has she already decided that's where she's going?" Kate asked and there was a genuine interest in her tone.

He wasn't blind, he had noticed the little things between Kate and Alexis, but he also hadn't built it up as being anything substantial. For Alexis, the draw was probably how easy Beckett was to be around, talk to, and the wealth of advice she had built up in her life made her a valuable person to go to with problems. For Beckett, he had always assumed it was simply her compassionate and caring nature. He thought it might be a kindred spirit kind of things because Alexis didn't really have a mother in her life either and Kate knew what it was like to be a teen without a mom, so she had made herself available to help his daughter puzzle through things in the past. He wondered if this might have been one of those times.

"I don't know." He replied, and then suddenly found himself nervous, "Why? Did she talk to you about it?"

Beckett shook her head, a slightly sad expression crossing her face, "No, sorry. This is the first I've heard of it." He watched something cross her face that looked a little too dark for thoughts of another person's kid going away to college across an ocean, but she took a card from his playbook and slowly sipped her water. "You do know that you're incredibly wealthy and you could go live there with her, right?"

Something about the expression on her face made him wonder if she was upset that he might take the idea she had, but it was gone so quickly that he wondered if it were the opposite. Was she trying to get rid of him? Castle shrugged, "Nothing's final yet."

He saw her understanding that he wasn't interested in pursuing this line of conversation and she asked him about his mom's acting school. They made small talk until the waiter came back with their wine and took their dinner orders. He saw the ghost of a smile on Beckett's face as the waiter left to get their orders in to the kitchen.

"Vegetarian Lasagna?" she asked, unable to hid her humor.

Castle just shrugged, "I told you I'm not in the mood for anything greasy and thinking about meat right now makes my stomach feel unsettled."

She regarded him for a long moment, jokes about his dinner choice apparently forgotten as he saw the familiar crease in her brow, "If you're sick we could do this another time." She finally suggested with no hint as to her preference either way

It left him wondering if she was looking for a way out or if she was just being compassionate. He held his response longer than necessary as he considered her and finally settled on the latter. "I'm not sick." He replied, giving her a reassuring smile, "Though I wonder about what opinions you must have of my eating habits that ordering a vegetable dish is causing such concern for my health. I couldn't possibly be fueled entirely by cheeseburgers and coffee."

"I know." She responded simply, letting silence take them for another brief moment, "Sometimes you eat hotdogs, too."

Castle smiled at that and lifted his glass, tipping it slightly in her direction to acknowledge the joke with a mock toast. "Very true." He replied simply.

x.x.x

A/N: To tell the truth I don't know how well this fits with what I've already written, but if you know my writing style then you'll understand that what pops out is just what happens and then you guys get it no matter how uncomfortable it makes me.

I know, technically, this helps demonstrate how they're struggling to get back to their dynamic from before, but I fought this chapter tooth and nail because it's not the same style as my other chapters. In the end, I gave in and had some fun (between bouts of fever) writing this. Except for the part where it never ended and became the longest chapter in history, at least in my brief history of writing fanfic. It still wasn't finished, but I wrestled the rest away and moved it over to start chapter 25.

Review that made my day: **Beetlebug**, for telling me to go with where my heart tells me, which I have apparently taken very literally in this latest chapter, much to my own frustration. But, alas, my brain boiled by fever demands I give my characters a little reprieve from drama and heartache.

Thanks to everyone for reading.


	25. Chapter 25

Chapter Twenty-Five

Beckett was tired. It wasn't a kind of tired that allowed her to fall into bed and sleep; it was the kind of tired that set her on edge. She was tired of wondering when the other shoe was going to drop. She was tired of trying to figure out another person's motivations. Mostly, she was so tired of lying awake at night arguing with herself.

She knew it would be so easy. It was simple, really. She knew that all she had to do to get the conversation started was the utterance of five simple words, 'I broke up with Josh.' She knew that would lead them to some kind of resolution, what that resolution was, she wasn't sure about, but that's all it would take to start the ball rolling.

She knew why she didn't say anything. As much as she wanted to, something in her warned that if she mentioned it that would be the beginning of the end for them. Castle's actions the day he thought she was going to marry Josh had been very telling. He had spoken so many deep and profound thoughts, all but said he felt something meaningful for her, but that was when he thought she was someone else's.

When it all came down, after he had her, he walked away. It wasn't the leaving that got to her. If it had been just that, she knew the whole conversation would be easier to have. It was the fact that she had opened herself up to him, confessed to feelings she hadn't, until that moment, even allowed herself to admit in her own head. Once the words were out of her mouth, she was surprisingly relieved as if she had been keeping some big dark secret. Silence had blanketed her until sleep won out again and when she woke the next morning he was gone.

That was the message she was left warring with on the occasions that she almost found the admission of her current relationship status coming to light. She knew it was ridiculous, especially when she had no intention of pursuing anything with him as things currently stood. Not that it was a worry, other than the physical; he hadn't offered her anything else. She knew that was the crux of the problem. While he had never made a secret of wanting her in bed, he made no promises. Her confession of having feelings for him had been more than enough to scare him away. It was all the proof she needed to keep her away from him.

Then, to have him offer some kind of friends with benefits option to her while Josh was away seemed to cement the conviction that he wanted nothing more than the physical from her. There was another side that was at war with that first bitter, angry and frustrated side. It was the part of her that held out hope for something more. Held out hope that there was some kind of explanation for his actions, though what that could possibly be she didn't know. It was the doubt the first side of her internal argument needed to blow holes in all her theories on the writer's positive character.

She knew him. He wasn't this guy her anger was building him up as being. He probably didn't mean to hurt her like he had, they were friends and she trusted him. She was certain he trusted her too, and perhaps that close proximity and mutual respect had put the note of jealousy in him. The dancing they did around each other for so long had built until it seemed like it was something more. He probably actually thought there was something there, but once he had it in his hands, he realized that he didn't want to be tied down.

He wasn't the same man she had met those years ago, she knew that he wasn't traipsing around town sleeping with any number of women. His own confession that there hadn't been anyone since Gina was enough to prove that point. However, not having endless strings of sexual relationships didn't mean that he was interested in any kind of monogamous relationship. Her confession of feelings in that moment probably felt like a prison sentence to a man who had made no secret of his interest to avoid serious commitment.

She could easily guess what had gone through his mind in those moments after her confession. His brain working a mile a minute as he saw a life with her play out and realized that no matter how much he _thought_ he had wanted something with her, in actuality, he hadn't been ready or willing or interested. Whichever it was, she wasn't sure, but none of them seemed particularly appealing from her perspective.

It had taken a lot out of her to watch him come in and act like nothing had changed when she was significantly altered. He pushed for things to go back to normal. He brought coffee, made jokes, invited her out to Remy's, and even told her straight that he wanted their friendship back. The moment had felt like a slap to the face and she asked for time.

They did end up at Remy's eventually and the days passed without incident. Things started to feel normal again and on some level she started to accept the parts of him he was willing to offer. Having his friendship had always been worth it. It had always been enough. Knowing how he felt inside her, how he tasted against her mouth, or how quickly he had learned all the spots on her body that drove her crazy, had gotten in the way of that knowledge for a few days.

She couldn't stop the thoughts that swamped her as she waited for sleep. The stupid hope that still seemed to burn in her chest when she thought about telling him about Josh. She hated to admit it, even to herself, that she was scared of his reaction. She wasn't worried that he'd try to start a physical relationship with her when he found out. She knew that was a possibility, and she wasn't sure whether she'd be willing to take that much from him when she saw so much more than that as possible for them. No, what worried her, what kept her up at night and left its mark in the form of black smudges under her eyes, was the opposite.

Her concern in actually telling him was that it would be the end of her wondering. It could mark the end of her hope on the subject and she wasn't ready to deal with the ramifications to her heart if he found out about the end of her relationship and he took it in stride. If he didn't want her after he found out he could have her. It was as scary as her initial confession should have been. The idea that his reaction would be less than favorable was becoming more and more obvious with every day that passed with them as 'just friends' again.

It all seemed to come so easy to him and sometimes she let it get to her. Sometimes she just wanted to push him, to force a reaction, but she didn't.

When they went out for drinks with everyone, it felt good. They laughed and joked like old times and she felt good. Playing pool with him had been just what she needed to cement the resolve she was building up. Having fun in a platonic setting, as they had so many times before. She taunted him, he waggled his eyebrows and said something outrageous, she rolled her eyes. It was them, and it felt right. She knew she might never have more, but it had showed her that it might still be enough.

Then he had missed that shot. She hadn't noticed at first, her eyes distracted by tight denim as she stood behind and to the left of him while he took the shot. It wasn't until after she showed him how to make it and the ball finally fell that everything shifted again. It was like being thrown right back to the start again when he pulled her against him.

It was mixed messages and it was messing with her head. She couldn't take it. She finished the round and retreated to the group. Lanie caught her eyes and the silently communicated that they needed to talk. Once they were away from the guys, it didn't take her friend long to convince Kate that they should go back to her place to enjoy some alcohol in the privacy of the detective's house.

She had spilled her guts to her friend that night. She watched as Lanie went from gushing over Castle's confession to her, to gasping at Kate's, to shock at the writer leaving. Lanie defended Castle at every stop until they got to the night in Castle's loft when he had offered to distract her and be her guy on the side until Josh came back. Lanie had been pissed at Castle, but Beckett talked her down.

They both drank too much and stayed up too late, but Kate felt better not having to wear all the weight of it on herself. Lanie had made some valid points and on some level the side of her that still believed there was a chance for her and Castle took those words and stored them away. She pulled them out again the next night and several times over the following days at work. She was glad when they caught the killer, but surprised that Castle stuck around while she did the paperwork.

"Maybe there's something else there that you're not seeing." Lanie had said and it reverberated in her mind until his stomach growling had cut into her thoughts. She felt herself bolstering with the knowledge that she couldn't go on the way things were without developing an ulcer. What that thought in mind, conviction to finally just tell him about Josh, she asked him if he wanted to grab dinner at Remy's.

Despite the casual manner in which Castle had suggested Italian over Remy's, and pointed out the fact that they were trying to get back to the easy camaraderie they'd shared in the past, she had a momentary urge to get up and leave as soon as they were seated in the Italian restaurant. It wasn't the eating or the company; she had been the one to suggest dinner. It was sitting at a table with a finely pressed white table cloth. It was feeling the thick cloth napkin and being greeted by a waiter that was wearing a tie.

Beckett was surprised that a few words about Castle's daughter and the writer's obvious discomfort with the thought of his girl being so far away could wipe away all the negative thoughts she had been letting seep into her since they had arrived at the restaurant. She hadn't been thrilled with her own observation about how easy it would be for Castle to up and relocate to another country, but it was an observation she felt she had to make, if for no other reason than to reassure him that she was ok with their decision to try and stay friends. It's what a friend would have suggested, but it didn't make her feel any less sick of the thought.

As they continued to eat and make small talk, she was surprised that the negativity didn't return, but she did talk herself out of telling him what she had intended when they set out to eat together.

When they had finished dinner and walked outside, the cold air was a shock that sent a shiver through her. Without a word, Castle hailed a cab and held the door for her. She didn't realize his intent until he was climbing in beside her. He gave the cabbie her address and they settled into silence as the cab pulled into a sea of other cars.

A sudden thought occurred to her. "Alexis mentioned an interest in Harvard or Columbia; did she not get into either of them?"

Castle's smile was unexpected considering the conversation had initially put him in a sour mood, but she could see the pride shining in his eyes. "She's amazing. She was accepted to all of her top five choices, the big three, Columbia and Oxford."

"Wow." Beckett responded as the information sank in, "So she pretty much has the entire world at her fingertips."

Castle nodded, and she watched the pride pull him out of his frustration, "She has received more accepted applications to schools than I thought she even applied to." His smile turned a little wistful as he continued, "She didn't even try to use me to get in. They all want her, because she worked hard, not because of who her dad is."

"You know," Kate said as she watched the streets pass by and knew she was only a few minutes from home if traffic held steady. "I think she'll pick Columbia or Harvard."

Castle cocked an eyebrow at her, looking as if he was not really letting himself get his hopes up about his little girl flying halfway across the world to live for years without him being close to her. 

"She seems to be interested in the law programs there." She replied and turned her head towards him to watch a moment of contemplation cross his features.

He considered her, looking mildly uncomfortable. "Law? When did she talk to you about that?"

Kate shrugged, suddenly feeling like she had shared something that was spoken to her in confidence, but remembering no request to keep the information to herself, Kate spoke, "A couple months ago, I guess."

"You're not saying," Castle stopped as if working to control something that was burning in him, "She didn't say she wanted to be a cop or anything, did she?"

Kate gave him a little smile and thought about stringing him along. One look at the concern in his eyes was enough to stop that thought in its tracks. "She didn't say she was decided on a career path, but she seemed more interested in the courtroom type than the gritty streets kind."

She felt his hand grab hers and squeeze it, but he didn't seem to notice what he was doing. Despite the fact that it put that same uncomfortable feeling in her stomach that his holding her at the bar had, she fought against it. He was worried, this was what he needed and as a friend she could do this without pushing him away further.

"Oh, thank God." He said, and she heard the sincere relief in him. "Not to speak ill on your profession, because you know I have the utmost respect for you, but I couldn't take the worry." She didn't know what to say to that, but apparently the silence didn't bother him. After a moment of internal thought he spoke again, "I don't know how your dad does it without going completely catatonic."

"I think that's more a case of the less you know the better." She said as the cabbie pulled up outside her apartment.

Castle agreed as he opened the door and stepped out so she could slide out of the cab.

She couldn't stop herself from reaching out to rejoin their hands and giving him a little squeeze. "I really don't think she'll go that far away for school. She'd miss you too much."

She didn't think much of her reassurance, but apparently he did as his eyes sparkled with gratitude. She went to pull her hand back and he squeezed gently as if asking her not to let go. A moment later she watched as if unable to move as he closed the space between them. She thought he was going to kiss her, but his lips brushed softly against her cheek.

Beckett didn't realize her eyes had closed until she opened them to see him smiling shyly at her, "Thanks, Kate."

Another moment of silence followed her nod of response. His expression was so open and honest; she felt the tension in her ease suddenly washed away under his gaze. She had just opened her mouth to spill what she had been keeping to herself for over a week, when her phone rang.

She pulled it out as Castle released her hand, "Beckett." She tapped Castle's arm as he went to turn back to the cab and shook her head. She gestured for him to get something to write with out and then gave him an address.

It was back to work for her. She suggested he head home, but he refused and they shared the cab back to the precinct to retrieve her car.

When they arrived at the scene, Castle paled at the sight of the victim and for the first time since she's known him, he turned and walked out of the cramped alley. She watched him take up position against a corner of the building at the mouth of the alleyway before turning her attention back to the body.

She didn't blame him when she heard the retching and looked to see him lose his lasagna in the trash can out by the street. Kids were always the hardest and the way the young body was laid out, made is worse than most of the scenes they had been to before. With a heavy sigh to steel herself against the emotions that she couldn't afford to let overtake her, she turned to Lanie, "What do we got?"

x.x.x

A/N: Turns out I didn't lose you guys, the traffic counter is down again. I'd rather the traffic count be broken than have the update process down like it was last week. Who's with me on that? Everyone? Yeah, I thought so.

I didn't have time to proof this beyond spelling and grammar, if it doesn't make sense, I'm very sorry, but my life got crazy… Drama central with the ex (daughter's dad) breaking his supervised visit orders and everything is a huge mess. So, anyway, things may get a little crazy over the next few weeks and I wanted to let you know in advance that my updates might only be 2 or 3 a week for a while.

Review that made my day: **Freewheeler**, not because I think it's ok to ignore your vacation or anything, but it makes me feel really good to hear that I have that kind of literary pull for you. I'm glad you're enjoying the ride, now go to the beach or something and enjoy your trip, because we just had snow a couple days ago and I'm so very jealous of your island vacation!

Thanks to everyone for reading.


	26. Chapter 26

Chapter Twenty-Six

Castle felt like he might be suffering some new ailment he would coin "emotional whiplash". One minute he was standing beside Beckett, her hand in his, comforting words on her lips and he couldn't seem to stop himself from doing the one thing he had been telling himself was a bad idea. As he leaned in and watched her eyes flutter closed, he had the momentary thought that she might want him to kiss her as much as he wanted to do it.

At the last instant, he grabbed hold of his control and shifted to brush his lips gently over her cheek. It wasn't the contact he had initially intended, but even that sent a rush of warmth through him.

Watching as her eyes stayed closed a moment after he pulled away; he felt that now familiar tug in his chest. When soft green eyes finally met his and didn't look away, he knew. He didn't know how he was so certain when everything had been such a mess, but he knew there was something shifting in them and for the first time in almost two weeks; he actually believed the shift was going to be positive.

He saw the moment of hesitation in her eyes, followed by what he could only interpret as steely resolve, before Beckett's lips parted to speak.

The sound of her phone ringing had been like a blow to the gut, because it was yet another reminder of how supremely messed up their timing was. He had never been so tempted to grab her phone and throw it against the side of a building before. He'd actually done it to his own phone, at times, but never considered it for hers. The potential ramifications of the act had always kept even the thought of it at bay. In this moment, he almost couldn't control the compulsion.

When he realized she wanted him to take something down for her, he was sufficiently distracted from the thought as he jotted the address in his little notepad before he followed her back into the cab.

The ride toward the precinct was quick and quiet, but as they loaded into her car to head out to the scene he found himself curious, "Why would they call you? Is this going to be a weird one, because I'm pretty sure you just put in a damn near twelve hour day?"

Beckett sighed and he could see that the exhaustion of their long day, even with the good feelings that come along with catching the bad guy, was wearing on her. "It didn't take long for this to go up the line. The Captain called personally to let me know that we were requested to head this up. It came from much higher than him."

Castle felt that familiar excitement when they got a case that wasn't run of the mill. The 'freaky ones' that Beckett liked, tended to be the most influential cases in his building of villains. Though, the more time he spent with her, the more he realized that as exciting as it is to venture into the motives behind the crazy things people did to each other, when it was all boiled down, even the freaky ones generally fell under the same common motives. Greed, sex, revenge. There wasn't much that they hadn't experienced, and he was curious if this would be any different than the rest.

"Must be someone important to pull you in after a twelve hour day." Castle mused. Beckett just made a non-committal noise as she drove them towards the scene and his mind wandered. "I bet it's a diplomat or some kind of foreign national. Ooh, you know who it is?" he saw the look she shot him from the corner of her eye as she navigated traffic, but before she was fully on the road he noticed the slight quirk of her lips and pushed on with his excitement, because at least it would prove a light distraction. "There was a concert last night, you know who's in town right now?" he didn't wait for an answer, "Blake Shelton, and if we're going to the scene of his murder, I swear there's two things I already know. My mom is going to be seriously ticked off, she loves that guy."

Silence followed his statement, but he waited patiently, knowing she'd eventually give in. "What's the second thing?" she asked, as he knew she would.

"I know who the killer is." He responded, watching as she didn't take her eyes off the road except to move skyward in a very slight roll as she waited him out. "His liver."

She harrumphed, but he saw the smile play across her lips before she could swipe it away. He congratulated himself as she pulled up near the taped off alleyway. If they were going to work again without much of a break after such a long day, then he was glad she was at least in a mood that still allowed her to smile a bit, even if it was obviously in spite of her better judgment.

They walked side by side, and he held the crime scene tape while she ducked under and preceded him towards the activity about midway down the alley.

There were two uniformed officers standing between the taped off alley entrance and the spot where a broad shouldered man in a suit stood beside a grimy, battered dumpster that looked as if it had been green at one point in its existence. The uniformed officers seemed to be conversing quietly, the older one doing most of the talking, low and soothing to the younger officer who looked a couple of shades off of a natural color.

Castle imagined this was probably the young man's first dead body and the older officer was talking him down. It was a scene he had witnessed more times than he could probably count in his years with Beckett. The tangible and obvious loss of innocence, viewed from the front row like this, never seemed to get any easier to witness. The officers kept looking younger and younger every time he watched them stripped of their last vestiges of childhood and blinders to the cruelty that exists in the world.

As he watched Alexis grow, he found himself hoping he'd never see the day when her innocence was crushed as this young officer's had been tonight. It wouldn't be the last time the man saw a dead body, or even the last time that something scarred him emotionally, but the first experience was something unique to witness. It was a nick in the young man's soul that forged a crack where that rosy perspective that one's youth held slowly began to seep out. Dark bitterness or emotional detachment would start to leech in through that crack to fill the holes that were left in the wake of that loss of innocence.

It was all depressing to think about and he tore his gaze away from the pale cop and focused again on the crime scene they were headed towards. They were still far enough away that they couldn't see anything beyond the dumpster, but he knew that's where their victim would by the way the man in his black suit stood looking down.

Almost close enough to finally see what all the fuss was about; Castle was surprised to see Lanie stand from what was obviously a crouched position, her head and shoulders becoming visible over the top edge of the dumpster. He didn't expect to see her there as well, and he supposed that neither had she from the way she was decked out in a knee length red dress that portrayed the likelihood that she had been dragged straight out of a dance club to come to the scene.

He had noticed her dress and was about to make a joke about leaving Esposito high and dry to come play with a dead guy when his gaze flicked down to the victim. His brain seemed to stop functioning in that instant and he couldn't process what he was looking at. He blinked a couple of times, more to clear his head than his actual vision. The first thing that registered was a thought that the body was too small. It wasn't the right size to be one of their victims, something was wrong with it.

It was actually a full three seconds before his mind finally acknowledged that he was looking at a child. As soon as the thought solidified in his head he tried to detach from the scene. He tried to take it in without emotion, but he felt the churning in his stomach as his eyes locked on the pale, lifeless body sprawled across the ground. The child was stripped bare and there was so much blood. Too much blood. Castle felt his salivary glands kick into high gear letting him know that his body was preparing for him to throw up, but he swallowed the urge and tried to look away.

He couldn't pull his eyes off the small, mutilated figure, limbs at odd angles as if dumped in haste, face swollen from a severe beating, body covered in various shades of purple and blue from extensive bruising, and the slicing to the child's body. It only took a moment for his mind to take in the child's injuries and specifically the slices and gouging. As soon as his mind clicked on the probable reason behind those particular wounds, he felt the bile rise in the back of his throat. He started walking again, ignoring everything as he sought fresh air somewhere else.

At the opening to the alley, he finally lost his momentum and slumped against the rough brick exterior trying to get control of himself. He knew that she was watching him, but even the knowledge of how ridiculous he would probably look to Beckett and how much he was likely to be teased about it later, he couldn't stop himself.

As soon as Rick spotted that garbage can, not even twenty feet away, he stopped fighting it. He covered the distance with long strides and bent at the waist, finally losing control. His stomach's rebellion was persistent and his mind continued to assault him with images of what he had seen as he fought to keep himself upright through the suddenly weak feeling sweeping his body. The violent upheaval of his dinner finally, mercifully, ended, but he couldn't bring himself to stand up just yet.

Castle didn't know how long he stood there, but eventually the weakness started to fade, though his hands were still suspiciously shaky as they held him upright. His breathing had calmed and he was beginning to think he should go find somewhere to rinse his mouth when he felt a gentle rubbing motion against his tense forearm. He watched as long, slender fingers held a bottle of water in front of his eyes, rocking it back and forth as if trying to get his attention and entice him to take it.

His eyes met Beckett's as he reached for the bottle and felt her hand fall away from his arm. He instantly missed the comforting gesture, but gave her a grateful, though probably miserable looking smile and opened the water bottle. He swished his mouth and spit into the trash before taking a long drink and hoping he could keep the liquid in his stomach.

"Sorry." He said sheepishly, his throat raw from its violent activity. He could still feel the burning in the back of his mouth and taste bile on his tongue. He swished his mouth again and felt only slightly better afterwards.

Beckett had stood beside him, quietly waiting for him to be ready. It wasn't until he looked at her that he realized she was staring at him with that little crinkle between her eyebrows that said she was likely working through something, but whatever it was worried her. That expression was primarily only brought out while she was trying to find the missing piece that would tie everything back together and lead them to their killer.

"You should go home." She finally said, her tone was surprisingly gentle, not commanding or reprimanding.

Castle shook his head, "I'm ok, Kate. I can handle it."

Kate gave him a tiny smile that was more a tightening of her lips then anything resembling the genuine grins she sometimes wore, nothing like the grins that warmed him from the inside. There was sadness to that little smile and he hated it. "I know you want to go hug Alexis." She finally responded and he made use of that information combined with the subtle warmth and compassion in her features to figure out that she wasn't kicking him off the case, just sending him for something she was certain he would need.

With a single nod he started to turn away. As he reached the curb, he looked back over his shoulder and was surprised to see she was watching him as he walked away. "Call me if you need me." He told her, waiting for her tiny nod before he turned back. Holding out his hand to hail a cab, he seemed to switch to auto-pilot as he climbed in and gave his address.

His mind spinning with visions of the battered, mutilated child had haunted him on the way home. He was standing in the doorway of his daughter's room before he even realized he was back in the loft.

Watching Alexis sleep, looking peaceful and innocent, was usually enough to wipe even the darkest thoughts from his mind. Tonight, the tightness in his throat and rolling in his gut only got worse on seeing the sleeping form of his daughter. A sudden uneasiness settled over him and he found his heart racing as he moved into her room.

Slowly, he reached out his hand towards her. He registered the slight shaking in his digits as the uncomfortable feeling mounted until he got close enough to feel her warm breath against his fingers. With a slight sigh of relief he pulled his hand back and contemplated climbing in beside her so he could pull comfort from her existence. She had school the next day and aside from disturbing her sleep, he was worried she would wake up and think something was wrong. Instead, he opted to settle himself in a chair near her bed where he could watch her as she slept.

He was surprised when his mind drifted to Beckett as he wondered how the case was shaping up. It was his first thought of her in a couple of weeks that wasn't conflicted with emotional entanglement. Of course, even thinking it started to bring to mind those thoughts that hadn't registered since the crime scene. Thoughts of the crime scene were effective in wiping his mind of all conflict as he tried not to imagine what would make someone do those things to a small, innocent life.

He forced his mind and focus to the singular effort of watching the gentle rise and fall of Alexis' blanket as she breathed. He didn't know how long he stayed there, staring before the steady, even breathing lulled him to sleep.

Visions of dark alleys, dank basements and young voices screaming in tortured agony haunted his sleep. He woke with a barely restrained scream as visions of the young body in the alley were replaced with pale skin and fiery red hair, familiar blue eyes staring blankly into the night.

Castle's heart was pounding as he struggled to regain his breathing. He snapped his head back forward to look at his daughter, relieved to see she was lying just as she had been when he'd fallen asleep. He let his eyes drift to the clock, shocked to see that so little time had passed. He wanted it to be morning so he could go back and help with the case.

Knowing Beckett, she probably organized their current findings and set up the murder board before she called it a night. With no thoughts aside from finding whoever did this and putting them away, because he knew he wasn't going to be sleeping well until that happened, Castle made his way to his room.

Forgoing the usual suit, considering the time of night and his intention to return at some point in the morning, Castle slipped into a pair of dark jeans and a t-shirt, quietly making his way out of his apartment.

Walking into the precinct, Castle was momentarily stopped in his tracks as he looked across the darkened bullpen. Beckett's desk light was on, illuminating the lone figure perched on the edge of her desk. He knew from the set of her shoulders that she wasn't processing the information in front of her anymore, simply staring through the whiteboard and waiting for something to fall into place.

He wanted to turn around and leave, he wanted to convince her to go home and get some rest, and he wanted to move up beside her to do something to help find the resolution to this case. Deciding the third option was the only one that would eventually lead to him getting a good night's sleep, he started towards her desk.

He was still a few feet away when he noticed the direction of her gaze, locked on the school photo of a smiling boy young boy. His eyes were happy, his grin lopsided, and his blond hair was slightly out of place. The hair was probably something that his parents thought was a shame when they received the school pictures, but it spoke to Castle of a morning of carefree joy and spirited fun with friends over recess.

There was a sheen in her eyes that shocked him, even though it shouldn't have. It wasn't that he didn't know exactly how a case like this would likely affect her; it was more that he had been so caught up in his own mind that he hadn't given it much of a thought. She didn't acknowledge his presence, even as he leaned against the desk beside her.

Castle felt thoughts racing through his mind, but nothing seemed the right thing to say. Nothing seemed to be that thing that would take the frustration from Kate's tense shoulders or pain from her delicate features. In the end he settled on sharing the silence with her, though he couldn't bring himself to share her visual focus just yet.

Avoiding the pictures of the boy, he let his eyes quickly take in the words written across the board. It was clear that they didn't have much to go on just yet, but the child had been identified and that was at least a little bit of good news considering the state of the body. The victim was ten year old Jacob Henley, the son of a national news anchor stationed in New York. The boy had gone missing a week before and when the body turned up in that condition, things obviously came down the line quickly to get Beckett on board as they attempted to identify the child as the missing boy or to verify it wasn't him.

Castle was tempted to ask why the FBI wasn't taking the lead on this case, but he felt a sense of rightness about the silence they were sharing so comfortably. Instead of actually asking her that or any of the other dozen question he had, he reached towards the desk, carefully covering her smaller hand with his own.

She didn't pull away or admonish him as he was certain she would. She stared at the board for several minutes as if she was still oblivious to him. It felt like a long time later that a small almost grateful smile nudged one corner of her mouth before her hand flipped and her fingers laced with his.

He didn't know what it meant, but as his eyes finally fell back on the young boy's school picture, he found that he didn't care. He didn't need to read more into it then the comfort that he had been intending to give her being reciprocated.

x.x.x

A/N: Sorry this took so long to update. You don't have to read this author's note, I'm just venting; the chapter is over, go find a fun and fluffy fic to read.

I have had a hard time writing this because it's so negative. Unfortunately, for the story to be true to the original introspective experiment I started, I can't deviate here and just have them run away together because it's what I'd feel happy writing. I don't know if you guys realize how incredibly difficult it is to write such a depressing story. You read for ten minutes, but I have to live each chapter for hours as I plan, write, read, re-write. It's mentally draining.

So this chapter was delayed while I took a fication to enjoy light hearted family time leading up to and over the holiday weekend. It was nice, but then there was a trip to the hospital and I'm now officially on pain medication for at least the next few days. Feeling light and giggly, hopefully this all came out all right, mostly written before the doctors shot me full of painkillers, except the end and the editing.

Review that made my day: **Fullskirt3**, because you make me feel less crazy for sitting in my car after work to read fanfic when I should be glad to be off and driving home. Happy to hear I'm not the only one who gets that sucked in to reading fanfic.

Thanks to everyone for reading.


	27. Chapter 27

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Kate watched Rick, slumped and shaking over the garbage receptacle for a moment as she listened to Lanie give her the run down. She pulled her gaze off Castle once Lanie stopped speaking and turned her attention to the man in the black suit that had been standing there when she walked up.

"Special Agent Sawyer McCain." He introduced himself. As she made eye contact with him he offered a tentative smile of greeting, "My friends call me Mac."

It only took a moment for her to take in his appearance. Standard black suit, white shirt, black tie that screamed FBI, but slightly higher quality suits than most of the agents she had met. That signified he was likely a little higher in rank or had side money. His sandy brown hair was cropped close in a cut that spoke of his probable military back ground. He was classically handsome and she could already see that working with him would probably be an issue with Castle for that fact, except he thought she was with Josh still, so that probably wouldn't come up. His eyes could have been anything from blue to brown from as little light as filtered into the alleyway, but the telltale smudges of darkness beneath them spoke of a man who was not getting much sleep.

If this body they were standing over was any indication of the type of work the agent did, then she could see why he wasn't able to sleep at night. Unlike Castle, she had been able to check her initial gut reaction to this, but it was proving difficult the longer she stood over the victim.

"Detective Beckett." She offered, glancing to the body a moment before she turned her focus back on the FBI agent standing there, "Agent McCain, why does the FBI need the NYPD on this case? It's a kidnapping and the murder of that kidnapped child. This has your jurisdiction written all over it."

She watched as McCain's spine went a little straighter, but saw the confidence was not reflected in his eyes. "Your assistance was requested by the Mayor." He left it at that, but she didn't miss the hint of irritation in the Agent's voice.

She knew what he was thinking, she must have some kind of pull with the man that made her a favorite of the Mayor, or her semi-celebrity status got her special treatment. She had been on the receiving end of that kind of thinking for a few years now and found that in this case she didn't mind. If the agent thought she had enough pull to entice this kind of leverage on a federal case, then not only was she not going to correct him, but she responded, "Well, Bob knows that we close cases."

She dropped the mayor's first name in casually and saw the infinitesimal widening of the Agent's eyes. Not sure and not really caring about whether it was surprise in the casualness of her tone or a burgeoning resentment for her easy familiarity, she continued. "I'm going to need copies of all your files. I'm sure you have everything set up in your field office, but I'm going to run this from the12th precinct." She watched his eyes narrow on her slightly, but didn't care. "You're welcome to join me there or we can run tandem investigations and communicate via telephone or email to share new discoveries."

The agent nodded, "I'll be in your office tomorrow. Is eight o'clock good for you?"

Beckett was already shaking her head as she stepped past the man and headed towards Castle. She responded over her shoulder, "I don't care what time you show up tomorrow, but I want those files in my office within the hour and I expect a full debriefing at the time of delivery."

She had to fight a smile at the man's surprised expression, but then her mind filtered back through what little she knew and she couldn't help that even thoughts of smiling fled from her mind. This little boy had been missing for a week, but only dead for a little over twelve hours. The amount of torture he appeared to have undergone in that time frame was enough to make her feel like joining Castle at that garbage can.

Instead, as she stepped out of the alley she spotted a little convenience store and ducked inside to grab a bottle of water for the writer, certain he'd need it.

Hours later, as she sat against the edge of her desk, staring at the murder board, she had constructed while Agent McCain had been debriefing her, she let her mind wander. She couldn't help regretting the act of sending Castle home, despite knowing it was what he needed. She knew this was going to be tough on him, but she also knew how difficult it would be for her and she craved his presence to make it all just a little easier.

She wasn't a fool. She knew he wouldn't be pulling out his standard bag of tricks on this, trying to make her laugh or making up crazy theories so she'd smile, but she didn't care. She didn't need to laugh; she needed to not feel like she was the only person in the world. Sitting in the bullpen when it was dark and eerily quiet was not a place she really wanted to be at the moment. Her thoughts were given free reign and her mind allowed to wander just a little too much.

She knew that being at home would be worse. Disturbing thoughts and images that played through her head of a time not too many years before when she had been in the position that Agent McCain found himself in. Where she had been the cop that was tasked with finding a lost boy, only to fail in that mission. To find the body of a boy that, if she had been just a little smarter, just a little more intuitive, just a little better a cop, would still be alive. Those thoughts would lead to a restless sleep and vivid dreams that she preferred to delay as long as possible.

She knew that, despite her faith in the man, having Castle with her would not be a cure all to prevent those thoughts and memories. She also knew that in more ways than one and at more times than she could probably count, having him by her side had kept those ghosts of past failures at bay. She couldn't help but wonder about their current mess of a situation and whether it could lead to a day when she'd look up and he wouldn't be by her side anymore. It was stupid to let those thoughts get to her, but in a state where she was already feeling emotionally tested, she couldn't stop herself.

When the elevator let out a soft ding and she heard the tentative footsteps, she knew who was approaching her. A sense of calm came over her as she felt him move to stand next to her and then lean against the desk. He had come back, for that she was grateful, even if she couldn't bring herself to look at him.

She waited for him to speak, waited for something, but it didn't come and silence stretched between them as they both looked at the paltry facts of the case. She was almost tempted to speak, ask if he was ok or if he woke Alexis when he got home, but she couldn't find the words.

After what seemed the longest she had been around the writer without either saying something, she felt him shift and then his hand was covering hers. She almost lost it right there, her mind was still replaying the facts of that previous case and the ones of this case that had gone from disturbing to frightening in a matter of twenty minutes during the meeting with McCain.

She couldn't help the inner turmoil that the small gesture engendered in her. One side telling her to jerk her hand away, the other saying to take the comfort where it was offered because she needed it. Her need for human contact won out and she bit her lip before accepting the gesture with a small smile of appreciation. He seemed to understand what she needed from him and his silent offer of comfort was enough. The part of her brain screaming at her to pull away was pushed aside. Instead, she flipped her hand and laced her fingers with his, noticing, not for the first time how gentle he could be. His thumb began a slow caress against the back of her hand.

It was a long time later, as they both stared intently at the murder board, that he finally broke the silence. "Kate."

It wasn't that he had spoken, but the tone he used as he said her name, the name he used so rarely it was still a novelty to hear it on his lips. She heard the hesitation in his voice and was instantly sure of where he wanted to take this conversation. It was after three in the morning and she was too tired for any of this tonight. "Can we not do this right now?"

She hazarded a glance in his direction when silence engulfed them for longer than it should have. He was giving her a look that clearly betrayed his confusion, head cocked to the side slightly, eyebrow lifted in a silent question. When her eyes locked with his, Castle let out a sigh, "I was just going to suggest you go get some sleep." she could see and hear his sincerity, but sleep was the furthest thing from her mind.

Beckett finally made the effort to half turn away from him and reached out with her free hand to the file that was on her desk. The file she had been trying to put out of her mind and hadn't put up on the board because she didn't have the mental strength to deal with it tonight. Knowing what was in there would haunt her sleep and keep her awake even if she tried to rest, was the reason that his suggestion of sleep was so far from her thought process.

She was annoyed at herself for feeling let down when he released her hand to take the file and flip it open. She knew it wouldn't take long for him to understand. He was a speed reader, but all he needed was to see that first page with the picture to know why she wouldn't be sleeping.

"Oh, God." he breathed out on a heavy sigh as he snapped the file closed a few short seconds later. She thought he might actually fling it across the room, just to get away from it. His eyes sought hers for answers and she knew he was hoping she'd tell him that he was misinterpreting the file, though she saw the tick in his jaw that foretold of his disbelief in the chances of that happening.

Kate shook her head and was met with a pained expression. It was an odd moment to realize that they hadn't said anything in several minutes, but had somehow made it through an entire conversation.

As if reading her hesitance and understanding far more than she would have expected a year or so ago, he took the file to the murder board. She watched as his shaky hands carefully pulled out the picture and using one of the magnets, secured it next to the young boy's school photo.

The girl looking back at her from the photo had a shy, reserved smile. The corners of her mouth were turned up just enough to hint at a dimple in her cheek as her eyes seemed to shine right out of the picture, a subtle green grey color that Beckett knew likely changed with her clothes. Her smile hinted at a reserved personality, but that twinkle in her eyes said she was ready to go at a moment's notice.

"April Paulson." Castle's voice cut through her contemplation and like a tether he pulled her back from thoughts that were verging on destructive. "How come I didn't hear about this?"

Beckett knew how he was feeling, could tell from his eyes that he was as disgusted with one child getting press time over another, especially considering the circumstances. "There was an Amber Alert." She replied, knowing it didn't mean much at this point.

"I got that." He told her, patting the pocket where his phone was resting, "It said they thought she was taken by her father."

Beckett shook her head, "He's been cleared."

"Why wouldn't the news mention she went missing with Jacob Henley?" Castle asked, sounding even more disgusted. "That's something that might have tipped people off. Two kids instead of one would draw up a more apparent red flag. Keeping the two separate wasn't just stupid, it was irresponsible."

Kate nodded, "Right?" she asked, feeling her anger boiling with his, "What's the point of issuing an alert separately for the two kids? It screws with potential witnesses and reports."

That was the most logical interpretation of the issue, but deep down she was furious with the media's sensationalizing of something like this. The fact that one child's parent was famous and the other child was just some public school kid of an average middle class family had made the media report more on Jacob. April was a simple Amber Alert with the information that authorities thought she had been taken by her father. That angle had later proven to be incorrect as the father had a solid alibi for the time the children disappeared.

The fact that the two children had been last seen together at the public library and had disappeared at the same time shortly after leaving should have been the first clue that they were taken together. The odds of them leaving the library together and then disappearing separately were astronomical, but to hear the press tell it, Jacob was the only child that went missing that day.

"What if someone saw something? What if they didn't report it because they thought it would only be one kid and not two?"

Beckett nodded her agreement, still too lost in thought to vocalize her opinion.

Castle turn from her, disgust apparent in the set of his shoulders as he jotted down what little information there was on the disappearance of April Paulson.

After Castle finished, he returned to his perch beside her and she felt his eyes on her. It was several minutes before she gave in to the silence and turned her head to face him, "What?"

"You're going to be exhausted tomorrow. Come on, go home." He prodded gently, his tone nearly undoing her resolve with its hints of tenderness and concern.

"I can't, Castle." She finally responded, tearing her eyes from his gaze to look back at the board before she found herself overwhelmed.

"You're going to be worthless without at least a few hours of sleep." He tried again, and she almost lost it just then. She couldn't figure out how he could go from a class A jerk back to this caring friend she had held onto for so long.

More than a little exhausted and certainly wrung out, she knew he was right. She knew what she needed, but she also knew it would never happen. She was certain to look back later and blame that exhaustion or the situation for letting her guard down, but in that moment she simply opened her mouth and began to speak. "I can't, Castle. I know what happens here and I can't do it right now."

She didn't expect a response and was surprised to hear his quiet question, "What happens?"

Kate knew she should shut up, this was going to a place she didn't want to go, but instead of taking her own advice she continued, "I could go home, but I still wouldn't be able to sleep. I'd toss and turn and really try, but be unsuccessful." She sighed, may as well go all in. "Even if I managed to fall asleep, they would be there." She gestured to the board, "They would need me to help them and I'd be too late. I'd always be too late. It's just putting new faces in an old nightmare and I really don't need that right now." She met his eyes briefly, but had to look away, "I don't need to wake up in a cold sweat, shaking, heart racing, wondering if there's something else I could have done."

She felt him come to stand in front of her and a moment later she was standing with his arms holding her firmly against him, "There's nothing you could have done, you weren't even on the case until it was too late. Tomorrow you'll come back in here and we'll put our heads together and we'll do everything we can to find April. I'm not going to promise we'll get to her in time, though I hope we do. But tonight, let me take you home. We'll get a couple hours of sleep and then be able to jump on this with fresh eyes."

She heard the soft even timber of his voice, gentle and comforting as he laid it all out for her. The feeling of his warmth surrounding her, his arms holding her against his chest, and the tone of his voice lulled her into a sense of security. She felt herself nod against his chest and he pulled away from her.

She didn't understand why he was moving away until he was back, holding her jacket for her and ushering her towards the elevator as if he was afraid she might change her mind if he didn't act fast. He was probably right; given a moment's notice her logical side would talk her out of even attempting sleep when she was so wound up. However, his hand on her lower back pushed her past those thoughts and she seemed to leave them behind as they boarded the elevator.

They didn't resurface as they left the precinct, or come up when they climbed into the cab. The thoughts remained surprisingly absent when he took her hand and she rested her head against his shoulder. They were only a block from her house when the nagging voice of what lay ahead finally resurfaced and she heard Castle's quiet shushing and soothing when she tensed.

Kate realized she must have dozed off, because she didn't remember him wrapping an arm around her, or being quite so relaxed against him. Her tension started to ease with his calming tones and she almost forgot what had stirred her. Almost.

They were pulling up outside her apartment when logic completely left the building and she allowed her fear to guide her as she heard herself whisper softly, "Stay with me?"

"Kate." She heard the question inherent in the use of her name, the tone of his voice portrayed his obvious disinclination to accept her request.

It should have been enough for her to drop the thought, but despite her own misgivings, she didn't want to do what she always did. She didn't want to face this as she would before she had let him get so close. She didn't want to wake up breathless and alone. "Please, Castle." She finally managed to look in his eyes and saw uneasiness reflected back at her as if he was either just as unsure about her question as she was or perhaps he was as unsure about sleeping alone. "Wake me before it gets too bad."

She watched as understanding dawned and a smile that was more of a grimace crossed his face, accenting the natural lines in his skin and making him look older than he had moments before, "On one condition." He responded as he passed money to the cabbie and started to lead her out of the car.

"I'm not having sex with you." She responded and if it weren't for her negative line of thinking tonight she would have laughed when he was the one rolling his eyes at her.

"That's not where I was going, Beckett." He said and she was actually glad to hear he was back to using that name for her. It somehow made this all a little less awkward, something more akin to the work side of their relationship than whatever was going on outside of their friendship.

Silence followed them up to her apartment and it wasn't until they were inside, as Castle followed her towards her bedroom that he finally spoke again, "I dreamt it was Alexis."

His voice was soft from behind her, but she could hear the depth of emotion in the admission and her heart broke for all he had seen that he never should have. All the things he experienced that never should have tainted his life or skewed his dreams or implanted such nasty thoughts in his head. "I'm sorry." It didn't seem enough, but it was all that she could come up with.

Castle didn't respond to that as they moved together as if in a daze, shedding coats and clothes. Castle stripped to his boxers and undershirt, not even seeming to think it necessary to ask. She grabbed a nightshirt and disappeared to the bathroom to change. When she came back out he was already settled in the bed, covers pulled down awaiting her arrival.

That voice that was always so logical had begun to shout its objections to her putting herself back in the line of fire, setting herself up to be hurt again. When he reached a hand out as if to beckon her forward, that voice fell away and she slipped into bed, letting him pull her to him. Exhaustion was there, and while her mind was trying to run wild, her eyelids were already falling heavily.

Her cheek against his chest, hand over his heart as Castle's arms surrounded her, she felt his request in the vibrations of his chest as he spoke, "My one condition," he started and she remembered that she had been distracted from there being a condition of him staying. She tensed slightly, concerned for what he might ask of her in exchange for watching over her as she slept. "You'll wake me before it gets too bad."

She recognized her request spoken back to her and though it wasn't the first time she thought about whether he had nightmares, something about the hour before sunrise and her exhaustion didn't keep the thoughts inside, "Do you have them often?"

She felt him shrug and was sure he'd brush it off, until a heavy sigh split the air and blew across the top of her head, tickling her hair against her cheek, "They'll come tonight."

It didn't provide the insight she had asked for, but in hindsight, she wasn't sure she wanted to know how incredibly screwed up his life was because of knowing her. Instead she adjusted herself against him, absently rubbing her fingers against his shirt, "It's a deal."

His arms tightened around her slightly at her agreement and he brought a hand up to gently smooth over her hair. The slow, consistent motion was relaxing and it wasn't long before sleep claimed her.

x.x.x

A/N: Sorry this took so long to update, but at least it's one of my longest chapters ever. So, I have these kidney stones and the medication they put me on has quite an interesting effect on me. I have spent the last several days very giddy and abnormally giggly. That's your apology for any mistakes or weirdness here, written and edited while heavily medicated. Yippee, so good to be you guys, huh?

Not really the best frame of mind to be writing this in, but as an added bonus I was inspired during that overly excited/happy time and have a great case for my next story. It's going to be a lot lighter than this story, so I'll probably work on getting that one started next time I get bogged down with all this dark and brooding stuff. No guarantees on it actually being 'light', this is me after all, but it won't be Angst-Central. I'll let you all know when I start posting on that, since I'm getting close to done with this one, though I may wait to start it until the end of the season and have it be my summer fic.

Review that made my day: **All the new comers**, For making me want to make time to write even when I'm feeling all wonky, because I know how it feels to blow through 75,000 words and then realize you have to wait for more. So frustrating.

Thanks to everyone for reading.


	28. Chapter 28

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Castle had known this was a bad idea from the moment the words were out of Beckett's mouth.

Lying with her was a form of sweet torture that he hadn't expected when he'd suggested she go home. Something about her reaction to this case had him sweeping his concerns under the rug, but in the silence that followed her curling up next to him and closing her eyes, he found a moment to reflect. His stomach clenched as he listened to her breathing even out and thought about how he was being a place holder. He shouldn't be here and the only reason he was happened to be a certain doctor's current absence.

If Josh weren't out of the country he'd be here for Beckett and Castle probably wouldn't even be in her thoughts. It made him a little sick to think that he wanted this to be real so badly. He wanted to be that guy. The one who she came home to at night, the one she let her guard down with, the one that she felt comfortable enough to be herself around and not worried that if she showed her feelings he'd think any less of her.

She had to know by now how ridiculous that was, but he didn't doubt that if Josh was in town she'd still be hiding this hurt from him. She'd still be keeping him at arm's length because that was where they were comfortable. He was tired of that kind of comfortable and found that he could easily get used to this type of comfortable with her.

This kind of comfortable where she curled her warm body around his so casually. Comfortable with her head on his chest, breaths warming him through his t-shirt or better gently wafting across his bare skin, her hair falling across his shoulder and down the bed. His hand was rubbing soft circles on her back as his mind drifted.

He tried to fight the thoughts of what if and could have been, should have been, but he found that he didn't want to. He painted a vivid picture in his mind of them falling asleep together as a normal part of their daily lives. A picture of waking to her smiling face and finding out if she tended to be grumpy when she woke up. As he continued to paint the picture, he found himself suddenly annoyed when thoughts of Josh snuck into his mind.

He wasn't able to stop the negative downward spiral of his thoughts. Thoughts of the other man and his own lack of a place with Kate seemed to gather along the edges of his vision for a few moments. Slowly they crept further into his vision until once again he found himself replaced with the real thing.

In a moment of self-loathing, he let the thoughts wash over him for several minutes until he felt his anxiety level growing to the point where it affected his breathing pattern. As his mind focused on the contrast that was her slow even breaths, he realized he was being an idiot.

Josh or no Josh, tonight she had asked him to be there for her. Tonight she had asked for his presence to slay her dragons and watch over her as she slept. As much as he was trying to write that off, he had to admit that this was something she wouldn't have asked of him a few weeks ago. Perhaps, there was still a chance if he didn't push. Maybe if he showed her that he could be there for her without being demanding, if he could be what she needed, she'd eventually see what he did.

He renewed the promise he had made to himself to show her what they could be so that when Josh came back she'd have a valid comparison on which to make a decision. He knew their everything was riding on that choice. If she married the doctor, he wouldn't be capable of staying to watch the fallout. Couldn't stand by and watch as his hopes of her being with him were dashed permanently. He wouldn't give up, though. He was committed to this, even if he was the only one. If she decided to marry the doctor, he'd give it to her straight for once. No more dancing around it. He'd be forced to go all in and see if she would call him or fold what they had built together.

With a new sense of commitment, though still without a plan as to how to go about showing her what she meant to him, he finally found himself relaxing. He let himself unwind and actually feel her softness against him. Instead of giving in to his urge to recoil, he seized the moment and rolled slightly to wrap his free arm around her as well, cocooning her in his embrace. He knew it was unlikely, but hoped that some combination of her extreme exhaustion and his presence would keep the nightmares from taking her tonight.

He felt as if his eyes had just closed when a sharp pain in his side had them snapping open again. Beckett was moving in her sleep, and on a quick exhausted evaluation, the blow that landed against his chest hadn't been very forceful. The fact that his ribs were still sore from the skiing accident was probably the only reason it had broken him out of such a deep sleep.

He was momentarily distracted by his thoughts, a symptom of his own exhaustion, in all likelihood. When she tried to roll away from him by bracing her elbow somewhere near his sternum and pushing off, he was brought back to the matter at hand.

He secured the arm she wasn't laying on against his chest with a firm grip and tried to call out to her, "Kate." His tone was soft, not wanting to add to the confusion she would likely face on waking. She tried to pull out of his grip, but her movements were weak in sleep, more an act of instinct than an actual attempt to be released.

Thinking of other instincts she may call forth in her agitated state had him rolling towards her. Once they were face to face he pulled her to him more securely so that she couldn't get much momentum behind a kick or another blow if she woke up startled. He squeezed the hand he had effectively trapped between their chests as he tried to call her name again.

Her eyes moved behind the lids and her brow creased as she frowned. He would have thought her expression of confusion was adorable in any other situation, but the slightly open mouth pulling air more quickly than she should in a sleeping state and the obvious displeasure she was experiencing stomped that thought before it ever fully formed. Instead, he felt an anxiety and a not unusual sense of protectionism. The sharp, "Kate!" he released when he heard her whimper and felt her shy away from him was both a demand and a plea for her to wake up.

He felt her tense in his arms as her eyes snapped open, instantly locking with his. He watched the emotions fly across her features so quickly that he wasn't sure he'd actually seen them all in the dim light filtering through from the street lights outside. He saw her go from fearful to surprised, noted the moment she realized the way he was holding her.

He could have sworn he saw a light blush as she pulled at her hand to have him release her. He held on a moment longer not to relish the moment of staring into her eyes with her body plastered against his, but to be sure she was cognizant enough that increased mobility wouldn't result in her lashing out.

"Are you going to hit me?" he asked with a crooked smile, closing his eyes tightly as if bracing for impact as he finally released her. He was hoping to alleviate the tension, but with his eyes closed he didn't know if he had been successful. He couldn't see her reaction, but felt her roll away from him.

Her voice sounded strange to him, soft and quiet. "Did you do something that I should hit you for?" His eyes popped open to find her lying on her back next to him, head turned to take in his expression. If it was anyone else and he had to give the tone a name, he'd say she sounded vulnerable.

He was certain she wouldn't appreciate his word choice, so he kept it to himself. She wasn't a weak woman and he'd never attempt to give her the impression that he thought that about her. She didn't let this tone slip out in the light of day, but he was certain something about it being less than an hour before dawn had her guard down. In an attempt to ignore the tone because he was sure she'd prefer that, he focused on her question.

Reluctantly he got comfortable on his side, watching her carefully, but keeping his hands to himself despite the urge to reach out. "I woke you up, but I think it's preferable to miss a little sleep over turning your partner into a human sparring dummy." He threw in an overly dramatic wince to emphasize his point.

"Sorry." She replied, averting her eyes from his and there was that damn tone he had been trying to get rid of. Her speaking to him like that was making him want to reach out and comfort her.

"Hey," he finally said in a calm even tone, waiting for her too look back at him before he continued, "It's fine. Really."

She nodded, surprising him with a sleepy smile. It was weak, but it was a step in the right direction.

He knew he was a masochist for even having the thoughts, much less voicing them, but he couldn't stop himself from trying to dig for a little information on what might help her get through this, "I know I'm kind of playing second fiddle here," he started, but all that earned him was a confused look from her, so he continued, "I just… I don't know what you need from me. If josh was here, he'd know how to help you through this. I'm sure he'd -"

Kate's snort cut him off. It was quiet and accompanied by a slight eye roll that didn't have the full effect from her drooping eyelids. It was a reaction he was used to her directing at him.

On a normal day it would have brought a smile to his face because he adored her expressions. On a bad day it would have him apologizing for whatever he had done. Tonight, he felt his stomach drop, because for some reason he saw that not far on the horizon he might find himself very angry for asking, "What?"

Kate sighed, her whole demeanor altered by her state of being barely awake. He had to lock away the observations about how she moved just a little more purposefully in this situation, how her eyes looked just the slightest unfocused, and how her tousled hair splayed across the bedspread and stuck in odd directions. He couldn't relish any one observation because she was speaking to him, "He'd be sleeping on the couch."

He didn't think he heard that right, or maybe he was misinterpreting her comment. She was obviously not the most coherent person when woken in the middle of the night.

"He has a tough job, Castle." She elaborated, but it still left him confused. Fortunately, she seemed to sense his confusion and she continued, "He'd finish the night on the couch if things got intense. He needed his sleep to stay focused."

Castle had been convinced that there was nothing that could make him dislike the doctor more than he already did. He didn't think there was anything worse than Josh having an amazing woman; one that Castle envied him being with. But, somehow, having her, but not appreciating all of her, seemed to be the first legitimate reason Castle had come across to dislike the other guy.

He understood what Kate was saying and she was probably the one who had told Josh to go and get some sleep in the living room. She probably told him that she was fine or even apologized. The fact that Josh had listened to her instead of seeing what Castle could see plain as day on her face, made his blood boil. "Don't defend him." He seethed.

He almost flinched at his own words and then waited the length of two painfully slow breaths for her to return his anger. Waited for her to tell him to get lost, leave her be, not pass judgment on the man. He was a good guy. Castle didn't doubt any of that, which was why he was surprised when she let the second breath out on a heavy sigh.

"It's not his fault." She explained, her voice still soft, but now with some nervousness as if she were telling him something that was hard to talk about. "I didn't let him in, didn't want him to see me like that."

The hurt reflecting from her eyes was enough to wash away the anger and make him ache all over again. He didn't like to think about her hurting, think about her alone and struggling. The analytical side of him, however, had latched onto the fact that she had not only let him be here for what she thought was inevitable, but that she had asked him to. She hadn't told him to go; she'd asked him to stay. Something about drawing that correlation reaffirmed his mission statement.

She was still looking at him with that subtle nervousness. She looked so small and fragile against the light bed sheets. He couldn't have stopped himself, even if he wanted to as he reached out and pulled her towards him. "Oh, Katie." The name slipped through on a sigh. It came out of nowhere. He'd never considered that particular variation of her name before, but something about her current state made him think to another time, comforting another girl after a nightmare. Back when he'd affectionately referred to his daughter as Lexi in times like these as he chased her nightmares away.

She didn't pull away, and willingly curled her body into his, letting him wrap his arms around her. He heard her mumble into his shirt, "I told him to go, so he could get some sleep. Sometimes I'd leave to make it easier."

Castle's grip tightened slightly, wanting to do something, anything, to show her that she wasn't as alone as she thought she was. Show her that she didn't have to face things by herself. "I wouldn't have listened. I would have followed you."

She started to laugh, not a deep heartfelt laugh, but one that spoke of the sadness to which they lent this situation, "Castle, that's not news." She finally said, her fingers loosening their grip on his shirt as she relaxed in his arms, "You have been following me around, not listening, for years now." Her words were slow and slightly slurred as she finished. He knew she was returning to sleep.

He couldn't see her face well from his angle slightly above her. Between the dim lighting, the shadows from his body and her hair fanning across her cheek, it could have been a trick of his imagination, but he swore she had a faint smile on her face a moment before she fully relaxed and sleep claimed her again.

x.x.x

A/N: I'm surprised I didn't get more writing done lately. I had a 4 day weekend, but it was my daughter's birthday and we've been super busy. It's her first year in school and she invited her whole class to her party at the park. Fortunately it was a big day in Spokane with Bloomsday, so even though all the kids brought their siblings and parents we only had about 40 people there. I painted faces for 3 hours and they all had fun.

Review that made my day: **sarahlovesa**, for a line that made me smile for the whole day, "This story sucks you in with what seems to be Casketty fluffiness. Then it grabs you by the throat and shakes you till your teeth rattle. Strangely enough, you do not beg for mercy; no, you beg for more." I don't know how true that is overall, but even if it's just true for you, that makes me incredibly proud.

Holy crap! When did that number get so high? 1,000+ reviews? Wow. I'm supremely humbled. I can look at my time writing fanfic over the past 6 months and see how much I've grown as an author. That growth is thanks to all of you guys who point out things like when to use then and than, call me on run on sentences and even those of you who only ever say generally positive things. It's inspiring and it's why I'm still going. Before fanfic I hadn't written anything in 10 years and had never finished a story longer than 20 pages. I now have almost 1500 pages and am closing in on finishing my 4th story. It's all very exciting and I'm so glad to have all of you along, helping me grow as an author and keeping me motivated because you want to see the end so I can't just give up.

Thanks to everyone for reading.


	29. Chapter 29

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Light from the sun streaming in through her thin curtains filtered through her closed eyelids slowly rousing her from sleep. As she realized her position, Kate had to stifle the urge to stretch as she woke. Lying on her side with her body pressed against his and a leg thrown over his, high against his thigh, her movement now would wake him.

She managed to lift her head from his chest enough to glance at the clock. She almost groaned in frustration on seeing that it was barely seven. She had sent a text to Esposito the night before for him and Ryan to hold the fort because she'd had a long day and would probably sleep in. But here she was awake less than an hour after her alarm normally went off.

As comfortable as she was lying with Castle, she didn't think their position was the best one for him to wake up and find them in. Carefully, she retracted her leg and shifted away from him. The hand that had been resting against the bed at her lower back tensed.

There was a moment as she watched him sleep where she let herself wonder what it would be like to wake with him every morning. To open her eyes and see him beside her relaxed in sleep as he was now, hair ruffled, face in peace, a tiny pink line in his cheek from how the fabric of her pillowcase folded against his cheek while he slept. That line led her eyes to the fainter, but still obvious, bruising along the side of his face.

She let he fingers trail gently across his shirt, remembering the sight of the bruises that marred the skin on his chest. Thoughts of that night in his apartment had her introspective again. Looking into his peaceful features as her mind replayed the events of that night, she almost cringed as she thought of her deflection. She had let her insecurities about how things would work between her and Castle rule her for so long that it had been just a little too easy to tell him half-truths and play into his assumptions.

Kate realized she had done the same thing when he woke her, a short time ago. It would have been a perfect opportunity to set him straight, but once again she let it pass. She was a coward. She grimaced at the thought, but couldn't even argue with herself. She didn't understand why it was so hard to say the words, except that she knew it would change everything.

Some part of her was not naïve enough to think that things weren't changing around them regardless of her withholding that information from him. The longer she waited to tell him, the more likely he would read something negative into her omission. It was a lie that she perpetrated every time Castle brought up Josh and she didn't tell him.

When a deep frown creased his features, she was reminded of why he was here with her. Once again her thoughts drifted to the small boy on a slab in the morgue and she decided that once the case was over she'd tell him. She didn't want either of them to be left with the thought that the other was grasping at something, anything, to take their minds off seeing the disgusting waste of life that was this case.

She felt his hand tighten at her back, balling her shirt in his fist and pulling the fabric tight around her body. That movement, the frown and a slight flaring of his nostrils was the only indication that something wasn't right. She almost envied him the calm and quiet that seemed to stick with him through even what was obviously an unpleasant dream.

She was certain she'd feel more rested after nights spent in places only her dreams could send her if she were a less active dreamer. Though, with his imagination, she'd be surprised if Castle's dreams weren't incredibly vivid, all the more reason to be impressed that he was maintaining slow steady breathing as his jaw clenched.

She continued to watch him for several minutes, as that tick in his jaw seemed to count time for her. She wondered if she should wake him, but couldn't really be sure that he would want to be awakened from whatever he was experiencing. Perhaps it wasn't that bad and he would prefer to get some more sleep. A moment after the thought crossed her mind it became a moot point as his eyes snapped open and a gasp filled his chest quickly.

He exhaled the breath, long and slow, eyes locked on the ceiling above him. As she watched, he continued to stare, lying perfectly still as if unwilling to move. She couldn't help but wonder what he was thinking about as that serious expression stayed on his face. She wondered because, while he didn't even glance in her direction, his hand loosened and his thumb or one of his fingers began to slowly move across the fabric at her back.

When the silence and his expression started to cause her to feel uneasy, she finally asked, "You ok?"

Any other time, his reaction to such a softly spoken question would have her teasing him mercilessly, but this was anything but a normal situation. She let his startled jerk slip past without comment and met his gaze as he turned his head to look over at her.

She was only a few inches from him; it was front row seats to the show of emotions that took the place of that blank stare he had been directing at the ceiling. Confusion seemed to be the dominant emotion, but it along with whatever else was there had been swiped away by a familiar expression. It was gone in the blink of an eye and he was smiling at her sheepishly, masking whatever he was really going through.

She wondered if he actually thought she would judge him for expression the same thoughts or feelings she had just a short time ago.

"Sorry, did I wake you?" He asked, and his voice was slightly scratchy, a little deeper than normal with lack of use. It's one more thing she can add to the list that they probably should have learned about each other after their first night.

She found herself wondering how things would have been different if they had woken together after that night. She wouldn't have hesitated in kissing that frown off his face while he slept, for one thing. That would have led to more, but now she wasn't sure where they stood. She wasn't sure what this meant to them, and she didn't have the energy to figure it out. "I was already awake." she responded, and watch him cock his eyebrow as his expression softened to compassion. She knew it was his way of asking if she had another nightmare so she just shook her head, "I need thicker curtains."

His smile was genuine for just a moment before his eyes darkened with some other emotion he was trying to veil. Normally she could read him like a book, but whatever was under the surface, he seemed able to keep there enough for her not to be able to pinpoint it.

"You should go." She finally said; though it was the last thing she wanted. Watching his expression darken just a little she felt the urge to explain. Soft and unsure, feelings she didn't normally attribute to herself, much less let seep into her voice, she continued, "I'm not getting any more sleep, and if you hurry you can see Alexis before she leaves for school."

He seemed to watch her intently for a moment as if trying to puzzle out some hidden meaning to her words. Finally, he gave her a brief nod and released her. Castle climbed from the bed and began to get dressed in his clothes from the day before.

She watched him in silence, his movements seemed to be carefully controlled and he avoided looking at her until he had slipped his suit jacket on. Fully dressed, he finally turned back towards her with a question in his eyes. He didn't voice it and she saw the uncertainty in his expression in those few brief moments. She watched as he seemed to dismiss the thought, whatever it had been, and he started to turn away and leave.

Beckett found herself inordinately interested in his unspoken question, "What, Castle?"

His movement stopped as his eyes returned to her again. He shrugged and seemed to consider responding, but instead just shook his head as if to say nothing was on his mind.

She lifted an eyebrow and waited him out. She knew he'd cave eventually, or at least she hoped he did. Not knowing what he might say, she was slightly nervous that it may be something she didn't want to hear. At the same time, she was on edge, hoping that he might be the one to break their stalemate so that she didn't have to.

Her silence seemed to finally wear him down and he sighed. She noticed his gaze shift to somewhere just behind her as if he wasn't comfortable asking while actually watching her expression, as if he were concerned about the reaction that his question would elicit from her. The nervous knot in her belly grew until he finally let out a soul deep sigh. "I was just thinking."

She smiled softly. He wasn't looking at her, but perhaps his unfocused gaze could still detect the movement. "Don't hurt yourself, Castle." She teased.

It seemed to hit the mark, and she watched him visibly relax just a little. Instead of addressing her remark with a comeback, he simply continued, "Once we get in there, I don't think we'll be able to stomach much of anything." Just like that he was able to bring things right back into the land of serious and out of all the thoughts of what he would say, that lead in was not on the list anywhere. She let the silence hang, still and calm, between them. It wasn't an uncomfortable silence as she waited and he seemed to gather his thoughts, "I just thought, maybe you want to get some breakfast with Alexis and me." The words tumbled out quickly and after a breath he continued speaking, filling the silence before she could respond as if he were unsure of himself or her potential reaction to the request. "If she already ate, she'd probably be happy with a hot chocolate or something. We can fuel up and grab a coffee before you head in to work and I go grab a change of clothes. I don't think it's a good idea to skip out on breakfast. I understand if you want to just grab something on the way in or if you're not hungry, but considering the fate of my last meal I was just thinking some food finally sounds good and I wouldn't want to spoil it by having to eat there, in front of the pictures and thinking about what it all means."

"Castle." She cut in as he took a breath, but looked like he was about to continue rambling. "It's not your best plan."

He nodded sagely, and started to turn away. He spoke as he made his way to the door, "Look, I'm sorry, Beckett. You're right. It's a dumb idea. I'll see you in a little while."

"Wait." She called as he reached the threshold and started out of her room. "That's not what I meant." She wondered briefly how many times they could say something that was so completely taken out of context. Deciding that it was time to just be straight, just the facts expressed with clear and concise statements, she saw the hope he had masked beneath the placid expression on his face as he waited her out. "I just think you should go home first, get changed and see Alexis. You can talk to her, ask her in person if she wants to join us, because it will probably mean she's late for school and I know how much she hates that. Then you, or you and Alexis, can meet me at Dolly's Diner and we can head straight to work from there."

He stared at her a moment, a hint of uncertainty blanketing his features as he took the few steps back to stand at the bedside, looking down at her for a moment, "Ah, so it's not my best plan, but you concede that it's not the worst one yet."

Kate rolled her eyes, but it was a halfhearted gesture. "I don't need it leaving this room that I'm a complete wreck." She watched the flash in his eyes and knew he was about to tell her off for thinking he would say anything to anyone. She knew he wouldn't so she cut in before he could even respond, "But you should know that it's easier with you there." He eyes fell away from him, unwilling to let him see how much this whole thing affected her. She knew he had some idea that she wasn't as strong and capable as she let on, but it was still new for her to share it with anyone. "I don't like the idea of walking in there alone and facing the fact that we've got nothing."

She felt the bed dip slightly beside her a moment before his face came into view over her, blocking the uninteresting white ceiling she had been regarding as she spoke. He leaned onto the mattress with one hand supporting him and before she realized his intent he had brushed a gentle kiss across her lips. He seemed as surprised as she was about the action and abruptly stood back up taking a small step back. "I know." He said and then turned to leave. She didn't know which part he was expressing knowledge of, but somehow she knew it was the entirety of her statement that he understood.

She lay there in silence as he finally left the room. She couldn't help reaching her fingers up to gently touch her lips. His impulsive act of kissing her seemed an entirely too intimate moment. It was something lovers did, a kiss before leaving, and she dismissed the negative connotations of that put forth by the side of her that had been at war, the side that had kept her from telling him everything.

Perhaps that was the part of her that she shouldn't have been listening to. Despite her previous experiences with the difference in her personality and reconciling them, she couldn't help but wonder if that 'voice of reason' that she always assumed was the angel on her shoulder, was actually the devil.

x.x.x

A/N: Yuck. That didn't go where it was supposed to. We should be back at the precinct a couple days into the case, but this is what happened instead. Sorry. I could have continued to where I had wanted to end this, but it's already getting long so we'll let Castle have a crack at it all next chapter.

I had a total geek moment yesterday. License plate on the car in front of me was SK8TANA. I'm sure it had something to do with Skating, but all I saw was Kate in Stana. Cracked me up, but my sister just rolled her eyes at me

Side note on reviewer's comments lately: If English is not your primary language; you can leave your review in your native language if that's easier. I can get it translated if you just let me know what language it is. That way it's easier, especially considering that English is such a frustrating language for people who are born here, having to learn it after probably learning a language with less stupid grammar and rules is probably tough.

Review that made my day: **eesperas**, Yes, go ahead and translate this. From your profile I'm guessing you'll translate it in Russian? That's a blanket authorization for anyone else, considering my foreign language is actually American Sign Language, and I can't translate it for those who don't read English. Just shoot me a message and let me know where to find the translated version, not that I'll know what to do with it once I know where it is. That's actually very cool and exciting.

**daphnebeauty**, you should shoot me a message next time you're visiting your family in my area and I'll buy you dinner. It'll be good to chat with someone about Castle without the above reaction I got from my sister for being a geek.

Thanks to everyone for reading.


	30. Chapter 30

Chapter Thirty

Castle wasn't sure Beckett would show up after what he'd done, but Alexis seemed glad to take the morning off school to spend with him so it wouldn't be a total bust if it was just him and her. He was certain her enthusiasm had something to do with her perceptive nature. He had walked in just as she was grabbing a banana and she took one look at him and asked, "Tough case?"

He'd given his daughter a brief nod, not interested in going into any specifics. "Just came to grab a change of clothes then we're getting some breakfast at the diner."

"Dad," she admonished, "You don't need a change of clothes, you need sleep."

Castle shrugged off her concern, "I grabbed a couple hours and I can sneak a nap in the break room later if I get too tired."

"You're too old to sleep on a couch." She responded, but he could see the hint of pride in her eyes. It had him thinking back to a time not long ago when she didn't look at him like that. He knew that he wasn't the only one affected by the change his life took when Beckett walked into it, but he didn't see it every day. It was moments like this that brought home exactly the kind of change his life had undergone, the changes he'd been through as a person.

He ignored her comment about his age, "So, your first class is still music, right?" at her nod and questioning look he asked, "Think you'll miss anything if you're not there today?"

"Why?" she asked and he noted the hint of trepidation in her voice as if she was concerned about what he might ask her and there went the level of maturity she had attributed to him.

"Beckett asked if you wanted to join us for breakfast." He decided on simple and to the point.

Alexis gave him a set of raised eyebrows and a small smile, "Is there something you two need to talk to me about?" she asked, the teasing lilt in her voice betrayed her thoughts on where the breakfast conversation might go.

"I wish." He responded, strangely at ease without a single filter on his thoughts. He already knew Alexis could read him like a book, but he didn't need to share his issues with her. He shook off the thought. "It's just this case. It seems to have brought up a lot of feelings about what is wrong in the world. I think Beckett knows me well enough to understand that when something like this gets to me, spending time with you is usually all I need to start seeing the good in the world again."

"Wow, no pressure, huh?" she laughed lightly, but he watched as she put the banana back where she'd gotten it from.

"Hey, don't think about it like that." He reassured her. "I think she just wants to soak up a little bit of our youthful innocence, live outside the day we had, even if just for a little while before we head back into the fray."

"Think she'd appreciate hearing you phrase it like that?" she asked doubtfully, and he caught the hint of a threat to rat him out in her voice. 

"No, I think she'd probably say that we needed to eat and she thought it was the only way she could get me to take a break and spend a little time with you." He responded, "But I know better than that. Look, if it makes you uncomfortable, you don't have to come."

"It's fine. I'd actually like that." There was something behind her admission and perhaps if he wasn't so tired he might understand. Instead, he didn't even have a chance as she continued speaking. "I have a test in AP English, but that's not until third period, so there's plenty of time."

It didn't take him long to slip into a fresh set of clothes and straighten out his hair. Alexis was waiting with her backpack when he came back into the room.

Their time in the cab was laced with light hearted conversation surrounding one of his favorite subjects, what was going on in the life of his daughter.

They were still five minutes out when his phone chimed. He knew it was Beckett and was almost tempted to ignoring it just so he didn't have to read that she was revoking the offer of joining them that she had given earlier. Figuring it was better to know instead of assume, he slipped his phone out of his pocket and opened it.

"Running behind. Be there in fifteen. Have a coffee waiting? Going to need it."

He tapped out a quick affirmation and slipped his phone away with the slightest sigh of relief that he hadn't run her off.

"Are you going to tell me about this case that has you both so on edge?" Alexis asked when he stared out the window in silence.

"No."

She frowned slightly at that, "Is it just work that's got you so off this morning?"

"No." he responded again, though he could tell she was picking something up. He fixed the lopsided smile on his mouth as he glanced at her before shifting focus back outside.

"Should I ask Beckett what's got you all incommunicative?"

"No."

She smiled at that, setting him up for the last time, "Are you capable of saying anything else?"

He grinned back at her, it wasn't a mask anymore, "No." he responded and she leaned into his side letting out that cute chuckle that always seemed to melt his heart.

x.x.x

Breakfast was a light event, with Beckett and Alexis holding down most of the conversation. Despite his initial misgivings, Castle found himself easily relaxing in the company of the two women. Somewhere in the back of his mind, as that thought struck him, he wondered when he had started considering his little girl with that title.

It was not a new feeling to experience the revelation that his baby was so grown up and it was not a new drop in his stomach. It was, however, the first time the realization had hit in a few weeks. It was the first time that he had to seriously consider life with a daughter gone and the potential of not even his job to go back to.

Castle excused himself, not interested in continuing his startling revelation in the middle of their breakfast and interrupting the soft laughter that floated between the two other occupants of the table. As he entered the bathroom, he found himself braced against the counter above one of the sinks.

His eyes found his reflection in the mirror. Absentmindedly he took in his features, the dark smudges beneath his eyes that spoke of his nearly sleepless night. The tightness in his jaw and pained look in his eyes as he finally let the thoughts that he stopped at the table wash over him.

It was like chilled water from a winter wave, a sudden striking cold that whipped through him. It was the realization that this could be the end of something that he had just begun to scratch the surface of and possibly the start of a new and darker chapter in his life.

Alexis was going off to school, that was inevitable. While he hated the idea, he had been able to assuage the feelings with the thought that he'd still have Kate and he'd still have work. Not writing, that wasn't really his focus any more, hadn't been in a long time. Work was solving murders with a couple of funny guys and a beautiful detective that he was more than crazy about.

Work was the thing that was supposed to hold him together when his daughter was gone and nights at home became an exercise in ignoring the feelings of loneliness that would inevitably follow him into his empty loft apartment. The thought of Kate's impending choice and what the wake of that decision could do to his life was like the sour icing on his bitter cake.

He allowed himself a moment to focus fully on the ramifications if she chose to marry Josh. He'd have to leave, at least the precinct, if not the city all together. He'd lose his newfound purpose; he'd lose his hope for spending the rest of his life with someone. He knew it had been ridiculous to build up that hope in the first place, but he hadn't been able to stop himself. Especially now, knowing her so intimately on top of everything, knowing how they were together as opposed to imagining how it might be, losing her would be the end of that thought process. Sure, someday he might meet someone, they might like each other and live a life content in each other's company, but it wouldn't be the same, it wouldn't be enough.

Before Beckett, he had been content to settle down in his two marriages, never really understanding what was missing from each of them. Knowing what he did now about the potential depth of feelings and emotions he could harbor towards a woman, he could easily see what both had been lacking. They were the type of settling he knew he would spend the rest of his life doing because he felt the difference with Kate. He felt the bonds they shared that went beyond physical attraction or even compatibility. There was something there.

The understanding snapped him out of his thoughts. She had to see it, too. If she didn't yet, she would in time if he just took a deep breath to regain himself and focused back on his plan. As he splashed cool water on his cheeks, he made a silent vow that as soon as this case was over he would lay it all out on the line. He had to be the one to step up before she could make the decision. He had to give her all the facts to weigh in as evidence in her list of reasons to answer the question she had been posed. But not now. He couldn't do it with such darkness hanging over both of them, not when she was vulnerable and neither of them had the focus or mental fortitude to handle a conversation that would certainly be gut-wrenching, at least for him.

He steeled himself to face the two unsuspecting and cheerful women he had left several minutes before and finally made his way out of the bathroom.

He walked into the main dining area in time to see Alexis taking purposeful strides towards the exit. He shot a confused look at Beckett who was gathering their things, but she didn't meet his eyes as she counted out cash to leave on the table. He made a mental note to pay her back for covering their breakfast.

By the time he took in the whole scene and was hit with a feeling that he missed something, he noticed Alexis was already at the curb; hand out to flag down a cab. When that finally registered, he started towards her, but before he even reached the door a yellow car had pulled to the curb and she was slipping her backpack off her shoulders as she climbed inside.

He was stopped in his tracks a moment, watching the scene play out and wondering if he had accurately interpreted his daughter's demeanor from her hurried gait, the set of her shoulders, and her stiff posture as she hailed the cab. Kate snapped him out of his pondering when she pushed his coat into his hands and started towards the door as well.

She turned back to him as she pushed against the metal bar on the mostly glass surface he had been watching his daughter through, "You coming, Castle?" she asked, a typical question, but in a voice that was anything but.

Once on the street he focused his gaze on her, as much as he could with the steady stream of pedestrians blanketing the sidewalk all around them, "What was that about?"

He noted that she didn't meet his gaze and that didn't sit well with him, "Alexis said to tell you she'd call later, but she had to get to school."

That almost stopped him in his tracks. It wasn't the first time she had lied to him, and he was certain it wouldn't be the last time, but this was about Alexis. She knew how worried he would be watching her leave the way she had and still she was feeding him some crap line that was less than reassuring.

"Tell me what happened." He responded tightly, grasping her arm gentle, just enough to have her stopping her forward motion and turning towards him. He noticed her sudden interest in the button of his shirt for what it was, another attempt to avoid making eye contact. He had been around her far too long to take the evasive action lying down. "Damn it, Beckett. What did you say to her?"

That got Kate's attention, fierce green eyes leapt up to meet his and he watched her chin raise defiantly. "It's nothing, Castle, but if you feel like you have to track her down at school and have a gossip party, then by all means, run along. _I_ have a murder to solve and a kid to find."

She yanked her arm free from his grasp and turned away, walking more quickly towards the precinct. She had parked at work and walked the three blocks down, leaving her with no option but to walk back, present company at her side.

"You'd tell me, right?" he finally asked, his quiet tone barely traversing the distance between them. She glanced at him with a raised eyebrow, silent question for elaboration clear in her eyes, "You'd tell me if it was something bad, even if she asked you not to say anything, right?"

This time she was the one who stopped him. She was fixing a reassuring smile in his direction and he felt a little lighter for the sight of it. "Sorry, I didn't even think about that." She replied, not really answering his question. "It's nothing like that, nothing to worry about." She seemed to be lost for words a moment as a light changed several feet from them and the swarm of people stopped at the intersection made their way across the street. They were far from alone, but there was enough space now for her to take a small step away. He watched as her focus shifted to a newspaper stand just down the block, still seemingly unable to meet his gaze.

"She sounded like she already knew, like you'd already told her, and I may have responded to her open ended questions with a few things that I shouldn't have." She finally responded.

Castle actually laughed a little at Beckett's apparent distress with the situation. "Now you know how I feel half the time." He said, but her glare stopped his humor, "Look, don't let it bother you. She is like a Jedi Master at using vague and universal statements to make you think that she knows everything about something she hasn't a clue about."

They continued walking again as if by mutual silent agreement. "I'm still sorry. I shouldn't have said anything."

"Listen, Beckett, its fine." He said as they neared the precinct and he knew they'd have to draw this conversation to a close. "Do I think she's old enough to know about certain things that happen in life? No. But then again, it's not something that anyone is 'old enough' to handle." He missed the confusion on her face as they entered the building and started towards the elevators. "Don't beat yourself up about it. She'd probably end up reading about it in the paper eventually, if she hasn't already." He continued, not seeing the horrified look on her face as he leaned across to press the button.

Silence blanketed them as the doors finally opened and they started the short trip up to the bullpen. He finally continued, "You didn't tell her any of the graphic details did you?"

"What?" she asked, and he was slightly confused by the utter surprise that came out in her gasped question. He watched her cheeks instantly color with a faint pink tinge as she glared at him as if outraged he would think so little of her. "Of course not." She told him vehemently.

Kate's concern for his daughter's mental health when she hadn't even dished the details and particular would have endeared her to him if she didn't already have that special place in his heart. "This is going to be a high profile case, Beckett. She'll probably hear more about it from the kids at school then you gave her, anyway." He reassured her and stepped out of the elevator, noting the understanding that crossed her features.

It seemed an odd emotion for the conversation, but he filed it away. It was time to focus and get to work. They had a case to solve.

x.x.x

A/N: I don't know why they're being uncooperative, but I was finally able to wrestle them back to work. We have a case to solve and the rest of a story to wrap up… my brain doesn't seem to care as I sit down to write and it deviates from my mission for the day. Oh! A Tuesday update… maybe I won't be mad at my brain for whatever it wants to do. Cancels out, carry on.

Review that made my day: **Beetlebug**, I've thought a couple of times about a cop out, since I tend to write pivotal scenes in advance and am struggling with my vision on the one coming up, but I think I like yours the best. "The Devil made her do it." Nice… I'll keep it as a backup in case I never get it figured out. I'm sure I won't need it, but it was still a nice laugh for me. Thanks.

Thanks to everyone for reading.


	31. Chapter 31

Chapter Thirty-One

Conversations with Castle could often lead her to being confused or one of them misinterpreting the other. She had always attributed it to the fact that the man was clearly riddled with ADD. However, never had she been so relieved to hear that she hadn't been following his sometimes twisted logic.

Walking back to the precinct with Alexis' words fresh in her mind, Kate had fallen into the trap of misunderstanding as she tried not to swallow her tongue in surprise at some of the things Rick said before she realized that he was thinking Alexis knew about their case. She supposed it was good that one of them was still able to focus on the case, even if it was the one of them that was clearly an undiagnosed ADD patient.

The morning was slow-going as they poured through the case files. By late afternoon, she had committed the facts to memory, they had run down a few leads without making headway and now she was staring at the murder board, trying to figure out their next move. Castle was perched beside her on the edge of her desk, and she gave him a brief sideways glance and a reassuring smile. He returned the gesture and that little half smile with a serious, concerned looked in his eyes and she was suddenly imagining her life without him in it.

The thought brought her back to her conversation with Alexis a few hours earlier. Despite her normal reaction, her stubborn tendency to do the opposite of what someone told her she needed to do or her raging independence, she found herself considering the girl's words instead of just brushing them off.

Beckett had seen the look on Castle's face as he left the table that morning. She allowed her eyes to follow his departure as she wondered what thought brought on the subtle darkness that hid in his eyes as he passed a believable smile to her and Alexis and excused himself.

Figuring it was something he didn't want to talk about in front of his daughter, she made a mental note to ask him about it later, wondering if perhaps he had a thought about the case. She shifted her focus back to the cheerful teenager she had just been swapping stories with. Kate was slightly confused when she turned back and found that the teen was no longer cheerful. She had a serious expression on her face and was fixing a look on Beckett that she would recognize from a mirror during an interrogation. The sudden shift was startling, but she simply took a sip of her coffee and waited for whatever Alexis was about to ask or say.

"I like you, Kate." The girl said after a long pause.

Beckett watched her swallow and couldn't help that her confusion was growing when Alexis didn't give off any hints of her intentions, "I like you, too, Alexis." She responded cautiously, entirely uneasy with where this might end up going. She knew Castle had some concerns about where his daughter was planning to attend college and if the teen was looking for her advice, it was going to be a difficult conversation. She had already gotten Castle's thoughts on the subject and knew that whatever she said could backfire on him and put that lost look back in his eyes.

She didn't need to worry about that, however, because she had barely gotten the words out before the glare from Alexis had her clamping her mouth shut. This was an entirely new experience for her and she was not excited to find out what was coming.

"I like you, but I love my dad." Alexis finally continued putting emphasis in all the places that made Kate wonder if it would have been safer to have followed Castle's retreat from the table instead of sitting here. Beckett wasn't sure if she was allowed to speak yet, so she refrained and just waited out the teen. After a moment, eyes still locked on hers as if searching for some kind of answers or reaction, Alexis finally continued, "I don't like what you're doing to him."

After another pause, Beckett became aware that she was expected to respond, "I don't know what you're talking about." She hedged.

"Don't." was the girl's quick reply. "I'm not stupid, but even if I were, my dad doesn't do a very good job of keeping things from me."

Kate couldn't integrate this new side of the girl with her impression of the one she had seen on most occasions. It was the same kind of thing Castle pulled on her sometimes. He would normally be so easy going and upbeat, but sometimes he'd break out the big guns and go completely serious on her.

It always shook her when he did it, but if she was honest with herself, when she looked back on those times, he'd always had a point or a purpose. Usually she was better for it in the end. With that thought in mind, she gave a leniency to his daughter wondering if it would have the same results. "Sorry. You're right." Swallowing the feeling that she was about to make a mistake, she continued, "What exactly did your dad tell you?"

"Enough." She responded. The vague nature of the response had Kate cocking an eyebrow at the teen, expecting elaboration before she offered anything up. "He didn't go into details, because, frankly, that's just gross. Actually he didn't even have to tell me, but he confirmed when I asked him." Alexis sighed, "If I really have to explain any more I'm probably going to need therapy, but you're a detective, you can figure it out."

Kate couldn't respond and she watched for several long seconds before Alexis threw her hands up in the air as if she were quitting. That got Beckett back into the conversation, "He shouldn't have told you. For one, it's none of your business, especially considering your age, and for another, what happened between your father and me is a private matter." With a sigh, Kate looked away from the girl, taking an interest in the pedestrians walking by on the sidewalk through a large window at the front of the restaurant. "Whatever it was, it isn't right now."

"If you're trying to tell me you don't have feelings for him, I'm calling bullshit right now. I've seen the way you..."

Kate had been momentarily shocked to hear the abrasive language come from Alexis who was normally more eloquent in her speech. So it took her a moment to finally cut in, "Whoa. Language, Alexis, this is a family place."

"You're not my mother." Alexis responded, and Kate was startled at the depth of emotion in the statement.

"I've never claimed to be." She sighed, seeing the hurt in the teen's eyes, "It's not my place, and no matter what happened in the past or might happen in the future with your dad, I'm not trying to push my way into your life."

Alexis was shaking her head, "That's not what I meant. I meant," Alexis shifted her eyes away when Beckett glanced back at her. "Look, my mom, she's a flake. She's flighty and selfish and doesn't care about anyone as much as she cares about herself. I accept this about her." Alexis waved off Beckett before she could say anything consoling. "I expected more from you. I expected, oh I don't know." She finished with an annoyed sound.

They sat in the silence of the teen's confession. It was nothing Kate didn't already know about the girl's mother or her relationship with her, but she'd only ever heard it from Castle's perspective. To have an entirely different, though eerily similar, set of blue eyes shining with pent up emotion on a subject that had obviously been the cause of serious heartache for a long time, made her ache just as deeply as when Castle's blue eyes shifted to a cool grey as sadness swept his features. Beckett tried desperately to think of something, anything, that she could say or do that would help take away some of the pain that this girl was feeling.

Alexis started again before Kate could think of anything that might be remotely helpful, "You use him, too and I'm getting tired of having to clean up the mess."

"I don't use him. I don't care about his money and I'm not looking for him to provide anything for me." after a moment, she caught on to the final statement and stopped herself to ask, "What mess?" It wasn't that she was trying to pump the girl for information, she told herself, it was a simple question for elaboration and nothing more. The excuse rang hollow even in her own mind.

"I don't understand how you could be so smart and so perceptive about everything around you except for him. I can't comprehend how you could not see how much what you're doing is hurting him." Alexis stood from the table, her chair legs scraping across the floor were loud in contrast to the quiet conversations going on around them. "I can't fathom how you can know him so well and not know him at all, or how you can look at my dad the way I've seen you look at him, and even _think_ about marrying some other guy."

Kate let her exasperation with this whole tirade get the better of her. She didn't need to sit here and listen to Alexis tell her things she already knew. She didn't want to admit any of it, especially not right now. The realization that there was something to acknowledge was enough to get her hackles up, even if the reaction was now misdirected at the teen instead of in to herself. "I'm not marrying Josh." She replied in exasperation.

"Not right now or not ever?" Alexis pushed back.

Kate clamped her teeth over her lip hard to keep from admitting anything else that she should be discussing with Castle, not his teenage daughter.

"That's what I thought." Alexis said sarcastically, grabbing her coat and slipping it on before she picked up her backpack out of the vacant fourth seat and glared at Kate. "I won't stand by while you jerk him around like this. Either you're with him or you're with another guy, but don't play with his feelings. There's only so much he can take and I won't always be around to clean up the mess you leave in your wake."

"I'm not, I didn't," Kate was shocked into a lack of coherent speech. "Look, I don't know what to tell you. I didn't mean to hurt him. I didn't mean for any of this to happen, it just did." She was finally able to explain, not feeling very satisfied with her own answers and feeling her ears burn from the place this conversation had gone.

"I'm a little old to fall for the 'oops it was an accident' line, Kate." Alexis finally seemed to settle down as she took in Kate's expression and the detective couldn't help wondering if her discomfort with the current conversation and confusion over the situation with Castle were displayed for the teen to clearly see. "Look, I'm going to go. Tell Dad I went to school and I'll call him later. If he sees me like this," she gestured to herself, "he's going to know something's up."

"Alexis," Kate tried to call her back.

She turned back towards Beckett with familiar sad blue eyes, "I don't want your apology. I want your decision." She didn't stop there, though Kate was sure she had gotten the message. "Either pick him, all of him, or cut him loose. You make the call by next week or I'm going to make it for you. I'll throw an 'I'll miss my dad too much to go off to college' fit befitting of the Castle name, which will have him following me straight out of New York to live in some apartment near my college campus. I'll be damned if I'm going to leave him here with nothing but an empty house to go home to when you break his heart again."

With that, Alexis spun on her heal and headed towards the door. The moment of numbness lasted for far less time than she thought it might, before she was moving to gather her and Castle's things and pay the bill.

It wasn't until much later as she sat in the precinct that she realized the feeling of being numb had not gone away when she thought it had.

Then she saw it. The faintest hint of a trail and all thoughts of Alexis or Castle were swept from her mind as she rounded her desk and dropped in her chair. She dug through the file until she came to the interview notes and barely registered the presence of Castle leaning over her shoulder to read the document she was going through.

She knew, if she looked at him, she'd see the thoughtful expression he got when he was trying to play catch up with her brain, but she wasn't telling him what she'd thought of. It's not that she was trying to keep him out of the case or her thoughts, but she couldn't let the thought side track her as she poured through the pages. She didn't look at him until she'd reached the statement that had been nagging at her subconscious.

"What?" he asked when she turned towards him.

"Something Alexis said." She replied, thinking about the girl's words, 'I won't always be around' and it came back to her as she scanned the documents.

She turned away from Castle. "Ryan." She called out to the detective. "Get me everything you've got on Hank Fletcher."

x.x.x

A/N: Geez, writing an angry Alexis was hard. Not sure if she's actually capable of that level of anger or if she'd be so forward as to talk to Beckett like that, but I've been tinkering with it forever now and I'm not going to get it to feel any more natural, so I hope it came across alright.

On a side note, is it crazy that I'm excited for the season finale so that I know the mental state of the characters for my summer fic? I'm stoked on the crime plot that came to me from a death certificate my friend at work was processing. I work with retirement plans and while there was nothing unusual about this situation of moving money to a person's beneficiary, the death certificate was from a foreign country and the circumstances were just unusual enough to get my brain bubbling.

My desk buddy thinks I'm a little crazy for all the thoughts that pop into my head, but she's always throwing out little ideas just to hear me spin a tale that ties everything together in a dark and interesting way. Not that I'm dark or interesting, that's just what she says. She did make reference to a concern for my genetic make-up, but I assured her that there were only petty criminals, druggies and a couple of murderers in the current living generation of my family tree, so she's probably safe as long as she doesn't steal my post-it pad or move my stapler.

Review that made my day: **colando,** **FanficwriterGHC, Scully223, **and** Blooky**, who unwittingly inspired this entire exchange. I was only going to hint at what was said, but reading the reviews and people's curiosity, when I sat down to write, this is what came of it.

Thanks to everyone for reading.


	32. Chapter 32

Warning:  Dark and disturbing imagery, if you're squeamish, skim it or skip to about the middle, but you might be lost next chapter. Feel free to send me a PM and I'll send you a less graphic synopsis of this chapter.

Chapter Thirty-Two

Castle was in a fog, had been since they left the bullpen. He knew he shouldn't have gone down to the morgue with Beckett. Something in him screamed to stay behind, run the families' financials with Ryan or go through the fan mail with Esposito, or just stay in his chair and try to distract himself with a game of Angry Birds if he could think of nothing else.

He had ignored the voice and had been paying the price ever since.

He'd seen the boy's body in the alley and was certain that going down there now couldn't have provided any more gruesome imagery to his already haunted thoughts, but he'd been wrong.

They walked in to see the boy covered neatly in a white sheet from the chest down. That view provided no hint as to the reason for him to be lying pale and lifeless on the table as the sheet covered the wounds. Jacob Henley's young eyes, glassy and unseeing, stared up into the bright overhead lighting and despite talking himself down as they made their way here, Castle didn't stop himself from looking into the lifeless orbs.

It wasn't the state of the body; though he couldn't see it he could easily recall the prior visions. It wasn't the unblinking, unseeing eyes, clouded over with a mask of death, a sight that had always disturbed him on some level. It was the table itself. More aptly, it was the size of the table in reference to the size of the body.

The extra length of table below the boy's feet seemed to stretch out with nothing occupying it but the bottom of the sheet. If Castle blurred his vision just enough, he could almost convince himself it was an amputee, a full grown man with no legs and that was why the length of table was bare. Unfortunately, even with unfocussed eyes, he could see the matching lumps where the boy's feet bulged beneath the sheet, exposing the lie in his thoughts. Despite his willingness, he was unable to look away.

Lanie and Beckett had been talking; he knew he should be listening. Castle wanted justice in this one and he was going to be worthless in the hunt if he didn't have the facts.

After a couple of minutes he finally forced his mind back to the present, forced his brain to pay attention to the conversation, and found himself suddenly very upset that he'd chosen that moment.

"Any sign of sexual assault?" Beckett asked and he felt the air leave his body.

He was certain of the answer that would follow, but couldn't find a way to pull his focus back out of the conversation now that he'd made the physical effort to invest in it. He knew from the location of the wounds, the obvious rage and violence of the attack, there was no way the answer would be anything but yes. He hoped there would at least be DNA evidence.

Lanie surprised him when she responded, "No. It doesn't appear so." He looked to her, confused by the answer. He saw her swallow, hard, as if she were going to explain the reasons it didn't look like an assault of that nature, but even thinking about it made his stomach turn again. He was glad that the medical examiner seemed to have similar thoughts, as she finished, "How about just 'No' there's no indication of that."

"But the wounds? The killer seems to have been trying to get rid of that part of him specifically like he was ashamed or frustrated. It seems very sexual." Castle shocked himself by pointing it out.

He screamed in his head to shut up even as the words formed and tumbled out of his mouth. He didn't want further details, he wanted this trip to the morgue to be over, he wanted to leave the slightly chilled room, the cloying scent of various disinfectants, the sight of the small boy. He couldn't believe he didn't choke on his own words. Now, they were out there, analysis in progress as the two women contemplated his words.

"I'll preface this with the statement that I'm not a psychologist, but amend that statement with the fact that I have seen a lot of bodies roll through here in my time." He almost lost it completely as Lanie pulled back the sheet to lay witness to her words as she continued uninterrupted by either of them.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, he thought that Kate must find it weird for him not to interrupt, but the thought was fleeting. "There's bruising around the wounds that suggest the knife was used so forcefully that the hilt itself cut into the flesh on occasion. The wounds are generally located between his lower abdomen and upper thighs. While there is obvious damage to the genital area, it is not focused there. This reminds me more of cases where a jealous wife takes out their cheating husband or a rape victim seeking revenge against their attacker."

"How so?" Beckett asked, and he was almost glad she did. Not that he needed to hear any more, but because he wasn't currently capable of thought much less speech and somehow he knew that one of them needed to be paying attention.

"In sexual assault, the violence is usually focused very narrowly. It's as if the predator wants to destroy the object of their desire, likely with the misguided thought that the act will also destroy that desire." Lanie shook her head, as if trying to get the images out as she reached to cover the boy again. "This is more of a broad attempt to destroy the entire person, with a side focus on the location."

"More like vengeance?" Kate asked, but he heard the note in her voice like another puzzle piece was falling into place. Damn, he loved her brain. They were going to get this guy, Castle was sure of it, he just hoped they made it in time.

It seemed odd, a few minutes later, when Lanie walked out into the hall with them. The more he thought about it, as the three of them seemed to make inane conversation, he realized she was doing what she could to distance herself from the situation. He realized, not for the first time, that the tough as nails medical examiner obviously found herself just as affected by this as the rest of them. She seemed so calm and professional most of the time, but there was something about this case that seemed to be eating at all of them.

His case focus was shattered several minutes later as they seemed to be winding down in conversation and Lanie shot him a sideways glance before smiling slyly at Kate and asking, "So, how's the single life treating you?"

He was sure his mouth was hanging open as the words penetrated his focus and he watched Beckett closely. The instant the word were out, Kate's eyes narrowed dangerously on her friend. The anger, hurt and betrayal she was obviously feeling clearly reflected in her glare. To her credit, Lanie didn't seem fazed by an expression that, if directed towards him, would have had him quaking in his boots.

It wasn't the information she had deliberately kept from him or even the way she looked at her friend as if she was plotting a murder, it was when she finally glanced at him that he had enough. Her face was like a bulletin board with big bold letters across the surface that seemed to read 'Back off' with an undercurrent of something else. Something that looked like a sick cross between fear and regret.

He knew what she was saying as she looked at him. The unspoken words were like a lance through him. It was the same reason she hadn't said anything. She had let him go on thinking she was still with Josh for who knows how long because she had no interest in a repeat performance of them together. She didn't want him the way he wanted her and he was angry.

He was pissed at her for keeping it from him, for using him, for leaving him to suffer with thoughts of her marrying another guy, for using that expression to remind him that regardless of her status as a single woman, there was no way she'd want him. He hated the feeling in his gut, hated the situation, her opinion of him, hated her. He knew he was being overly dramatic, knew he didn't actually hate her, but that knowledge didn't stop the feelings from raging through him for an instant.

He couldn't face her and turned, starting blindly towards the elevator. He vaguely heard her calling to him, but ignored it. He needed some space to breathe.

He didn't get that space as he heard her heels on the tile floor, quickly following his retreat. "Castle, wait." By the time he got on the elevator she had caught up with him.

He didn't turn around after boarding the lift. Instead, he moved to a corner, grasping the handrails there and hoping they were enforced enough to hold the weight he was currently not able to trust his legs to hold up on their own. The way Lanie said it, there was no chance this was a new change Beckett had just not happened to mention to him in the past 12 hours.

He wondered how long she had been free and a moment of relief washed over him as he thought perhaps he hadn't been the cause of her and Josh splitting up, perhaps that had come before. Even as the relief waned, guilt followed, but quickly ebbed. In the span of a few short seconds, he was left with a hollow feeling in his gut. All he could think about was that she hadn't told him. She had intentionally left him in the dark.

He knew why she had done it. On some level, he knew. He just didn't want to accept it. Even thinking about it made that burning in his stomach turn into a deep pulsing ache. He didn't want to consider that she had done it to spare his feelings. Save him from having to know that she wasn't interested in the same things he was.

He'd never made a secret of his feelings for her. That wasn't true, he'd tried to keep that under his hat, but he was unsuccessful in the extreme, if the regular razzing he got from Ryan and Esposito was anything to go by. They called him on it all the time. Never in front of Beckett, but if they could see it, she most certainly had a long time before.

"Castle?" she tried to get his attention.

He didn't want her to talk, didn't want her to burst the little bubble of hope he had built up. Thinking something and having it confirmed were two very different things. He could think she might say something, but if she didn't actually say it he could keep hold of his hope.

"Look at me." She asked, but he couldn't do it. He couldn't face the pity or apology in her eyes. "Please, Rick?"

Her tone would normally stop him short. She was never one to plead, especially with him, but he didn't want to have this conversation right now. He knew he wasn't strong enough to face the potential heart ache that her reasoning for not telling him would unleash. "No." his tone was hard and cold, but calm despite the crushing feeling in his chest. "Not here, please. Not now." It was his turn to plead with her.

Watching her distorted reflection in the surface of the elevator walls, he sees that she is trying to make eye contact with him despite the poor reflective surface. Silence stretches between them like a physical weight pressing down on him and leaving him wondering if this even touched her at all. "We need to focus, ok?" he finally said, taking a long breath to steady himself. "We need to focus on Jacob and April. We don't have the luxury of doing this right now."

He was actually proud of how steady his voice was, how much logical sense he was making despite the blood pulsing through his veins.

After a long moment, she reaches out to him, but he shifts away from her and her hand falls back to her side. With a sigh, she seemed to understand and he watches her nod, accepting the silence between them.

Finally, they reach the bullpen, and just as the elevator slows, he turns, attempting to blanket over the emotions warring through him so they weren't projecting from his features.

"I'm sorry." She says quietly as the doors slide open.

The simple sentence sends his mind reeling again, but he doesn't have time to catch his breath as Ryan and Esposito flag them down the moment they are spotted through the door.

Castle doesn't miss the confused looks from Ryan and Esposito as the two detectives, astute as always, don't miss that there is something wrong. However, by the time they join the other detectives at the murder board, everyone seems to have refocused on the case at hand.

"Looks like that hunch might have some serious weight behind it." Ryan said, clipping a DMV photo of Hank Fletcher onto the board under the heading suspect.

"Fletcher hasn't been to work since Jacob's body was found." Esposito explained.

Beckett seemed to take this in with a single nod, turning her focus to the slightly grainy photo of the man in question. "Get the info to Agent McCain and his team. Fletcher lives in a studio apartment, he probably couldn't keep the kids there. Ryan, Esposito, look into his financials, see if there's another property somewhere."

Castle wasn't surprised when the boys turned to their task and Kate was once again focused on him, "We're going to be here late tonight, Castle. If you want to head home," she offered, allowing her statement to fall away and him to take it as he would.

"Not a chance in Hell, Kate. I'm in this."

She nodded. "Ok, I'm sure McCain will be in shortly." he thought that was the end of it, but when he moved to his seat he felt her hand on his arm stopping his motion. "After seeing him," she didn't need to elaborate on who she was talking about, "I'm not going to be able to eat, but could you grab something for the guys? They need dinner and we're not getting out of here for a while."

He nodded. There was no other response to that. He'd like to be there with them, searching for the answers they needed, but he understood the need for space as well as the food that he might be able to talk her into eating if he played his cards right.

x.x.x

A/N: Hmm… Case feels rushed to me, but I guess that's because it's usually my focus and this time I'm not doing a case fic. Not having a couple hundred pages to lay out the facts in evidence makes me feel like I'm cheating you all out of that chase and figuring out who the killer is on your own, but that will have to wait until next time when I'm not writing introspection and actually have a case to lay some focus on.

If this wasn't 75% written before the finale, you wouldn't have a chapter tonight because my brain is mush after that. Wow, just wow. Needless to say, it's late, I'm tired, and this is under-edited again because I had to watch it again after it was over.

Review that made my day: **DarkStrider**, for putting into words what I was trying to accomplish and therefore making me feel like I hit the mark I had set, at least a little bit.

Thanks to everyone for reading.


	33. Chapter 33

Chapter Thirty-Three

Staring at the murder board without actually seeing it, as she listened to Ryan and Esposito trying to run down leads, Kate's eyes got stuck on the face of the young boy in the school picture. It was the familiar shade of blue in his eyes that caught her. It was the eyes of her partner passed to his daughter that seemed to drive home the fact that this was someone's child more than any other aspect of the case.

Beckett knew loss was difficult, but this was a loss she couldn't even fathom, never had been a parent. She found herself closer to understanding the more time she spent with Castle. Her friends didn't have kids and neither did she, so Castle was the only person she interacted with who had kids. She knew how hard it would impact him if something happened to Alexis and somehow, despite how heart wrenching these cases were normally, this one became even more so.

She didn't want the intimate knowledge of how this type of loss could devastate a person as she was sure it would him. She wasn't sure how she was supposed to run an investigation, meet with the parents, when she had that kind of intimate knowledge of the pain and torment the person being interviewed was likely experiencing.

She didn't notice when Castle came back from his pointless mission of procuring dinner that could have been delivered. She didn't realize that he somehow slipped a carton of Chinese food into her hands. She didn't even make the connection that she was eating until she was full and looking into a nearly empty take out container.

She finally pulled her eyes off the whiteboard. She spotted him in a quick sweep of her gaze as he leaned casually against Ryan's desk, working with the other detectives. Obviously, he was giving her the space she had pushed him for. She didn't know how much longer she could keep pushing him away and some part of her was no longer sure why she was doing it in the first place.

It was as if he knew she was looking, or perhaps he was too in the habit of keeping an eye on her, because it was only a short moment after her gaze landed on him that his eyes shifted to meet hers. He gave her a weak smile and she lifted the take out container just slightly as if to thank him. He simply nodded and tucked back into his own food, trying to keep up with the conversation between Ryan and Esposito surrounding the case.

She was pulled from her lack of focus by Castle calling her name. When she acknowledged him by bringing her eyes to meet his gaze she realized it wasn't the first time he had attempted to get her attention and he had actually moved up to stand near her. She nodded for him to continue.

"What made you think it was Fletcher?" he asked, but only received a quirked eyebrow, because apparently she needed more sleep since she wasn't following him. "I mean, what was it that Alexis said to make you think it was him." He asked, starting to flip through the file again.

She shrugged, trying to figure out a way to say it without giving away the context of their conversation. "Something about worrying that she won't always be around to take care of you."

He seemed to think about this a moment flipping through to the page with their statements. "He said he broke up a fight where she was being bullied by several other students and gave her private tennis lessons, doesn't really shout crazed kidnapper."

She pulled the file out of his hand as another thought struck her. "What if the house wasn't in his name? Maybe it's something he has access to?"

"He'd know which families were out of town, but it's the middle of the school year." Castle responded, apparently forgetting his initial question. "Maybe he has some relatives with property in the area?" he asked.

She missed building theory with him, something didn't feel the same about this and she knew it was the undercurrent of tension that was following them wherever they went. "Guys," she addressed Ryan and Esposito, "Check out his family history." She passed the file back to Castle, "Let's check in with the school, see if there are any families that have been out of town this whole time."

It had taken over an hour to get in touch with someone who was able to get into the school that night and access the records, but it turned out to be a waste. By the time Beckett hung up with the vice principal, she was beginning to feel the fingers of exhaustion pulling at her.

Suddenly, Esposito shot out of his seat, slamming the phone down in its cradle. "We got him." The detective said, tossing his little notebook to Beckett so she could take down the address, "He inherited a house from his mom, but the deed was never transferred. It's still registered to her under her maiden name that she reverted to after she and Fletcher's father divorced.

Everything from there seemed to move in fast forward as they geared up and prepared to ride out on the address immediately. She didn't want to get her hopes up, but couldn't seem to squash the little bit of hope that sored in her with the news.

Once they were finally ready and headed out of the precinct, Kate called Agent McCain again. She had been surprised that he was still not there from the earlier phone call, but once she got him on the line it became obvious. He apologized for not getting her call earlier as he seemed to be soothing a whimpering baby in the background of their conversation. "I'll meet you there." He told her before taking down the address. "Don't wait for me." He said just before hanging up.

She understood that his request for them to move if he didn't get there with them didn't have anything to do with him shirking his duties. He knew as well as she did that every minute could be a game changer.

Finishing the call, she turned towards the three guys and signaled that it was time to head out. From her spot beside the car, she watched as Castle seemed to debate something before finally walking over and sliding into the passenger seat. She knew what he was thinking as his eyes darted between her and the two detectives climbing into a cruiser a few cars down. He had been thinking about riding with them.

She wondered how they had gotten this far, but she didn't have to wonder on it long, because she knew a lot of it was that fear of action on her part. Sure, he'd been an ass, he'd said things that were more hurtful than she could have expected from him.

Surprisingly, she wasn't as mad at him as she knew she should be, or perhaps hoped she would be. She had finally come to accept her part in what had happened between them and the damage she caused. Her inability to send him away that first night, the offhand comment that set him off in his loft, even her silence had done the same just a few hours before.

She wasn't fooling herself with what they'd find when they made it to location. If the girl was even there, the odds of her being alive, much less unharmed, were slim. She didn't want whatever this was between her and Castle following her into the darkness she might be facing in just a few short minutes and being another thing that would drag her down in the aftermath.

"I was going to tell you." She finally spoke, her soft tone shattering the silence that had surrounded them through the first tense minutes of travel.

"Beckett." He said her name like a warning and under any other circumstance she would have laughed at the total role reversal. Normally it was her trying to get him to stop talking.

He should have known that her own methods wouldn't work on her, but she watched the muscles in his jaw tighten as he seemed to clamp down when she ignored him. "We need to talk about this."

"There's nothing to talk about." He responded tightly, avoiding her gaze by staring out the window beside him. His body language screamed his need to hide from this conversation as he seemed to lean into his door heavily, apparently in an attempt to put as much distance between them as he could.

"The hell there isn't." she snapped.

His eyes did move to her then, but only briefly before he was staring straight ahead again. It only took him a moment for the anger she had seen building in him to boil over. "What do you want to talk about?" he asked, but it was obviously rhetorical as he barreled on heedless of her potential response. "Do you want to talk about how you lied to me? How, after all these years of telling me that you weren't a one night kind of girl, you threw everything we are away for exactly that? You took everything, _everything_, I told you and threw it back in my face. Or maybe you could explain to me how that one night was worth giving up what we've built over the past three years?" his voice was rising now, but he didn't yell at her.

The cold tone was somehow worse than the screaming match she could have easily seen the fallout of them being. "Don't even try to pin this all on me, I wasn't the only one there."

"You were the only one fighting this." He gestured between them, and she heard the intensity in his voice. No longer cold, she realized that had been his way of trying to control his emotions. "Fighting _us_."

She swallowed around the sudden lump in her throat as his words hit home. When her eyes blurred slightly, she realized now was not the time, but it had started and it needed to be finished. Checking her surroundings and blinking away the moisture, she felt her spine straighten as she went on the defensive. Kate knew she was acting like a cornered animal, but something told her that if they didn't finish this conversation now, they never would.

"You're the one that ran off in the middle of the night." She responded sharply.

Castle's quick inhale was the only indicator of his shock she could sense as her eyes were busy scanning the streets in front of her for either the address they had been headed to or Ryan and Esposito's car. The other men had gotten ahead of them while Kate was distracted with Castle. She spotted the cruiser a little over a block ahead and wanted nothing more than for the cars in front of her to disappear so she could be there already and get out of the car before one of them said something else that they'd regret.

"What the hell was I supposed to do, Kate? Huh?" he was so quiet, she almost couldn't hear him over her own pulse.

She pulled up in a spot several cars down from Ryan and Esposito and reached in the back seat for her vest. "Stay in the damn car, Castle. I'm serious."

"Was it guilt?"

His question seemed so out of place that she stopped in the middle of opening her door to turn a questioning look his direction.

"That night, after we," he didn't finish the sentence; she knew exactly what he was talking about. "You don't cry, Kate, not unless it's something profound or horrible." He kept his eyes on hers, never wavering. "So, I just thought," he trailed off, eyes falling away from her a second before coming back up with purpose as if he had found a new resolve or some hidden reservoir of strength. "Was it guilt?"

This time when he asked, everything seemed to fall into place. She shook her head, "It wasn't guilt." She was finally able to say. "I have to go in, Castle."

"What was it?"

"It was," her voice trailed off as she tried to figure out how to say it. "amazing." She finally breathed, not willing or able to lie to him.

His sigh came first, followed quickly by a small smile that she didn't stop herself from leaning across the car and brushing her lips across before she stepped out.

She turned to find her two detectives staring at her with matching looks of surprise and cocky little smiles. "Oh, shut up." She told them, fastening the Velcro on her vest. As if it flicked a switch, the act itself instantly shifted them all into full blown seriousness as they descended on the house, guns at the ready.

x.x.x

A/N: Ok, tomorrow or Saturday will be the first chapter of my new fic, but I won't leave this one hanging long and will probably have a chapter out this weekend for this as well. Now, it's after midnight and I have to go to bed. If you see any glaring errors I missed in my lack of editing, shoot me a message and I'll fix it after work tomorrow after work.

Review that made my day: **Aliah Rose**, I love it when you guys get as invested as I do. Talking to the characters makes me feel like a wacko, but at least I'm not alone.

Thanks to everyone for reading.


	34. Chapter 34

Chapter Thirty-Four

"You're the one that ran off in the middle of the night." She cut in sharply. From the look on her face once the words were out, she was as surprised to have said that as he was to hear the words.

Castle drew in a quick breath that burned in his lungs as her words registered and he was left to wonder what she meant by that. He couldn't fully grasp what she was saying. He can't have interpreted it correctly. She couldn't have been saying that she'd wanted him to stay.

"What the hell was I supposed to do, Kate? Huh?" he asked quietly, wishing that she would just be straight with him for a change, because he was sick of trying to figure out her motives.

He should have known better. Silence greeted his question as she pulled to a stop and turned her gaze in his direction, "Stay in the damn car, Castle. I'm serious."

His heart was racing, he'd hoped her words would answer his question and now he just felt a sense of loss at the sudden switch back to professionalism. His mind was sucked back again and again to that moment as her tears fell against his bare skin. As she grabbed her handle to step out he had to ask, had to get it out before they lost this moment of honesty, if it wasn't already gone. "Was it guilt?"

Castle watched her freeze just as her door unlatched and she turned to him with confusion clear on her features. "That night, after we," he couldn't finish the sentence; not with the current state they were in, not with the lack of knowledge on how she would take his word choice. He'd say 'made love' and she'd scoff in his face or he'd use a less true but safer and more abrasive term and she'd be upset with him. Instead he let the sentence trail off and watched her expression.

When he knew she was with him, he continued. "You don't cry, Kate, not unless it's something profound or horrible." He kept his eyes on hers for a moment, ensuring that she understood what he was trying to convey. "So, I just thought," he didn't know what he thought. He couldn't put into words the crushing weight those tears had put on him. When he realized he was hiding from her gaze like a coward, he forced himself to meet the curious green depths across the small space between the two seats. "Was it guilt?" he repeated.

He watched as understanding seemed to clear the features of her face, something that made her look far more relaxed than she had in days, maybe weeks. "It wasn't guilt." She said simply, shaking her head subtly. When her mouth opened again, he hoped she'd explain, but instead she said, "I have to go in, Castle."

He couldn't let it go, "What was it?" he pleaded, as if his words might call to her and keep her here just a moment longer so that he could understand. He needed to understand, because nothing seemed to make sense any more.

"It was," she started, but her voice trailed off and he felt that nervous energy again. In the short silence him mind finished the sentence for her over and over. It was… 'a mistake', 'wrong', 'stupid', half a dozen other negative thoughts filtered through before she finally sucked in a slow breath and let it out with one soft word "amazing."

He hadn't realized he'd been holding his breath for her answer, but at the word his breath came out in a long slow sigh. The one word spoke volumes to her state of mind in that moment and he couldn't believe that he had so grossly misinterpreted her tears. He hated himself for not simply asking her that night.

Hope soared in him, but he only allowed a small smile to pull across his lip where a huge grin wanted to spread. She seemed to be saying the tears were inspired by their time together, positively, and on some level he couldn't fully grasp that. It became more than clear that's what she meant when she leaned across the middle console and brushed her lips tentatively across his.

He wanted to pull her to him and deepen that kiss more than anything, but she was pulling away and then out the door before it full registered through his shock that she had even kissed him.

Watching out the window, he saw Kate's chin rise just slightly a defiant gesture he knew well and he could practically see that she was rolling her eyes at Ryan and Esposito. The sudden thought of the other two detectives had his blood pressure shooting up. This might have been confusing a few short minutes ago, but that small act on her part had said so much. He hoped it meant what he thought and that this was an indication that she felt they were something more. Not just a physical connection, but something that she wasn't asking to hide from the men they worked with.

He watched Kate fasten the Velcro on her vest and the matching serious expression that covered the three faces of the detectives as they drew their weapons and started towards the house they all hoped would be the location where April Paulson was being kept.

For the first time since arriving, Castle took in the neighborhood and the ramshackle house they were approaching. It was a rundown mess amongst messes. The house was dilapidated, chipping pain, broken windows covered in plywood. On one side of the house was a small apartment complex, with a rusted swing set in the middle of a small paved area. The swings were markedly absent, save for one, but it could hardly be called a swing any more. One short chain beside another with the seat hanging down towards the ground from that longer side. Remnants of a long neglected garden sat yellow and overgrown with weeds on the side nearest the house Beckett and the boys were approaching.

That house, while an eyesore in any neighborhood, barely stood out here. The faded yellow paint was chipped over a dirty white undercoat. There wasn't a window along the front that didn't have boards over it. The distinct pattern of holes and splintered wood from near the door off to one side of the house spoke of a drive by shooting.

Suddenly, Castle wondered how safe he'd be sitting in a police car in a neighborhood like this. He didn't give himself long to think on it as he leaned across her empty seat. He felt something dig into his hip as he stretched to maneuver around the steering wheel, feeling blindly along the far side of the dash. Finally, his fingers brushed the slight indentation and he pushed, hearing the truck latch release.

By the time he rounded the car and pulled out his vest with "WRITER" emblazoned across it, Beckett, Ryan and Esposito had disappeared into the house. Eerie silence seemed to overtake the neighborhood as he pulled the vest on tightly and started to follow their path to the front.

When he reached the door, however, the silence was shatter with shouting from inside.

He could hear them all distinctly, though they seemed to be speaking at the same time. Everything slowed to a snail's pace as the words floated out to him from somewhere beyond the darkened entry of the house.

"Put it down, Fletcher!" Kate shouted.

At almost the same moment Esposito said, "Drop the knife."

Ryan was just a little behind the other two, "Let the girl go."

Castle's heart was racing as he took the two steps back down to the broken walkway and dashed around the back to see if there was another way in. As his feet moved him along the tiny, overgrown yard, Castle wondered what he was doing. He wasn't even armed, but was trying to find a way to sneak in behind whatever was going on. He knew it was stupid, but for some reason, his feet kept moving.

The handle on the back door turned easily and he pushed it open, cringing as it let out a loud creek either from the wood itself or the obviously long neglected hinges.

He approached the sound of their voices and it was a matter of seconds before he stood back and to the side of Hank Fletcher. The sight that greeted him sent his heart skidding in his chest. Fletcher was grasping the small body of April Paulson tightly to his chest, to cover himself from the three detectives that were slowly inching around to fan out wider, obviously in the hopes of getting a clear shot.

Castle could see that he was anchoring the shocked child to him with one arm around her waist, while his other held a menacingly large hunting knife against her small throat. "Stop moving!" he finally shouted back after ignoring the detectives' insistent pleas to put his weapons down. "I'll cut her." He threatened.

Castle felt a sudden and eerily inexplicable sense of calm come over him as Beckett's logic seeped into his mind and he finally found the ever-persistent answer to the motive of April's gym teacher. Rick stepped more fully into the room and said, "You're not going to hurt her."

Fletcher jerked, and for a second Rick thought he may have just sliced along the young girl's throat. Panic welled in that split second before he realized she was still fine and the extreme calm settled back over him. In the wake of that terror, he noted a slight tremor in his hands and knew this calm wouldn't last as the adrenaline took hold.

Focusing all his energy on looking casual, he glanced at Beckett as she spoke to him, her voice tinged with anger and frustration, "I said wait in the car."

Castle shrugged, "Doesn't look all too safe out there." She was glaring at him, but he wasn't letting her get to him. He responded casually, if a little flippant, "Do you have any idea how many drug houses are probably on this block?"

The his surprise, Fletcher was the next to speak, "Three." He said simply, but the look on his face spoke to the point that he didn't realize he was conversing with them. It was like he was in a daze as the events leading here likely weighed on him.

"See, Beckett?" Castle joked, "Safer in here, I bet."

He could tell that Fletcher was getting more nervous by the second and he knew that he would likely reach a point where nothing mattered anymore and that's when things would get ugly. "It's hard isn't it, Hank?" he asked. Castle knew better than to expect a response, but the other man had a confused look on his face that spoke to the fact that he was listening, even if he wasn't responding. "It's hard to keep someone else safe. Believe me, I know. At least she probably wants your help to keep her safe." He elaborated, before gesturing towards Beckett. "She's never happy when I try to do anything to take care of her."

"Yeah." The man's weak voice met Castle's ears and he knew he was being given time to speak.

Tentatively Rick took a small step forward, but the move went unnoticed as he raised his hands in supplication and continued. "That's all you've been doing this whole time. The bullies at school, that's what started it, right?" a tiny nod was all he needed, though the other man in the conversation began to look increasingly agitated.

"It was easiest at school." Castle pointed out, "She was close and you could keep an eye on her, make sure nothing happened." The man was nodding. It was almost imperceptible, but he saw it. "I know how tough that is." He said casually taking another small step.

He just needed Fletcher to turn towards him, just a little and he could see that Ryan would have a clear shot if he needed to take it. "Then something happened at home, didn't it? Something to do with her parent's divorce?"

Castle watched as Fletcher's hold on the knife loosened as he turned his hand. He pulled the knife away from the girl's throat and brushed the back of his hand across her cheek, wiping away the trail of quiet tears. "She was so sad, didn't take long to realize her Mom's new boyfriend was obviously doing something to her. I had to do something; she needed to be free of them."

He heard the conviction in the man's voice, but there had been no indication that the mom was even dating or had any new men in her life. His thoughts drifted to Jacob Henley. "Like Jacob?" he asked softly. He watched Fletcher's expression harden as he repositioned the knife and turned his head back to look at Castle. The action stopped Rick's forward momentum, but the man's body didn't turn with his head.

The distraction gave Esposito a chance to slip further into the room to a position that guaranteed him a shot if the man moved the other direction.

"I brought him with so that she'd have someone to play with," his tone was bitter and angry, "but he turned out to be just like her mom's boyfriend." He spotted Esposito's movement and took a step back towards the wall. "Stop right there!"

Everything happened so quickly. Castle hadn't been in the room more than a couple of minutes, but the change in Fletcher's emotions had been a roller coaster in that short time. What little calm Rick had left, seemed to leave him as the man's scared step back brought the knife into firm contact with the girl's skin. His heart leapt into his throat as he glanced quickly at the detectives.

Beckett was still centered, just inside the door. The boy's flanked her and had drifted several feet from where she stood. Three guns trained on the man, but the risk of trying to take a shot with the way he had April shielding him had been too great. He could tell from the brief glance that Beckett was pissed, Ryan was anxious, Esposito was shaken that his actions caused the man's sudden agitation, but none of them wavered. They were consummate professionals, through and through.

His glance to them had been frantic and quick before his eyes were back on the knife at the girl's throat. It seemed that everything slowed to a crawl as he watched the bead of red work its way down her small fragile neck. He was close, two steps away, but it was too big a risk with the knife where it was. He was stuck as much as they were, waiting for a moment he wasn't sure would come.

Two movements sent the events from slow motion to fast forward and Castle didn't know what happened in those few short seconds. In his peripheral vision he saw Esposito shift just a little as if finally settling into his stance that had been stopped short by Fletcher's outburst. Castle watched the fear flash across Fletcher's face, followed quickly by anger.

Then the second motion sent him moving on instinct. Fletcher reached a shaky hand towards Esposito, pointing his knife at the detective.

Something happened to land him on the floor, Castle was sure of it. However, through the haze of adrenaline fueled by his anger towards the man and fear about the girl, he only knew a few things.

He had moved, a step, maybe two before he felt the recoil against his hand coming into contact with something solid. There was a persistent and sudden ache in his head. Beckett was yelling. He was on the ground with his body hunched protectively over the small girl, when he heard the shots ring out. The concussions were loud in the small living room.

As his senses came back, his heart pounding, mind racing, he finally detected the subtle movement beneath him. He realized his position. Somehow he had grabbed the girl and fallen with her, twisting to land over her in an instinctive attempt to protect her. He felt the ache in his elbows and knees where he had taken the force of their fall together as he cradled her head to keep her from becoming injured and prevent himself from crushing her.

It felt like an eternity before the sound of her sobbing permeated his ears and the shaky rise and fall of the child's chest brushed against him snapping him out of his fog. Instant relief washed over him as he realized she was fine. He noticed that he had been shushing and cooing to the girl, trying to soothe her as he waited for something.

He didn't realize what he was waiting for. He had heard the shots, heard and felt the body fall just behind him. He heard as feet approached and the sound of what was probably a shoe making contact with the knife and then it skidding across the floor away from Fletcher.

Then Kate's voice came through his fog, "Castle?" the question was more than just to get his attention. It was a statement that he was safe to move, as well as a request for information on their condition.

Castle finally moved back from the girl, settling onto his knees and propping himself up on his hands. The first thing he saw was April's wide eyes. Tears pooled and flowed out of her frightened eyes. Her cheeks were rosy. Her whole chin quivered with the emotional impact and left her gasping short frantic breaths that were sure to have her hyperventilating if she didn't calm down.

"Castle!" the tone in Kate's voice this time was wild and panicked, so he braced for some kind of impact from behind as his eyes finally left the girl's face. Red. Deep red was all he saw as his gaze caught on the white polo shirt the girl was wearing. He felt as if he had been punched in the gut as the blood drained out of his face and horror took over every other thought in his body.

He hadn't been fast enough to protect April. Now he was the one who couldn't breathe and he found himself suddenly light headed with the inability to pull in a full breath as panic squeezed at his gut.

He pulled his gaze away from the blood to look up at Beckett who was staring at him with wide eyes. Her expression burned with shock and fear, she looked frantic. He felt the panic rise in him to match hers, because she couldn't be scared or worried, she couldn't panic. He needed her to tell him what to do.

x.x.x

A/N: Sorry this wasn't up last night. I couldn't focus on this with my husband in an uncharacteristically late night mood. He didn't get to bed until 1am (usually 10 at the latest), so I had to put this off for another day. Sorry, I'm not really able to write when there are people awake in the house.

Review that made my day: **AllAboutTheSubtext**, I love hearing that there are new readers all the time, though I'm sorry that your studying suffered for it.

Also, everyone who said something along the lines of 'Oh, I'm so happy… wait, you're going to do something awful now aren't you?' Those reviews made me laugh out loud, though no one else seemed to appreciate the humor I found in that. Wow, you guys must know me very well, or perhaps my plot has been telegraphed to you somehow along the way.

Thanks to everyone for reading.


	35. Chapter 35

Chapter Thirty-Five

Her eyes focused intently on the man in front of her down the sight of her gun. Her finger was loosely hovering near the trigger, not on it because her sight only had a small sliver of the man's head behind April's and she didn't want to risk shooting the girl. It also wasn't off the trigger completely, because she wanted to be able to react quickly if she had a shot.

Her focus was so honed in on the sight in front of her that Castle's voice had almost made her jump. Finger sliding off the trigger completely she shifted her eyes to him as anger pooled with a new fear in her gut.

As Castle conversed with Fletcher, she felt her palms begin to sweat against the metal of her weapon. Her focus was back on the man she should be watching as events unfolded.

Somehow, Castle had gotten within close range of the man without causing his agitation to boil over, a surprising outcome considering how nervous he was about Esposito's movements. In reflection, she realized it was likely because Castle was maintaining a level of calm that was almost surreal and was the only person in the room not pointing a gun at him and shouting orders.

Everyone else had fallen silent as Castle got the confession out of the man, and got close enough that she could almost make out his relaxed expression in her unfocused peripheral vision.

She saw the man jump as Esposito shifted to her left, but from there it was as if the moment between two heartbeats moved by so slow and clear that the following moments almost surprised her in their quick pace. That moment between heartbeats, as she watched the knife move made her breath catch in her throat. Blood, she saw it, but instantly her mind dismissed it's severity as the trail was a single slow falling drop from a small knick in the girl's skin.

Then her moment came. She braced herself as she let a slow breath out trying to keep steady. She had a clear shot on the man's hand as he moved to point the knife at Esposito. With a calm that she only maintained through practiced breathing, she slowly pulled back the trigger on her gun, ready to end this with a well-placed bullet through the man's weapon holding hand. Waiting what felt an eternity but was likely a matter of a split second. She anticipated the recoil, prepped herself for the sound and then there was a motion that stole her breath away.

Somehow, at the last possible second she slackened her finger, watching as Castle's closed fist slammed down on Fletcher's wrist. Where the man's hand had been, where her gun was now shakily pointed, had she been unable to stop herself she would have shot him.

The speed Rick moved at surprised even her. His effort to disarm failed, but he managed to clear the knife from being a danger to the girl as he shot forward and brought his forehead into brutal contact with Fletcher's face. She watched the injured man, their killer, stumble back slightly as blood instantly began to fall from his nose and the girl was suddenly not in his arms any more.

It took her only a split second to recognize the whirling motion and see Castle cradling the girl as they fell together, placing himself between her and any harm. The flash of anger and confusion that split Fletcher's face into a grimace intensified as they shouted again for him to drop the knife. She watched the impact as Castle hit hard against the wood floors, but somehow managed to keep the girl cradled in his arms and safe from the impact he took on himself.

Her aim had dropped away slightly as she took in the scene, but she brought it back up when the anger boiled over and she watched Fletcher take a menacing step towards where Castle had fallen with April, knife poised to strike.

She heard the shots before she had readied herself, three loud blasts, one from the right, double tab from the left. She watched them all hit their mark, saw Fletcher's face scrunch in confusion and pain as he fell.

It was over.

Relief washed over her as Esposito and Ryan took to the scene, making sure the man couldn't get his knife, though it was clear he was dead. She watched the movement, rooted to her spot as she relived how close she had been to shooting Castle a few frighteningly short seconds ago. The relief was short lived as the realization that the knife had left a trail of blood along the floor where it had been kicked sent a shiver through her. That was too much blood for the trickle that had escaped April's neck moments before.

Thoughts of the writer had he gaze shifting to find he hadn't moved and her heart began its wild beating once again. She could hear him talking to the girl in a low tone, soothing and comforting, trying to reassure her. The sound left a little relief in its wake, but she had to see him.

"Castle?" she questioned, hoping it didn't sound as desperate and emotional as it did in her own head. Then he began to move and the sense of relief came back.

She took a step forward before he'd shifted enough for light to move into the darkened spaces between the two bodies on the ground. Blood, everywhere, not from the suspect, but across the edges of his white dress shirt, hanging loosely below his vest, and down to stain his jeans a deep purple.

"Castle!" she shouted, her alarm clear. When his eyes moved to meet hers she saw the panic in their depths, worry and fear mingling sickeningly on his normally cheerful face.

She was frozen in place a moment until he moved again. She felt a disgusting clench in her gut as guilt swamped her when he started tugging at the girl's shirt looking for the source of the blood and she realized it wasn't him. The guilt was like a punch to the gut. Her relief that it wasn't his blood, though she would never wish harm on a child, made her suddenly light headed and more than a little nauseous.

His deft fingers lifted the hem of April's shirt, skimming across the girl's flat belly, swiping at the splotchy red from where the blood soaked shirt rested against her skin. Frantic movements as he searched for the source of the bleeding so he could stop it, prevent more from leaking out.

Heart skidding in her chest she was shocked to realize he wasn't going to be finding the injury. She went to him and stilled his hands as he moved to unfasten April's Jeans to check for the injury to be hiding behind that stained garment. The panic was back, the guilt forgotten, the fear weighing on her as the blood stain on Castle's jeans continued to slowly grow as he moved around the girl.

Clarity had hit her as he searched fruitlessly for the child's wound. The anger in his eyes as she stopped him from looking was almost enough, in her current state, to have her recoiling. Instead, in as calm a voice as she could manage she told him, "It's not her blood. She's ok, Castle. She's ok."

He didn't believe her, it was clear in his eyes and he was still trying to pull his hands away to continue his search.

"You have to stop moving. You need to lie down."

He didn't understand, confused and still frustrated, he glared at her. "I need to stop the bleeding."

Deciding that he wasn't going to listen to her she started to push on him. Beckett raised her head to look behind him as he suddenly seemed to realize what was going on and his eyes widened.

Everything had happened so quickly that Ryan and Esposito were still checking over the fallen man and talking about what had just happened. Ryan's voice permeated her fog, "Did you see the way Castle took that guy down? Bam! Right to the nose. I'm surprised it wasn't lights out."

"Ryan," she latched onto the voice and drew the name out of herself with some effort. She had been trying to maintain her calm, but obviously was unsuccessful when both detectives suddenly swiveled to watch as she guided Castle to the floor. "Call it in." she demanded, her voice cracking just slightly as she began to pull at his vest and shirt to get a look at the damage.

He pushed her hands away, confusion and pain warring on his face. "No." he told her, his hands now slick with blood shoving against hers. "Stop. I have to..."

His voice trailed off as she shoved his shoulders and forced him to stay on the ground. They stared at each other, eyes locked, words not passing between them. Ryan's voice was the only sound besides her heart beating in her chest, blood pulsing through her ears with a near deafening rhythm. Tauntingly, as if to remind her that she wasn't the one spilling her blood all over the dirty floor.

She watched Rick's eyes bulge as they heard Ryan's voice rise slightly as if the moment had just hit the other detective and Castle seemed to have fully grasped the situation as pain stole the expression on his face for a moment.

"Officer down." Ryan practically shouted. The phrase had Castle giving her a less powerful version of one of his goofy grins.

"You think the paramedics are going to be mad when they get here and realize he just lied to them?" Castle asked, his voice tight and strained. The humor was an obvious deflection, but it still brought a watery smile to her face.

"You think any of us care what they think as long as they haul ass to get here?" she responded, cursing the waver in her voice as it seemed to put a new level of concern on his face.

She had to stay strong. For him. She couldn't lose it in front of him or he'd think it was worse than it was. Which she really couldn't tell because he still hadn't let her get to the wound.

"I didn't lie." Ryan defended as he hung up the phone and reached for April. The young girl's wide, fearful eyes and limp body indicated she was likely in shock.

Esposito knelt beside her, helping pry Castle's hands away so they could get his vest off as Ryan disappeared out the front entry. He was back, kneeling in the blood smears on the other side of Castle a moment later, "McCain's here." He said to explain his quick return without the child.

She and Esposito worked to clear the vest and the stone faced former marine chucked it to the side as she grabbed the bottom of Castle's shirt and ripped it open. A couple of buttons popped free and the sound of ripping fabric cut their silence.

The action was followed by a chuckle from the man they were all bent over. She brought her eyes up from her task of tugging his undershirt out of his pants to give him a questioning look.

"Is it wrong that I thought that was incredibly hot?" he asked, the question allowing his three friends to release a little tension with some laughter just as the paramedics arrived.

Kate didn't know what to do with herself as she was moved aside to make room for them to work. She scooted across the dirty, blood stained wood on her knees. She couldn't leave his side, but found a spot out of the way where she could lock eyes with him as she ran a finger across his cheek.

"Help is here, Castle. You're going to be fine." she told him, still frustrated at not getting a look at the wound, but unwilling or perhaps unable to look away from his face.

He seemed paler than he had moments before; ashen, almost grey in contrast to the smear of blood from where she had touched him. She reasoned it was probably at least a little better than him being blue. She could tell the pain was really getting to him as his eyes crinkled and his frown deepened.

"Kate," his voice was soft now, almost a whisper, he sounded scared and she didn't want to hear it. She shushed him with a soothing tone, hoping to help him calm down. The more worked up he got, the harder his heart would beat, the faster his blood would leave his body.

She felt the boys on either side of her, silent support, wanting to be close to their friend as well but knowing there was nothing they could do.

He was hoisted hastily onto a gurney and the three detectives stood as the paramedics lifted it, the legs extending until he was a manageable height. His hand found its way above his head and he grasped her shirt in a tight fist. She wasn't given an option but to move with them, not that she would choose to be anywhere else.

"Kate, do you," she heard him falter, shocked that this was the first break in his calm, but the tear that slipped past his tightly clenched eyes had her more worried than the blood a moment before. "Do you remember your promise?"

She was confused, couldn't recall having ever made him one. In the time it took to walk through the short entryway, the narrow hall necessitating his release of her, her mind flashed back to a conversation they'd had what felt a lifetime ago.

"No, Castle." She told him, her tone sharp and angry. His hand firmly gripping her arm as they continued, "Don't be any more stupid than you've already been today."

His eyes opened, deep blue, pupils dilated and swimming in unshed tears. "Please, Kate."

"No, Rick. Damn it, no."

"I just need to know, need to hear that you'll take care of her." He was pleading with his eyes even more than his words, his voice hoarse from fighting the emotions that were obviously warring in him. As they reached the ambulance and he was jostled free of her hold again he let out a frustrated sound. "Please, Kate." He begged, eyes desperately searching around the movements of the paramedics to find hers again.

She couldn't answer him, and instead gave a simple nod. She had lifted her foot to the ledge and braced her hands to pull herself into the back behind him when she felt the weight of the paramedic's hand holding her shoulder in place. She looked at him with a question, but he just shook his head at her.

"Can't, we're already taking two patients, need the space to move." He'd obviously heard the call, knew she was a cop, knew Castle was the 'officer' who was down, and his tone relayed his apology for not being able to bend the rules.

"You can ride up front." He explained when she continued to stand there looking at him with shock and confusion.

She turned away from the open doors, as McCain helped load the traumatized girl in. Ryan and Esposito were waiting close beside her. "Go, we got this." Esposito explained.

"Yeah. Call us, though. We'll be here all day waiting for IA to show up." Ryan responded bitterly and she couldn't even find the will to groan at the amount of paperwork that was going to follow this.

Use of deadly force, especially with the end result they had achieved, required that Ryan and Esposito stay at the scene unless injured until Internal Affairs arrived. Then they'd have the two in interviews half the day and they'd all have a boat load of paperwork. She couldn't even imagine the amount of red tape they were going to face for Castle being hurt on the job, despite the waiver he had signed so long ago.

A civilian injured during a hostage standoff was going to be hell to write up, especially considering the way it had gone down. She wondered if they'd ask for her badge, waiver or not, if he didn't make it. The thought snuck up on her out of nowhere, but as soon as it hit her she felt herself waiver slightly on suddenly weakened legs.

She found herself in a daze, so lost in thought that she didn't even protest the two men who helped her walk to and climb in the passenger seat of the ambulance. She had been like a zombie since the thought that he might not make it struck her. The ride passed by in a blur and before she knew it she was climbing numbly out of the ambulance. She wasn't fast enough to get more than a glimpse of Castle being wheeled into the hospital on his stretcher and the girl being loaded onto a waiting wheel chair to follow behind.

Her feet were heavy, her hand desperately clutching her blood crusted phone, shocked that she had somehow managed to call Alexis in the state of mind she was in. Somehow she had remained a calm level voice as she explained which hospital they were going to and told Alexis that Castle was going to be fine.

She could blame him for forcing the lie from her mouth when she really had no idea if he would be ok or not. She could blame him for so much more than that. Blame him for the sudden spike in her level of fear and apprehension. Blame him for not staying in the car, for getting in the way, for saying what he'd said to put the thoughts of him not pulling through into her head. She could blame him for getting under her skin enough that what she witnessed had sent her into a virtual overload.

She was capable and obviously willing to blame him for that and so much more, but instead she could hardly focus. She knew so much about stomach wounds, but she couldn't seem to recall much. Couldn't focus on the fact that they were painful, but slow to kill. She could only think about sepsis and infection. Damn him and damn her sick negativity.

She didn't know how long she had been in that room waiting for word on Castle, staring at her phone, trying to focus enough to read the clock on the face of her phone through the smears of red on the screen. She finally noticed the dried blood covering her hands and felt shame at her loss of focus. This wasn't like her.

She suddenly realized that Alexis was going to show up, sometime, and she needed to get the blood off her hands before the teen saw it. Beckett informed the nurse she was going to clean up and left her cell phone number if the woman heard anything.

Once she stepped out to the hall, she felt that persistent weight pushing down on her harder. She hated the worry and stress that came with not knowing. She wished her badge was a more effective tool at getting information from hospital staff.

As her wide dazed eyes scanned one side and then the other of the hallway, looking for a sign as to which direction would take her to a bathroom to get cleaned up, she looked right through Alexis. After hearing her name called with a sharp tone, she finally saw the teen making her way towards Beckett.

Kate almost flinched at the determined look in the teen's eyes, the hard as stone expression she was casting towards the blood on Kate's hands. Thinking back to the last time she'd seen the girl and the anger that had been directed at her during that meeting, Kate couldn't blame her for the resentment that was obviously taking hold of the teen. She was right to be angry. Beckett knew she should have been able to keep her father safe.

She stood her ground and waited for the approaching girl, expecting the impact that would come, a slap to the face at least, if not something more befitting the young spitfire. She wondered absently if the teen was a slapper or a puncher, she couldn't picture her as the type to scratch or pull hair. Whatever was headed her way, however, she'd take it. She deserved it. She deserved the fury and frustration, nothing less. This had been her fault and she would take it, whatever it was.

She was braced for the impact, but when it came, she felt her knees practically give out from under her. Alexis grabbed her tightly and buried her face into Kate's neck. The intense wave of emotion that rushed through her was enough to shock her out of the haze she had been in since Castle had said enough to plant the seed in her mind that he wouldn't be coming out of this.

It took her a moment to realize that instead of a physical assault, she was being hugged desperately.

Kate did the only thing she could, and brought her arms up to circle the girl. She leaned back against the wall in an attempt to stay upright, but failed, slowly sliding to the ground with the teen still wrapped in her arms. She felt the tears she had kept at bay this whole time finally break free and fall silently to join the whispers of soothing against Alexis' hair. They clung to each other as she rocked Alexis gently in her lap.

x.x.x

A/N: I'm starting to notice a strange pattern… more people have something to say about the Beckett POV chapters than the Castle ones. I'm wondering if it's a preference thing, if it's the way I write each character, or if perhaps it's a strange coincidence that I just give Kate more exciting/interesting events that people want to talk about.

Review that made my day: **killmypatience**, Yes, just the right amount of guilt to keep me from leaving you hanging for very long. However, now it will be a couple days.

Good job to everyone who picked up the subtle cues about who was hurt.

Thanks to everyone for reading.


	36. Chapter 36

Chapter Thirty-Six

Castle was so confused by the lack of sensation.

Blinding pain, white hot with its intensity had followed him mercilessly since the moment his mind cleared enough to finally understand what Kate had been trying to tell him, finally understand that something had happened to him.

The feeling of relief that April was unharmed lasted only long enough for the pain to fully register. He didn't know if he'd ever be able to shake the memory of that frantic look in Kate's eyes as she struggled with him to get to his injury.

Now, however, he didn't understand the moment he found himself in. Confusion warred with relief as he felt weightless and without pain. It was an odd experience to glance down and see his stomach, watch a doctor poking and prodding, swiping at the blood, jabbing into him with a needle, but he felt nothing.

He felt weightless, calm. More than calm, he had moved full circle from scared shitless to an almost serene sense of tranquility tinged with an almost giddy feeling.

He wondered where Beckett was. He felt so alone here with just him and the medical staff. As he continued to watch the doctor and nurses working, someone blotted at the wound to clear the blood and he got a good look at the slash in his abdomen. It was almost as if he could see right inside his body.

It was a surreal feeling in that moment and he wanted to see Beckett walk through the door so badly just so that he could have someone to stand beside him. Be there, even though he knew there was nothing she could do.

His eyes fell on the wound again and thoughts of Beckett fled as he became enthralled with watching himself be poked, not feeling a thing. He wondered if his Twitter followers would be disgusted by this, because he found it absolutely fascinating.

x.x.x

Kate didn't know how long they had sat there. Her own tears had stopped long ago as she lectured herself for breaking in front of the already panicked teen. She needed to be the strong one right now. She had swiped her face and eyes to eliminate the remnants of tears, though she knew nothing would take the red rimmed eyes or pink cheeks and nose away. They were just as much of a giveaway as wet cheeks and glistening eyes.

Alexis had settled from the initial emotional outburst, but Kate kept talking. She didn't even know what she was saying. Empty platitudes, promises that her father would be ok, that everything would be ok. She knew from experience that she could lose him today and she knew that nothing would ever be the same again if that happened.

With a sniffle, Alexis finally pulled away from Beckett. She felt the moment air took the place of her emotion heated face as the damp skin along Kate's neck prickled with goose bumps and the fabric of her shirt felt cool against her shoulder where it had been wetted with Alexis' tears.

She noticed that Alexis was avoiding her eyes, her head ducked as if ashamed of her reaction. The girl confirmed it when she softly spoke, "Sorry, Kate."

"Shh." Beckett responded, running a reassuring hand down her hair slowly before moving a bent finger over to lift the teen's chin and connect their eyes, "You have nothing to apologize for." she told her, trying to maintain a reassuring tone. "It's perfectly normal and natural, and if you're apologizing for that then I'm going to have to as well."

She felt more than saw the miniscule nod of acceptance before she recognized the quiver in the girl's chin. Alexis pulled away from her touch to look away from her again, "Not just for this. For earlier, too." It was so far from Kate's mind that it took her finishing her point before she caught up with what they were talking about, "It's really none of my business and I had no right to talk to you the way I did."

"Hey, no." she responded gently, reaching out to tug the redhead back into an embrace. "Can I tell you something?" she was going to regardless, but the nod she felt against her meant she wasn't being ignored, "In your position? I would have done the same thing."

Alexis pulled away again, giving her a look somewhere between disbelief and surprise. "Really?"

"Mostly." Kate nodded, "I don't know how you held back so long. I'd have been in my own face two weeks ago, though in hindsight he and I were both idiots." Beckett understood. She really did. She could see now how much their lack of communication had cost them, how it had hurt him as much as her.

Alexis laughed a little, "That surprises me." she responded. "Well, not about dad. You know how he is."

They were smiling at each other over the joke, but something about Castle not being right there to hear them making fun of him made the moment less than it could have been. They both seemed to realize at the same time that there was a reason they were sitting together on the linoleum floor outside the emergency room of a hospital.

Alexis stood first, holding a hand down to her. "Let's go see if they have any news."

When she grasped the smaller hand, more for balance than to actually pull any of her weight up, Beckett realized once again that she was wearing Castle's blood like a morbid set of gloves.

Alexis seemed to notice at the same moment and kept her hand in Kate's as she led her away from the doors to the emergency room and back down the way she had come in. "There's a bathroom this way. I passed it on my way through."

She followed along in a daze. Once inside, Alexis washed up quickly, but Kate stood at the sink a moment, staring at her reflection. She hardly recognized herself. Finally, with a heavy sigh, Kate turned the water on and began to scrub her hands.

Alexis had finished and was leaning against the wall by the door. Beckett could feel she was being watched, but she seemed unable to pull her eyes away from the blood as it rehydrate and dripped off her hands, swirling in the sink. She pumped soap on her hands and worked it furiously into a pink lather.

After rinsing, she went back for more soap and scrubbed some more, paying attention to the cracks of her fingernails that seemed intent on holding onto this memento. Her mind was waning again, spiraling out of her control as she scrubbed under the hot water. She knew she should turn the handle for cold to mellow out the scalding temperature, but the burn against her skin felt good, it felt cleansing.

She knew she was wasting time, but she hadn't gotten it all off. "You should go check on him. See if they have any word."

Silence greeted her in response. It stretched on long enough to make her uncomfortable so she pulled her eyes from the task of scrubbing long enough to glance at Alexis. The girl just gave a little shake of her head, apparently she didn't to want to let Beckett out of her sight and Kate couldn't blame her. Martha was on her way from out of town and should arrive in an hour or two, but she knew from experience that this was not something that people wanted to face alone, regardless of the outcome.

Alexis starts talking. It's the first words since they got off the floor and she suggested the bathroom. It's as if she's afraid silence will result in another breakdown. She's trying to hold herself together and Kate sees a young Katherine Beckett, scared, feeling desperately alone, but unwilling to show the world that which she had perceived as weakness. Trying to be so strong on the outside while crumbling inside.

She doesn't want to see Alexis give up the youthful exuberance and the innocence of her childhood to the gnawing ache that comes with losing your parent at such a young age. She's drawing parallels with her own life and it makes her sick to think that might be a reality for this girl soon.

Hands red and raw, she finally turns off the faucet and grips the sink. Bowing her head she watches the water on her hands run down the side of the sink and drip slowly onto the floor. She should clean that up, but she can't seem to move.

Her head comes up when paper towels are handed to her and she smiles in thanks at the gesture. As she dries her hands, feeling how sore the act of scrubbing had made the flesh on them, she winces.

Silence walks with them back to the Emergency room. Kate takes a seat, but Alexis pushes the nurse for information. She's hopeful that having a family member will yield better results than she had been able to, but it's a false hope and soon Alexis is sitting beside her, head on Kate's shoulder.

It's all about waiting now. Alexis leave's her side three more times to go back to the reception desk before she finally speaks again. Kate had been so lost in thought that she's surprised Alexis' voice was even able to filter through. "Ashley stayed on the phone with me while I was in the cab." she said quietly. "He wanted to meet me here, sit and wait with me. I told him no."

"Why?" Kate asks, not sure why Alexis is confiding in her, but willing to listen, hoping it's not something she's just practicing for when, no, she had to stop that thought. Instead she put all her focus on listening.

"I don't want him to see me like this." Her tone is quiet and Beckett can hear the insecurity in the words. "He keeps calling, but I," she sighs heavily and Kate recognizes the move, knows the girl is trying not to cry, trying to bottle it away. "I just I don't want to, I can't answer it."

"You really love him, don't you?" Kate asks, gently prodding.

Alexis nods in response, eyes unfocused and staring at the wall just below where the TV in the waiting room was running a news program.

"Can I tell you something without you thinking I'm just trying to be all grown up about it?"

That guarded look is back when Alexis turns towards Kate, "Not if you're going to give me a lecture about how I'm too young to know what love is."

Beckett reached out a hand and placed it over one of Alexis' on the armrest of her chair. This time it's her turn to look away. "My mom was not a fan of my boyfriends when I was a teenager. She probably didn't think they were good enough for me. Looking back, I can see her point." Kate smiled slightly at the memory, it wasn't a real smile, it was the one she always pulled out to give herself a moment to draw back in the emotion that was trying to run free. It seemed that at least one teenage girl was onto her ploy; because Alexis shifted her hand to lace her fingers with Kate's and gave a gentle squeeze.

"I'll never forget this late night we had my first Christmas break during college. We were having some cocoa before calling it a night. Dad had gone to bed and we just weren't ready for the day to end yet, so we were just lying on the carpet by the fireplace. If I close my eyes I can still almost feel the carpeting beneath me and the heat of the fire. I can clearly remember the happiness in my mom's eyes as she sat beside me and looked down." She had to swallow back the sudden lump in her throat.

"It's ok, Kate. We don't have to talk about this."

She smiled at the kind gesture, but shook her head to decline the offer of an out. She was done running from things just because they were uncomfortable. "She told me something that night that has stuck with me. Something that has been in the back of my mind through every relationship I've ever been in. Something that I knew proved why those wouldn't work a long time before the relationships actually ended." It was a brief moment of doubting the logistics of her bringing up this story before she convinced herself to go on.

"She looked down at me and asked if I knew what love was. Of course, I thought I did and explained it as well as I could, but she just continued to smile and shook her head at me. She said, 'Katie, love isn't a feeling. It isn't a want or desire or being happy all the time. Love is being willing to open yourself up to someone enough that you want them there when you aren't happy. Love is knowing that no matter what you look or feel like, they will always be there for you and you for them.' Always." Becket repeated the word, latching onto it and thinking hard on the meaning she had intended for Alexis to get from this.

"I know what you're going through, to some extent." Beckett continued, and felt the fingers wrapped around her own tighten. She knew Alexis understood what she was saying. "I also know that you want him here, because when you love someone you're not afraid to breakdown in front of them. You know they'll be there to help you pick up the pieces."

"Like in the hall?" Alexis asked.

She knew instantly what Alexis was asking her. She knows it's a reference to the two of them breaking down together and wondering if that means something. "Just like that, but something I can't give you. Something you need him for."

Alexis releases her hand and she wonders if she overstepped. It's a thought that only lasts the time it takes for Alexis to lean into her side and wrap her arm around Kate. She hugs the teen close to her side.

Alexis pulls away and gives her a warm smile with fresh tears brimming in her eyes. "I'm going to check on Dad again first." she says as she stands and heads back to the reception desk.

Kate watches her until she starts back, her phone now out and her finger hovering over the touch screen. She hits the send button to return Ashley's call as she approaches the seat she had been waiting in with an appreciative smile. One Beckett recognizes as trying to relay that she had gotten the message.

The sound of Taylor Swift's 'Mine' broke the silence through the door of the emergency room opening. Alexis turned and started towards the young man standing awkwardly in the still open door. Kate recognized Ashley frozen in place. He looked nervous and unsure with his phone in his hand, eyes locked on Alexis and shining with concern behind the obvious feeling that he may be in the wrong for showing up when she'd said no.

Watching the boy's face over Alexis' shoulder as she embraced him, she wondered if her own reaction to the teen had been so obvious to any observers. The way his eyes widened in surprise told that he had been expecting a reprimand, but then his features relaxed as he pulled her in tight and started talking softly. Kate couldn't make out the words, but wouldn't be surprised if he was repeating the same things Kate had said in the same situation less than an hour before.

Alexis still had her phone in her hand, sniffling into Ashley's shirt when it began to emit a chime that was a simple delicate tinkling of bells. Kate watches as Alexis' spine went instantly straight as she pushed away from Ashley and almost dropped her phone in her haste to pull up the message.

"Kate." she said, sounding breathless and shocked. Beckett was almost scared to move, to find out what horrible thing they would be adding to the list of events for the day.

Without a word she moved to the teens and took the phone from Alexis' hand, not sure why but thinking she saw something akin to relief in the girl's eyes. It took a moment for her brain to register what she was looking at. In the time it took her to examine the picture and read the words three times to get it to sink in, Alexis had grasped Ashley's hand and was right back at the reception desk explaining the situation to the nurse who had been on duty the past hour.

It was Twitter. She finally realized. She was looking at a post from Twitter.

The picture of an open wound in the process of being stitched closed with the text above reading, 'Got the bad guy. Saved the girl. And I get to keep this SWEEEET battle scar! Hey, Doc, is that my spleen or a kidney?'

She couldn't stop herself from laughing with her relief. She made her way over to find the nurse still giving Alexis the run around. Her attitude was curt, bordering on unprofessional and she had been becoming increasingly unfriendly every time that Alexis went up to ask if there was any news.

"You listen to me," Alexis cut her off as she leaned in close to make a point of examining the woman's name tag, "Darcy. I don't know if you realize what you're doing, but the fact that you have left us out here in a near panic while my Dad is in a room somewhere fine enough to crack jokes and take pictures makes me wonder if you ever even called back to check on him."

The nurse opened her mouth to respond but Alexis cut her off with a hand gesture.

"No, either you will hear me out or you can find whoever runs this freaking circus and I can have these words with them." When the nurse didn't make a move to speak or call anyone else, Alexis nodded once. "Maybe you didn't hear me correctly when I told you that my _father_, Richard Castle, was brought in via ambulance over an hour ago. Maybe you didn't realize that my family and our friends pay enough into this hospital that if we were to blacklist it for donation then you and at least a third of the staff here would be looking for another job. Something you obviously need because you lack even the most basic human compassion."

The nurse looked completely pissed now, but Alexis wasn't through with her.

"Now, you are either going to open that door," Alexis gestured towards the secure doors that doctors had been swiping for entry through the whole time they'd been waiting, "and tell me where my father is, or I'm going straight upstairs to talk about the impact of this emotional trauma on my poor young psyche with the head of Emergency, the head of this hospital, and every single lawyer that my father keeps on retainer."

"Room 128." the nurse said, then her frustration obviously won out as she added, "Just family." with a sharp look at Beckett and Ashley as she reached under her desk and pushed a button that started the automatic doors opening.

"You might want to get together some kind of formal papers defending your side of these events. My mother and I will be in with my dad." Kate knew from the way Alexis had said it that she was just trying to make it easier for the nurse to let them pass through, but on top of everything else, the words brought fresh tears to her eyes. She blinked them away quickly and realized Alexis hadn't made mention of Ashley's relation, but the young man was not letting go of her hand.

The doors were finally open enough to step through as Beckett dialed the number her fingers had wanted to call for the last hour, but she had been so sure it would be pointless.

"Hey, Pumpkin!" Castle's excited and obviously drugged voice called through the receiver and she realized she still had Alexis' phone.

"It's Beckett." she responded. "The evil gate keeper has finally let us through. Make sure you're modestly covered because Alexis is with me."

x.x.x

A/N: OK, you all win; I couldn't leave you hanging another night.

Review that made my day: **KnitterJen**, I'm glad that made sense to you. I was trying to draw on the odd thoughts that bounced through my head the one time I found myself with a loved one in a potentially life threatening situation. I went in an ambulance with my daughter when she was two and had a seizure in the middle of my sister's living room. Watching her not breathing sent me into a panic, blood racing, thoughts a mess, yeah, it wasn't pretty. She's all good now, childhood seizures and none in almost two years, but that feeling is still fresh from several years before.

On a side note, they made me ride in the front of the ambulance for liability purposes, so that's why Beckett was relegated to the front as well. Plus, I had to keep her in the dark somewhat about his injuries for this to play out how I wanted it to.

Thanks to everyone for reading.


	37. Chapter 37

Chapter Thirty-Seven

The sterile smell of alcohol and the general scent of 'hospital' clung heavily to the air. It was a strange combination of cleaners, medicines, and various bodily fluids, that somehow made up the distinct smell that every hospital had no matter what part of the country you were in. The stench seemed to grow thicker as the three of them made their way down a wide corridor. Kate was leading the way, having had more than one trip to this particular Emergency Room over the years.

She knew what to expect. The ER was laid out in four sections; aside from the triage area, the other three sections were glass walled, where room numbers were more an indication of which bed to find a patient in. The small spaces allotted for patients were separated by curtains on metal rings that made a distinct sound as they were pulled back. She knew the sound, but having reached the bed that would contain the man they had been so worried after, that sound seemed to shoot straight through her.

Nervousness and trepidation warred for her dominant emotion, though she had just had a brief conversation with the man. She couldn't put the sound of his voice into context of the situation, though she knew it was ridiculous to think the worst at this stage.

Her heart rate quickened as the metal rings of the curtain jangled as it was pulled open. Despite having heard his cheerful voice, Kate still couldn't reconcile the vision of him lying panicked and bloody on the floor of a rundown house with the new image of him grinning and waving excitedly at them.

It didn't make sense, none of it.

What was he still doing in the ER; shouldn't he be up in surgery? Instead he was lying in a standard emergency room, bed propped up, apparently in a fabulous mood. Certainly thanks to the drugs in his system.

Kate found herself grateful for the presence of the teens, namely Alexis who shot to her father's side and clung to his neck tightly for several minutes. She watched the shift in him, it was almost instantaneous. He'd gone from grinning, apparently glad to have the company, to looking almost stricken to have his daughter, normally tough and well centered, falling apart in his arms.

She watched him wince briefly when Alexis shifted against him, but he didn't push her away. If anything, his arms tightened around her, trying to hold her closer and Kate heard his slightly slurred whisper of reassurances.

She was certain it was the third time the same or at least similar words had been spoken to the teen in less than two hours, but Kate knew it was the only ones that really sank in through the girl's fog of fear and heartache.

She found herself feeling more than a little out of place in the small space allotted to him. Ashley was crowded close to Castle's bed, Alexis having still not relinquished her death grip on his hand. His fingertips were an unnatural shade of red, but he made no move to get free and showed no hint of distress in his features as his free hand trailed soothingly up and down his girlfriend's arm.

Beckett felt uncertain, uncomfortable, like she was intruding on a family moment, though she was far from being in the way from where she stood at the foot of Castle's hospital bed.

Feeling useless, she looked around and found the board where each patient's chart was clipped. She was careful to only grab his and started to flip through the papers. There wasn't much in the way of notes there, but having something to review as she returned to stand beside his bed made her feel like she was at least doing something.

She scanned the chart with the practiced ease of someone who had spent plenty of time in and out of emergency rooms either for herself, co-workers, or victims. Her eyes scanned first for the document that had a generic outline of a human body and a rough sketch of the injuries impacting the patient. This was something the hospital did for trauma cases, especially when they were crime related and she had always wondered if that was because most cops weren't versed in medical jargon. Interpreting and identifying the injuries with descriptions like perforation to the posterior, proximal to the scapula when cops would just say that someone had stabbed their victim in the back, made for a unique language barrier.

She hadn't been one of those cops that allowed herself to feel talked down to by the hospital staff more than that first time and had done plenty of her own homework on human physiology and anatomy. Which was why, with a quick glance at the 'injuries for dummies' page, she began to scan through the doctors notes.

Most of it was indecipherable because it was handwritten. She wondered, not for the first time, if it was a requirement of admission to medical school to fail a handwriting course. She did manage to pick up enough that she felt comfortable with Castle's status.

She read through the bits and pieces that were clear, Patient presented with 14cm laceration to abdomen. . . depth, was that 2.5cm or 25cm?. . . had to be 2.5 or there'd be some kind of internal injuries listed and he wouldn't be sitting around in the ER. . . muscle damage to, was that internal or external abdominal oblique? She squinted at the handwriting hoping that it would become clear, but it was like staring at two slashes that simply became more out of focus the harder she tried to define them. From the fact that he wasn't in surgery, she would assume it was external, but repairing a damaged muscle wasn't an emergency surgery situation and he might be waiting on an operating room.

The doctor came in just as she was trying to determine if that squiggle was the word sutures or sepsis. The first would be a good sign that he could go home soon, that they had patched him up and all would be right again soon. The second, however, put her instantly on edge.

"Hey, you're not supposed to have that." the doctor mentioned as he approached them, but he didn't move to take it from her and she could have sworn he was smiling beneath the façade of righteous indignation.

"Pretty much useless to me, anyway. I can't read a damn word. It's practically written in hieroglyphics." She relinquished Castle's chart to the doctor, "Why don't you interpret it for me, because we have been here entirely too long to still not know what's going on?"

The doctor gave her a smile and she almost felt bad for having taken her anger out on him. "Yeah, I heard about that." he responded.

Alexis had finally pulled away, but she now had an equally tight hold on Castle's hand as she did on Ashley's. All eyes had turned towards the doctor, waiting for his verdict on the extent of the injuries.

Castle interrupted before he could start when Kate's eyes met his for the first time. "Hey." he said in greeting. It was a quiet sound, but it filled the space adequately. She gave him a tight-lipped smile in return, with a little nod to acknowledge his greeting, but she needed to hear what the doctor had to say.

"I'm Dr. Hook."

Castle interrupted him, "No relation to Captain Hook." he informed them in a serious tone just above a whisper as if he were sharing a secret. "I already asked."

The doctor seemed to take his interruption in stride; apparently they had gotten to know the doped up Richard Castle pretty well in the time he was here. "First off, let me inform you that Rick is doing just fine and there's nothing to be alarmed about." he began. It was an ominous choice of wording and she didn't appreciate the subtleties that may be lying between what he was actually saying and what he meant.

She took a moment to shake off the thoughts. This wasn't an interrogation. He wasn't a suspect who had some kind of hidden agenda or reason to jerk them around and feed them half-truths. This was a guy who dedicated his life to helping people, not building them up just to tear them back down again. Forcing off the negative thoughts, she nodded at him to go on.

"Second, and probably most importantly, I want to apologize for Nurse Ratched in the waiting room." his tone was sincere and his smile was a little more guilty than apologetic.

"Whoa!" Castle said, suddenly scrambling to sit a little higher, "You guys actually have a Nurse Ratched?"

"Not literally." Dr. Hook responded easily as he moved to Castle's side and gently helped him get settled back on the bed. "You have to lay still." the doctor informed him and from the way he said it, Kate was sure it wasn't the first time he'd been told that bit of information.

The doctor turned back towards her and Kate wondered why he felt the need to address her and not the rest of the room. Figuring since it was either her, a doped up Castle, or a couple of teenagers, the doctor probably thought she was the most likely to retain the information. "I do apologize for her, but it's either we stick her out there with you guys or we have to deal with her in here with us and the patients. It's not ideal, but with the damn unions our hands are pretty well tied on what else to do with her."

Kate nodded, she didn't really care about the nurse or any of what had transpired. "So, what are we looking at here, Dr. Hook?"

"Arrh!" Castle announced in a very happy sounding pirate impression.

She saw the way Dr. Hook's mouth quirked up just a bit. "He suffered a pretty nasty gash, but luckily, due to the angle, with proper rest and a little time, he should be good as new."

"Good as new?" Castle interrupted again, this time with shock. "Have you seen the size of that cut in my gut?" His face split in a grin as if he couldn't hold it in anymore. "I'm going to have the coolest scar ever."

"Sorry about all that." she said, speaking to his doctor and ignoring his outburst. "You know that filter most people have between their brain and their mouths?" she asked, but didn't wait for a response. "He has a hard time finding his on normal days, so heavily medicated he can be a bit much."

"He's really made my day a lot of fun." the doctor responded with a shrug. "Not that I'm glad he's here and I'm happy to be sending him home soon, but it's been a pleasure, really."

"Hear that, Kate?" he asked, cutting in again. "I'm fun _and_ pleasant."

"When chemically altered." she amended for him.

Alexis had a few questions and Kate made a point of pulling her notepad from her jacket pocket to take notes, even though she was sure all of this would be in Castle's release papers. She still wasn't quite sure how they had gotten from blind fear to this place where Castle cracked grade school jokes and was going home as soon as his fluids were at a more reasonable level. Something felt wrong, like she was about to wake up and still be in the waiting room with Alexis.

As the doctor finished up, he turned back to Beckett, "I'm David Hook, if you need anything while you're here." he informed her. "That kid of yours is a hero to this staff today, so believe me when I say, anything you need, Mrs. Castle, anything at all, we'll try and be accommodating."

Kate simply nodded and thanked him before turning back to look at the man who had driven her crazy on so many levels since the day they had met. While today was probably one of the most enervating of those experiences, she was glad to see they had all made it through, somehow.

"I have to go call the boys, let them know that you're alive." she informed him and he gave her a lopsided grin that was so endearing she couldn't quite step away. Having lost so many moments and been handed the gift of hindsight without the tragic repercussions she had worried would swamp them, she stopped fighting it.

Before she walked out of the room she moved over to the side opposite Alexis and reached down to squeeze his hand. "You stay lying down and I'll see what I can do about a getting you a popsicle." she told him with her first genuine smile in what felt like ages. He didn't release her hand when she tried to pull away and she looked down to see he was staring at her intently, something far from a joke hanging in the air between them.

Kate shook her head at him and then leaned over to brush her lips across his forehead, hovering there just a little longer than necessary. "We'll talk about it when you're feeling better." she informed him.

He held a moment longer, as if searching her for the truth in her statement. Finally, after giving her fingers a gentle squeeze and smiling up at her with almost childlike innocence, he released her had.

"Hey," he turned suddenly to Alexis and Ashley, "Do you guys want to see the pictures that Captain Hook's brother said would probably turn stomachs on Twitter?"

He had already swiped his phone up off the white sheet beside him and was scrolling through what was probably dozens of pictures if she knew him. With a final glance in his direction, she headed towards the hall they had passed through on their way to find him. After the calls she had to make a few hours ago, this was one that she was actually looking forward to making.

x.x.x

A/N: Sorry for the long break, I couldn't figure out how to move from where we left off. I know that this story has had a certain feel to it all the way through and I couldn't reconcile this and the coming chapters into that same feeling. Transitioning between the two has proven more trouble than I thought it would be so I took a break over the long weekend to work on my other story and step out of this one for a while.

I hope this hasn't been disappointing as the entire feel of the story for me is different here and doesn't really seem to fit very well with the style in which the rest has been laid out. I guess I'll leave that to you guys.

Oh, btw, yes I intentionally left you all in the dark, but I figured more of you would catch on to what I was trying to pull over on you and realize he hadn't needed surgery. I'm not disappointed, just feeling a little proud of myself for succeeding in my goals.

Review that made my day: **Castletasmic**, You're the big winner! Never did I expect to see this story get as many comments as it's gotten. I've been floored by the whole thing. Reaching 1000 reviews was amazing, but you, my dear reviewer, were number 1228. Can you feel the balloons and confetti raining down on you? That number has a lot of meaning for me as far as mine, my husbands and my daughter's birthdays. So, if you're so inclined, drop me a note as to what you'd like to see or 'hear' in an upcoming installment and as long as it's not off the wall crazy (though Castle is drugged right now so I could work with that) I will do my best to work it in just for you.

Thanks to everyone for reading.


	38. Chapter 38

Chapter Thirty-Eight

When Castle came awake, he could see the angle of the sun through his blinds. It was at least mid-day and if the ache in his side was anything to go by, probably getting close to time for another dose of medication. Shrugging off the thought of asking for help, he cautiously sat up and climbed out of bed.

After a quick trip to the bathroom that was an exercise in breathing control in order to make the short journey there and back, he happily fell back into bed. Well, he didn't happily fall anywhere anymore; he carefully scooted and cautiously arranged himself.

Despite the discomfort, he was glad to actually feel as if he had control of his own brain again. He didn't know how long he had been in the drug induced state he found himself in nearly constantly lately, but he knew he was sick of it. He had finally reached the point where he would rather deal with the pain over losing his mental faculties for one more minute.

Castle's life had become a study in surrealism, a veritable cacophony of contradictions and confusion that left his head spinning, sometimes more than the drugs coursing through his system. After he was released from the hospital, it was the last time he really fully grasped what day or time it was. His time was spent sleeping through a drug induced haze, struggling to move even enough to get out of bed.

According to Dr. Hook, he was supposed to take it easy and try to lie still as much as possible to prevent the need for surgery to repair what was currently minor damage to one of the muscle groups in his stomach, but could be made more severe by continued irritation. That was easier said than done.

Unfortunately, between Alexis, Kate, and his mother, they seemed to be forcing water down him like he was a fish and he had to make frequent trips to the bathroom. Sitting up was nearly impossible alone, the pain and a feeling like he was tearing his gut every time he tried to use the muscles needed to simply sit up.

He was surprised Kate seemed to be there, close enough to lend a hand, whenever he woke up or came to or phased into cognizant thought. He was fairly certain he was awake a lot more than it seemed, but his ability to form cohesive and coherent memories seemed inhibited by his medication.

He did remember several times, trying to have a conversation with Kate that she would briskly cut off and subsequently leave the room. She told him she didn't want to do this now, and as much as he understood considering his own mental state, he still tried to talk to her, apologize, and work through whatever was going on. It was tabled every time and she would throw off waves of frustration if he pressed her. She had a trump card, however, because he was basically chained to his bed and she was capable of leaving the room.

So, his life became about very little. He slept, laughed, ate, laughed, screamed, cried, laughed, drank. Everything was funny, except of course when it wasn't. Whining became linked to his movement, if not burning tears in his eyes that he refused to let fall unless he was alone. That didn't work out very well, considering someone was always popping into his room to check on him.

He began to wonder if any of them had a life.

Alexis would pop her head in to chat with him about whatever ridiculous notion had occurred to him in her absence. His mother breezed through and simply shook her head at his antics. Ryan and Esposito stopped by to see him and they laughed together so much that he needed to take his medicine right one time, despite having been trying to ease off it a little.

He didn't remember them leaving and thought he had either slipped deep into one of his 'drug induced word vomit sessions' as his mother and daughter had taken to calling them, or simply passed out. He hoped for the latter, because whenever he heard about the random thoughts he spouted when not fully aware of himself, he cringed.

Beckett was an interesting visitor, though. She maintained what felt like an emotional almost professional distance for the most part. Sometimes she'd laugh with him. He didn't know how it had started, but during what felt like a very lucid moment for him, he informed her that he felt like a lump lying around in bed and doing nothing. He asked her to type while he dictated some writing to her.

He felt really good about that time and was sure that once he regained his strength, those would be some of the best chapters he had ever written.

Eventually, his pain level evened out and he started backing off the medication. It didn't feel so much like a fresh wound every time he tried to sit up. His cognizance started to return as he weaned himself down from the pills. It was nice to realize that it had only been two days of being completely out of his mind. A lower dose of medication on the third day had him almost feeling human.

His three favorite ladies had taken to joining him in his room for meals so he could still share the family dynamic, though he was on bed rest. Today, however, Kate came in alone with a tray of food and his mid-day medication. He was feeling well enough to shift and raise himself up against pillows piled behind him, even after the strain of his solo trip to the bathroom.

"You look better." she commented.

He grinned at her, "I feel almost human."

Beckett started in on the list of questions she always peppered him with on waking. He had told her more than once that he didn't have a head injury and that he still remembered his own name. This time when she started, he refused to answer and simply glared at her.

"Ok, if you're going to be uncooperative." she intoned lightly as she grabbed the tray with their food on it and started to walk away.

"My name is Richard Castle." he answered her earlier question and watched her turn back towards him. "I think it's Wednesday, but don't be mad if it's not, because I've been pretty out of it. I live in New York City. The year is 2011."

"Anything else?" she asked.

He racked his brain trying to remember if there were questions he'd missed, but couldn't think of anything. Instead, he gave a little shrug. "My brain is fine." he replied, frustration with the entire situation bubbling out of him in the short sentence. He was sick of lying around. He was tired of being exhausted. He was so freaking done with the pain in his stomach every time he moved too quickly, and he was damn fed up with the coddling. Mostly, he was frustrated that it had been days now and he still hadn't gotten her to have a real conversation with him.

She was there, and that had to mean something, but he couldn't find out what because she was being so frustratingly evasive.

Kate brought the tray back and set it over his lap so he could reach his lunch. She grabbed a small stack of papers off the nightstand and slapped them onto the tray next to his plate. "Why don't you read what you've dictated in the past two days and then you can tell me how 'fine' your brain is?"

With that, she turned and moved to the door. She glanced back at him a moment and added, "It's verbatim." Then she left the room, her lunch forgotten on the tray beside his.

He didn't understand her, but for the first time, his mind was clear enough to really try to. Something was off, he knew that much, something besides him being injured. Figuring she had at least left him a clue in the small stack of papers, he picked them up. He was anxious to reread words he didn't really remember beyond the vague understanding that it was really good.

As he started reading through the pages his confusion grew. This was probably the furthest thing from good writing. The sentences were choppy, the syntax obviously screwed, the word order was appalling, but more than that, it just didn't make any sense. He jumped topics like he had severe ADHD and beyond that those topics were a jumbled mess of nonsense.

Somehow, what he had thought was so good ended up being a rambling mess. Somewhere along the way his novel had turned into a train wreck, but like any other wreck, he couldn't bring himself to look away.

It started with an in depth examination of the differences between dwarves, lawn gnomes, and elves. The correlations extended for two pages and expressed the view that they were all somehow related, possibly cousins. The hypothesis ended with the realization that they were likely evolved cousins to the Ewoks.

Another three pages was spent detailing the habits of the killer, though as he thought about it, nothing in the case he was writing into his latest book even remotely resembled this. A killer family, cruising city to city with a traveling circus and committing a series of brutal axe murders. The wounds to the victims would vary in size, because like the three bears from Goldilocks, there was one that was just right for each member of the family. The dad would use a maul that hacked right through any kind of bone that got in the way. The mom would use a standard axe due to her smaller size. The kid would have a hatchet and participate willingly because it was all she knew.

He continued reading the odd mix of fantasy, science fiction, movie references, and poorly crafted crime drama. Sometimes, the words would deviate to their actual life and she had typed up some very humorous observations he made about their friends and his family. Whenever Beckett or Kate came into the writing, it lasted no more than two sentences before a page break and the next session's ramblings began.

Thinking back, those had been the times he'd tried to shift to a serious conversation with her and away from 'writing', though he couldn't call it that now that he was actually reading it with a fairly clear brain. He focused on his pain level for a moment and allowed his frustration over his mind to win this one, he could take the pain.

His pill sat untouched as he finished his sandwich and a few minutes later he had gotten through the reading Kate had left for him. He couldn't believe she had actually sat there and typed out this rambling dialogue. She could have pretended to be typing for all the good this pile of crap was going to do him. "Kate!" he called through the closed door of his room, hoping she was nearby in the living room.

A moment later she came in through the door to his study. She had probably been reading, he did note she had done a lot of that in a chair in the corner of his room. Sometimes he would wake up to find her there, quietly, intently reading some book or slumped with whatever she had been reading in her lap as she slept in what had to be an uncomfortable position.

"What is this?" he asked, waving the pages a moment before setting them back down.

Her eyes scanned his tray, ignoring his question for a moment and he was going to be incredibly pissed if she lectured him about not finishing his lunch instead of tell him the meaning of giving him what he'd written in the past two days. There had to be some reason behind it, but he worried his mind and body were too tired to grasp it. "You didn't take your medication."

"Could you just stop with the damn nursemaid bit for five freaking minutes and have a serious conversation with me?" he asked in frustration. It seemed he couldn't go ten minutes without someone telling him what to do and he was getting more than tired of it.

She looked at him a moment, her mouth a tight line and her eyes unreadable, but tired. Castle found himself really looking at her for the first time since they had parted in her car before all this happened. That couldn't be true, because he had spent a lot of time the past two days watching her, but he hadn't really seen this strain and exhaustion. She looked pale, almost sick, but that could have simply been the contrast between her skin and the dark smudges under her eyes that clearly communicated her lack of sleep.

Even her body language screamed that she was tired, exhausted really, and he realized that he didn't want to have this conversation with her when she was obviously on edge enough already from lack of sleep. That realization had everything falling into place. She had avoided the conversations with him because she wanted him not to be drugged up. She wanted him to have clarity and understand what he was saying, what she was saying. That's why she had typed his rambling thoughts. That's why she had given them to him. She wanted him to understand that he had been pretty well out of it.

"I'll make you a deal." he offered. "I'll take half of this pill and my afternoon nap, but we're talking before I take any more medication. No more putting it off, Kate. I'm serious."

He watched her consider this for a long moment. If he were as perceptive as he sometimes gave himself credit for, he'd label that look in her eyes as fear. However, he felt a wave of victory wash through him as she gave a small tight nod. He broke the pill in half against the edge of his plate and swallowed it, downing the rest of his water to avoid any further arguments or reprimands.

Beckett grabbed the tray and moved towards the door. "Leave it on the dresser." he told her, getting an odd look for the comment. "If I have to be in full control of my mental state before you talk to me, then I think it's only fair that you are, too."

"I'm fine, Castle." she informed him, but he watched her set the tray down and turn to face him fully.

"You need to get some sleep."

She was already shaking her head before he even finished, "I said I'm fine. Leave it alone."

Castle rearranged the pillows, trying for a casual attitude and he carefully situated himself back to lying down. "Not going to happen," she turned away and grabbed the knob as if about to leave. He raised his voice to ensure she heard it and the seriousness of his intent, "If you walk out that door right now, I'm going to follow you. I don't care how far you want to run off, I'm going to follow you, pain be damned. You need to take care of yourself, Kate. You need to stop hovering over me and get some damn sleep."

She rolled her eyes at him, the classic gesture this time clearly a cover as something burned in her eyes that she was fighting to keep hidden from him, "You need to stay in bed." she informed him.

Castle's response was to pull back the covers on the empty side of his bed, "You stay, I'll stay. You go, I'm going, too."

The flash of anger in her eyes surprised him, but he watched her turn back and face the door. Hand on the knob, Kate leaned forward and rested her head against the wood surface. "I'll go lay on the couch." she informed him, a hint of defeat in her tone.

"No." he told her calmly defiant, glancing at the clock beside his bed, "You do that and Alexis coming home in half an hour will wake you up." He patted the bed next to him as she turned back to look at him. "Please?" he tried a different tactic, sincerity. He watched her expression soften just a bit. "I've missed you." he added on a softer tone.

He heard the shaky release of a breath and then watched her straighten her shoulders. The way she moved towards him was determined, her expression a mask of frustration and annoyance as if she were proceeding against her will.

She climbed into the bed, keeping to the farthest edge and turned on her side to face away from him with a disgruntled huff.

He reached across the expanse of empty bed to run his hand along her arm. It was an awkward angle from where he was lying on his back. He would have much rather rolled over to wrap his arms around her, despite her obvious attempt at distancing herself, but his injuries wouldn't permit it. She didn't shrug off his touch, but she didn't relax. She stayed rigid on the edge of the bed, there was no way she'd relax enough like that to get any sleep at all.

The silence stretched out and his hand stilled as he waited for her to relax. He got tired of the waiting; he'd never been good at patience. "Why haven't you been sleeping?"

If the way she shoved his hand away from her was any indication, she wasn't interested in talking.

He couldn't watch her lying there tense anymore, so with his hand now lying behind her, itching to move back up and touch her, he turned his head away and stared at the numbers on his bed side clock. The digital display clicked through three excruciatingly long minutes before he gave up again and turned back to her.

"Come on, Beckett. You're supposed to at least try. There's no way you're going to sleep if you're tense." he teased, hoping to lighten the mood enough to get her to relax, but fairly certain it was in vain.

He had finally resigned himself to sleep and let his eyes drift closed when he heard her soft words fill the air. The silence of his room the only reason her quiet confession made its way to him. "I close my eyes and you're lying there, bleeding out and I can't do anything to stop it." he wanted to stop here there, remind her that he's ok, but her tone is mesmerizing with its raw pain. It sets an ache in his stomach that has nothing to do with his injury. The lump forming in his throat at the haunting sound of her prevents his interruption and after a long slow breath, she continues, "I can't watch it anymore. I can't feel the warm blood on my hands or see that look in your eyes or hear your words again. What would I tell Alexis if I let something happen to you? How would I ease her pain? Could I even do that or would I just be this daily reminder of the fact that she didn't have a dad anymore because of me?"

"Shh." he tried to sooth her, the non-word seeming to be the only sound he was capable of making just then and so he repeated it again as he reached for her arm, this time gently tugging.

Kate rolled to face him, but dropped her eyes, probably attempting to hide the moisture he had seem shining in them, but her voice had already given her away. He pulled gently again and she scooted closer, settling her head on the pillow beside his. She wrapped her arms around his, fingers of one hand twining together with those on his hand and he gave a gentle squeeze

"Close your eyes." he told her softly, so close he could feel her sigh against his skin as she finally brought her gaze up to meet his. "I'll be here when you wake up." Her eyes seemed to search his for the meaning behind his words and he had the sudden realization that she might be asking him if he just meant this time. "Always." he informed her softly, ignoring the pain in his side as he brought his free hand around to gently caress her cheek before letting his fingers brush softly over her eyes. He watched Kate's eyelids flutter a moment and he repeated the gesture one last time before she finally went along and kept her eyes closed.

Castle watched her for a long moment. It seemed to take ages for the crease in her forehead to smooth, the tension to ease from her expression. Sleep was hers, but for the first time in what felt like forever, he was not tired. Instead he laid beside her, feeling her embracing his arm, her warmth, the gentle puffs of her breath against him and watched, almost mesmerized as she relaxed.

x.x.x

A/N: Since **Castletasmic** didn't want to give me anything to put in here, I stole some verbage instead. On a side note, verbage is my most commonly used non-word. I also like percipitatious, because rainy sometimes doesn't cover it.

So… do I hate this chapter? No. Do I like it? Not really. I'll give it a few more days and maybe it will grow on me, but until then I figured you would all want me to stop hoarding it and hoping it would shape up into something I actually wanted to give you.

Review that made my day: **Ssn04**, for sending me out to the ABC Castle board to see what you were talking about concerning finding out about this story there. I can't believe this story was at the top of anybody's list to recommend for summer reading. That made my day, times about a million.

Thanks to everyone for reading.


	39. Chapter 39

Chapter Thirty-Nine

Kate had spent the past two days feeling completely off kilter. She'd taken time off work to stay with Castle. She knew he had Alexis and Martha, but after hearing the kind of care he would need when he got home, she'd offered. To her surprise, both women had happily agreed that they could use the extra muscle.

Practically living in Castle's house with Martha and Alexis hadn't been as awkward as she would have imagined. With Castle spending most of his time sleeping, she'd had a lot of time to get to know them and even more time alone with her thoughts.

The time she'd spent with Castle had been both amusing and frustrating. It was an exercise in self-control. In the state he was in most of the time, he would have answered any question she had and probably not remembered a thing about it. She had to talk herself out of interrogating him several times and was proud of herself for the restraint.

As much as she'd wanted to have a conversation with him, she pushed the topic away, even when he brought it up. It wasn't that she was worried about what might come up, she was fairly certain they were on the same page for once. However, she wanted to look in his eyes and see what he was feeling, not the blank glassy-eyed look he'd been giving her and everything else for two days.

He was almost lucid as the time rolled around for another dose of his medication, but by then it was more important to relieve his pain then to have any kind of serious conversation with him. So, it was delayed. She put him off, sometimes having to resort to leaving the room in order to avoid him. He had become increasingly insistent, but his eyes were still wrong. Not his, more a clouded version of them that didn't speak to her in the same way.

That's why she was surprised when she opened her eyes to the orange hues of sunset streaking through the slats of Castle's blinds and saw him. His eyes. Clear, deep blue, serious and intent, looking at her far more focused than they'd been in days. It almost felt out of place. It almost felt like she was still asleep and dreaming instead of lying in his bed, hugging his arm to her chest with his hand still grasping hers.

There had to be something wrong, because after what had seemed like an eternity of not being able to look at him and really see him, he was there again. She had seen the victim, the injured man, the mask of humor and outlandish thoughts that the medication induced. She hadn't actually seen him and it felt like a homecoming to look at him and be able to recognize the man by the look in his eyes.

She wondered how long he had been awake and staring at her like that, but brushed off the urge to make a comment about how it was creepy. She didn't actually think that it was and telling him that when there were already so many things between them that were half-truths and poor interpretations, felt wrong. It felt like it would cheapen what they had already done a pretty damn good job of screwing up.

Instead she gave him a shy smile and felt the clench in her stomach when he returned it with a little flicker of real true emotion in his eyes. She hadn't seen it in almost three days and despite her obvious knowledge that she had missed that aspect of him, she was surprised to realize exactly how much she had.

The smile faded quickly, but it wasn't replaced with a frown, more of a contemplative expression that was almost passive in its intent. He held her gaze, steady and serious, and she knew this was it. It was time for them to swallow their pride, take a leap and make some very overdue apologies.

Feeling unusually insecure about what was coming; Kate made a conscious decision to wait him out. She knew it was the coward's way out, but she didn't know if she could start into a conversation with him just then. She hadn't slept well in days, resorting to catnaps in a chair in the corner of his room so that when the nightmares came, and they always did, she could see him when she finally woke.

She knew it was ridiculous. She knew he was fine and that she could probably talk herself down when she did wake up wondering if the dream was reality and she would really never see him again. She knew all of that, but it was just easier to look across the room and watch his chest rise and fall with the breaths he took.

Kate Beckett was capable of anything she put her mind to and she'd be capable of kicking the lasting effects of her blood soaked hand holding his while he begged her to take care of his daughter when he died. She knew she could, but it didn't make the transition any easier. It didn't make the nights any shorter and it sure as hell didn't help her get to sleep. Exhaustion had to force her into submission, usually while reading, but its hold only lasted as long as it took for her to fall deep enough into the dream that the emotions tore her back into consciousness.

It was just easier.

Like sleeping, she had thought waiting for him to speak would be the easier way out, but she felt the strangle hold that every minute had on her emotions. She was falling into those eyes that had pulled her out of so many dark days. Those eyes that had spoken so many things without the man possessing them even uttering a word. Those eyes that she had somehow ignored over the past couple of weeks as her own insecurities and self-doubts built up inside to a fever pitch. Deep blue, soothing, comforting. How she had ever thought the owner of eyes that looked on her the way these did could be so cold and cruel, was suddenly a mystery to her.

She felt like the biggest fool in the world to have ever doubted this man, and somewhere in her, the guilt of that point had begun to eat away at her very soul. It wasn't easy for her to admit when she was wrong. She knew that was a trait she likely shared with almost every other person on the planet, but in this instance, she was willing to admit how wrong she was, even if only to herself. He still didn't know she understood that point.

The silence had become oppressive as she lost herself in contemplation and retrospection. She could feel the lack of sound as if it were a physical and tangible third person in the room. More than any elephant, that silence took up all the space they were not occupying and bore down on her where she lay.

She couldn't take the pressure of it anymore and finally broke the silence. "I'm sorry." Her tone was a quiet as his as he spoke the same words at the moment she had chosen to. They shared a soft smile at the fact that, even with all that was going on, they still seemed to think alike in some aspects.

She wasn't naïve enough to think that they didn't have a long and treacherous road ahead of them with fences that couldn't be mended and would probably need to be reconstructed entirely. She did, however, recognize that with that simple phrase, they were headed towards mutual understanding. They were, for once, headed in the same direction.

The silence that followed their mutual apologies was more comfortable than that which came before. Castle still wore a serious expression, but his eyes were softer, he seemed to have some of the light back that had been missing, not just the past two days, but since that day he'd found the ring in her drawer.

Beneath that, she could tell there was something else, something he wanted to say or something he needed to hear. She squeezed his hand, still twined with her own, as she considered the possibility that his new expression had nothing to do with 'them' and was actually a result of something peripheral. "Are you in pain?" she asked, taking a shot on the other point that might cause that expression.

He nodded, but didn't speak. There was a subtle shift in the color of his eyes and a tightening around them that would have given him away if his nod had not.

She released his hand in an attempt to pull away, "I'll get you something." she informed him.

Rick didn't release her hand, if anything, his grip squeezed more firmly. "Not that kind of pain." he responded and she froze mid-motion in her attempt to roll away and get out of the bed as the words sank in.

Her eyes searched his for an answer. Searched for reassurance or some kind of indication that he was, or perhaps less frightening would be that he wasn't, saying what she had thought those words meant. She couldn't speak, lest she tip her hand and reveal herself as incapable of following his train of logic. Instead, she raised an eyebrow to him in silent question.

"It's just, I feel so. . ." he trailed off as he squeezed his eyes tightly closed. The crease in his forehead prominent and she didn't stop herself from bringing one of her hands up to brush across it. His forehead relaxed under her gentle touch and after a moment his eyes came open to meet hers again. "I feel like everything is wrong." he finally spoke again, and her hand dropped away as she wondered if her touch was included in 'everything'. "I look back on everything that's happened and I can't believe that it was even me that did this or said that. I don't recognize myself at all."

Beckett nodded; there was no other reaction she could have. She had been right there every step of the way and the more she thought about it, the more she had felt the same exact way. She watched his expression soften from the frustration he obviously had with himself to an understanding. She hoped that he was interpreting her silence as it was intended, as an agreement, but she knew that silence had been a bitter enemy to them both. She didn't really see any other option for herself just then.

It wasn't that she didn't want to say anything. It wasn't that she wanted to keep it from him or didn't want him to know she understood him completely because she had been experiencing the exact same things. It was more that she knew what she was capable of. She knew that her words had the power to heal or destroy and her track record for saying or doing the right thing in any given moment was far from the best.

She wanted nothing more than to be able to just open her mouth and all of her most important thoughts come out clearly and concisely. Kate would have given anything to be able to just open up and tell him everything that had been going through her mind over the past couple of weeks, even the changes in her over their entire time together, unfortunately, she couldn't.

On one hand, she had already opened herself to him, fully, emotionally, and with devastating repercussion. Shock waves from that were still reverberating in her despite the realization that she had the whole thing wrong. Despite knowing that her silence had been the catalyst that had driven him to do what he did. She knew that she was a strong woman and she should be able to just tell him again. This time with eyes wide open, but there was still that something inside her that held her back. there was still a certain level of fear that even now she was reading this the wrong way, that he was looking for fun, not interested in being tied down or things being too serious.

She almost laughed at herself, because from what little they had been able to actually say to each other, she should have felt pretty confident that her excuses for silence were nothing but a load of crap. It was unfortunate that logic didn't seem to have any control over her fear. She was tired of losing the people she cared about. She was tired of driving away those who meant the most to her. She was tired of her inability to effectively communicate and sick of worrying over the intentions of the one person that she should have complete confidence in.

This man had proved himself to her so many times that she was _stupid_ if she didn't see that she meant more to him than a good time. She was an _idiot_ if she could even entertain the idea that he would throw away what they had for a roll in the hay. She was probably _crazy_ if she thought he could look at her in a way no man had ever looked at her before and have her mind somehow interpret it as a passing fancy. All those realization flew by and still her lips remained closed. No signs of movement or speech and she was suddenly aware of the fact that she was a stupid crazy idiot.

"I love you." his breathy confession seemed to slip from his mouth into the space around them. It was quiet, but sincere, almost reverent.

Her tone was far different from his, louder, but still subdued. The realization that she wasn't taking a risk at all in telling him what she had held back even from herself, as she said the same words at the same time as him.

They shared a smile again, this one brighter and more hopeful than the first time they had spoken together a few minutes earlier. They weren't just on the same page; they were on the same chapter and verse.

She was both relieved and excited to find that even on this side of some very scary words, they were still them.

"Jinx." Castle said, his smile turned to a smirk as his eyes glittered at her, happy and mischievous.

Yes, they were still them, but with one change that she could see working to her advantage. Kate leaned forward and kissed the smirk off his face.

x.x.x

A/N: Wait a second? Did that really just happen? Is this story over? I'm so confused. It seems like it is, feels like it is, but that snuck up on me so fast it can't be right… what the heck? I'm going to leave this in 'not complete' for now, because there has to at least be one more chapter where we find out where that kiss goes and perhaps an epilogue or something. Stupid not mapping out stories! I'm so sad.

Let me know if that feels as much like the end to you guys as it does to me reading it back, because I wouldn't want to keep it moving if it's going to just be dragging things out unnecessarily when this feels so organic as it is.

Review that made my day: **FanficwriterGHC**, for enjoying the dictated pages from a drug addled brain. That was actually all stolen from when I went to the ER a while back and found out I had kidney stones. While I was there I was given something that made me very happy and not entirely intelligent. I had some 'Really GREAT ideas' while there and typed them into my notebook app on my Android phone. I found them there a few days later and scratched my head going, 'WTF?' I just figured Castle would probably have a similar experience if he lives and breathes writing the way I do.

Thanks to everyone for reading.


	40. Chapter 40

Epilogue: Part 1

It was two months of torture.

Two months of grueling physical therapy under a butch therapist with a heavy Russian accent. Her name was Lisa, but he thought she would be more fitting as a Helga. It seemed to suit the stout, solid woman more than the light and airy name she had actually been given. It also fit the way she worked him like a drill sergeant.

Two months of fighting with his lawyer and the city to get back to work at the 12th. Two months of Internal Affairs. Two months of paperwork to state he wasn't going to sue, more than he probably would have needed if he actually did file suit. Two months of negotiations and meetings in cramped conference rooms downtown.

Two months of weekly visits to be poked and prodded by his doctor after the initial recheck up and a minor surgery. The surgery that was not to repair the muscle, thankfully that had been healing nicely, no, this was purely cosmetic. As cool as he thought the wound was when he was under the influence of heavy narcotics, his daughter's reaction on seeing the ugly gash as she changed the bandage had been enough to convince him otherwise. He had gone in, as soon as he knew a surgery for his muscle wouldn't be needed, and gotten the wide wound trimmed and sew back together in a more presentable way by one the best cosmetic surgeons in the country in order to minimize the scarring. After the initial healing he was left with only a thin pink line and plenty of residual teasing from Ryan and Esposito about his vanity.

The teasing had been another form of torture. It didn't help that he had to fight to get back in the precinct, but hearing the guys joke about it had made him doubt his place on some level. Everything had fallen together yesterday, however, and he was all set to go back to his life. Not exactly as it had been before, as he'd be going back with a new title on his partnership/friendship, now including relationship, with Kate.

The agony of that particular change was probably the most consistently troubling of all the torture he had experienced in the past two months.

Mentally, they were more in sync than ever. She seemed to anticipate his needs before he knew he'd have them. They still finished each other's sentences; they still had entire conversations without a single word. She still sought his opinion on her cases and gave as good as she got in their banter.

Every day, however, he found her pulling away from him. Then every night, after the rest of his house had gone to bed (or out on the town, in his mother's case), they found themselves together in his bed, regardless of whether she'd be staying or heading home. Usually they engaged in mundane conversation, but it was unguarded, even on the rare occasion that they strayed into territory that was far from mundane. Even with the newfound openness that they had wordlessly instituted after what was probably the biggest misunderstanding in recent human existence, he found that she was holding back. He wasn't any better as he didn't push on issues he really wanted to, but could extrapolate for hours on topics that were less than noteworthy.

Physically, well, physically he was in hell. Two months of being with Kate without actually being able to _be _with her had been a test of human endurance. It wasn't for lack of will or lack of effort. He had offered in more ways than he could have thought possible, but she shot him down every time. He needed to heal. He wasn't well enough. The stitches weren't out yet. He was still in physical therapy. After a while her excuses started to sound like a broken record.

If it weren't for how their nights had blossomed, he might have taken her step back during the day or from his physical advances as meaning much more. However, they had developed a pattern that surprised him in its natural ease. Spending so much time together after everything they'd been through should have been more uncomfortable or awkward, but they developed a natural routine that felt like they had been doing it forever.

She went back to work, and her own apartment, but that didn't change things as much as he would have expected. She swung by on lunch if things weren't too hectic, came for dinner if the same held true. She stayed most nights for a movie or board game with him and Alexis that his mom even occasionally joined them for. It was a strange sense of family that settled over him and yet he felt that something was missing.

He knew their relationship was going somewhere, but the more she pushed him away in that regard, the more he began to worry that it might be something of an issue for them. He was left to wonder why. Despite their newfound straight talk and unguarded conversations in the night, he couldn't bring himself to ask her for the actual problem. He was certain his cowardice on that front was more closely related to the fact that he didn't want to hear an answer that had the potential to tear him to shreds.

Instead, he found himself pondering it as he lay alone during the day while she was at work. Perhaps it had to do with the fact that giving in to their baser instincts had been the start of the downward spiral. Maybe she just wasn't interested in that any more. Perhaps she really did just want him to heal or maybe she was doing her best to help him as a friend, but he'd done too much damage for her to reconsider him as more.

She seemed intent on distancing herself. It was a strange experience to live in and he found the contrast increasingly disconcerting. He didn't understand how she could be so open with him and so reserved at the same time.

He had felt confident after their initial confessions that things would only improve from there, but they hadn't really discussed what any of it meant. They hadn't defined 'them' or what those changes might be, what any of this all meant or how things might change once he was back to work. And there had been no repeat of their declarations.

He was starting to feel a little nervous because she'd brush him off whenever he brought up the subject of how things would be different once they headed back to the precinct. He was concerned that she thought he would be unprofessional. He stopped thinking about work, their problems, and everything that had weighed against him when she had agreed to finally going out to dinner with him.

It wasn't like they hadn't eaten together countless times, probably hundreds if he really thought about it, but he found himself nervous as the night started. On his last night before heading back to the precinct, they were having their first solo night out on the town and he'd been a wreck for the first hour into their 'date'. He was even hesitant to call it that, because of how casually they had agreed to the evening.

Picking her up at her place was a check in the 'date' column, so was the emerald green dress and her apparent lack of a firearm. Still, her recent withdrawal from him and the determined look in her eyes that said she was finally going to let go of what she had avoided talking about was a deterrent of him fully embracing this as such.

Oh, he hid it well enough, but he could feel his mind racing with the implications of what this could mean or what decisions could be made based on how the night turned out. She cracked a joke when his overactive hands knocked against his water glass and barely managed to right the teetering goblet before it toppled completely. He couldn't even remember what she'd said, but it was how the words came out that seemed to snap his focus back.

This was them.

It didn't matter if they were Castle and Beckett or Kate and Rick, because that easy give and take, the comfortable flow of conversation, the teasing and ease they had shared was still there.

His comfort with the evening lasted until he found himself standing outside her door with her. He had managed to vanquish those nerves during dinner but they were back with a vengeance and left him feeling like a teenager on his first date.

As every advance he'd made in two months was rejected, he settled on trying to stay casual instead of just leaning into her space and tasting her again. "So, I'm coming back tomorrow, have your tastes in coffee changed?"

Her expression shifted again, something flitted across her features, too quickly for him to really absorb and analyze before she turned and unlocked her door. "I don't think that's a good idea."

He followed behind her, not sure what that forced even tone meant, "Did you give up coffee when I wasn't looking?" he teased.

Her glare was enough to tell him that he was off the mark.

He was left in her doorway, confused, as she turned away and threw her jacket in a chair before dropping onto her couch with a heavy sigh. He almost laughed at the way she casually propped her feet on the table and the little slouch in her shoulders. It was an extremely casual pose that didn't seem to go at all with the almost formal sapphire green dress she had worn to dinner. He wondered when she had slipped out of her heels, but almost tripping over them on the way to join her confirmed they were casually kicked off as she walked.

He had noticed the subtle shifting in her emotions over their days and nights. Sometimes everything seemed to be great, and others she would get pensive or withdrawn. He didn't know how he was supposed to act around her anymore and it was more than a little frustrating.

He approached her position on the couch, but she stood before he reached her and seemed to avoid him as she passed along the other side of her coffee table from him. She didn't start pacing, exactly, but she seemed unable to keep still as something built beneath the surface.

He was certain he wouldn't like whatever she was about to say, but he simply waited her out. He had stopped dead in his tracks when she moved and he probably had a less than attractive look on his face as confusion and worry warred within him.

"I don't think I can do this." She finally spoke, her feet stopping their incessant motion as her eyes raised to meet his briefly.

He didn't have a response to that. He had been biding his time, waiting for her to be ready so they could have a conversation about the future and here was their chance but she was ending it before they even got anywhere. He didn't understand how she could tell him the things she had said and then just walk away. "Kate," he started, feeling the constriction in his chest play out through the breathy exhalation of her name.

"Please, don't." she implored and since he hadn't a clue as to what he would say, her cutting him off wasn't unwelcome. "I know what you want and I know what I want, but wanting something and living with the consequences of it are two very different things."

"What are you saying?" He finally found his voice, though it didn't sound much like his own. Still, along with it, he found the will to straighten his shoulders and take a small step in her direction. He didn't know if he was bracing himself or preparing for a fight.

"I didn't think we'd ever have this talk, you know?" she asked with a small chuckle, though there was no humor in it. "There was so much in the way, so many obstacles; I guess I just figured that I could wait it out, let everyone else do it for me. That probably makes me a coward, huh?" she looked to him with a self-deprecating smile to match her tone.

He didn't understand where any of this was coming from. His mind was spinning as his heart raced and he tried to grasp for a rebuttal. He realized he couldn't refute the reasons behind her words when he didn't understand them. "Why, Kate?"

He almost flinched at the way her eyes shown with compassion and understanding as she raised her gaze back to meet his again. He didn't understand how she could look at him like that, like she cared as much as he did, but still force those words out of her mouth. "It's for the best." she responded, her voice a little thicker than normal as if her throat was having trouble letting words form on strained vocal cords.

"Damn it, Kate, you can't just make that decision. You don't call all the shots on this." He watched the anger flash through her eyes, so he pushed on before she thought he was telling her she wasn't allowed to make her own decisions. He wanted to explain that they should make decisions together if they were decisions about them. "I just," he couldn't think of how to phrase it. "Don't you think this is something we should at least talk about, you know, together?"

Kate was shaking her head at him before he even had a chance to finish, but she didn't interrupt. Once his question floated between them for a moment she took a breath as if steadying herself and gathering her resolve. "It's not up for debate." she informed him, her tone the same no nonsense, flat and hard tone he'd heard her use on suspects countless times.

Her tone didn't stop him, though somewhere inside he knew that it should. Instead, his frustration with this sudden ambush bubbled to the surface. He was angry with her accepting his invitation to dinner and then laughing over their food, just to shoot him down completely afterwards. He was pissed that she thought it was somehow going to let him down easier when it just made the whole thing an even bigger slap to the face. He let his anger take him the last few paces to close the gap between them.

She didn't shy away as he reached out, the gentle touch as he cradled her face between his palms in direct contrast to the anger boiling through him. He forced her to look into his eyes and noted her understanding of the anger in his features. "I love you, Kate." he tells her, more than a little gruff and harsher then he had intended.

Her eyes soften and a sad smile lifts her lips, "That just proves my point." She informs him, the sad smile seeping somehow into her tone.

"No." he informs her briskly. "You love me, too and I'm not letting you push me away."

He felt her hands against his chest a moment before her arms extend to carefully pull herself away from his touch. She glared at him, but there was an undercurrent of something behind the anger, "Do you think this is easy for me?"

"I don't know, Beckett," he watches her flinch slightly at the bitter way he addresses her by the name he hadn't called her very often over the past couple of months. "You're the one pushing me away, if it's so hard you wouldn't be doing it."

"You can hate me all you want, Rick," she intentionally used the name she still rarely pulled out when they were alone. "But it's not going to change the fact that I can't take the risk."

"What risk?" he shocked himself with the level of disbelief in his voice, "Do you honestly think that there's a chance in Hell that I'm going to let anything happen to us?" He made an attempt to close the distance between them again, but she stepped back, shaking her head at him.

"Do _you_ honestly think that you have any control over it?" she countered, sounding more than a little bitter.

"I think that if you give it a chance," he started, but the impact of her finger with his chest stopped him short.

"Give it a chance?" she asked, angrily punctuating the words with another jab of her finger. "What do you think we've been doing for the past three years?"

He tried to capture her hand, not just to stop the poking, but also so he could pull her close to him again. She withdrew her finger on her own and took another step away as if just realizing that the effort had put her in close proximity to him again.

"Dancing around each other and being selectively blind." He informed her simply, trying to keep his cool in an effort to sooth her or at least earn some kind of reprieve from the emotional onslaught he was suffering under. "It's not the same as before."

"You've got that right." She shot back quickly, her frustration with him clearly boiling over to mask the kinder expression her eyes had been giving him throughout this argument. He watched a moment later as the fight drained out of her. "I can't do it again." She informed him as he shoulders slumped and she ducked her head.

"Whatever it is," he told her as he used the side of a finger to gently lift her chin until she was looking him in the eyes. "Whatever you're fighting or pushing, whatever you're scared of, we can get through it."

Everything had stilled in those moments, his voice low and steady, a soft blanket wrapping them in the soothing tones. The sudden jerk of her head to free her of his touch as she took a small step back shattered the calm. Crossing her arms, she set a glare on him. "You don't get it, do you?"

"Obviously not." He informed her, heavy sarcasm lacing his words.

He watched as the tension seemed to leave her body at his words, though he could never had explained why. Her hands unwound from in front of herself to dangle loosely beside her and for the first time he noted the slight tremor in her fingers. She whispered something into the space between them, but a combination of his racing mind and pounding heart muffled his recognition of her statement. "What?" he asked softly, not wanting to interrupt the sense of calm she had obviously found.

The anger in her eyes as her head lifted to face him again was startling at first. It wasn't until she spoke that it all fell into place, "I almost shot you." Her tone was low and tight with emotion restrained just beneath the surface. He suddenly realized that the anger she's been battling was not directed at him but at herself and that while he was thinking she was talking about their relationship, she had been talking about work instead. He gave a gentle tilt of his head in question, not risking speech in order to ask for elaboration when he knew his voice would be the happiness of his new realization; he was certain a huge smile and relieved excitement in his voice would not go over well just then.

"When you went for his knife, Castle, I saw the opening, too. I had the trigger pulled almost all the way back when you took his arm down."

His heart began to pound wildly as he restrained himself from reaching out to her. It was one of the hardest things he'd ever had to do to give her space in that moment with her voice thick with emotion.

"If I hadn't been able to stop myself I would have," she cleared her throat, but when she spoke again it didn't seem to have helped the huskiness, "I would have shot you. In the throat." she elaborated and the weight of that statement settled between them shedding light on the dark mood that had been hiding behind her eyes since he'd regained coherent thought.

He didn't stop himself this time as he reached out and pulled her against his chest. She didn't pull away, but simply stood in the circle of his arms radiating her tension in her ramrod straight spine as he felt the coiled muscles of her back beneath his hands. He couldn't even imagine what that moment must have felt like and then to have stood over him bleeding out on the floor had probably hammered home the implications. "I'm so sorry, Kate. I had no idea. I didn't think about it."

"You never think. That's the problem." She responded hotly, but she didn't push him away. Her anger was back, but he could work with that. Castle let the tense silence surround them and blanket them in their own thoughts for a long moment.

"What can I do?" he implored quietly.

She sighed in response. The draw of that breath pressed her chest against his before her heavy exhalation warmed against the fabric covering his collar bone. "Go home. Go back to your books, back to being a dad and a writer. Stay safe. Give it some more time and think, really _think_ about everything that could go wrong every day that you're not safe at home."

.

He was shaking his head as she talked, sure she could feel it even though she couldn't see him at the moment. "I can't walk away and you know it."

"You can and you will." she informed him with the strength of her resolve clear in her voice as she pushed away from him. "You don't have a choice in this, Castle."

He didn't seem able to stop shaking his head at her. "This is my life we're talking about. You can't just make demands and tell me it's over after I spent two months fighting to come back."

She shrugged, her body language a forced casual that he easily saw through, "That's right. It's your life and I'm not going to let you throw it away."

"You're asking me to quit, Kate. I can't do that." he wanted to reach out to her, but she was putting distance between them again, using that stubbornness he found so intriguing against him and suddenly it wasn't nearly as attractive a trait.

He didn't like the idea of leaving their work behind. He knew it was dangerous, but most days it was safer than crossing the street at rush hour or riding the subway at night. He also knew that there were far too many times when he had been the only backup that Kate had and it had meant she lived. He didn't think he'd be able to be her guy who sat on the sidelines and worried all day that something was going to happen to her because he wasn't there.

He was so lost in thought that he almost missed her rebuttal. "You're not even fit to come back yet, anyway, so I don't know why you're pushing. Give it some more time and we can talk about it again."

"Are you really going to try and pull the medical card on me right now?" he asked in stunned disbelief, because he knew if she were in his shoes she would have been back to work weeks ago.

She crossed her arms over her chest and glared at him. Defensive with a pretense of being on the offensive, he thought the contrast was interesting. "You're going to push yourself and do permanent damage. You're not ready for the physical demands."

He felt the smirk pulling at one side of his mouth as his eyes narrowed on her, watched as her intentionally stern expression lit with surprise as he took a slow and deliberate step in her direction. He became the hunter, stalking his prey and she stood, like a deer in headlights, unmoving on the spot in her living room. He saw the light of recognition in her eyes as she realized what he was up to, but he didn't stop moving.

He continued forward even when he'd reached her, pressing his body to hers and leaning towards her with a self-confident smile. He was sure his expression bordered on menacing as he revealed his intent to her with the devilish grin a moment before he brought his lips crashing down to meet hers.

If she was going to make accusations about his physical status, he was just going to have to show her exactly how well he had healed.

x.x.x

A/N: I took all of your conflicting opinions and my own confused state into account and decided to read this again from start to finish, twice. I found that this has been in a state of resolution since around chapter 25, and aside from the issue addressed here, others have been resolved between our two leads, even if only introspectively through their own understanding of the other.

I don't want this to be over any more than you guys do, but I refuse to drag it past its natural conclusion just to satisfy my desire to continue playing with them in this setting. If I thought it wouldn't detract from the story already on the page I'd keep writing this just because you've all enjoyed as much as me. That being said, the Epilogue continued getting longer and longer as I tried to work through the main issue that we hadn't resolved: Beckett almost shooting Castle and her likely hesitance with him returning to work. This will be a 2 part epilogue just because I thought you had all waited long enough for this and it's fixing to be 8000 words or more if I don't stop it here. Besides, I want to pick up from Kate's perspective to finish us off.

Thank you to everyone who read and reviewed along the way. It has been amazing. This story has broken all my records and taught me a lot.

I learned that I should invest in a "WRITER" vest if I ever get Castle and Beckett together and tear them apart again.

I learned that I like giving Alexis a little spunk, and that apparently I think Ashley is a lot like Castle in some ways.

I learned that pushing a character's tendencies and playing up the parts of them that we all scream at the TV for will upset you all the way it upsets us on the show.

I learned that it's ok not to have a single crime plot running through a fan fiction when it is a character study, but that I don't like not being able to reveal the bits and pieces of a case a little at a time so you can all guess at the killer.

I learned that it's ok to write a little angry sex against a window, though the whole time I was wondering if Castle had that security glass so that people wouldn't see Beckett's naked butt from the street or adjacent buildings (also, did they leave a body smudge on the glass or did Beckett clean that up before Castle's family got home? and how come the pizza never showed up?)

I learned you guys are all amazing. Thank you so much for letting me experiment with you on this venture into a whole other realm from what I'm used to writing. It's been a blast, though it nearly had me to the doctors for anti-depressants on more than one occasion.

I'll be back with the conclusion of the Epilogue as soon as I can get it written, sorry for the long note.

Thanks to everyone for reading.


	41. Chapter 41

Epilogue: Part 2

His lips on hers were like coming home from a long vacation. It was the way her own sheets and bed felt beneath her after even the most luxurious hotel. It was a sense of familiarity and comfort that she hadn't realized would affect her the way it was. His predatory aggression as he used selective pressure to entice her mouth open to his plundering swept her out of her reverie as effectively as a bucket of ice water.

This was exactly what she had kept telling herself to avoid for the past two months because they needed to discuss a few things before they jumped right into the deep end. She needed his attention focused on the importance of her concerns for his safety, not on how quickly he could get her out of her dress.

Kate felt the smooth glide of the straps sliding over her shoulders, and then the fabric caught a moment at her hips before pooling around her feet. She almost laughed at her own thought process. Apparently, the answer was pretty damn fast. She couldn't find a moment for the humor, however, as she felt his tongue slide against hers and his hand at her waist caressing the bare skin there. She didn't stand a chance against this kind of onslaught.

As she felt an involuntary moan escape her straight into the warm wet pressure of his mouth, her mind raced. She wanted to push him away and pull him closer; knowing there was more to say, but not realizing until just this moment how much she had missed this.

Putting him off, pushing him away for two months had been one of the hardest things she'd had to do, but the guilt of almost killing him had eaten through her enough to prove distracting. Still, she knew she couldn't let this get any further, because if that gleam in his eyes the moment before was anything to go by, he was going to take this opportunity to prove that he was healthy and virile; to prove he was ready to face a day at the precinct.

She didn't want to have to keep him away, especially when she was finally in a position to admit that it wasn't just coffee and theories that she kept him around for. The problem was that her guilt over him coming to harm because of their work together had nearly consumed her in the past couple of months. There were times that she'd lie in bed for hours with no sleep. It wasn't even the nightmares anymore; they had faded to a tolerable level. It was thoughts of all the ways that he put himself in danger, all the things he could do to get hurt, all the ways that she would be responsible for his death at some point and she wouldn't be able to bear that kind of guilt, not before and definitely not now.

She knew she was being unreasonable. She knew that if Lanie asked Esposito to quit, there'd be no way. She thought for a moment about how she might feel if Castle had asked her to leave her work because he was concerned for her safety. She almost got angry at just the thought, even though it was her own.

She knew that Castle wasn't the goof off that he sometimes came across as. She knew that his work with her team had been far more than research for a long time now. She was also aware that detective work was now a part of his soul as much as it was her own and to ask him to cut that part of himself out was just as much a betrayal as if he'd asked the same of her.

Feeling suddenly shameful, she wanted to tell him as much. Instead, she shivered and her head dropped back as his mouth moved down to her neck to trail teasing kisses and caresses across her skin. As his hands continued their gentle massage of her hips moving slowly upwards, he nipped lightly at the spot he'd marked what felt like a lifetime ago and her thoughts sprung free for a long moment of basking in pure sensation.

When coherent thought finally returned a moment later as he shifted to kiss across her shoulder, she moved her hands down from his hair, wondering briefly how they had gotten there in the first place. With palms flat against his chest she applied slight pressure, hoping he'd get the point and move back so she could look in his eyes.

When he continued, as if single-mindedly on a mission to destroy every one of her senses, she felt her combative side rise up again. If he was going to play hardball, he had picked the wrong person to try and pull a fast one on. Beckett brought her lower body into firm contact with his, eliciting a sound that was almost a whimper from him. As he was now sufficiently distracted, she was able to push a little more firmly against his shoulders and almost regretted the tactic as burning dark blue met her eyes a moment later.

She made sure their lower bodies stayed in contact as she shared his gaze for another moment before she realized that it was the perfect time to lay out the ground rules. "You will stay in the car when I tell you." she informed him of rule number one and punctuated her statement with a quick, but fierce, breath stealing kiss.

"You left me outside alone in a really bad neighborhood." he informed her with a teasing smile and she was suddenly concerned that he wasn't going to take her seriously.

"Castle." she admonished in a stern tone, her eyes boring into his own in what she hoped was a fierce glare even as she wanted to shiver from the sensation of his fingertips slowly moving up her ribs.

His hands stilled at her words and the expression he turned on her had her breath catching in her throat. "As long as you have the guys for back up." he responded softly, as if the request were of some vital importance. Paired with the sincerity and, if she wasn't mistake, fear staring back at her, the request was powerful.

She understood in those few short word that every time she went into something without her, he felt a little bit of what she did when he came with her. Him on the outside worried something might happen to her or him inside with her while she worried about him. It seemed they would be in disagreement and no matter how it shook out one would be left with that feeling of anxiety and dread. Figuring it was little to ask in this situation, she finally nodded her consent to his condition.

Kate leaned into seal the agreement with another kiss that became intense almost on contact as she slipped his suit jacket off his shoulders. Fingers moving before she even consciously gave them permission to, she started to work on the buttons of his shirt as she pulled her lips from his to kiss a trail across his jaw and down his neck.

Her lips, open mouthed and accented with hot ragged breaths, made their way across the exposed flesh as each button came undone under her fingers she continued, "You will work with me to learn basic," she shifted one side of his shirt open and let her tongue trace his nipple, pulling a groan from him before moving to the next button, "nonverbal communication."

His hands flexed against her shoulders where they had come to rest as she pulled his shirt free of the pants they were tucked in and finished off the last button. His response of an absentminded, "Uh huh." was enough of an agreement for her to hold him to later should he chose to conveniently forget this conversation. She accepted the confirmation and planted a lingering open mouthed kiss on the soft hair just below his navel and then trailed over to run gentle kisses along the long thin pink line of his recent scar.

Slowly, she let her fingers and mouth guide her back up his body. Her lips stopped a moment at his collar bone, relishing the subtle sounds of pleasure that spot seemed to bring out of him as her hand continued the upward motion. Sliding beneath his shirt and over his shoulders, she eased the shirt back, following its descent down his arms with a fluttering touch of her fingers.

Bringing her eyes back up to finally meet his, she was unprepared for the depth of emotion that greeted her. Pushing it aside for a moment, because she had more he needed to agree to and it was going to take him being in a vulnerable and less sentimental state of mind. She pressed her body against his, looping an arm around his neck and burying the fingers of her other hand in his hair, she pulled him closer as she pressed her lips to his. She took his quiet gasp into her already open mouth and chased her responding moan back into his with her tongue.

She almost lost her focus entirely as he met her invasion with his own resurgence of passion, snaking a hand up to bury his fingers in her hair and dropping the other to her hip. He used the second hand to pull her tightly against the hard length of his cock straining to escape the designer pants he had worn to dinner. He used the moment of her surprised gasp to move the exploration of each other back into her mouth, pushing his way in with a sudden intensity that was unlike anything that had come before.

This wasn't the aching tenderness of their first time or the heated, angry passion of the second. This kiss was littered with equal parts hope and desperation, as if he were still praying this wasn't a dream, but hedging his bets to make the most of it in the event he were to awaken at any moment. The onslaught of that type of passion had her knees threatening to give out beneath her as he rocked his hips slowly against her own.

It wasn't that she didn't know this was exactly where they had been headed, but the sensation of soft fabric poorly concealing such demanding hardness was a contradicting sensation that threatened to clear away her coherent thoughts. Instead of running from it, she embraced the sensation, shifting her hips to caress him and drawing a deep sound from him that never seemed to leave his chest cavity. The baritone rumble inspired her to repeat the action in the other direction and this time the move was greeted with something akin to a growl before his hand left her hair to settle on her other hip and hold her firmly in place against him.

For a moment, she plastered herself against him, feeling the heat in the press of their two bodies against each other before she stepped back, carefully avoided tangling her feet in the dress beneath her. His eyes, that had appeared hazed and unfocused, suddenly shot to hers with a silent question. Her answer was to grasp his hand as she moved away, stalling his look of disappointment in mid frown and replacing it with a sexy little smile that made her stomach clench.

She had to look away if she was to regain any of the control she had felt slip away a moment before, so she made a conscious effort to lead him into her room. It was with an odd sense of déjà vu that she turned to face him once they were both standing beside her bed. She couldn't fully quell the sudden nervous energy that seemed to zap her normally cognizant thoughts. The last time they had stood in nearly this same position for exactly this reason, had not ended well for them.

Pushing it aside with the knowledge that they had both completely misread that first time together, she looked into his eyes and saw the same feelings pouring back into her from him. "I've missed you." he told her, his voice low and serious as he seemed to force a tentative smile over his concern.

"You've seen me almost every day." she informed him lightly, hoping to shift the mood again, because she couldn't dwell on the past when she was trying to build a future.

Instead of the expected reaction, he dropped his gaze from hers and she could have sworn there was a hint of that vulnerability he tried so hard to hide from her. He was watching his fingers glide slowly over her stomach, but he didn't seem focused on the action, simply using it as an evasion to avoid her potentially destructive words.

She knew it wasn't the time for cracking jokes or trying to stay light. That could come later and at some point things would be as fun and free spirited as that first time had been. Tonight, however, was about opening up and laying the ground work. Something they should have done right that first time, but she couldn't bring herself to think negatively on that experience now that she understood his side of it.

She had ached for him in the knowledge that he had thought her tears were some kind of condemnation of them and what they had shared. She felt the burden of those tears weighing him down for all that time he had bottled the misconception away before the air had been cleared. She felt the burning tug in her gut for all the time they had lost to their own insecurities and their efforts to try and force things back to how they'd been before when there was no going backwards. And she had almost lost him that day with so much left unsaid because she was scared; because she was trying to fight something that she now knew was too strong, too important to back down from.

She felt his hands move up to cradle her face gently and it wasn't until she felt his thumbs move damply across her cheeks that she realized the thoughts alone had brought tears, not only to her eyes, but allowed them to fall. "I missed you, too." she finally told him, her words quiet and strained.

His eyes had been regarding her with tenderness and what looked like discomfort. It was as if her being upset were some kind of physical assault on him. Considering the last time he had seen her shed tears, she could understand his pain, but it didn't seem to be his discomfort he was feeling in that moment, but more a personal reaction to her own pain. "Please don't, Baby." he whispered into the space between them and while not normally a fan of pet names, she felt none of her traditional inclination to correct him. "Kate, did I. . ?"

She cut him off with a firm shake of her head before flinging herself into him, wrapping her arms around his neck and holding tightly while she buried her face in the crook of his neck. His own arms wrapped around her, instantly pulling her in tight as he whispered what she assumed were soothing words against her hair and peppered the top of her head in gentle kisses.

The press of his body, palms firm against the back of her hips, fingers splayed across the small of her back, his scent in her nose, her warm breath against his already heated skin, soft kisses that had no destination or pressure for taking them anywhere but to a place where her tears couldn't reach, it all felt like home. She stood with him a long moment, taking in the sound of their breathing, the feel of their hearts beating against each other where their chests were pressed together.

As she felt the ache in her chest lesson and be replaced with an entirely different ache somewhere far lower, she let her tongue dart out to taste his skin. He stilled beneath the touch of her mouth and she took advantage of his lack of movement to carefully explore the line of his shoulder, the plains of his chest.

He finally joined her exploration after what felt like a torturously long time as if realizing that she wasn't hurting anymore and had worked through whatever had brought it on in the first place. He swept his hands lower to slide beneath the waistband of her panties in a gentle caress, before slipping back out to run up her back. She could tell from his expression that he'd get her to tell him everything eventually. She understood the compulsion to know, because once you know there can be an attempt at reparations or at least preparations can be made to prevent a repeat performance.

It didn't take long for them to divest each other of the last scraps that separated them from one another. It felt like everything was as new and fascinating as their first time and she wondered how long until it became normal or common enough that everything didn't feel new. She hoped it was a long way off, because the thorough exploration his hands were performing was something she could get used to.

She felt as he turned and tried to lower her to the bed, but she fought the urge and instead spun them both and pushed him away suddenly, watching as he bounced back onto the bed, a huge grin spread across his face as he looked up at her. She couldn't hold back from dropping her knee to the bed beside his hip, throwing her other leg over his waist and settling against him.

His eyelids dropped half closed; eyes turning a deep smoky color as his watched her above him. He was drawing short strangled gasps through his slightly parted mouth as her body settled against his. She shifted her hips and felt his hard length against the warm wet slide of her body's reaction to him as she repeated the motion.

His hands at her hips were almost desperate in their plea for more contact, more of the tantalizing friction, more of her, practically begging for her to shift the angle of her movements and join them. But he was only 'almost' desperate and she needed him just a little more out of control before she sprang her last condition on him, before she knew he'd agree to anything just to end the torture.

With that thought in mind she shifted off of him, her movement fluid as she moved her body down his and dropped to her knees between his legs. He was sprawled across her bed where she had pushed him, knees bent over the edge and feet nearly reaching down to the floor. Her movement had apparently surprised him, but she didn't give him a chance to react to her slipping away. While he was still casting a confused look at her for breaking their contact, she leaned into him and used her tongue to tease the tip of him into her mouth.

His gasp was accented by a subtle raise in his hip that sank him further in her mouth, but it was a seemingly involuntary jerk that he somehow pulled back almost as soon as it starting. She followed his hips' retreat, taking more of him in as she languorously trailed her tongue along the underside, flicking it side to side as if the soft tissue running down the middle of all that hardness was her new favorite toy. She reveled in the variation in sensation against her tongue as it danced along his skin and drew out all sorts of sounds she wanted nothing more than to hear again.

A strangled moan, desperate panting, her name, expletives, Castle's apparent new found religion, all of it tumbled out of his mouth like music to her ears. Still, she waited, her efforts focused solely on him in anticipation of that moment when she felt he was most vulnerable and pliable.

His hands had found her hair, not moving her, simply resting there, occasionally stroking or moving it out of her face to watch her. When she felt his fingers clench in her hair, gently pulling her away from him, she almost stopped. His hands moved to either side of her head, trying to guide her up to him. She let him believe she was being compliant until she had released nearly all of him. With the head of his cock still between her lips she flicked her tongue against the spot just beneath where his head met his shaft and he released a desperate whimper.

Kate reserved her triumphant smile as she released him and climbed back up his body, slow and lithe, like a cat stalking its prey. She knew she had him just where she needed him, but tasting and exploring him had made her nearly as desperate as he was. She almost abandoned everything as she found herself astride him again and rocked her pelvis against his. He pulled her mouth to his for a hot and hungry kiss that shook her resolve.

She could feel the wet glide of her body against his cock, but she knew that it wasn't from the way she had lavished attention on him with her wet mouth, it was her own moisture against him. She felt hot and swollen, wet beyond being ready, and she wanted nothing more than to sink onto him. The thought snapped her out of her lusty haze as she began to slide against him with purpose. There was one thing she wanted more and that was his safety.

Her hips moved with purpose, sliding along his length and at the very top of her stroke, sliding back down, the angle of her movement close enough to what they both desired that he almost slid into her every time she moved back down to start the slow motion again. It was so close that a subtle shift in her hips would send him where they both desperately wanted him, but she continued to torture him for what felt like the longest couple of minutes of her life.

"Please, Kate." he begged and she knew he was ready.

"One more condition," she informed him and watched the shocked indignation sweep his features for a moment, but she continued to move against him and he couldn't hold her gaze as his eyes fell shut again, squeezing tightly closed and he gave her a single nod to proceed. "You'll attend and pass the academy before you set foot outside the precinct again." she informed him of her last stipulation for his return, but her tone was far from the stern and serious one she would have liked to say those words in. She was so far gone that she knew it came out raspy, deep and throaty, a request that she hoped sounded sexy and not as odd as it did in her own head.

"Yes." he gasped instantly and she started back up from the base of his cock, feeling the length of him tease her sensitive flesh all the way up as he whimpered again and she wanted nothing more than to join him in the sound. "Oh God, Kate. Anything. Anything."

She didn't know if he even realized what he was agreeing too in his plea to end her torturous teasing of him. As she reached the top of her stroke, however, she took pity on both of them. With a subtle shift of her hips she sank onto him fully in one quick motion.

Everything seemed to still around them in that moment as they both stopped as if unsure that this was entirely real. The rumble of a deep growl emanating from his chest joined the higher pitched gasp from her lips and the simultaneous expression of the moment seemed to set them moving together.

They were both strung so high they burned fast and bright and within only a few short minutes she felt pleasure roll through her, hot and intense. A moment later he swelled and then pulsed right along with her as she collapsed against his chest and they both drifted in the aftermath.

It was several minutes before either gained a sense of themselves, and she wasn't surprised when Castle guided her to lift her head and make her look in his eyes. "You," he told her, his tone both softly loving and sternly reprimanding, something she assumed he picked up from being a parent, "are evil." he finished with a grin that dazzled her.

She knew there'd be struggles. She knew the changes would take their tolls more on some days than others. She knew that she'd still worry and he'd still worry and they'd both probably drive each other crazy with it. She knew that some days she'd probably want to strangle him as much as she'd want to kiss him.

She also knew one thing that made the rest seem like distant insignificancies, "You love it." she responded.

He pulled her back to his chest, holding her close to his heart as his hands moved smoothly against her back and he responded, "You have no idea."

x.x.x

A/N: So, that's it. Sadly, it's the end. I hope you all enjoyed this story, or at least found it an interesting way to lose yourself for a few hours.

Thank you all for reading. I'd like to say a special thank you for each and every comment and message of support. On some days they were the only thing to get me through this story that has proven more difficult than I ever imagined.

At some point I'll go on to the next story, I'm dealing with a lack of motivation, I'm sure you've noticed the drop in frequency for updates. Perhaps hitting 500,000 words was my limit, or maybe I'm just in Summer mode and things will start looking up for a new story once the days start getting shorter again.

I have a crime plot brewing in my head, but it's not a traditionally Castle style crime. There's murder and mayhem, but it's not really a whodunit type, more suspense and action than mystery. I'm not sure if I'll be handing it over to Castle and Beckett to solve. Regardless, I'll be back at some point with more than the silliness that is my current story. I'll see you then.

Until next time.


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